all my elegies eulogize me

The Quidditch pitch made a good place to simply get away from everyone. Regulus was sitting, back resting against one of the tall poles holding up the hoops. Normally the pitch was full of students, loudly cheering the teams on as they played, bludgers and quaffles flying through the air at absurd speeds. But in the early October moonlight, stars twinkling above the empty stands, it was peaceful and calm. The perfect place to simply get away from everything and everyone. The chill of the air made Regulus’ cheeks pink, tousling his hair as it blew by. He sighed softly, turning the page of the book he held in his hands. The Slytherin had always known solidarity; he was used to being isolated from everyone, normally by his parents. But when he was able to make the decision to isolate himself, to hide away from the hustle and bustle of the school and his friends, he always enjoyed it.

James, as lovely and sweet as he was, was beginning to make Regulus feel overwhelmed, and he needed a minute to breathe. To be alone. That’s not to say that James’ concern wasn’t warranted. As they grew closer and closer to the winter holidays, and with the looming threat of Walburga’s letter, it only made sense that James would worry about him more. But he practically never left Regulus’ side- any chance he had, he was right by Regulus, or watching him, or touching him in some way when they were alone. At this point, he still had no idea what he and James were- boyfriends? Friends with benefits? Just friends? It was confusing, everything was overwhelming, and Merlin, he just wanted to be alone.

He shut the cover of his book, looking up at the stars above him. Reaching into the pocket of his robes, he pulled out a pack of smokes and his wand. He pulled one of the smokes out of the packaging, muttering a small Incendio charm to light it. Placing the smoke between his lips, he inhaled slowly, letting the smoke fill his lungs. He knew Sirius wouldn’t approve of him doing this, but in that moment, he truly couldn’t give a shit.

Regulus sat, smoking a cigarette, staring at the stars above him for longer than he cared to admit. He had nearly finished his third cigarette when he heard rapid footsteps approaching him, and someone breathing heavily. He turned around and saw James, running towards him in his pajamas and a t-shirt, a panicked look in his eyes. “Reg!” James exclaimed, coming to a halt when he got close to the other boy. Regulus quickly stuffed the package of smokes into his pocket, standing up and grabbing his book. 

“James, what are you doing out here?” Regulus asked, reaching out to grab James’ hand.

“What am I doing out here? What are you doing out here!” James snapped, grabbing Regulus’ hand tightly. “I was looking on the map and you weren’t in your dorms, and when I saw you were out here, I thought she had gotten to you.” James said, eyes welling up with tears. Regulus sighed softly, running his fingers through his hair.

“Jamie, we need to talk about how much you’re stressing yourself out over this. I get that you’re nervous; fuck , James, I’m scared shitless,” He said, laughing dryly. “But Merlin, James, I need time to be alone. I can’t be around people constantly, and you need to stop stressing yourself out to the point of stalking me on the map and running out to the Quidditch pitch in your slippers because you’re scared.” Regulus said. “You’re exhausting yourself. Please, just trust me, I can take care of myself. I promise.” Regulus said slowly, letting his book drop onto the grass. He reached out and pulled James close, hugging him tightly.

James wrapped his arms around the smaller boy, the tears in his eyes falling down his cheeks as he blinked. “I can’t lose you, Reg,” He said quietly, his voice breaking. “I can’t let her get you. I can’t let you go.” He whispered, running his fingers through Regulus’ hair.

“I know, Jamie,” Regulus whispered back. James pulled away from the hug, staring into Regulus’ tired silver eyes. “This may be a shit time to ask, but I think I might explode if I don’t ask you to be my boyfriend right now.” James whispered, laughing softly. Regulus grinned, using his thumb to wipe away the tears on James’ tanned cheek.

“You’re an idiot,” Regulus said back. “But yeah. I’ll be your boyfriend, James.”

James smiled and captured Regulus’ lips in a kiss. “Thank Merlin, because even though I know you won’t leave, my brain kept thinking I was gonna let you slip away.” He said. Regulus giggled and carded his fingers through James’ messy hair.

