Chapter 6: drowning in the stars but never falling into the ocean

Monday, 12th of October, 1987

And I was catching my breath

Barefoot in the wildest winter

Catching my death

And I couldn’t be sure

I had a feeling so peculiar

That this pain would be for

Evermore

- evermore

He could hear the ocean, pouring its tears into him, whispering its secrets in his ears, forever slipping away from everyone’s hand. It was utterly impossible, he knew. They were miles and miles from any sign of the ocean, still, he could hear it all, feel it all.

Oliver looked into the midnight sky, his hands closed into fists while he tried to think about nothing at all. Stars sparkled above, almost in a warning way. One of them, the brightest one in a constellation Oliver didn’t know the name of, seemed to say: don’t don’t don’t don’t. We've been here before, we've been through this already. He didn’t understand.

Everything in him screamed the same thing. Everything asked him to stop stop stop, begged him to change while he could, and yet… yet Oliver had no idea what he needed from himself.

So he flew, or looked at the stars, or cried, or screamed or ran or slept or swam. So he did everything he could not think about anything, he did everything in his reach to froze time and himself, to cease to exist for a second or two or perhaps even for his eternity.

He felt like that, like an eternity. Like everything bad in him had no end. Like he couldn’t grasp a moment and make it last but the bad ones always came back, no matter how much he ran or flew.

It always came back. Always.

It haunted every second of every day, and it didn’t matter how many letters he addressed to the fire, words just didn’t speak to him anymore. It was wrong, everything about him and his life and his parents and all, all of it, it was wrong.

The world was tilted and it was like only he saw that.

When he closed his eyes, all he saw was a beaten-up body on the ground of an unfinished story. He wanted to vomit every time he thought about that, but not thinking about it seemed even worse.

Not thinking about it would make him like his parents. And he had recently realized he didn’t want to be like them, it didn’t quite matter anymore what that made him. Good or bad, a disgrace or someone worth remembering, he knew he could never overlook a situation like that one.

Why did it strike so close to home, he couldn’t tell.

Of course, a lot of things his parents had said bothered him, now that he came to think about it, however… nothing like that bloody story. Quite literally, actually.

Oliver smiled sadly at that thought.

He looked down at the endless darkness and closed his eyes. Perhaps he could change all that, if he tried enough he could pretend not to be bothered by that. But how can someone pretend to be whole when they’re holding their own shattered heart, so desperately trying not to lose any pieces.

And what if he didn’t want to be whole again? What if he was done pretending?

What was he even thinking?

Oliver had never felt that inability of comprehending himself and it was terrifying. He had never been that angry or that scared or even that sad. Because that is what he felt, sadness. Everywhere he looked he saw pain, tears, wrongness. Perhaps it was inside of him, all of it. Inside his head. It was a never-ending pain.

He felt so alone. He had never in his life felt like that. Of course, Oliver knew he wasn’t alone, he had Andrew and Sam but… it was different. He had always had people in his life that just understood him without him needing to say a word.

There are those people in your life that just get it. Suddenly, however, Oliver found himself utterly alone. His parents didn’t understand him anymore, or perhaps he didn’t understand his parents. Perhaps he only didn’t like them, but still loved them. Because no matter how hard we try we will always love our parents a bit, we can never fully hate them. Oliver didn’t hate them, he wanted to, though, at the end of the day, he only hated himself.

Then, there was Percy. The boy who had changed everything within days. They were so completely different some could think there weren’t similar in any way. Oliver was all energy and laughs while Percy was softness and stolen stares. Oliver was that summer afternoon just seconds before the sunset, everyone is laughing, watching the skies, running and screaming, yelling, simply happy, but Percy… Percy was the early mornings, the sky still stained with red all around, everyone asleep, it feels like that little show is made for you and only for you. It’s quiet, beautiful, perfect, and made for you.

Percy was made for him. Because, at the end of the day, they were the same. When the night laid ahead of them, after the sunset, the sunrise still far away, they both looked up at the stars and wished for the same things.

They both yearned for the same things, bled for the same reasons, cried for the same pain, they hurt because of the same question that burned its way inside of them. Who am I?, Am I deserving of all of this?

When they both looked at the stars from their beds, they begged Please, please, can’t someone just understand? Can I not be alone for once?

So Oliver had, for the first time, understood what it meant to have someone just like him in his life. Someone who could give one look his way and know all the ways he was feeling broken.

