confessions
This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today
~ ~ ~
Remus pressed his clammy palms firmly to his eyes, trying to recollect the evening's events that led to this moment. But his whiskey-addled brain produced nothing but little snippets. James Potter's grinning face, his 'grand' idea to play Truth or Dare, Peter Pettigrew's shaky hands dumping a vial of clear liquid into a bottle of booze, Sirius Black's slow, heavy-lidded smirk of satisfaction when Remus took a sip...
And of course, Remus remembered the other boys' persuading him,
"Come on, Moons!"
"It's good to loosen up a bit, yeah?"
But in the end, It had been Sirius who convinced him. It didn't take much, the other boy had leaned in close, staring at him with comically wide eyes and pressing their noses together.
"Please? For me, Moonbeam?" Remus had rolled his eyes and shoved Sirius off, relenting with a dry chuckle. Desperately trying to ignore the flutter in the pit of his stomach. They had all huddled in the bathroom to play, Merlin knows why. Probably James' idea...
"Remus?" Sirius' voice dragged him back to reality. He was quickly reminded of what prompted his spiral of thoughts. He felt nauseous, peeling his hands from his face, the veritaserum was still trying to tug words from his mouth.
"What is your deepest, darkest secret?" James had asked. Easy, they already knew he was a werewolf. What a stupid question. But then Pete had jumped in-
"That we don't already know, of course."
I'm trans.
I'm trans.
I'm trans.
"I'm--"
He slammed his eyes shut and quickly clamped a hand over his mouth, the next word lost to the sleeve of his jumper. He didn't dare move, he could feel his friends' eyes on him. He could suddenly feel a lot of things. He was too hot, his binder was too restricting. The curls at the nape of his neck were too itchy. His skin was too tight. He felt trapped. Suffocated. He could vaguely register the Marauders' concerned voices, the sound of a door being clicked shut, a hot tear trailing down his cheek. He reminded himself to breathe. No, that wasn't right. Someone else did. Sirius. Remus pried his eyes open to look at him.
"Moony." It wasn't a question. "Hey, Hey. Can I touch you?" Sirius reached out a tentative hand. Remus shook his head no, now he was breathing properly, he didn't want to risk anything else.
Remus darted his eyes around the room, when had the others left? Fuck, Remus thought bitterly. I've already scared them off.
"I kicked them out," Sirius said when he noticed him looking. "Thought-- well, I've had them too. Panic attacks." Is that what happened to him then? He didn't think so. What he felt wasn't necessarily panicked, just overwhelmed. And feeling overwhelmed was something Remus had accepted as a part of his daily life.
When Remus didn't respond right away, Sirius moved to stand.
"But, I can go fetch someone else, if you'd rather-"
"Stay." Remus croaked. Sirius settled back down, looking a little surprised.
"How do you feel?"
Remus felt the words spill out of his mouth before he could think.
"Shit. Better, though." Veritaserum still hadn't worn off, then. Sirius hummed in acknowledgment. The two sat in comfortable silence for a while before Sirius spoke again.
"Remus?"
"Hm?"
"What did you say, earlier?"
Remus hoped, stupidly, since the question was so vague, maybe he wouldn't be made to answer. But no, of course not. Remus didn't have the energy to lift his hand, let alone fight the potion. So, the words bubbled out of him easily.
"I'm trans."
There it was. Remus thought, distantly, that this was the first time he'd said it out loud, if you didn't count earlier that evening.
He waited. He silently wished Sirius would at least give Remus the courtesy of a proper reaction. But there was nothing. He just sat there, mouth just slightly agape, staring.
Remus felt a flare of frustration in his chest. That was good. Anger was good. It made it easy for Remus to ignore the fear coiled in his gut. When he stood, Sirius kept his eyes trained on him but remained silent.
"Right." Remus started. "Well, I'm knackered, and this isn't exactly the night I had in mind, so I think I'll pop off." He feigned a sweet smile and walked out of the bathroom, all but slamming the door behind him.