“Alright, let’s get you back to the Gryffindor dorms, okay?” Regulus said, bending down to pick his book up off the ground. James nodded, yawning. He grabbed Regulus’ hand, intertwining their fingers together, and beginning the walk back to the castle in the distance.

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Regulus never enjoyed Halloween. Pretending to be scary and intimidating was normal for his family, so they were never allowed to celebrate it as children. That, and it was deemed to be a Muggle activity, so that fact did not work in their favor. When he came to Hogwarts, he was surprised to see just how seriously Slytherin took their Halloween parties. He’d been to the parties every year since he arrived, and though he never enjoyed them, he knew he had a certain reputation to uphold. If he didn’t go, it would go directly back to his mother, and she would lose her mind more than she already had. Even though he knew he didn’t have to please her, it was ingrained in him. So, though he never really dressed up, he always ended up going.

This year was no different. Though James and Sirius had begged him to go to the Gryffindor party, he had opted to just stay with the Slytherins. The Gryffindor parties were just…too much for him. Very loud, very drunk. The Slytherins weren’t any better, but at least they weren’t standing on tables and doing body shots like the others. Regulus was standing in a corner, the glass in his hand charmed to refill with Firewhiskey as soon as it emptied. There was pounding music, flashing lights, and so… so many people. Regulus grimaced, taking a drink from his cup. There was some random girl standing next to him, trying her hardest to flirt with him even though he could not look more uninterested in her. She pushed her chest out, exposing the cleavage of her low-cut costume, trying to get him to pay attention to her. Regulus simply nodded along with what she was saying, moving away whenever she would try to touch him.

Though he was trying to stay as hidden as possible, he could tell that Severus Snape and Barty Crouch Jr. were eyeing him from across the room. He groaned as he took another long drink of Firewhiskey, feeling the alcohol warm his belly, desperately wishing that they would leave him alone. Eventually, the girl caught onto the fact that he was uninterested and left him alone, leaving him available for Snape and Crouch to drag him out of the dorms and into the hallway. He spilled his drink on the way out, the auburn liquid covering the polished stone flooring. The two Slytherins threw Regulus onto the ground, letting the glass in his hand fall to the floor and shatter next to him.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the filthy fuckin’ blood traitor,” Barty sneered, and Regulus rolled his eyes. “Piss off, Barty,” Regulus said, trying to stand back up. The heavy boot of Barty kicked him in the chest, forcing him back down onto the hard stone ground. 

“You think you’re getting off easy, huh? Absolutely not, traitor ,” Barty snapped. Severus simply smirked, standing off to the side of the boy next to him.

“I heard from a little birdie that our crowned Prince of Slytherin won’t be getting the dark mark. Is that true, Black?” Snape asked, pointing his wand down at the boy below him. Regulus scoffed. “So fucking what? I don’t want to join your group of blood supremacists anyways.” Regulus said. He quickly stood up and tried to push past the two boys, but was abruptly stopped by Barty’s fist colliding with his jaw, sending him flying back onto the floor, glass penetrating the skin on his hand and arm. He groaned, reaching up to hold his jaw, as the taste of blood slowly filled his mouth. Barty laughed loudly, reaching down and grabbing Regulus by the collar of his shirt.

“You’re no better than your traitor of an older brother,” Barty sneered, before his fist connected with Regulus’ face and he was sent flying backwards once again. “You’re just a filthy fuckin’ coward , Black. Hopefully that knocked some bloody sense into you.” Barty sneered, before following Snape back into the Slytherin dorms.

Regulus laid flat on the ground, blood spilling from the cut on his lip and from his nose profusely. He laid there for a few moments, groaning in pain as he considered what they were saying. He knew they were wrong, that they were on the wrong side of this war, but that didn’t make hearing them call him a filthy traitor hurt any less. He had spent years with these people- hell, at one point he even considered Barty Crouch Jr. a friend . But those days had come and gone, and Regulus was left to pick himself up and limp his way to the hospital wing, sending silent prayers to whatever omnipotent being was listening, so that he wouldn't run into any of the Marauders.

