lyin' eyes

Nat couldn’t catch a break. Between Jackie and Gavin, she already had her hands full of worn out drama. Lottie feeding into it all was no help. Which, Nat wasn’t actually sure that’s what she was doing. Lottie had turned around immediately after making eye contact. She was talking to the waitress behind the counter about the seasonal items on the menu.

Nat went through nearly half a million scenarios of what she would say or do if Lottie approached her. She forgot all of them by the time she actually slid down into the booth across.

“We have to stop meeting like this.” Nat could tell Lottie was trying to lighten the mood, and she didn’t know if she hated it or not. This switching up thing wasn’t a cute look. It felt dangerous. She didn’t respond.

The waitress came back around their table and slid two glasses onto the counter. One, chocolate, towards Nat. The other was vanilla and Lottie made a face when she took a sip. Why would she order vanilla if she knew she didn’t like it?

Nat felt like accepting Lottie’s shake was forgiving her for the shit she pulled at the party. Then again, free shake. She pulled it closer to her and leaned down to drink from her straw.

“How have you been?” Lottie asked after a few moments of silence.

“Can we not?” Nat didn’t lift her eyes.

“You are so…” Lottie shook her head and let out a sigh. She said the next part quieter, “Damn stubborn.”

“You have no right to judge me.”

“You don’t know what this guy is like, Nat.” Lottie said sternly.

“Why does it matter?” Nat groaned and shoved her empty glass towards the center of the table.

Lottie hesitated. “Because I care about you.”

Nat scrunched her face.

“I don’t need you to care about me. I don’t recall ever asking for your approval.”

There was an eerie silence for the next minute.

“Wanna go smoke?” Lottie offered, hands clasped together on the table.

“Fuck… Yeah, I do.” Nat was standing before Lottie even had time to process her response.

It was still chilly out, but for some reason Nat felt perfectly warm out in the open air. She watched Lottie balance on top of the curb, one foot in front of the other like she was walking on a beam. She was talking about soccer in between puffs from a joint, holding her hand out behind her to let Nat take it. Nat quietly watched from the level parking lot, Lottie walking back and forth while talking endlessly. She wasn’t thinking about Gavin, or Jackie, or school, or her future. Just giggling at the girl in front of her trying her best not to fall off the curb, joint limp between her teeth as she spoke.

When Lottie finally ran out of energy, and the weed made her skin tingle, she sat down on the curb.

“Come here.” She giggled, eyes half lidded. She patted the space on the curb next to her.

Nat sighed as she sat down, stretching her arms out in front of her.

“You…” Lottie trailed off. She laughed to herself and continued, “Deserve better than him.” Nat frowned.

“He’s really not all bad.”

“You’re just blinded by his fluffy hair and hazel-eyed eyes.”

“Hazel-eyed eyes?” Nat giggled. Lottie nodded. “Thank you for your concern. But I’m fine, really.” Nat lowered her head onto her knees, looking at the girl sideways. Lottie’s smile withered away.

“Can you come home with me?” She asked suddenly.

“What? Why?” Nat sat up.

“My parents are out of town. Again. It’s just super quiet and I don’t like it when it’s quiet.” She chewed on her cheek. “Please?”

Nat was caught off guard by her honesty. She cracked her knuckles and squinted to keep the rays of sunlight from getting in her eyes.

“Yeah, I can do that.” So the sunlight got in anyways.

…

Lottie’s house was massive. Movie-scene massive. It was like walking into a real estate ad, and a poor one at that. For the size of the house, it would seem like more people would live in it. It was empty, corners dragging in cold air. Lottie was right. It was scarily quiet here.

“Holy shit…” Nat looked around the front entrance. The ceiling was a lot higher than a ceiling should ever be, a chandelier dangling from the center. There was a ton of empty space. In Nat’s trailer every square inch was covered in something. Wrappers, bottles, cigarette butts, magazines, you name it. But here, it felt like a prison cell or hospital ward. Vacant. Still. Totally empty.

“You can leave your coat on the couch.” Lottie grabbed her water bottle off the marble countertop and chugged it for twenty seconds before gasping for breath. “God, that was amazing.” She handed Nat the bottle. She drank from it without hesitating.

“So is there anything fun to do around here?” Nat was still observing everything around her. It was like a different realm.

“Get wasted.” Lottie laughed. Nat could tell she was being serious.

“How often are your parents out of town?”

“About every month. Let’s go upstairs.” Lottie ran her hand along the staircase railing and looked back to watch Nat follow her up.

