lyin' eyes

Wiskayok got cold in November. Cold cold. The kind that had wind nipping at Nat's skin, gusts threatening to extinguish her cigarette. Four layers barely did anything to keep her body heat in, fingers turning red in just minutes outside.

It was a valid argument to tell Nat to just go inside considering it was fifth period and that's where she was supposed to be anyways, but she considered the buzz of nicotine to be far better company than the airheads in her English class. It was her Junior year, which supposedly meant she had to actually “try” at school for some pipe dream of going to college. College wasn’t for Nat though. She saw her future already, and it was this desaturated grasp at getting the hell out of New Jersey as fast as possible. Still didn’t mean college. It meant her, some beat down car, the open road, and whatever was out there. Unless something (or someone) gave her some reason to stay put anywhere, it was entirely her intention to be on the move 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Nat’s cigarette burned down to the filter, ash falling limp onto the concrete beneath the thick black soles of her shoes. She let out an exasperated sigh, pushing her bangs out of her eyes with the back of her wrist. She needed a haircut. She also needed a new pack of cigarettes, a will to live, and a reason as to why Jackie Taylor was approaching her when she was meant to be in class. Flicking the butt of her cigarette into the bushes, Nat pushed herself off the hood of Kevyn Tan's car. She glanced around, confirming that Jackie was in fact walking towards her.

“Hi Nat.” Jackie said casually, stopping a few feet in front of the car. The blonde stared idly.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in English?” Jackie asked when Nat didn’t return the greeting.

“Aren’t you supposed to be in English?” Nat returned, arms crossed. Jackie held in a laugh and mimicked Nat's body language. “I haven’t read any of the novel and Shauna told me Mrs. Kitter is cold-calling today.” Jackie replied.

There was a slow and quiet argument between the two of them, something about Nat’s performance during yesterday's practice. Jackie never actually said anything, but Nat could always tell when she was a little ticked off. It wasn’t that Jackie was non-confrontational: she just preferred to avoid the dramatics of a defensive Natalie Scatorccio. Regardless, Nat could understand exactly what Jackie wanted from her with just a few glances.

“Okay, team player. Teamwork makes the dreamwork, whatever.” Nat rolled her eyes and slumped back against the hood of the car. She caught a hint of a smile begin to tug on Jackie's face but she straightened her back and nodded instead. “Thanks.” And Jackie bounced away. Nothing like a pointless showy pep talk to keep the “good” vibes rolling. Sometimes she hated the shit her mind thought without thinking.

When Nat got inside her fingers were throbbing red, numb from the cold.

…

By the time practice actually rolled around the sun was shining and had warmed up the field to just a few degrees warmer than it had been earlier that day. Nat had no real intention of keeping her word and plastering on a fake smile in the locker room, but when she got out on the pitch she couldn’t help but grin. Soccer was arguably the one thing she actually liked, aside from music and any kind of substance she could get her hands on. There was something stupidly divine about the chemistry the Yellowjackets had on the field. Nat hated to admit it, but it was true. Something about this lineup worked and she wasn’t one to argue against it. That quiet buzzing that seemed to always occupy her mind suddenly dimmed whenever the ball was at her feet. The grass was damp and a cool layer of fog steamed over the hill behind the school.

Fridays were scrimmage days, which Natalie loved. It meant getting a break from repetitive drills and finally having some playing time. The ball glided seamlessly over the grass, Shauna to Nat, Nat to Jackie, Jackie back to Nat until that beautiful whooshing noise accompanied the ball at the back of the net. It took everything in her not to laugh at the wonder of it all. It felt so silly to be so excited over it, but she let a smile eclipse her face as Jackie came to pat her on the back. A sly wink made its way onto Jackie's expression and Nat choked back a giggle before jogging back to the center of the field.

The locker room was buzzing when the girls all filed in, talks of a party whizzing around locker doors opening and closing. “Hey.” Nat shut her locker and turned to face the voice beside her.

“Yes?”

“Umm.” Jackie looked at her feet. “Nice job on the pitch.” 

Nat suppressed a smile.

“Sure. Thanks.” She turned to walk out but felt Jackie's presence tug her backwards.

“You’ll be at Johnny's thing tonight?” It came out half question/half statement.

