Headed for the Cheatin' Side of Town
April meant practice was starting to kick in, full gear. Not just drills or conditioning either. Scrimmages, friendlies, the works.
That meant Lottie. Lottie, Lottie, Lottie. Everywhere.
It didn’t take long for Jackie to pick up on it.
“Head in the game, Nat!” She yelled from across the field. The ball was at her feet and every time she tried to focus on it, her vision went blurry. It was like whatever was going on in her head was more important than this scrimmage, more important than avoiding an injury, more important than listening to Jackie, who was already mad at her for what happened at Jeff’s.
The ball tumbled right into the feet of one of the JV players, who was on the opposing side for the match. Nat set her hands on her knees and panted rapidly. Jackie was gonna have a fucking field day with her.
When the whistle blew Jackie had a finger pointed at Nat and a less-than-pleasant expression on her face. “You.”
Nat brought a hand to the back of her neck to wipe the sweat off.
“This is a joke, right?” Jackie approached Nat, invading her personal space with her face so close to Nat’s that when she exhaled blonde bangs shifted. “You can’t keep acting like you’ve got all the time in the world. This team needs to shape the hell up before next year, and last I checked you were on this team, am I wrong?”
Nat swallowed. “No. No, you’re not wrong.”
“Come on, get yourself home.” Jackie sighed, brushing dirt off of Nat’s shoulder. Nat nodded and jogged back into the locker room.
She could feel eyes on her as she threw a hoodie on and finished stuffing clothes into her bag. She shouldn’t have been surprised that the others could feel the tension radiating off her body, but it still made her uncomfortable to realize just how aware her teammates were.
Practices got marginally better by May. Nat and Gavin hadn’t fought, she was still avoiding Lottie, and Jackie was still a pain in her ass about soccer. Van had helped her after practices on Wednesdays and Thursdays though, and she could feel herself finding the rhythm again.
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but I’m worried about Lottie.” Van said between stretches.
“You’re right, I don’t want to hear this.” Nat grumbled, one leg out in front of her and the other tucked in.
“She’s concerned.”
“Oh my god she’s concerned?” Nat said, voice coated in sarcasm. “Should we throw a party? Should we make a cake?” She feigned a gasp. “Should we invite her therapist?!”
“Maybe we should invite your therapist. Oh wait! You don’t have one.” Van jumped up as Nat’s cleat flew past her head. “Tone down the murder attempts.”
“Tone down your attitude.” Nat mocked as she reached for her shoe. Van smacked her hand in response. “Ow..” Nat whispered.
“You are pushing away the one person who actually gives enough of a shit about you to speak up about it.” Van argued. Nat rubbed her hand silently.
“You’re starting to sound like Jackie. Or Shauna.” Nat scowled. “Tai is turning you sweet.”
Van giggled.
“Ew. Don’t do that.” Nat pulled some of the grass out from beneath her and tossed it at Van. She dodged it with unfortunate grace and flung another fistful back at Nat.
…
Friday brought flowers with it. Gavin took Nat out near Conaskonk Point to walk along Union Beach. The air was thick and warm, sun setting and leaving shades of gold painted on the sand. Nat hated the way New Jersey could make her feel. Nostalgic for a time she hated when she was still in it. What a strange thing. A flash of yellow landed on her fingertip.
“Oh shit, a butterfly.” Nat lifted her finger to show Gavin the patterned wings of the familiar critter.
Gavin glanced at it, a small smile playing on his lips. “It kind of matches your hair.”
Nat swallowed, hard. The photo flashed in her mind, the memory forcing its way into her thoughts.
Lottie held the butterfly up next to Nat’s face, grinning stupidly. “You could totally rock this hair color.” Her eyes flickered from the butterfly's pale yellow wings to Nat’s embarrassed smile.
“Oh, you so could.” Van agreed, looking at little butterfly feet walking across Lottie’s finger.
“Barbie-fied Nat.” Lottie giggled.
“Blonde and what else? Nat is nothing like Barbie.” Van shook her head.
“Fucking gorgeous, obviously.” Lottie glanced back at Nat. They shared a look until Nat couldn’t hold her gaze anymore. She diverted her attention, color rushing to her cheeks.
“Yeah, it does.” Nat whispered, letting the memory wash away and meeting Gavin’s eyes. He kissed her forehead and looked back out at the water. Nat didn’t hear a word he said for the next hour.
…
On Monday the following week Lottie didn’t show up to practice. Nat didn’t notice because she had already accustomed herself to not seeing Lottie anyways. Even without confronting the absence in her mind, Nat still lost possession of the ball more than she usually did. It was like her body knew Lottie wasn’t there.
