I Love You More
Sirius stumbled through the fireplace, wild eyes searching the room for Remus. When he finally saw him, Remus was slumped in a chair, face streaked with tears and rubbing his eyes frantically.
“Remus? Are you okay?” He asks tentatively.
“N-no.” Remus hiccups in response.
Sirius doesn’t hesitate. “Oh, mate, come here.” he says, opening his arms wide.
Remus stands and stumbles forward, collapsing into Sirius’s arms and weeping into his shoulder.
“It hurts Pads,” Remus chokes out between sobs, “It hurts so, so much.”
“I know mate.” Sirius tells him, rubbing his boyfriend’s back gently. “I’ve got you.”
“I love you.” Remus sniffles. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry, love. It’s not your fault.”
“I know, but it hurts you. That I can’t see you.”
Sirius didn’t know how to respond, so he just squeezes Remus tighter.
“Maybe it does, Moony, but that’s okay. I need you to take care of yourself, and I will help, no matter what. Even if you can’t see me.”
Remus trembled in his arms. “Th-thank y-you.”
“Love you.” Sirius whispered. “I love you so, so much, Moony.”
“I love you more.” Remus mutters.
“Impossible.” Sirius smirks.
They stand like that for another few minutes, Remus trembling in Sirius’s arms, and Professor McGonagall watching silently.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Sirius asks finally.
“There’s not much to say.” Remus whispers.
“You said it hurts? Is there any way I can help relieve that?”
“I don’t think so. It… it hurts… but not physically… at least I don’t think it does.” Remus mutters.
“How so?”
“When it comes back it’s like… I’m missing something. Like a puzzle except you can only find the edge pieces. It’s like… y’know the panic attacks we get sometimes?”
Sirius nods slowly, trying to understand.
“It’s like that. I don’t know where I am, and it just…” He pauses, voice trembling, “takes over. It’s like the imperius curse; there’s a voice in my head telling me what to do and say, and… well, obviously it’s not really me, but it’s like I’m a ghost, just floating above my body.” He inhales shakily, “Watching everything, except I can’t quite find names and places in my head. The younger me is in my head, and it takes control. Whenever I try to fight it, to get back in my body, it fights back, and I can’t control it.” Tears begin to streak down his face again, “And Sirius, it hurts when I get into my body. It’s like being wrapped in silver a hundred times over, and I can’t get out. So sometimes… I think that I should just stop fighting. Stop trying to come back.”
“No.” Sirius interjects, “Moony, keep fighting. I know it hurts, but you have to keep fighting. If you don’t come back… I don’t know what I’ll do without you. We’ll help. We’re going to go to the library and read and read about it and I’ll interrogate Regulus and we’ll do everything we can to help.”
“Okay.” Remus sniffles. “I love -”
Sirius feels him freeze and hears him grunt, as if he’s fighting against something. And just like that, young Remus is back.