“Oh yes please!!!” Lottie tuned in to the conversation and jumped excitedly behind Jackie. Nat looked at the crowd developing around them.

“Nat you never hang with us!” Van whined, arms wrapped over Taissa’s neck. Nat felt eyes on her and a blush spread over her cheeks and ears as she weighed her options. Could she outrun everyone on the team if she had a three second head-start? Probably not. Shit.

“Yea, I’ll try and stop by.” Was all she managed to edge out before she swung her bag over her shoulder and headed for the door. Jackie hummed in approval, the rest of the girls resuming their conversation about what to wear and who to hook up with.

As soon as she was out of the locker room, Nat felt a weight lift off her shoulders. Sweat coated the back of her neck and she wiped it with the collar of her shirt. The Yellowjackets weren’t really the problem, but Nat could think of about a thousand better ways to spend her time than drinking cheap beer in Johnny Langley’s basement with a bunch of wannabes. Still, she was in a good mood after practice and figured she could make a little time to show some sliver of appreciation towards Jackie. It was better than starting unnecessary drama like last year. Turns out most teenage girls don’t like when you’re kind of a bitch to them. Nat should’ve assumed. She never liked it when her dad did it either.

The car ride home was Nat's favorite part of the day. She loved to watch the buildings flash by while listening to the radio. Without the cold biting at her skin, New Jersey could actually be kind of nice. Mostly in a morbid way. Everything was gray and bitter and void of life. But Nat found a bit of solace in it. Bitter and void of life wasn’t so far off from her anyways.

Finding something to wear to the party was a bit of an issue. Jackie told her not to dress like she just got back from someone's funeral, and she had to admit, it was kind of hard. Most of what she owned was monotone or something faded from bleach. She had to mentally hype herself up to put on one of her nicer shirts, an only lightly-smelling-of-cigarettes white tank top with a leather jacket thrown over it. She pushed a freshly gifted pack of camel blues into her jean pocket and shoved her zippo in next to it. She had a flask full of some shitty liquor her dad liked loaded in her jacket. She tugged on her bangs and sighed at the sight of her roots growing out. Not like there's anyone to impress.

…

Arriving at the party was a scene out of Nat's worst nightmare. It took her a good while to find someone she actually recognized and when she did it just had to be Lottie Matthews. All 5’10 of her. Good god that girl was tall. She was leaning against the wall in the living room, red solo cup in hand. She was laughing at something someone had said and every time she did her body shook, drops of beer sloshing around. Nat made a mental note to watch for the splash zone. When Lottie noticed Nat approaching she broke into a huge grin.

“Nat!” Lottie yelled, a little too loud, and pulled her into a hug. The party started what, half an hour ago? And she was already this drunk. Nat’s ears burned as she stepped out of Lottie’s drunken embrace. She prayed to god someone a little less drunk and bubbly would turn up soon. When she looked at her eyes, she could’ve sworn there was sunshine dancing in them. The sweetness made her sick.

“Hey there, burnout.” A low voice came from Nat's side and she had to stop herself from socking whoever was next to her in the face, hard.

“Knock it offfffff.” Lottie slurred, shoving the guy lightly. The guy. Oh yeah. Him? Nat tried to be discreet about whoever it was she was looking at.

“Like what you see?” He asked, instantly clocking Nat's gaze. She was sure now she needed something a little heavier than alcohol to get through this night. The guy in question was Gabe. Gabe? His name starts with a ‘G’. 

“Gavin.” He extended his hand towards Nat and she flinched slightly. Her arms remained at her sides.

“I need a drink.” She brushed past him and turned to find literally anyone else. Instead of heading for the kitchen, she strolled out past the threshold and into the yard. The cold air was a more than welcome distraction from just how badly she didn’t want to be there. She would wait for Jackie to say hi, and then leave. She positioned herself against the brick wall, watching her breath in the wind. Out of the corner of her eye she saw a hand, then a cigarette.

“I know it's not a drink but this is your shit, right?” Nat couldn’t help but laugh at the guy's offer. Marlboro lights. The first cigarette she had ever smoked. She stole one off her dad when she was nine. A light feeling of remorse rose in her throat and she coughed. Stupid thought.