But, somehow, he had fucked up, and now… he was completely alone like he had never been before.

“Get down of there, you git!”, for a second, Oliver didn’t recognize the voice, perhaps because he couldn’t recognize even himself those days. However, it suddenly clicked, making him startled. “You know I won’t ever get in a broom so please make this easier for both of us, Wood”

Faster than he thought it was possible, he landed. Green eyes looked into his own, Oliver finally breathing after too long.

“I’m sorry”, Oliver said.

“You better be, you inconsequential arsehole! You didn’t think everyone would notice, huh? Well, guess what, Wood, we care about you and you’re not as sneaky as you think you are!”, yelled Percy, making Oliver start crying. He wasn’t sad nor angry, though. He was simply relieved.

So relieved he couldn’t even think clearly.

“What?”, was the only thing he could think of.

“You honestly didn’t think we wouldn’t notice you sneaking out, missing classes and breakfast, sleeping during a test? I’m not stupid, Oliver. Something’s up.”

It was like glass shattering against the floor, it felt like that. Like every wall Wood had built so the others wouldn’t see him crying, breaking apart simply shattered once Percy held him close.

“What happened”, Percy asked as Oliver felt the first tear roll down his face. As his breathing quicked and turned into desperate sobs. He kept looking, though, at Percy’s eyes, even when the tears had blurred out everything except the soothing tone of green.

Percy was shaking him, demanding to know what he could do, saying he was sorry he overreacted, but Oliver… Oliver could only look at him. Suddenly, Percy pushed him close, hugging Oliver so tightly he couldn’t really breathe.

“I’m such a terrible person”, he said, between sobs, as if only when Percy was there as a comparison he could understand that.

“You’re not!”, Percy said, breaking them apart as he stared at Oliver.

“But I am. And I’m sorry”, it sounded too much like the truth to be anything else. Still, Oliver didn’t care, not when Percy was there talking to him, looking at him, hugging him. Nothing else mattered.

“You are not a bad person! Why would you ever think that?”

“I can’t tell you”, he truly couldn’t, not if it meant losing Percy’s respect.

“Okay. It doesn’t matter, though. Whatever you think makes you a bad person, I know it only makes you you, and you could never be something bad”, for some reason, his explanation made sense in his head, but not in Oliver’s.

They kept looking at each other, staring, neither able to look away and Oliver wanted to apologize once more, even not knowing exactly what he did wrong.

"Look…", he began, not sure where he was going with it.

"It doesn't matter. Really. Let's just forget it all happened so I can yell at you for something else", Percy interrupted, making Oliver smile a bit.

"Okay", he said.

"Okay".

For a moment, they stared at each other. Oliver wanted to touch Percy's face, he wasn't exactly sure why, he just wanted to be as close as possible. To touch and touch and see the other boy smile or lean into his hand, still looking into his eyes the way only Weasley knew how to do. The green eyes said, "You're okay, we're okay, I see you, I'm here, I'm sorry". Oliver was glad they were back in talking terms but still… somehow that wasn't the look he wanted. That wasn't what he wanted Percy's eyes to say.

Of course, he didn't know what he wanted. He wanted Percy, there, with him, however, not exactly…well, it was all really confusing really.

_______________________

Percy Weasley couldn't quite believe it took Angie Silverblood threatening to hex the shit out of him if he didn't fix things up with Wood. He believe her exact words were: "I despise Wood with all my being, but you managed to make me despise your whining about him even more.", the hex part came up later, though he didn't remember exactly her words, he was simply too scared to pay attention to her exact words. Her intentions were clear by the way she was looking at him.

Angie was the type of person who didn't need to put her feelings in words, you could see them all on her face. It was bloody cool and really scary.

The night after Angie's threat, Percy heard Oliver get out of the room at the usual time, it was already dark outside, and if the sound the wind made against the window was any indication, it was also bloody cold.

Wood, though, got out wearing nothing besides his pajamas with a - wait a second. Was that Percy's jumper?

It was! His mother did that to him! It was a bit small to him now, he had grown a bit since last Christmas, but it fits well in Oliver.

However, that wasn't the point, it was Percy's jumper and he was positive he never lent it to Wood once. Not even once. Still, there he was, wearing it as if it was his. Outraging, really.

