Reminiscence
It was raining heavily outside. Sirius could hear the thousand water drops hit the castle, each nearby collision echoing in the dorm.
Sirius was still in bed. His bunk was near the window. He peered through it just to see if the sun had risen yet. The clouds were dark and grey, but a few rays of sunshine penetrated them.
Up until year five, Sirius loved the rain.
He had made up an excuse as to why he loved it so much (because the true reason was a secret). He told everyone he loved it because it was romantic and that, on rainy days, girls would be keener to his flirtatious advances. But that was not the reason.
The honest cause for his appreciation of depressing weather was the opportunity to skip quidditch practice. Sirius would have rather died than have James find this out. What his best friend thought of him was really important to Sirius. So Sirius kept secret that he didn’t enjoy quidditch practices.
James loved being part of the quidditch team because he genuinely loved the sport.
Sirius loved being part of the quidditch team because he liked when people were proud of him and/or impressed by him.
He didn’t get praised during quidditch practice, therefore Sirius didn’t really like it. If it was raining, he could skip.
He’d stay inside and watch Remus read. That had been really peaceful, how Remus's worries would completely leave him as his mind lived the stories in the novels he read.
But that didn’t even matter anymore. Last year, after the incident, McGonagall had banned Sirius from the team. He got off easy. He knew his actions deserved far worse consequences, but he also knew his teacher secretly loved him way too much to expel him from Hogwarts.
He was off the team and went to detention every night for two weeks. That was it, well, only in terms ofdisciplinary measures.
His friends had also made him pay. The boys were angry with him. After countless apologies on Sirius’s part, it took James and Peter about a week to forgive him. “We know you didn’t mean to almost kill Sniv- Snape. And you also did not want Moony’s secret to be exposed. You just have to think things through before acting, okay pads?” James had said. “Pete and I have decided to forgive you. Even if it’s Remus you should apologize to.”
And that’s what Sirius had decided to do.
He had searched the map to see where Remus was; the Library. No surprise. His name was next to another boy’s. Sirius didn’t recognize the name, but it wasn’t rare for Remus to study with random Ravenclaws.
Sirius remembered being anxious while walking to find Remus that day, inaudibly rehearsing what he was going to say. “I know what I did was wrong.” and “I’m sorry, I didn’t think” was pretty much all that he could come up with, but that was also exactly what he wanted to say.
When he entered the library, there weren’t a lot of students. The familiar smell of old books lingered in the air. The library smelt like Remus, but without the sweetness.
He didn’t see Remus. He went for the tables at the back of the room. They were hidden by bookshelves hence he couldn’t see if his friend was there or not.
Once he was close enough, he heard someone whisper. “Can I kiss you?” He didn’t recognize the voice, but it was a boy’s. It wasn’t Remus’s. There was the sound of an agreeing “mhm”.
He was curious so he looked in the direction where the voice was coming from. Maybe he shouldn’t have.
He saw a dark-haired boy, lean and press his lips to Remus’s. Remus didn’t push him away or scrunch up his face. Remus kissed the boy back.
At that, Sirius couldn’t help but gasp. It was an audible gasp.
The two boys quickly broke apart and turned to see who had caught them.
When Remus saw Sirius he looked shocked and guilty at first but then, his expression turned into a cold and unbothered one.
“What do you want?” Remus had asked.
“I- uhm- I just” Sentences stopped existing. They hadn’t talked all week and now that he had the opportunity, his stupid brain was letting it slip away over the confusion of seeing Remus kiss a boy.
Remus sighed, he seemed exhausted and distant. He opened his mouth to speak but Sirius beat him to it. “I wanted to apologize.” He somehow could use his voice again. He had to apologize to Remus.
“Alright,” distant. Sirius didn’t like that. “Can you go wait for me in the common room? I was… kind of in the middle of something.”
Sirius nodded and spun on his heels.
Sirius didn’t really understand why Remus had kissed a bloke. It’s not like Remus was gay. Of course, sometimes he would say some funny comments. Such as mentioning that he was in love with Bowie. This could be perceived as a bit gay, but who wasn’t in love with Bowie?
Also, Remus’ favourite writer was Oscar Wilde (who had been convicted for “gross indecency”) but Remus did not love him because he was gay, he loved him because his writing was the best.
At least that’s what Sirius had heard. He knew nothing about muggle literature except what Moony had taught him.
It was a known fact that Remus didn’t go around school snogging every girl in his path, but that was because he respected girls. And he was shy.
The point was, Sirius didn’t think Remus was gay. Remus would have told Sirius if it was the case. Remus was one of Sirius’s best friends in the whole world.
The situation didn’t make sense.
Sirius was about to enter the common room. The fat Lady asked him what the password was. He couldn’t remember. “oh for fuck’s sake” Sirius was mentally exhausted and she wouldn’t let him in.
“That’s not the password.”
Sirius was getting frustrated at a portrait. “You do know that I have been a student here for five years, right?” The fat lady wasn’t responsive.