“My room.” She hummed, pushing past the door and making a show of the open space. Her room was also obscenely large. Her bedsheets were pink, which was just so painfully Lottie, and she had way too many pillows piled up on her mattress.

“Your room is like the size of my house.” Nat worked her way through the room, desk, closet, vanity, and then fell back on the bed. The sheets were silky. Fluffy pillows, blankets, heat from the vent flowing onto the bed. Nat almost fell asleep right then and there.

“Hey, keep it together, Scatorccio. I have something to show you.” Lottie yanked on the hem of Nat’s shirt and walked over to her desk. She picked up a picture frame and grinned stupidly at it. Nat sat up.

“What is that?”

“Look.” Lottie tossed the frame onto the bed where Nat grabbed it. She giggled the way a toddler does when they see a cute dog.

“I forgot about this.” Nat ran her thumb over the plastic cover of the photograph. Nat, Lottie, and Van. On the soccer field, sitting on that cold metal bench, smiling from ear to ear. It was Sophomore year. They were the only two girls at tryouts that Nat recognized. She was too shy to actually go up to either of them but Lottie had called them over to look at a butterfly near the track. 

There it was, at the center of the photo. A little blue-and-yellow Eastern Tiger Swallowtail. It was on the tip of Lottie’s finger. Nat felt something in her ache. Van was admiring the butterfly, eyes fixated on its wings. But Nat wasn’t looking at the butterfly. She was smiling at the girl next to her. Eyes soft with wonder. Her skin tingled as she read the photograph like a thousand-word essay. She couldn’t remember the last time she had been that happy.

“We were so little. Can you believe we’re halfway to being seniors?” Lottie studied the look on Nat’s face.

“Yeah…” Nat mumbled, words lost in the picture in front of her. She felt a hand on her shoulder.

Neither of them spoke. Nat looked at the picture, and Lottie looked at Nat. She watched her quietly, a warm hum in the pit of her stomach. They stayed like that for a bit before Nat asked Lottie what other old photos she had. They ended up flipping through old albums, giggling at stupid haircuts and baby photos. The sun set when they shut the last book closed.

They were both lying on their stomachs on Lottie’s bed, feet swinging in the air. Nat could feel the rhythm of Lottie’s laugh.

The morning after Nat woke up in Lottie’s bed she made up with Gavin over breakfast. Lottie didn’t talk to her for the next two weeks.

And that’s how it went. On the days Nat and Gavin fought, she was at Lottie’s. Smoking, drinking, watching TV, playing games, laughing on the couch, napping, talking at the kitchen counter. When the couple was on good terms, radio silence. Lottie wouldn’t even look at Nat. But of course she never noticed. She was too busy with Gavin anyways. 

…

The one Tuesday that Nat actually showed up to English was by far the worst forty-five minutes of her week. Besides Jackie being in that class, the teacher definitely had it out for Nat. Mrs. Kitter had started the year as unpleasant but quickly approached the range of sour bitch.

The blue pen at the top of her three-weeks-late essay read ‘see me after class’ and Nat had to physically will herself not to punch that hag right in the face. She waited for everyone to clear out of the room before approaching her desk.

“You wanted to talk to me?” Nat swallowed to keep her voice from shaking. Not the best in the world of confrontation.

Her teacher put her pen down and took off her glasses. Stupid smug looking bitch. Nat wanted to set the whole school on fire.

“You’re slacking Ms. Scatorccio.” Mrs. Kitter sighed and flipped a sheet of paper around for Nat to read.

“Twelve missing assignments, absent nearly every day for a month. Don’t get me started on the contraband.” Nat thought back to her joint falling out of her pocket. She tried not to burst out laughing.

“Are you listening? I need to speak with a parent or guardian.”

Nat glared.

“Oh my god good luck with that!”

Mrs. Kitter’s face was blank. “I’m not sure what you find so amusing about this. You continue on this path and it won’t be going in your favor.”

Nat rolled her eyes dramatically. “I don’t-”

“Linda?” Nat’s head snapped to the right. Of course this fool would call a teacher by her first name. Jackie was standing in the doorway, backpack hanging off of one shoulder.

“One moment.” “Natalie, I will see you after school for an hour for the remainder of this week. Then we will decide how to proceed. You’re dismissed.”

Nat didn’t respond. As she walked out of the class, Jackie poked her shoulder.

“I’ll get her to cut it down to a half hour.” Nat’s lips parted to say ‘thank you’ but it came out so hushed she was sure Jackie couldn’t make out the words. Jackie gave her a quick wink and kept walking.