When she went into the locker room to retrieve a refill for her water bottle, she heard Coach Ben and Jackie arguing.
“That’s three strikes, Jackie. I’m sorry but I have to suspend her from the team, I can’t just bend the rules. You didn’t see me letting Akilah into friendlies after she missed three practices, did you?”
Jackie ran a hand through her hair in distress. “Can’t you see she’s dealing with some shit right now? I’m sorry for my language coach, but cut the girl some slack.”
“These practices are vital to our performance next year. I’m suspending her, Jackie. If she wants to be present enough to argue her case, I’ll be happily waiting. Get back outside, alright?” Ben tossed his clipboard onto his chair and positioned his hands on his hips. Jackie eyed him up and down before turning around. She waited to be out of his earshot before whispering useless fucking twink under her breath and storming out of the locker room.
“Jackie.” Nat called out. Shit. She finished filling up her water and jogged out behind Jackie.
“Jackie.” She repeated. Jackie whipped around, eyes wide. “What were you talking to Ben about?”
“He wants to start up some new drills.” Jackie lied.
“Oh, right.” Nat kept looking at her. Jackie looked around before nodding.
“You good?”
“Hm? Yeah.” Nat replied, distracted by Van waving her over in the background. Jackie raised an eyebrow before turning on her heel to go back to the field.
Nat followed but kept her distance, realizing Jackie hadn’t noticed her presence indoors.
Practice closed out with a team huddle and a prayer led by Laura Lee. Nat could never let anyone know that she secretly felt kind of safe when Laura Lee prayed. She didn’t believe in any of it, but it was reassuring to know someone was looking out for her.
May ended up being slow. The kind of slow Nat didn’t want but honestly needed. She felt a little empty and some days her hands were so cold despite the increasing heat that she swore her fingers went numb. She felt this resistant pain in her gut for the following weeks when Lottie was suspended from friendly matches, but she knew to ignore it and focus on the game instead. Their performance as a team was subpar. Nat tried to care. She tuned out Jackie, and Kevyn, and eventually Van.
June was the month school let out. Nat remembered to mark the end of year party on her calendar. She hadn’t spoken to Lottie in two months and couldn’t recall anything that had even happened. When she tried to think back to it, it was all a blur. Jackie hosted a team bonding night on June seventh.
For the first time in a while, Nat was forced to be in the presence of Lottie without Gavin to run back to. Her breathing was uneven before Jackie even opened the door. Jackie smiled softly at her and let her in with a small hug.
Nat greeted Van, Tai, Laura Lee, Mari, Akilah, Shauna, then Melissa. When she made eye contact with Lottie her stomach dropped. Her hand fell to her side and she brushed past her, every inch of her body aching.
It had only been half an hour into the night when Nat’s body begged her to call it quits. She wasn’t paying attention to the game or to Van laughing about something right beside her. She watched Lottie smiling with Laura Lee across the room and willed herself to stop thinking. Lottie looked okay. Like she hadn’t been suspended for missing practice. Like she wasn’t enduring Nat’s cold shoulder. Her stomach twisted.
Jackie set a hand on Nat’s thigh to snap her back to reality and Nat gave a troubled smile that failed to reassure her. Nat’s eyes kept wandering over to Lottie, heart heavy and pounding against her chest.
The night wore on, and an hour and a half in Nat couldn’t take it anymore.
She got up slowly and then jogged off to the bathroom to splash water on her face. She was pale and shaking, and she had no idea why. The reason walked in soon after.
“Nat.” She froze when Lottie’s voice hit her ears. Goosebumps formed on her neck and arms and she felt her throat closing up. Her breath shook with an attempt to speak but nothing came out.
“I can’t wait around for you anymore.” Lottie continued, eyes full of anguish. She was laughing just a minute ago but now looked like she had never been in more pain. “This on-and-off thing? It’s hurting me. And the truth is, I stopped caring a while ago. Just do whatever you want, but please, leave me out of it.”
Nat felt like she was going to throw up. Lottie waited for her to speak but let out a faint sigh when she was met with silence. She plastered on a half-convincing smile and turned to leave but stopped in the doorway of the bathroom.
“Nat…” She could hear the distress in Lottie’s voice. “I miss you.”
Nat didn’t respond and Lottie turned. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the tears in Lottie’s eyes.