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James was starting to get worried. Regulus hadn’t been at any meals for the past two days. On November 1st, it wasn’t uncommon for most students to be in their dorms nursing headaches for breakfast. But by the end of the day, most of the students had recovered enough to make their way to the great hall and eat.

Regulus was not part of that group. And that terrified James.

On the third day that Regulus was absent, James had grown far too impatient to wait any longer. “Alright, I’m sick of waiting. I don’t know what’s happened to Reg, but I’m grabbing the cloak and sneaking into the Slytherin dorms.” James announced, standing up from his spot on the couch in the common room. Sirius immediately stood up as well. “Well if you’re going, I’m going too. He’s my baby brother, I need to know if he’s okay.” Sirius said. Remus groaned. “Guys, can you calm down for just a fucking second? James, this is the second time today you’ve done that,” He said, and Sirius turned to him with a shocked expression on his face.

“You snuck into the Slytherin dorms. Without me. To find my baby brother?” Sirius asked, and James shrugged. “I just wanted to know if he was okay, and you were in class. So I snuck in with the cloak and he wasn’t there.” He said.

“So, James , if he wasn’t there earlier, and he hasn’t been in any of his classes or at any of the meals, where else could he be?” Remus asked. Sirius furrowed his brow, looking down at the floor as he thought.

Finally, Peter piped up. “I think Remus is trying to tell you to look at the map.” He said, and James immediately reached for the piece of parchment. “Remus, Peter, you’re both geniuses.” He exclaimed, using his wand to open the map. He quickly searched for Regulus’ name, before finding him in the hospital wing. James and Sirius made eye contact for a few moments before dropping the map, climbing under the invisibility cloak, and quickly making their way to the hospital wing.

Regulus sat on the uncomfortably flat mattress, Madame Pomfrey sat next to him as she changed his bandages. When he had arrived, he had two broken ribs, a broken nose, a split lip, a concussion, bruises all over his face, and a black eye forming. He was littered in cuts from where he had landed on the broken glass. A few hours after he arrived, she had healed his broken ribs and reset his broken nose, applying bandages to his lip and giving him potions for his concussion. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much she could do for the bruising other than let time heal it. Regulus flinched as she applied the antiseptic to his cuts. “I’m sorry, dearie, it shouldn’t be but a moment more.” She apologized.

Regulus smiled weakly. “Thank you, Madame Pomfrey. I appreciate this a lot.” He said softly. She smiled at him, eyes full of concern at his state. “You know,” She said. “Minerva told me about what happened over the summer. You did a very brave thing then, my dear,” She said softly. Regulus looked down at his hand, eyes traveling over the cuts littering it. “Thank you. Madame Pomfrey,” He said quietly. Madame Pomfrey finished wrapping up his arm where the worst of the cuts were, giving him another smile and a small vial of pain reliever, before closing the bed’s curtains and leaving the wing for the night.

As his silver eyes looked at the cuts on his hand, he couldn’t help the tears that welled up in his eyes. Was he brave? Was leaving behind everything he ever knew, both good and bad, the brave thing to do? Or was he a coward like Barty said he was, leaving behind the legacy his parents had built up for him? His brain was too exhausted to figure it out. Regulus slumped back carefully onto the bed, desperately willing his brain to let him fall asleep.

His silence was short, though, as a few moments after Madame Pomfrey had left, the curtains on his bed were flung open, revealing James and Sirius standing there. Regulus grimaced, his head falling back against the pillow. “Fuck,” He muttered.

“Reggie,” Sirius said quietly, reaching out to carefully grab Regulus’ good hand. “Merlin, who did this to you?” He whispered. Regulus shook his head slowly. “Siri, I’m fine, I promise.” He said.

“Like fucking hell you are,” James piped up, moving to stand on the opposite side of the bed. “Regulus, what the fuck happened to you?” He asked.

Regulus sighed. “I got my arse kicked, clearly .” He muttered.

“Well we can see that much,” Sirius said. “Who did this to you?”

