Comfort
Nat could hold a grudge. She could hold a grudge against anyone she pleased and she could follow it to the ends of the earth. Yet the first time she saw Jackie again in the locker room, she acted as if nothing had happened. They hadn’t spoken, but they also hadn’t fought since their argument outside Tai’s house. The silence was a reflex of avoiding each other after last year.
Nat was in and out of the locker room in less than five minutes after every practice. The season was over, so practices were mostly drills and conditioning. The only person she spoke to for more than a few seconds was Van. Honestly, thank god for Van. She still didn’t have a car, so she needed rides from someone and Jeff refused to drive her now. Carpooling with Van and Tai wasn’t awful. They made googly eyes at each other and listened to shitty music, but they didn’t ask too many questions or ask her to put out her cigarette.
January came and went. The day before Valentine’s Day, Nat was in Gavin’s dorm, stretched out on his bed.
“I pictured the Rutgers dorms being a lot uglier than this.” She told him.
“Oh yeah? I like them.”
“They’re nice.”
Gavin paused before he spoke again.
“You know, you could go to college here. I know it’s a little early to be thinking about it, but you’re only a year and some from graduating.”
“You’re funny.”
“Nat, I’m serious.”
She sat up, back against the headboard of the bed. “Oh.”
“I mean, think about it. You’d be close to home.”
Nat felt the urge to explain to him that that was the absolute last thing she wanted.
“Gavin, I’m not going to college here.” She spoke softly, like she was afraid of offending him.
“Dude, come on. You’re not even considering it?”
“Can we not talk about this? Like you said, it’s early.” She scoffed.
“You’re being rude.”
“Oh, bite me.”
Gavin shifted his weight and looked her in the eye.
“You never think about your future.” He said suddenly. His tone was accusatory, like she had just threatened him.
“Excuse me?” She said, eyes wide in shock.
“You don’t. You’re throwing your life away. I’m not gonna watch you do that.”
“You are not entitled to tell me what to do with my life.” Nat’s voice shook.
“I’m worried about you. How many classes are you failing right now?”
“Holy shit, don’t worry about that.”
“You never take anything seriously, Natalie.” She flinched at the use of her full name and backed away.
“You’re a fucking asshole, you know that?” She got up and grabbed her coat.
“Nat-” He reached out to try and reason with her, but she pulled away.
“Don’t.” She growled, voice dripping with disdain.
Nat couldn’t go home, so she walked to the diner near campus and sat in a booth, alone. She fiddled with the straw of her milkshake. Her chest still shook when she exhaled, and her eyes stung. The absolute last thing she needed was Lottie Matthews waltzing in and seeing her there. But that was just her luck.
Nat caught her gaze and inhaled sharply, sniffling quietly. Lottie pursed her lips and weighed her options for all of three seconds. Nat watched her slide into the booth across, tossing her jacket onto the table.
“Hi.” Her voice came out soft and covered in honey. Nat sipped from her milkshake.
“Why are you here.” Nat meant it as a question but it came out thick and defensive. She might as well have tossed that shake right at her.
Lottie picked at her nail polish. “Was craving chocolate ice cream.” She mumbled.
Nat slid her glass across the table. In her mind she thought, I’m sorry for acting like a bitch.
Lottie swirled the straw around and drank. I overstepped. And we miss you.
They didn’t speak for three minutes.
“I got in a fight with Gavin.” Nat blurted out. Lottie raised a brow and looked at her quizzically.
“Yea, he um, he was being a dick to me about school.”
“He’s an idiot. His dad paid for him to get in.” Lottie shrugged. Nat felt a smile creep onto her lips.
“So, how’s Jackie?”
“Oh she’s…” Lottie gave up on the lie as she spoke. “She’s been pretty out of it. She and Shauna aren’t talking again.”
Nat sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. That useless fucking lesbian really couldn’t do anything. She smiled at the thought of Jackie trying to tell Jeff about Shauna. So dumb.
“Tai and Van were never this bad, were they?”
“Never.”
“Hey, remember when Van tried to learn how to play pool and she gave Tai a black eye?” Lottie giggled.
“And Van let her punch her in the face to get even.” Nat snickered. “Yeah, I remember.”
“I miss that smile.” Lottie said through laughter. She held the straw between her lips with a grin. Nat’s expression softened.
“I’m kind of tired of fighting.” Nat admitted, leaning her head back on the booth cushion.
“We’ll be fine by our senior season, right?”
“God, I hope so.” Nat stared at the tiles on the ceiling. She really, really, hoped so.