“I fucking miss you.” She repeated. “And not just when it’s four in the morning and I’m alone in my house, or when I get in a fight with my parents, or when I’m bored, or when I’m listening to a sad song. I miss you in a crowded room with all my favorite people. I miss you when I’m happy because that’s how I felt when you were around but you’re never around anymore.” Nat watched the tears stream down Lottie’s face as she spoke. “I miss you all the time. All the fucking time. I miss you so bad I can’t think straight.”
Nat’s skin turned to ice. She chewed on the inside of her cheek to stop the tears from falling.
“I miss you too.” Nat’s voice broke.
“Please don’t.” Lottie begged, despair in her words. She lifted a hand to her face to wipe her cheek, sucked in a long breath, and shut the door as she walked out. As soon as the door closed Nat clicked the lock into place and fell back against the solid wood, sobs breaking from her throat.
Jackie got her into her bedroom within a few minutes and let her fall asleep there, telling the other Yellowjackets that she wasn’t feeling well. Jackie had to hold her breath when she saw Nat’s eyeliner stain her pillow, figuring it wasn’t a great time to get mad about it.
…
When Nat woke up Jackie was gone, a post it note telling her she had gone to Shauna’s for breakfast. She sat up on the bed and rubbed her eyes until she was seeing spots. She ached for a cigarette and let herself out onto the patio to smoke. She slumped back onto one of Jackie’s lawn chairs, rolling her thumb over the wheel of her zippo until it lit up, drawing in a breath to ignite her cigarette. She watched the trees move, sun peeking in through the branches. She flipped through the last couple months, replaying memories in her head.
Most moments were fuzzy and ill-defined. She could still picture laughing in the kitchen with Lottie with as much clarity as the day it had happened though. She looked back at the cigarette between her fingers, tasting bitter smoke in her gums.
The rest of the day was quiet. She got a ride home from Van, smoked a joint behind the diner, listened to music until she passed out.
The following week Lottie’s suspension was lifted.
…
It was June and somehow it was cold out. The sky was gray, sun covered up by clouds, and the wind had a thick chill to it. Nat dreaded this practice more than anything. Lottie was back and just the sight of her made Nat ill.
What was even worse was that Lottie stuck to her word. She didn’t care what Nat did. She didn’t bring up Gavin, she didn’t argue with Jackie, she didn’t even steal a glance at her during practice. There was genuine apathy in her gaze and it killed Nat to witness.
Nat’s skin burned where Lottie’s arm grazed hers during scrimmage. It felt nearly impossible to pretend like it didn’t. She tried her best to focus on the game, but still felt Jackie’s stare burning a hole in her back whenever she let the ball roll out of touch. If Coach Martinez was the one responsible for putting Lottie on the opposite team, defending her, she’d find that man in his sleep and gut him like a fish.
The match was 2-1, Nat’s side losing, with six minutes left and Nat’s muscles throbbed with every tiny movement. She wanted so badly to prove a point to Jackie. Van passed the ball right to her feet and her body kicked into high gear. She tasted metal in her mouth, dribbling the ball along the field lines. She searched for an opening in the goal, but Lottie was faster. She swore she could hear Jackie’s breath catch from across the green. She rolled the ball right with the outside of her foot to try and outmaneuver her defender. Her face broke into a smile when she succeeded, dashing to catch up with the ball which had reached a perfect distance from the net.
That’s when Lottie pulled out all the stops, slamming her left side into Nat. Her forearm hit Nat’s stomach and their legs collided, ball tumbling out of bounds.
Nat crumpled to the ground, knees giving out. She slid over the turf, friction leaving gashes on her arm. Van gritted her teeth and winced. Lottie stopped, standing over Nat. Her expression was totally blank. The whistle blew.
Nat tried to get up and staggered, pushing herself up with both arms. The adrenaline hit her and she stood, blood gushing down her bicep where she was scraped. Without thinking she approached Lottie, grinding her teeth through anger. She shoved the taller girl, hard, and watched her stumble backwards.
“You little bitch.” Nat’s jaw clenched.
“Fucking loser.” Lottie recovered and shoved Nat back, fire in her throat. Jackie was sprinting across the field. Everyone else around was just watching, tension breaking over the field. Van groaned and let her head fall onto Taissa’s shoulder, stopping herself from looking at the wreckage.
“You have a lot of nerve-” Nat grabbed Lottie by the jersey and spat in her face, grinning maliciously. Jackie slid between them, pushing them off each other with both hands.
Coach Ben jogged up behind Jackie, grabbing Nat and gripping her shoulder. “Breathe, Natalie.” He leveled his face with hers, eyes falling over her injuries. Jackie was scolding Lottie, who stood there completely silent, bitter tears in her eyes.
