lyin' eyes

Nat’s eyes were red, wind forcing tears to stream down her cheeks. She thought about Gavin, then Kevyn, then Jackie, then Van. She ignored her instinct to be rational and instead walked three and a half miles back to her trailer.

When she got back she didn’t hesitate to rifle through the shoebox in her closet until she pulled out a little plastic baggy and a bottle. She chased her ecstasy with shitty vodka and gagged after practically inhaling half of it. She grabbed her headphones off the shelf and hit play on Kevyn’s mixtape for her. It was only a matter of minutes before she was stretched out on the bed, euphoria leaking out of her ears. The buzzing in her head quieted. She wouldn’t remember the rest of the month.

March drowned out into a total absence of sobriety. Whatever she could get her hands on, Nat was on it. She had missed so many practices that even Jackie had gotten concerned. It was three days before April when she knocked on her door.

“I can smell your lit cigarette from out here, Nat.” Jackie rapped on the splintering wood again.

What the fuck. Nat mouthed, cursing herself out for ever letting Jackie Taylor know where she lived. She got up to open the door, head swimming. For the last two weeks teachers, teammates, Kevyn, anyone’s voice had ended up muffled behind a mind in limbo. Yet here was Jackie, voice sharp as ever. The door swung open and Nat groaned. Jackie looked actually fucking worried. She felt kind of bad.

“This is just part of my job as your teammate.” Jackie shoved past and walked into the trailer.

“I don’t need a welfare check.” Nat shook her head and scratched her eyebrow.

“Apparently, you do.” Jackie swiped a finger on the counter and watched white powder fall off her finger.

Nat gritted her teeth. “What do you want from me?”

“Your lover is worried about you.” Jackie shrugged, falling back on the couch and sighing.

“Yeah? Well Gavin can apologize first and maybe I’ll think about actually talking to him.”

“Oh, I meant Lottie.”

Nat turned. “Don’t be fucking weird.”

“Don’t dish out what you can’t take.” Jackie referenced the time Nat confronted her about Shauna. Fair enough.

“Maybe I don’t show it the way you like, but I actually care about Gavin.”

Jackie squinted. “Mkay.” She said, smacking her lips obnoxiously.

“You can leave.” Nat was still standing by the doorway.

“Not until you talk.”

“There’s nothing to say.”

“Oh please, you wish I believed that.” Jackie scoffed, crossing her arms. “There’s something I’ve been keeping from you.”

Nat looked at her. She didn’t know what to think, it could have been anything really.

“Wanna know why that kiss was just a kiss?”

“Oh great, here we go again.” Nat groaned, throwing her arms up.

“Wanna know why?” Jackie continued.

“Fuck you.” Nat jabbed.

“It was something you said, Nat.”

Nat didn’t respond. Her eyes started to water.

“After you kissed me, you whispered something in my ear. Remember?”

Nat shook her head. She genuinely could not think of what she might have said to Jackie Taylor after planting one on her.

“You told me you wished you could have kissed Lottie instead.”

She blinked. Her mouth was dry and she couldn’t manage to get any words out. Nat didn’t recognize her own actions. She hadn’t said that. Right? 

“No.” It came out unstable, like she was trying to convince herself more than Jackie.

“Yes, Nat.”

Nat felt her heart drop. Not at all what she was expecting. Was that what she was arguing with her about in the parking lot? Is that why Jackie defended her after that Never Have I Ever Game? What was that saying about drunk words being sober thoughts?

“How did…” Nat swallowed the lump in her throat. She couldn’t finish her sentence. “You knew? This whole time, you knew.”

Jackie nodded.

“It never crossed your mind to tell me?” Nat’s voice shook.

“I didn’t know how you’d take it. Clearly I had some valid concerns.” Jackie whispered the last part. 

Nat didn’t know what this meant. She definitely didn’t know why she started crying, either. She walked over to the couch where Jackie sat up.

“I fucked up, Jackie.”

“It’s okay.” Jackie held her hands out and wrapped them around Nat, letting her cry into her shoulder. She kissed the top of her head and smoothed her bangs over. Nat couldn’t even tell what exactly she was crying over, but she knew she was lost. Lottie was the nicest girl in that whole damn state. It was true, and it sucked. She never even talked shit like the others did. Only when there was someone who actually deserved it. The sweetness made Nat’s teeth ache. “It’s not your fault.” Jackie whispered, feeling Nat’s body shake.