Out of every class, English was the last one she would have guessed Jackie was any good at. Probably thanks to Shauna anyway. She didn’t question it. The rest of school was a breeze, especially after the three shots that pregamed Math.

When Nat got out of her last class of the day she headed right for Kevyn’s car. His seventh period was on the opposite side of school, so it always took him a little longer to get to the parking lot. She was propped up against the hood of his car when she saw them. Lottie and Jackie, arguing. Not to give herself any credit, but Nat genuinely thought she was the only one on the team that had ever fought with Lottie. She was sweet and knew when to keep to herself. So it came as a sort of a surprise to see her so worked up across from Jackie.

“HALF OFF PIZZA AT THE MALL!” Van had her arms out and she was yelling so loud the whole lot could hear.

“Oh my fucking god…” Nat rubbed her temples. She watched Lottie and Jackie realize Nat had been looking at them.

“Hey bitch.” Van tossed her backpack onto the hood beside Nat.

“You fucking idiot I was eavesdropping.” Nat shoved Van lightly.

“Oh shit on who?” Van whipped around and scanned the area. She hit Nat excitedly when she realized.

“Your girlfriends are fighting holy shit.” Nat wanted to die right there, on the hood of Kevyn’s car.

“Can you please go back to smoking indica.” Nat pleaded.

“God forbid a woman is a little hyper about pizza. What do you think they’re arguing about?”

Nat stared. “No idea.” Ok, she may have had a slight idea. She hoped it wasn’t what she thought it was, though.

…

Inevitably, it wasn’t very long before Gavin found out about Nat’s ordeal with Mrs. Kitter. Which meant she was back at Lottie’s again.

“Please, Mrs. Kitter is a shit teacher.” Lottie said between bites of her sandwich.

“I know. And he hasn’t even been in a high school class in years.” Nat was lying on the couch, watching Lottie eat at the kitchen counter.

“You should bring him in one day. Like a show-and-tell type of thing.” Lottie giggled to herself.

“The way your brain works is fascinating.”

“You love it.”

Nat rolled her eyes. She picked at the skin on her hands. She didn’t think about it much, but when she did she felt weird. Her and Lottie. They shouldn’t have worked. Honestly, some days they didn’t. But other times it was like total clockwork. A Friday afternoon, lying in a sunbeam on Lottie Matthews' perfectly pink bed. Laughing about highschool drama and memories of JV freshman tryouts. Smelling her sweet perfume and lavender shampoo. Nat looked at the girl in the kitchen.

“You know how you always say your house feels cold and empty?” Nat inquired.

“Mhm.” Lottie nodded, chewing slowly.

“I like it. It feels familiar. Even if it’s the hospital kind of familiar.”

Lottie smiled. “At least one of us likes it here.”

“A hell of a lot more than the Rutgers dorms.” Nat scoffed. Lottie set her sandwich down, smile fading.

“I will never understand what you see in him.”

“Honestly, sometimes I don’t either.”

“And that’s not enough incentive to break it off?”

“It’s complicated.” Nat sighed.

“I really don’t get that. He’s an asshole, nothing more.”

“That really isn’t for you to worry about, Lottie.” Nat propped herself up on her elbows. She stretched her legs out before standing up to get a glass of water.

“I just don’t like the way it makes you act sometimes.”

Nat stayed quiet, irritation starting to boil under her skin. She reached for a glass from the cabinet.

“I have to watch you torture yourself, you know.” Lottie pressed further. “You fight, you’re here, you make up, you’re gone. And you just keep making excuses.” Lottie let out a sincere sigh.

“Stop.” Nat’s voice had a sharpness to it that cut right through Lottie. “You’re crossing a line.” There was a beat of silence, filled only by the sound of water streaming into Nat’s cup.

“Fine. I guess he got one thing right. You need to take better care of yourself.” Lottie got up from her seat and took the glass of water from Nat’s hands. She took a sip.

“You make me fucking sick.” Nat growled lowly.

“I’m not gonna fight with you.” Lottie drank again. Her eyes were dark but still had that sickening sweetness swirling beneath her irises.

“You-” Nat set herself up to get defensive.

“Go, Nat. Just go.”

Nat let out a shaky breath. Her heart was pounding. When did that happen? There was sweat on the back of her neck, soaking into her shirt. Shit. She looked up at Lottie one last time before shivering slightly and grabbing her jacket. Lottie watched the door slam shut. Nat waited exactly six seconds before she began to cry. Why was everything so damn complicated?