lyin' eyes

No fucking way. Natalie Scatorccio had done many, many things while drunk/high/both. But she had never kissed a teammate. She didn’t even know her body could physically do that. She barely even tolerated any of them. And out of all of them, Jackie? Really? I mean sure, she and Jackie were kind of okay with each other now. But that certainly hadn’t always been true. After all that slutshaming bullshit Jackie put Nat through last year, she had a hard time believing she would kiss her. And an even harder time believing Jackie was okay with it. Saturday was possibly the most exhausting day Nat had ever lived through. It was a rush of how and why had she kissed Jackie Taylor, what happened with Gavin, and why does she have that stupid look on her face? “JACKIE.” Nat repeated.

“What do you mean I kissed you?” Nat was standing, feeling completely ridden of her hangover now that Jackie had felt it worth mentioning that they shared a kiss. Jackie was giggling, folding laundry and putting it into her closet. “What is so funny about this?”

“Nothing, nothing. Sorry.” Jackie tried her best to be sincere but ended up laughing again. “Nat what on earth did you take?”

“Is that really the question you have?”

“Yes… You were all over that college guy. He was pretty mad at you for spilling his secret, by the way.”

Nat blinked. “What happened last night Jackie?”

Jackie threw the last shirt into her closet and shut the door.

“Apparently you got super high, fucked Gavin Bates in Johnny Langley’s bathroom, told everyone he’s in college, he got mad, left, you totally trashed Mari in beer pong, ummm. Oh yeah. You told Lottie she should model- she thought that shit was hilarious- and then you told me I should model too. Then you kissed me, which was kind of weird, and I decided you needed to get some sleep, so Jeff drove us here. Shauna is in the kitchen making pancakes.” It almost gave her whiplash how fast Jackie glazed over the events. Nat needed to process what she was hearing. That headache sure came back quick. Why was Jackie acting like this was just another Friday night. 

Then she paused. 

Maybe because Jackie isn’t reading into anything. Maybe because she’s normal. Or whatever the Jackie Taylor version of normal is.

“I feel sick.” Nat groaned.

“Um, ok rude. I usually get a better reaction from people I’ve kissed but-”

“Please shut up Jackie.”

“You’re mean. I’m gonna go see if the pancakes are done.” Jackie walked out and Nat immediately collapsed onto the bed. The room would not stop spinning.

Nat wasn’t totally unfamiliar with the term “hangxiety” but this was surely the first time she had actually understood what it meant. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t remember a single thing from last night. 

She wanted so badly to go to Kevyn's house but she had no car and what she really needed first was a tall glass of water. She filed her thoughts away momentarily to go downstairs and get something to drink.

So much for that.

Nat’s nausea increased tenfold when she walked into the kitchen. She could feel the color drain from her face. It was the first thing she noticed when she walked in. She honestly felt kind of stupid for never having seen it before. She wouldn’t admit this to anyone for another few months, but she saw slivers of it as early as sophomore year. But standing there in the kitchen doorway, it all clicked at once.

Jackie and Shauna were in the kitchen laughing. Like a goddamned married couple. Shauna held a spoon of pancake batter out towards Jackie and cupped her face with one jaw as she licked some off. Guilt bubbled in Nat’s stomach. There she was, a room of three people, and it felt like Shauna and Jackie were the only two to exist on the entire planet. There was a look on Shauna’s face that was full of this aching resistance so genuine it nearly knocked the wind out of Nat. She wondered if Jackie could see it. Or if she was too stubborn to even realize. Nat had seen the pair fight, and make up, and stop talking, and start all over again. She had never once thought why. She wished so badly she hadn’t seen any of it. She wished she could be clueless the way Jackie was. For fucks sake she wished she could move out of this damn doorway.

Jesus christ she kissed a married woman.

Not really. But it felt that way.

She wondered why Jackie hadn’t gotten mad. Now it seemed less about her being normal and more about her denying herself the pleasure of being mad or confused about kissing another girl. Shoving Nat off and getting defensive was an admission of guilt. Jackie knew better. Maybe this was all a facade. Nat wanted to die. This was too loaded a scenario for a Saturday morning.

“Smells edible.” Was her choice of announcing her presence.

“Wow, thanks Nat.” Shauna deadpanned. She flipped a pancake on the stove and patted it down with the flat of the spoon.

“Hey,” Jackie said in between chews, “did Lottie get home okay?”

“Why, what happened?” Nat intervened.

Jackie and Shauna shared a look.

“Nothing.” Shauna said at the same time Jackie went “She was bad” which earned her a sharp nudge in the rib by Shauna's elbow.