“Thanks.” She grabbed the long white dart and placed it between her lips, leaning forward to let the guy light it for her. He cupped his hands around the tip to keep the wind at bay.

“Natal- Nat.” She said through a harsh inhale. She stared off into the trees past the yard. The guy lit his own cigarette.

“Good to know you have a name, Nat.” Gavin leaned back against the brick wall just as she had done. She could feel his eyes on her.

“Um… How do you know Lottie?” Nat kicked at the dirt beneath her feet awkwardly.

“Oh we just met tonight. I kind of have a secret.” He grinned.

“A secret?”

“Yes…” He turned to face her fully. “You have to promise you won’t tell.”

Nat felt a smile tug at her lips. She mouthed a quiet ‘ok’.

“I’m actually a Sophomore at Rutgers.” He chuckled and things suddenly made sense. Deep voice, something a bit thicker than stubble on his face. He didn’t go to school with them. Why had she recognized him?

“Gabe. I’m his older brother.” He assumed off of Nat’s expression. Ohh. Nat nodded and tapped her cigarette lightly to let the ash fall. Two boys with G names? Who were this freaks' parents?

“You don’t talk much, do you?” Gavin pulled the cigarette back up to his lips.

“Only to those who deserve it.” Nat stood up straight and flicked the butt of her cigarette into the grass. Her eyes suddenly widened. Gavin chuckled and enticed her with the flimsy plastic baggie he held in his hand.

“Wanna split?” He asked and Nat had already nabbed the bag out of his hand, fishing her fingers in. Hell, Nat didn’t even wait to find out what exactly the little white pill was. It was down with some liquor in seconds. Gavin followed.

Now that she had actually got a good look at him, Gavin wasn’t all that bad looking. He only had two inches over Lottie, but in all fairness she was model level height. His hair was this burnt brown that turned almost auburn (maybe chestnut?) in warm lighting. He had what she would have called “male manipulator eyes”. Hazel, more green than brown, and long lashes. Longer than a guy should have.

It only took about thirty minutes for what Nat realized was ecstasy to kick in. Suddenly this party wasn’t the worst thing in the world. When she checked herself out in the mirror her pupils were blown, but she figured she could blame that on the dim lighting. Gavin had an arm wrapped around her waist. College guys do work quick. At this point they were back in the living room talking to some Seniors. Jackie and the Yellowjackets had come and gone, probably all back in their respective cliques after saying hi for a few minutes. Nat spotted Shauna on her way to the bathroom, Gavin pulling her by the hand. She stopped for a brief moment.

“Oh shit hey Shauna.. Where’s Jackie?” Shauna looked up from her drink.

“Ran off with Jeff.” Shauna shrugged but her indifference was quickly replaced by a suggestive glance towards the man next to Nat. Nat rolled her eyes and kept walking. It truly wasn’t any of Shauna Shipman's business who Nat was getting with. She was halfway sure Shauna and Jackie had this weird love-triangle thing going on with Jeff anyways. She was pulled from her thoughts- literally- when Gavin hoisted her onto the bathroom sink. He pulled her face closer and kissed her, a swirl of nicotine and whiskey on his tongue. His hands ran along her stomach and thighs, gripping at skin. The door swung open and they broke apart to watch silently as Van and Taissa drunkenly fell into the bathroom. Nat’s hand flew to her face to stifle a laugh as Taissa began to apologize profusely before picking Van off the floor and falling back out of the room. Gavin turned back and smiled at her. Fuck it, she could get used to this. And she kissed him again.

…

Nat didn’t get hangovers. No, seriously. So of course it was an unpleasant surprise when she woke up Saturday morning with a raging headache and a pit in her stomach. The room was dim and still somehow hurt her eyes. The room? This wasn’t her room. Nat fumbled around in the dark, searching for a light switch.

“Shit Nat, you look stupid.” Jackie giggled, flipping the lamp on. Nat jumped out of the bed with a low yelp. “Somebody had a fun night.” Jackie plopped a laundry basket down beside her bed, flipping through her clothes.

“What? What do you mean?” Nat asked, squinting still.

“So you really don’t remember?” Jackie asked, tossing her one of Shauna's shirts to change into. Nat responded with a groan.

“Nat, you kissed me.”