Coach Martinez ran a hand through his hair angrily and called for the end of practice, retreating to his office without saying a word to any of the girls. Ben handed Nat off to Van and Taissa, who brought her into the nurses room to clean up her wounds. Jackie dragged Lottie into the locker room to cool off.
The health room was pure, blinding white. White floors, white ceilings, white desks, everything. Nat had to squint to see anything in there. She was squirming in pain as the school nurse rinsed the gashes on her arm with disinfectant. So many people were talking at once and she couldn’t hear any one of them. Just buzzing, loud and incessant in her ears. The wind had gotten knocked out of her when she was struck and the air was only now starting to return to her lungs. The nurse wrapped the lacerations up with bandages and medical tape and talked to Ben about proper wound care.
The room was still and Nat watched as her teammates and coach filtered out until it was just her, lying on the cold cot. She waited for the nurse to return with pain medication but drifted off impatiently.
She awoke to rustling in the office. Her eyes adjusted to the blinding lights, expecting to see the nurse back with her pills.
Long, dark brown hair came into view. Lottie was standing over the bed, cheeks burning red with what may have been shame, but Nat was too disoriented to tell. She leaned forward and blinked away the blurriness in her eyes.
“Jesus Christ, Lottie.” Her heart pounded and she stood up shakily. Lottie was looking at her with something resembling guilt.
“Holy shit, Nat.” She held her breath as she looked at the bandages wrapped around Nat’s arm.
“Gonna cry, Matthews?” Nat started to recollect everything and anger kicked in. “Get the hell away from me.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Lottie fidgeted with her jersey, backing away instinctively. Nat laughed bitterly.
“Bullshit.” Nat’s voice was tainted with venom. “You are such a goddamn liar.” She approached Lottie slowly. “You ‘didn't mean to hurt me’ but you didn’t exactly go easy on me, did you?”
“I was caught up in the game.” Lottie lied.
“You slammed me into the fucking ground.” Nat growled lowly. Lottie felt the façade drop off and poison dripped out of her mouth.
“I should have hit you harder.” Lottie snapped, suddenly standing still.
“I’m right here.” Nat challenged. “You gonna keep acting like you don’t give a shit what I do? Because I’m not sure I believe it anymore.”
Lottie didn’t respond. Nat responded with a light shove to the chest, backing her into the wall.
“You wanna ignore me for months, then come here and pretend you care?” Nat pushed further, harder. “Fucking say something.” Nat started to shake, lips trembling. She had one arm on the wall, trapping Lottie in. She pulled back and slammed her hand against the tile. “You’re a coward. Do something. Stop me. Fight back. Fucking do anything.” Nat pressed. She wanted some kind of proof that she still cared. Lottie got this sudden look in her eye. Crazed, wild. Dark.
“You are so stubborn.” Lottie whispered breathlessly. Her face was inches away from Nat’s, so close she could feel her breath on her lips. Nat wore a look of resentment.
“I fucking hate you, Lottie.” Nat seethed. She backed away, completely and undeniably livid. She waited for Lottie to say something. Anything. Her breath caught as she stepped forward. And then Lottie kissed her.
It took Nat five seconds to register and the next six months to process.
- Lottie’s lips were soft. Softer than any guy’s she'd ever kissed. Definitely softer than Gavin’s.
- She smelled amazing. Like lavender and fresh laundry and something so sweet it made Nat ache.
- Her thumb was running over Nat’s cheek, goosebumps forming where she touched.
- She had pomegranate chapstick on. It drove Nat insane.
- Nat could feel the heat radiating off Lottie’s body. Warmth was spreading up her neck like wildfire.
Five seconds. And then she kissed her back.
Her hands tugged on Lottie’s shirt, lifting up her jersey enough to hear her gasp slightly at the cool air hitting the bare skin of her waist. Lottie’s hand was gripping her jaw, in her hair, running down her neck.
She was everywhere. Lottie, Lottie, Lottie. Everywhere.
Nat’s hand slid up her stomach, skin pulsing beneath her fingertips. “Lottie.” Nat let the name tumble out of her lips, panting for breath.
“Fuck, I missed you.” Lottie gasped, kissing her harder.
Nat bit Lottie’s lip, desperately rooting herself in the feeling of her. Their bodies were pressed against each other, muscles tense, hands falling over skin. Lottie grasped at Nat’s hair, moving her other hand along her neck like she owned every inch of her body.
Heat thrummed between them, limbs tangling, lips fighting for control.
Lottie shook as she pulled back. “I hate you too, by the way.”
And she kissed her again.