“I see we have the same problem.” The annoying voice came from a nearby set of stairs. Snape walked closer to Sirius, closer to the portrait.
“No, we do not,” Sirius told him, “I forgot my password, and you are trying to creep in our common room to talk to a girl who told you to leave her alone.”
Severus Snape had called Lily Evans a you know what in front of everyone. Lily had told him to never talk to her again. He clearly didn’t get the message. Every night he came by the portrait hoping she would let him in so that they could talk.
“She just needs to hear my apology.” Snape had told Sirius.
“No, she doesn’t. She doesn’t want to be friends with you. After what you said, the least you can do is respect her wishes.” Sirius cared for Lily. Not because James loved her, but because ever since he had met her, when they were eleven years old, he had never seen her do anything that could remotely be considered selfish. She was truly kind and loyal. Sirius really respected her.
Sirius could hear Severus breathing. People who breathed loudly infuriated him.
Severus reached into the pocket of his Slytherin's robe and grabbed a letter. He extended his hand to Sirius. Sirius took the letter. It was addressed to Lily. A short laugh escaped his mouth. “I’m not going to give this to her.”
“yes, you are.” Severus didn’t have a malicious smirk plastered on his face. He seemed like he truly wanted to make amends with Lily. “Give this to her, or I’ll tell people about Lupin.” Definitely still malicious.
“You can’t, Dumbledore swore you to secrecy.” Sirius thought Slytherins were supposed to be evil masterminds. He was not so sure about the “mastermind” part anymore.
“I’m not talking about that.”
Sirius raised an eyebrow. What was he talking about?
“I’ll tell ‘em Lupin likes to kiss boys.”
Oh.
Sirius could not let that happen. What if people thought Remus was gay? And what if that made them think Sirius was gay too? The two of them spent a lot of time together.
“Why would you spread such a weird lie?” Sirius thought this was a smart approach.
“We both know that’s not a lie. He’s queer” after a short pause, he continued “I saw him in the library.”
“Whatever you’re saying is complete rubbish.” This wasn’t looking too well “I wouldn’t be friends with that kind of people”
That was a lie, but it was believable. Sirius was from the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. His mother, if she was to ever refer to homosexuals, would use words like “deviant” and some worse…
“Wouldn’t be friends with that kind of people?” That was Remus's voice. Remus’s scared and disappointed voice Fuck! Sirius had heard that tone in Moony’s voice only once before in his life. And it was only a week before that day. When Remus had woken up after the incident.
“I didn’t mean-”
But Remus stormed past and quietly uttered the password. Snape couldn’t hear it. The portrait hole opened.
Sirius looked at Snape before following Remus into the room. “I’ll give her the letter” He still had it in his hand.
Even if Sirius could only see Remus’s back, he could feel that Remus portrayed rage.
Sirius looked around the room. The only person present was lily. She was sitting at a desk, studying. Without speaking, Sirius put the letter on top of her parchments. She took it and started to read its content.
“Moony, I swear I don’t-” Sirius walked up to Remus, he reached for his shoulder to turn him around. Sirius wanted to see Remus's face. But when Remus flinched, stepping away and turned to look him in the eye, Sirius felt worse than he ever had.
There wasn’t anger in his eyes. It seemed like despair.
Remus looked like a ghost. He was pale and his eyes were red. He was crying. “You’ve really done it now, Black”
What? Remus had never called Sirius by his last name.
“I mean, It’s no surprise.” Remus laughed through the tears. There was an abundance of bitterness. “Given your family and such, I mean. Your mom would have been proud to hear you say that.”
“Moony, stop it. I didn’t-” Once again Remus cut him off.
“Don’t call me that.” His voice was harsh and getting louder. “Only my mates call me Moony. And you have made it clear we aren’t friends”
That hurt Sirius a lot. “I was lying to Snape! he said you were queer and I was trying to convince him that you weren’t”
“Of course! every bad thing you do always has a good motive. But you know what? I don’t care if people know that I’m gay!” Remus screamed. He had stopped crying. “Fancying lads isn’t something that I am ashamed of.”
Sirius stared at him blankly, then peeked at the stair where Peter and James had been standing for an unknown amount of time.
“But I am ashamed of how foolish I was to believe we were friends.”
“We- we are. We’re friends. This doesn’t change anything.” Sirius’s voice was weak, way weaker than Remus’s.
“This isn’t even about me being gay.”
Sirius was confused. But then he remembered. “I told you I wanted to apologize. So I am,” He tried to softly smile at Remus, but the corners of his mouth were only pulling down. “I am truly sorry, I shouldn’t have told Snape about the willow.” This was harder than he thought it would be. His voice was shaking. “I didn’t think before I acted.”
Remus sarcastically chuckled at his attempt at an apology. “Do you know what’s the first meaningful thing anyone has ever said to me?” It wasn’t a question, Remus went on “Friends can keep secrets from each other as long as they’re the kind of secret that doesn’t hurt anyone. I think what really matters in a friendship is that once those secrets are shared, you never betray them.” He scoffed. “Do you recognize your words, Sirius? Do you remember?”