Nat let Lottie’s company fill the restaurant. She didn’t have the energy to throw up any walls. For once, she didn’t want arm's length. She knew she was vulnerable and alone and she shouldn’t be talking to Lottie like this but there was something in those big, brown eyes of hers that made Nat want to let her guard down. She wrinkled her nose and looked back at the girl across from her. A little bit of comfort was nice.
…
Valentine’s Day for Nat was waking up to flowers at her front door.
I suck and you’re right. Happy Valentine’s Day
- G
Nat smiled at the note and brought the bouquet inside. It was a shitty apology but still better than what she was used to.
Gavin picked her up at 7:00 and they went to this cozy bistro near his campus. They finished their food and walked around for an hour. It was finally starting to get a little warmer. The days a little longer.
Nat was surprisingly okay those days. She hadn’t given much thought to Jackie or the Yellowjackets. Practice was cut and dry. It sounded like limbo, but it was silence. Everyone was so wrapped up in their own shit that the social aspect of the team had plateaued, and Nat absolutely did not mind. She wished it could have stayed that way.
In late February, it was someone's birthday. Nat didn’t know whose, but it didn’t matter, because they had invited practically the whole grade to the party. It was the first time in a while the Yellowjackets would all turn up at the same place, and Nat couldn’t lie, she was nervous. The only person she had seen in the last two weeks was Van, and they would just get high and lounge around.
As she would any place, she brought Gavin along. It was a regular event to see him at WHS parties, despite the fact he was nearly three years older than everyone there. He only ran into his brother once, and then made it a point to avoid him as much as possible.
On the topic of avoidance, “You have literally one fucking job. You see her, tell me.” Gavin laughed but stopped when he realized just how serious Nat was being.
“Yes ma’am.” He saluted, tapping two fingers to his temple with a grin.
Nat wasn’t sure how to describe the nature of their relationship at that point. She would never actually say the word ‘boyfriend’ or hold his hand in public because she thought that was gross and unnecessary. But exactly as Jackie had accused her of, she did spend practically all her time with him. That was enough.
The week after Nat and Gavin had made up after their little spat, Lottie disappeared. She and Nat had second period together, and over the course of five days she was present for exactly one. It didn’t bother her all that much, but she was the only person who took consistent notes, and Nat kind of needed those.
This party was basically a reunion of Nat and everyone she hadn’t seen because of Gavin. The stuff of nightmares.
The air outside was thick, six different brands of cigarettes, two strains of weed, and regurgitated beer mixed to make a smell that strangely reminded Nat of home. She considered it to still be too cold for backyard parties, but the arms wrapped around her waist buzzed with familiar warmth that brought a smile to her lips.
“Oh, thank fuck.” Van ditched the group of girls she was talking to and made a straight shot towards Nat.
“Sophomores.” She mumbled, and dragged Nat by the hand away from Gavin. “You’re the first one here.” Van took a sip from her red solo cup and handed another to Nat. “Of the Yellowjackets, I mean.”
Nat nodded vacantly.
“You’re already high out of your mind, aren’t you?” Van squinted, then laughed. Nat’s skin hummed.
“Just a bit.”
“Good decision. If I have to take another hit out of Sally Marin’s apple bong, I’ll vomit.” Nat snorted and lifted her cup to her lips, feeling warm liquor slide down her throat. Van brought her the good stuff, thank god.
“Where’s Taissa?” Nat asked, scanning the lawn.
“Finishing up some homework. And where did yours run off to?”
“No idea. He’s a free spirit.”
There was a beat of silence.
“I kissed Jackie.” Nat blurted, her voice breaking over the sounds of a name she hadn’t said in weeks. Van’s eyebrows shot straight up.
“Shit, that didn’t last long. I wasn’t gonna tell anyone.” Nat sighed, smoothing her hair with her free hand.
“Ok. Wow. How did that happen?”
“Not important. I blew up at her because she kept trying to act like it was nothing, and I was worried she hated me or something and now she actually does hate me because I yelled at her.” Nat spoke in one fluent breath.
“I need another shot.” Van paced back towards an empty chair and sat down, exasperated. “Give me a minute to think.” Her tone sounded almost helpful, like she was waiting to magically conjure a solution to all of Nat’s problems in one swift moment.
“When was the last time you talked to her?”
“I haven’t. We had an argument and that was that.”
Van pursed her lips.
“Use your dumb stoner brain, please.” Nat begged, biting her nails anxiously.
“You’re not gonna like my dumb stoner suggestion.”
“Can I hear your dumb stoner suggestion?”