Percy snapped out of it once the door slammed shut. Oliver was getting more and more careless, he would end up being caught if he kept it up with the attitude and cockiness.

He got out of bed as carefully as he could, making sure not to wake up the other boys, getting out of the room and the following Wood around Hogwarts' badly illuminated corridors.

Once he finally found Wood again, he was already in the air, flying around as if his life depended on it. For way too long he stared at Oliver, not able to look away, his heart beating so fast in his chest he thought it would jump out.

He was short of breath, almost expecting Wood to fall off his broom, his eyes following Oliver around, a shadow in the skies. Suddenly, he stops but doesn't get down. He's just looking around, at the skies.

Percy called him, not able to contain himself for another second.

The next thing Weasley knew he was standing in front of Wood, looking into his eyes and touching his chest.

How had that happened, he wasn't sure. It didn't matter anyway, he was too busy not paying attention to that.

"That is my jumper", he finally said, making Oliver smile brightly at him.

"Are you sure? Perhaps I have the same one", Oliver noted.

"What does the P in it stand for then?", Percy asked, having way too much fun at that stupid situation.

If he had taken some minutes to think about that, he would realize he was happier than he had been for a while, the smile trying to surface was the proof he didn't want to see of how fake all his other smiles had been.

For way too long.

"It stands for Pretty. Because I am. Pretty, I mean", he explained, yawning a second later, making Percy's smile disappear from his face.

"Oliver…This is bullshit"

"What? I am!", Wood said defensively, blinking dramatically at Percy.

"Shut up. We need to go to bed", he said, very obviously looking everywhere except at Oliver.

"Merlin, I know I'm pretty, still, that doesn't mean you have to take me to your bed! I mean, I'm flattered but I wouldn't want to ruin the friendship", Oliver said, holding his laugh when he saw Percy's appalled expression.

"What? No!", Percy could feel his entire face redden.

"You say that now, but once you have fallen hopelessly for me, there's no turning back. I'm too perfect, Weasley, I'm sorry, I can't risk our friendship"

"That wasn't-"

"It's fine. I promise to pretend I don't know about your embarrassing crush on me"

"Wood, can you shut up for a second, please!", Oliver was laughing so hard it annoyed Percy.

“Fine. But that was unnecessarily rude”

Shaking his head, Percy asked, “Can we talk? Please?”

“We are talking”, shrugged Oliver.

“You know what I mean. Like really talk, about what happened?”

The truth was, Percy didn’t want to talk. He wanted to sit there, in the grass, listening to Oliver talk about stupid things that made him smile or laugh or think about Percy. He wanted to just be back at their normal dynamic, however, he couldn’t simply ignore Oliver’s autodestructive attitude as if it was nothing.

As Oliver agreed to it, he sat down, tapping the grass beside him for Percy to join. He would have insisted on going back to the dorm if he hadn’t noticed how Wood was fidgeting a bit more than usual.

“So…”, Wood said.

“So.”

“Aren’t we going to talk?”

ù

“Yeah, we are.”, Percy clarified.

“Alright… so… talk?”, offered Oliver, not looking at Percy at all, but at the sky above them.

“I can’t just talk. That’s not how it works”

“Of course, it’s how it works!”

“No, it is not!”

Snorting, Oliver said, “Fine. Then don’t talk. Can I talk, though, or am I obliged to live by the same insane rules you created in your head, Weasley?”

“Be my guest”

They both went quiet for a very long minute, the only sound being Oliver’s irregular breaths and Percy’s heartbeat. Even the wind stopped at that moment, almost as if the whole world held its breath.

“Weren’t you going to say something?”, asked Percy after a while.

“It’s hard, okay?” Oliver shot back, making Percy grin at him.

“I know! That’s what I was saying!”

“Nope, you were saying that if you wanted to talk you couldn’t just talk, which, really, makes no sense at all”, Oliver explained. “Anyway… as I was saying”, he started, just to be interrupted by Percy.

“You weren’t saying anything”

“Well, I was going to!”, said Oliver, defensively.

“Then you should have said ‘as I was going to say’”

“That is not- I- Could you please shut up?”, Percy opened his mouth to say the usual response to that, but Oliver didn’t let him, “Don’t. I will talk now, and you’ll listen.” Only after Percy nodded, did he proceed, “I wanna know why were you so mad at me! Not after I suggested that stupid idea, before that! I did nothing, really, I just don’t get it.”