“Bad, what do you mean bad?”

“I think she drank too much or something.” Jackie took another bite out of her pancake. She received a glare that burned holes through her from Shauna.

“You’re such a fucking snitch.” Shauna whispered, not even close to quiet enough. Nat didn’t respond.

“I think she’s a little mad about you and whats-his-face.” Jackie continued.

“You kinda stole him in all fairness.” Shauna added. Shit, Nat did not know about that. She felt like an asshole. She wished someone would have told her that.

“Oh.” Was all she managed to get out. It was dumb, because truly she didn’t need to care about Lottie Matthews' well-being for any reason. In her defense, she really had no idea.

“Don’t get too worked up about it. I’m sure sober Lottie is fine.” Jackie reasoned. She organized her fork and knife onto her clean plate before putting it in the sink.

“So what’s the deal with that guy anyways?” Shauna leaned against the counter and watched Nat grab a pancake with her hands. She took a bite. Jackie made a face.

“He’s nice.”

“Woah there Shakespeare, that description is almost too vivid.” Jackie laughed at herself.

“What more do you want me to say? I don’t remember all that much.”

“Was he a good kisser?” This time Shauna spoke.

“Uhh I think so.”

“Wow. It’s like I’m there.” Jackie chuckled. Nat threw a chunk of pancake at her head and smiled as it bounced off.

…

In the (dis)comfort of her own home, Nat was allowed to return to overthinking about the party. It wasn’t so much about kissing Jackie as it was about kissing a girl. Nat didn’t like girls. Not even platonically. They kind of sucked, especially with how often they treated her like shit. The Yellowjackets weren’t all that bad. Taissa could be stuck up and Laura Lee was the polar opposite of Nat, but the team still treated her with just a shred of respect. Enough for her to not really care what they thought.

But the girls at Wiskayok High School, they were something else. Nat could get used to the constant slutshaming and nasty looks. That was high school. The shit about her dad was unbearable though. Like anyone needs a reminder that their dad shot himself in front of them. 

Nat couldn’t even use being high as shit as an excuse. Drugs never made her do that. Jackie was pretty, and she could be nice if she was up for it. There wasn’t any real appeal though. It was like her mind threw shit at the wall to see what stuck. What her body was willing to do.

She couldn’t make sense of it. She hadn’t even really talked about it with Jackie. She was scared she’d throw words on her like acid. Accusations.

Nope. Too much thinking. She pulled a pair of headphones on and hit play on her walkman. Letting out a shaky sigh, she closed her eyes.

…

Nat didn’t see Gavin for another week. It was a Thursday night when they met again.

“Hey there stranger.”

“Stop talking to me like you just walked out of a romcom.” Nat took her jacket off and tossed it on the empty chair next to her. She didn’t really go out with people, but Gavin had offered to pay, and who was she to say no to free food?

“I talk like a chivalrous gentleman.”

“Douche. I want a milkshake.”

“Get a milkshake. The world is your oyster.” He said, fanning out a crisp twenty dollar bill. Nat snorted.

Nat hated how much she enjoyed his company. He was nice to talk to, which was rare in the guys she knew. She liked that he was a bit older and so sure of himself. The words ‘daddy issues’ flickered in her mind a couple of times but she shut them down. That was the first hangout of many.

They kept seeing each other after that.

They never ended up doing the whole “putting a label on it” thing. They hung around, talked, listened to music, walked together at night, got high, and made out. That was it. It was nice. But if you asked anyone else at WHS, they’d tell you they were dating. Without a doubt. Nat liked his hands. They were pale and rough, and whenever he touched her cheek she felt frost in his fingertips.

After the party she broke off from the team for a while. Besides always being out with Gavin, she really didn’t want to misstep with Jackie. It was like walking on eggshells. Outside of practice, she only hung out with Van and Tai once to get high under the bleachers.

Taissa hosted a Yellowjackets bonding night on their three day weekend in January. Her house was one of the nicest out of everyone on the team. When Nat walked in a comfy half hour late everyone was already seated in a circle in the center of the living room. Van was splayed out, legs kicked up on the couch and head resting on Taissas stomach. Laura Lee and Lottie were giggling at some magazine Tai’s mom had bought. Jackie, Shauna, and Mari were talking about next season.

Thirty seconds in and Nat was overwhelmed beyond belief. But she had promised Jackie she would show up to talk strategy.

“Shut up, that is so funny.” Out of Lottie’s mouth was the first thing Nat heard as she sat down beside Jackie. She was pointing at something on a page of the magazine and laughing. She felt a slight twinge of guilt in her stomach but shook it off. If Lottie didn’t bring it up, there was no reason to feel bad.