Nat blocked out every aching thought inside of her that told her to get up and leave. To stop crying and swallow the pain away in gulps of liquor or tiny pills. She put every single touch of doubt aside for five minutes and let Jackie console her. She felt like an idiot. Useless and hurting, mind numb. But it settled quietly on her skin, Jackie making dumb jokes about their English class and giggling in her ear.

Nat wore herself out and fell asleep on the couch on top of Jackie. She woke up to sunlight in her eyes, Jackie breathing quietly beneath her. She couldn’t help but laugh. They had slept through the night. Turns out they both needed it. Nat felt guilt creep up her throat and she immediately pushed herself off of Jackie.

She let her guard down. Completely on accident. Her mind raced to backtrack, thoughts of Lottie starting to pressure her. She needed to slow down and reset. She hadn’t thought of Gavin or Lottie in weeks and it made her head hurt beyond belief.

Jackie left shortly after Nat had woken up. They exchanged a few words but her exit was brief. Nat trudged back to her room and slumped onto her bed, falling right back asleep.

…

School was suddenly a welcome distraction. Nat threw herself into the classes she actually did enjoy: History and Gym. Lottie had History with her, and it forced her to realize just how adamant she was about avoiding the hell out of her. Of course Lottie didn’t suspect anything, it made sense for Nat to avoid her after their almost-fight. But Nat knew it was deeper than that, and she put more energy into dodging interactions with Lottie than she did with anything else.

Every time she saw her, all 5’10 of her smooth skin and soft hair, she’d feel her heart thrumming in her chest like a ticking time bomb. It was like constantly having to walk on ice. Nat barely had any time to process what Jackie had told her, and she didn’t need it to get any more complicated.

As March came to an end, Nat found herself back at the Rutgers dorms. She felt this weight of responsibility to fix her performance in English, and she figured she’d ask Gavin for help. She held her breath when she knocked on the door.

It wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Gavin didn’t apologize, but he let her in and sat her down. He wrote the introduction to a few essays and let Nat finish them on her own. They didn’t talk a whole lot, but it was a start. He kissed her on her way out.

She wouldn’t ever admit this to him, but it was a lot easier to avoid confronting her feelings about the Lottie situation if she ran back to her relationship with Gavin.

Jackie didn’t dig too deep into it. She acknowledged that they were on okay terms again and decided not to push any further. She wasn’t like Lottie like that. Jackie cared, but not enough to tell her what she really thought of Gavin. Nat wondered why that was. She could tell she had a whole lot of shit to say, which was really the only way Jackie Taylor knew how to do anything. But she kept her mouth shut, and Nat appreciated that.

It was only on the first party of April that shit hit the fan.

It was always a party. Maybe it was time for Nat to learn her lesson and just stop fucking going to those. But the closer they got to the end of the year, the more important it was to be present. She needed chemistry with her teammates to make it work as a Senior on Varsity.

She forced herself to map out all the interactions she’d have to have, and planned to mostly stick next to Gavin. Not that she was trying to prove a point or anything.

This party was smaller than usual, and that’s because it was hosted by Jeff Sadecki, who only ever wanted “certain people” there. Nat scanned all of her weak points in the crowd. That meant anyone Lottie would possibly be talking to. She also made a note to avoid Laura Lee, who was there for the same reason she was, soccer. No need to listen to her spew bible verses to avoid doing shots.

She looped her arm through Gavin’s. Made it look perfect, like they hadn’t driven in total silence on the way there.

“Nataliannn.” Van had an arm around Taissa and a drink in the other. Nat giggled at her play on words.

“I am so sorry, she doesn’t ever know how to behave.” Taissa smiled at Van sweetly. Nat recognized the look on her face. She wished she didn’t know what it felt like to look at someone like that.

“Trust me, I know. Where’s Jackie?” Nat rushed and Tai pointed off to the corner of the room where she was sitting with Shauna, counting something off on her fingers.

“And when I got us out of that rut against Summit High.” Jackie finished as Nat approached.

“Times she was a good leader.” Shauna nodded and Nat tried not to laugh.

“So just the one time then.” Nat and Shauna shared a knowing look. Shauna had her head on Jackie’s shoulder and Jeff was nowhere to be seen. Who ever really knew what was going on with them?