“Yeah. Talk to her, dumbass.” Nat made a mental note to never ask Van for advice ever again.
“Ok, no. I don’t even know how to approach her. I’m…” Nat paused. Van raised an eyebrow.
“I’m kind of scared of her right now.”
“Join the club.”
“Be helpful.”
“I was. Talk to her. Communicate. Ya know? The thing where you speak and she speaks and you’re friends again.”
“Again?” Nat mumbled in confusion.
“Just find her and deal with this. God, you people have no common sense.” Van threw back the rest of her drink.
“Oh, you’re funny if you think I’m approaching her.” Nat grunted, stretching out her legs.
“Cool.” Van stood up and tossed her cup to the side. “Hey, Jackie!” She yelled, waving her hands in the air. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Nat was gonna kill her if she ever made it out of this party alive.
“Bitch.” She whispered through gritted teeth.
“Well now she’s approaching you. You two have fun!” And Van, with her smug little smile, was gone.
Nat had never heard silence this loud in her life. Jackie didn’t even look mad or anything. But neither one wanted to speak. Jackie took the step.
“You are so beyond clueless. I hope you figure your shit out.”
Ouch. That was it? Nat didn’t know if she was supposed to feel angry or relieved. Neither. A little upset, maybe. What on earth did she even mean by that? Her shit was fine. It was figured out. She was fine. She had it together. What was beneath that tone? Sincerity? Nat’s mind was blank, with an expression to show for it. Jackie rolled her eyes in an incredibly dramatic fashion and waltzed right out of her view.
Nat’s head whipped around to a whistle.
“Been looking for you.” Gavin approached.
“Sorry.”
“You keep running away.” He wrapped an arm around her waist and smiled.
“Just soccer stuff.”
Gavin hummed and kissed Nat. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Lottie Matthews. Drunk and alone, nose slightly red from the cold. When Nat pulled away from Gavin, Lottie was gone.
The rest of the party was calm. Nat yelled at Van for a few minutes before she cooled off. Jackie had disappeared somewhere with Jeff. Tai and Shauna were laughing drunkenly at Laura Lee trying to wipe spilt alcohol off the kitchen counter. Seemed like everyone was getting along but her and Jackie. She tried not to think too much about it. Bottom line, she had survived another Yellowjackets gathering without causing any drama.
“Nat.”
Ok, she may have spoken a little too soon.
“Shit, hey.” Nat wiped rum off her chin with the palm of her hand.
“You’re blocking the trash can.” Lottie motioned towards the black bin behind her.
“Sorry.” Nat shuffled a few steps to the left to let Lottie pass. In the span of seven seconds, Lottie tossed an empty beer can into the bin before whispering something into Nat’s ear. She leaned in close, warm breath tickling Nat’s neck.
Nat could barely make out what she said. It was quiet, unsure, and a little uncomfortable.
“Jackie’s right.”
Nat flinched so hard she almost knocked a bottle of vodka over.
“What did you just say to me?” Nat threw both hands up defensively.
Beneath her idle expression, Nat could’ve sworn she saw Lottie wince.
“Clueless.” She made a gesture as if she were swallowing a pill. Nat scowled. Her stomach turned.
“You’re vile.” Nat crumpled her cup and shoved it into Lottie’s hands before storming away. She tried not to smile at the thought of catching Lottie off guard. She wasn’t sure of it until at least the next day, but Van recalled Lottie stumbling back a step in surprise.
…
School was getting unbearable. It felt like everyone had turned on Nat, except for Van. She was grateful for those peaceful moments underneath the bleachers, but she was growing resentful of the isolation. The past few months had been nothing short of dreadfully confusing, both Jackie and Lottie playing an on-and (mostly) -off game with her.
Even Gavin, her only reliable certainty, had begun to waver. They hadn’t fought in weeks until Nat had accidentally mentioned falling farther behind in English.
“God, do you care about anything?” He ran a hand through his hair in distress.
She couldn’t find it in herself to answer.
“Good. Yeah. Stay silent. Go ahead and prove my fucking point.” He spat.
She wished she could scream. She sat in silence like a guilty child, scratching at her nails until her fingertips bled.
When he stopped to draw in a breath, the room went still. She didn’t even wait for him to open his mouth again. The door was slamming shut in seconds.
There was no way for her to get home from the Rutgers dorms, so she found herself slipping into that diner booth, again.
Again.
Did this girl have a sixth fucking sense?
Dark brown hair shimmered in the March sun, soft eyes catching Nat’s as if on queue.
Shit.