The next two hours were filled with soccer-talk and gossip. When Van wrapped up telling the group about some freshman breaking the sink in the boys bathroom, Jackie got a look in her eye that everyone knew meant trouble.

“Thoughts on some Never Have I Ever?” She looked around the room.

“Damn it Jackie you always suggest some dumb shit like this.” Shauna groaned, adjusting the pillow behind her to get comfortable.

“Awh come on, you know I love it.” She pleaded, pouting at Shauna.

“It’ll be fun!” Taissa agreed.

“You people live for drama.” Van made a silent gesture towards Jackie and Nat. Nat felt her cheeks burn pink. Of course Van was only talking about their petty arguments last year, but she couldn’t help but think back to the party.

Taissa flicked Van’s shoulder and sat up straight. “I’ll start.”

They went for a few rounds. Some highlights included: Everyone but Laura Lee putting a finger down when Mari played the “done drugs” card, Shauna shamefully admitting she had replaced someones shampoo with bleach, and the disgruntled groans that filled the room when Taissa and Van said they would spit gum in each others mouths.

The game started to wind down when it was Lotties turn. This was what the room looked like:

Jackie: 3 fingers up

Shauna: 1 finger up

Lottie: 4 fingers up

Tai: 2 fingers up

Van: 1 finger up

Nat: 1 finger up

Mari: 4 fingers up

Laura Lee: 8 fingers up

Between the three people with only one finger remaining, Nat knew Lottie would make a move to get someone out. She did not call the move being this.

“Never have I ever…” Lottie licked her lips. Her eyes shone under warm light, and a small smile spread onto her face as she locked eyes with Nat. Nat held her breath.

“Fucked a guy my teammate was talking to.”

Nat choked. She had to be kidding. Was that seriously necessary? She immediately let her hand fall into her lap and stared at Lottie in disbelief. Jackie instinctively touched Nat’s knee in reassurance. The remainder of the room exchanged glances, mostly the “oh shit she went there” kind.

“Christ, Lot.” Tai hissed.

Lottie’s face was dim, but she had this self assured look that made Nat’s blood boil.

“You little bitch.” Nat whispered through gritted teeth. It only egged Lottie on.

“Not surprised. Not many guys you haven’t gotten with.” The next part was lower. “Slut.”

Nat dug her nails into her skin, practically seething. She knew Lottie could be mean, but she didn’t expect her to be so blunt and confrontational.

The room was deathly quiet. Nat was breathing heavily.

“Fuck this.” She got up in one swift movement and left, slamming the door behind her. She was halfway down the road when Jackie caught up to her.

“Nat, stop.”

“What do you want Jackie? To fulfill that sick little savior complex of yours? Just go back inside.”

“Nat, please. She didn’t mean it, she's just having fun.”

“What a twisted way of having fun. I know what you guys say behind my back, okay? I don’t care.”

“Then come back inside.” Jackie pleaded.

“Stop worrying about me.”

“You know I can’t.”

Nat stopped.

“Why? Because I’m your teammate?”

“What? Yes because you’re my teammate, I’m your captain I have to-”

Words fell out of her mouth. She was sick of pushing past this. “I’m not your fucking girlfriend, Jackie.”

“Nat.”

“No. Seriously. Stop caring so much about what I do. Stop acting like it’s so normal that we kissed. I see the way you look at Shauna. Maybe you don’t realize it, but I do.”

“You don’t know anything about me.”

“Whatever.”

“You’re a coward.” Jackie bit at her. “You are. You’re a coward. You talk a big game about not caring what people think. But you can’t even look me in the eye anymore. We haven’t seen you in months. You’re with Gavin, or you’re with Kevyn, or you’re too high to even see the ball at your feet. You look like shit, Nat.”

Nat’s eyes pricked with tears. She didn’t need to hear any of this.

“Stop acting like this team is dispensable. Whether you like it or not, we’re your teammates. Stop shutting us out. You-” Jackie’s voice shook. “You keep searching for reasons to keep us at arms length.” 

“Get it the fuck together, Scatorccio.” Jackie turned before Nat could see the tears roll down her cheeks.

Nat stood idly in the cold. Her head was so full it ached. She couldn’t even rationalize a word she had said. She was bitter.

Gavin came to pick her up within twenty minutes. He bought her fries and listened to her talk about her teammates.

“Feel better?” He asked, smoothing his hand over her cheek. Her stomach swam and she locked eyes with him.

“Yeah.”

His hands were freezing.