He did remember. Sirius was only thirteen when he uttered those words. Remus was in the infirmary after the full moon; the first moon where Sirius knew what was happening to Remus. He said the only thing he could think of that would convince Remus he was a good friend, a good person, while informing him that the others wouldn't tell the school he was a werewolf. Sirus never knew his words had meant something. Or that Remus remembered them.
“You probably don’t remember.” Remus said.
“You’re wrong, I do remember.”
“Well, that’s even worse! Because you do know that friends aren’t supposed to betray one another like that. And yet, you did it. You betrayed me” Remus was so cold it was unbearable. “I could have ended up in Azkaban. or dead. Because of you. So you see, I am no longer interested in your apologies. I don’t want to see you, or talk to you anymore. I’d honestly be embarrassed if we stayed friends”
Sirius’ eyes were watering. He had never felt this bad. It was like someone was casting crutio onto him. “You don’t mean that.”
“Oh but Sirius, I truly do. In ten years when I’ll read the paper and learn that you were arrested with your family and proven guilty of being a death eater, I won’t even be surprised. I’ll just think about how ashamed I am that I was friends with you for so many years.” Remus was unleashed. He was targeting what he knew would hurt Sirius the most. And that angered Sirius.
“Remus, you’re crossing a line.” Came James’ voice remembering the boys that they weren’t alone. But they didn’t really care.
“Fuck you, Remus! I don’t care anymore that you won’t accept my apology.” Sirius wasn’t going to let Remus say things like that about him. He was nothing like his family.
“I suppose you don’t even realize that we’ve always been this way? You fuck up, you apologize and I forgive you, even if the things you’ve done have hurt me”
“Well it’s not my fault you’re in love with me!” That was an impulsive thing to do. He probably shouldn’t have said that.
Remus took a step forward. His face immensely close to Sirius’s. He looked him straight in the eye. Remus was taller but that didn’t intimidate Sirius.
“Whoever the fuck is in love with you is better off than dead. You’re a selfish hypocrite, an arrogant asshole and a future death eater.” Lily, Peter and James were taken aback, but not Sirius. Sirius was fuming.
He didn’t care how much that hurt, he wanted Remus to hurt too. But he knew that if he said something meaner than what Remus had just said, his friends would eventually choose Remus over him. He couldn’t be too mean.“Fine then, we’re not friends anymore. The only thing I’ll miss is having someone do my essays for me. Hopefully, your Ravenclaw boyfriend won’t mind that you turn into a-”
And that’s all that Sirius can recollect from that day. Lily had knocked him unconscious before he could finish his sentence. Which was the right thing to do since a group of first-year students had just entered the common room.
After that, Sirius didn’t like the rain anymore. It was a painful reminder of past-Remus.
Sirius knew that Remus knew his side of the story because James had explained it to Lily and Lily did to Remus.
And after that, Remus had continued to ignore Sirius. It’s not like Sirius tried to reach out to Remus, but Remus was the one who should apologize. What he had said was worse. And he never asked for forgiveness, so a year later, Sirius and him still hadn’t made up.
At first it was difficult. Trying to avoid Remus. But they had telepathically agreed on a schedule to avoid crossing paths.
Sirius would usually wake up early and Remus late.
If all of their mutual friends were to eat together, which didn’t happen that often, they would sit on opposite sides of the table.
They would always avoid eye contact.
If they had to do schoolwork in teams, Remus would go with Lily and Sirius with James. Peter would alternate.
Sirius would always go to bed early and already be asleep (or pretend to be) when Remus arrived.
Sirius had noticed that Remus got drunk a lot. He also overheard him talking about drugs to Lily. This wasn’t good for him, but he wasn’t Sirius’s to care about anymore. As if he ever was.
Sirius was glad he never had to see Remus with a boyfriend. He wouldn’t have been jealous, but he would have certainly been angry that Remus was happier. Happier than Sirius and Happier than past-Remus.
Maybe Remus was speaking truth when he called Sirius a selfish hypocrite. Why would Remus finding happiness negatively impact Sirius? Maybe Sirius was a bad person. But why dwell on the past when you can use the present to work on self growth?
Sirius got out of bed. He glanced at his sleeping friends and headed towards the showers.
The water was hot. His muscles clenched when he felt it. But after a moment, he felt relaxed. He was alone. Everyone was still asleep.
Having the room to himself, he didn’t even have to be discreet when he stole a few pumps of James’s shampoo and washed his hair.
Prongs had the best shampoo there was. It smelled great and made Sirius’s hair look like a mermaid’s. Sirius always stole James’s shampoo and James never noticed.
When Sirius got out of the shower, he realized he hadn’t brought his clothes with him. He had to go to the dorm.
He put his hair in a bun. A towel hung low on his hips. He looked in the mirror and his reflection confirmed that he still had the appearance of a Greek god.
Perfect. If someone were to cross paths with his almost naked self, they’d be blessed with images to think about when it’s late at night and they can’t fall asleep just yet…
Maybe he needed to work on self growth but certainly not on self esteem.