Percy stared at him, saying nothing.

“So?” Oliver insisted.

“Oh, I’m sorry, you just told me to listen not to answer”, Percy said, forcing a smile.

The thing was, he wasn’t even sure why he was so mad at Oliver in the first place, now that he came to think of that. Okay, he was acting really dumb in front of Charlie, true. Still, Percy knew he didn’t mean to be stupid. He couldn’t pin down what exactly had bothered him so much in that interaction. That feeling was still there, every time he thought about Oliver and Charlie, and yet Percy wasn’t able to give it a name. He didn’t know what had bothered him, just that it had, and that was enough.

Clearly, not to Oliver, it wasn’t, because he was looking at Percy, waiting for a response.

“Next question”, Percy said, honestly not able to answer that one.

“What? No! That’s not fair!”

“Life’s not fair. Next question, Wood.”

“Fine. Is Silverblood your new girlfriend?”, he asked, trying to sound as casual as he could. Thing was, that question was eating him up for what seemed like an eternity, he didn’t even know why. Sure, he wasn’t Silverblood’s biggest fan, but Percy and she worked together. Someway, somehow, he could see them dating, he just didn’t like it very much.

Percy, however, oblivious to Oliver’s distress, let out a bark of laughter, not able to stop for a long time.

“No”, was the only thing he managed to say before laughing again.

“Oh. Great”

“Great, yeah, sure. Where did you get that idea from?”

Oliver could feel himself blushing, “Next question”

“What happened?”, Percy finally asked, not hesitating for a second. He needed to know, not only to help him, he needed to understand, truly understand because those days… when Oliver didn’t sleep or eat almost anything, the days when they didn’t talk to each other, they were a bloody nightmare. He needed to understand what could hurt Oliver Wood enough to make him stop. Stop laughing, smiling, talking. What could make Oliver Wood so miserable he almost disappeared, almost cease to exist altogether.

Because only understanding would make it possible to Percy to make sure it never happened again.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you stopped sleeping properly, you ate almost nothing, you didn’t laugh, you didn’t smile, you didn’t even yell at me. So, what happened?”

“Isn’t our fight reason enough?”, Oliver asked, looking at his hands.

“For you to lose it? Nope. C’mon, I’m waiting”

“I- just. Fine.”

Percy looked over at Oliver, a question in his eyes.

Oliver started talking.

_______________________________

Once the first word came out of his mouth, the rest was blurted out, flying out of his mouth before he could decide what he wanted Percy to know and what to keep a secret. Oliver wasn’t sure he was making any sense at all, everything just kept pouring out of his lips, as if all of that had been waiting, in the tip of his tongue, to be thrown out of him, away from him.

He was keenly aware of how he sounded, angry, wounded, and upset, although he didn’t care a bit, not when Percy was listening all of it so closely, paying attention to each word or sentence that came out of Oliver’s mouth.

It was, perhaps, a bit weird, still, he felt seen and understood before Percy said anything, the way he was looking at Oliver was enough to keep him going on and on about those thoughts that chased him around all week.

When he was done, he felt lighter. Percy, for a moment, said nothing. But then, “You are not a bad person. What happened was terrible and it should be seen as such, you know that, though, so I don’t need to waste my time repeating it. What you don’t seem to understand is that you are a good lad, Wood. It’s quite annoying really”

Suddenly, Oliver was laughing, not really able to believe it was, after all, that simple to talk to Percy. He had, for a moment, forgotten that they were intrinsically the same, that Percy would always comprehend him in such a deep way.

As the first tear ran down Oliver’s cheek, the sun came up. He hadn’t realized it was that late - or early -, couldn’t even count how many hours they spent talking, Percy’s hands on top of Oliver’s, holding tightly to him as if afraid he would vanish if he let go. The world shattered against them as Wood talked, only to be put together by his tears. By Percy’s arms around him, pushing him closer, closer, closer, holding him tighter, tighter, tighter. It was like the world was being put together again but Oliver himself was falling apart.

It was so weird, to live a life around Percy Weasley. Because, suddenly, Oliver couldn’t imagine it without the other boy’s presence. Suddenly, he caught himself wishing Percy would never let go of him. Would never let him break, fall apart, disappear. Because perhaps sometimes the world wasn’t worth the effort to keep it together, still, for Percy? Well, Oliver realized that, for Percy Weasley, he would do anything.