“Jackie, can I speak to you for a moment?” Nat looked over to where Lottie was standing. Jackie understood.

“Gavin, did you know Shauna is looking into Rutgers for college?” Jackie motioned towards her and Shauna nodded through a sip of her drink. Talk. Jackie mouthed, and dragged Nat away.

“So, if there was ever a time for you to tell me what you and Lottie were talking about in the parking lot the other day… That would be now.” Nat whispered as they walked to the kitchen. Jackie sucked in a breath.

“No, Nat.”

“Jackie, please.” Nat begged.

“Not a good idea. You are too damn stubborn, come on.”

“I’m going insane trying to avoid her.”

“What, so you’re allergic to Lottie Matthews all of a sudden?”

“Yes!” Nat nearly yelled and she had to lower her voice again. “Listen, maybe if I know what she’s been thinking it’ll give me a little bit of clarity.”

“Nuh-uh. Absolutely not. You didn’t wanna talk about Gavin, I’m not bringing up Gavin.”

“It was about Gavin?” Nat sighed. Of course.

Jackie shrugged and handed Nat a drink. “Take my advice, forget about it for tonight.” Nat burned a hole through the cup with her eyes before she took it.

“I’m bad at sitting still.” Nat said, followed by a few big gulps of liquor.

“No shit.” Jackie mumbled, the edge of her cup between her lips.

The rest of the night was almost tame. Almost. Nat had been glued to Gavin’s side for a good few hours which helped her avoid Lottie. This guy was like Lottie Matthews repellant. But it was when the two went to the kitchen to grab another round of drinks that Nat almost ran into her.

Nat nearly choked. She backed up until she hit the edge of the kitchen counter. Gavin was beside her, Lottie across. The alcohol worked quicker than her mind. She grabbed Gavin by the jaw and dove right in. She kissed him like she got her oxygen from his lungs. She felt Lottie’s eyes widen on her, and it only egged her on. She grabbed his hair, pulling him in. He got the hint and lifted her onto the counter. When Nat pulled away, Lottie was gone. She was gasping for breath and adjusting her shirt when the guilt began to bubble in her stomach. Gavin was just looking at her like she was a whole meal.

“Shit, one second.” Nat’s mind was totally elsewhere. She hopped off the counter and followed her instinct.

Lottie was sitting quietly in Jeff’s bedroom, cup in hand. She was fidgeting restlessly and didn’t say a single word when Nat walked in, breathless.

“I wasn’t thinking.” Nat geared up to continue acting defensive but was cut off.

“You proved your point.” Lottie said quietly, not looking up from her drink.

“What are you talking about?”

“It’s dumb that I care. I get it. But honestly, Nat. Let’s be serious. He’s hurting you.”

“Who gives a shit?” Nat raised her voice, expression tense. “You act like you’re better than me. Like you know what I want and what I don’t. You invited me, Lottie. To your fucking house!” Nat ran a hand through her hair in disbelief. “Enough with the savior complex already. You’re not doing me any favors.”

“I don’t think I’m better than you.” Lottie’s voice stayed soft. “I think you’re lying to yourself.”

Nat gritted her teeth. “Honestly Lottie, go fuck yourself.”

“Okayyy, that’s enough.” Jackie slowed as she jogged into the room, one hand resting on the doorframe.

“Nat, out.” Jackie jerked her thumb backwards. Nat scowled. “Let’s go drama queen, now.” Jackie tugged on Nat’s shirt and she hissed in protest.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” Nat shuffled out of the doorway with her arms raised in surrender.

“Yeah, yeah. Walk it off.” Jackie turned to face Lottie. Her eyes were still on Nat as she walked out.

“Lottie…” Jackie started.

“No, you cannot possibly blame me for this.” Lottie whined.

“I’m not. But Christ Lot, give the girl some space.”

Lottie had her head in her hands, messing with her bangs in frustration.

“What am I supposed to do? Act like I don’t care?  It’s not your house she’s showing up at after they fight.”

“You look at her like she just tore your heart out with her bare hands.” Lottie shot her a look. “Just, go easy on her. She’s a little lost.” Jackie continued.

Lottie nodded with a sigh. “Fuck that stupid man.”

Jackie giggled in response.