“Sirius-”

“Regulus, please . Who fucking hurt you?” Sirius asked.

Regulus stared into Sirius’ silver eyes, the ones that mirrored his own so closely. They were full of so many emotions- rage, concern, fear. They made Regulus feel guilty for not wanting to tell him who hurt him. “Fuck, Sirius, alright,” He relented. “At the Slytherin Halloween party, I got my ass kicked by Barty and Snape after a girl who was flirting with me left me alone. Barty called me a few names, Snape did nothing but stand there and leer at me per usual, and now I’m here.” He said.

“They clearly did a lot more than just call you a few names, Reg,” James said, running his fingers through his hair. “You’re sitting in the bloody hospital wing, arm covered in bandages, with a split lip and a fucking black eye,” He said. “You’re not telling us the whole truth. Please, Regulus. I’ve… we’ve been worrying ourselves sick the past few days.”

“You both know that if I tell you everything that happened, you’ll end up with a month’s worth of detentions,” Regulus said.

“And it wouldn’t fucking matter, Reg! No one lays a hand on you like that. Not as long as I’m here.” James said, staring down at his boyfriend. “Not as long as we’re here.”

Regulus sighed, pulling his uninjured hand out of Sirius’ grasp to run it through his hair. “They called me a traitor. And a coward. For not getting the mark.” He said. “I tried to fight back, but Barty clocked me right in the jaw. I had dropped my glass on the ground when he pushed me down the first time, so when he hit me, I fell straight into it.”

“He called me a traitor, said that I was no better than Sirius, and hit me again. Then he said he hoped they knocked some sense into me, before leaving me there to bleed out,” Regulus finished, his vision blurred with tears. “There. That’s the story.”

James was absolutely seething, but before he could go do anything about it, Sirius was up and out of the hospital wing. Regulus groaned, covering his eyes with his hand. “That bloody idiot is going to get himself expelled at this rate,” He muttered. James breathed in deeply before walking to the other side of the bed and sitting down on the edge, reaching out to hold Regulus’ uninjured hand.

“I’m sorry I got mad,” James said. “I know you hate it when people say this, but Merlin, you are just as stubborn as your brother.”

Regulus laughed dryly. “Yeah,” He said quietly. “I guess I am.”

“What other injuries did you get other than the ones I can see?” James asked.

Regulus thought for a moment. “Uh,” Regulus said. “Two broken ribs, a broken nose, bruises all over, concussion, split lip, and a fuck ton of cuts.” He said. James nodded.

James reached out and carefully brushed away the tears that had fallen down Regulus’ bruised cheek, trying his hardest to not hurt his boyfriend. “I hate seeing you like this. When you first showed up at my house over the summer, I could barely look at you,” James said.

Regulus gave his boyfriend a small smile. “I can still barely look at myself.” He said. “Bloody scars remind me of that wench every time I see them.”

“Well, like I’ve said before, I think they make you look hot,” He teased, making Regulus blush bright red.

“You’ve got to stop before Sirius shows back up.” Regulus said.

James grinned, pushing his glasses up on his nose. “So,” He started. “You mentioned a girl flirting with you at the party?” He inquired.

Regulus snorted, rolling his eyes. “I did. Took her forty bloody minutes to realize I wasn’t interested in her. Though, looking back on it, I probably should have flirted back. Not because I have any interest, but because maybe I wouldn’t have gotten my arse kicked if I had.” He joked, laughing as much as he could.

James laughed. “My boyfriend, such a flirt.” James teased.

“Oh yeah, I’m such a playboy in the Slytherin house.” Regulus laughed along with him.

From outside the hospital wing, the two boys could hear Minerva McGonagall speaking to a student. “While I agree that what they did was unacceptable, you cannot go around hexing other students, Mr. Black!” She exclaimed. “But Professor, they put another student in the bloody hospital wing!”

“Mind your language, Mr. Black. As for you, Mr. Crouch, seventy points from Slytherin and a month’s worth of detention for endangering a student. And Mr. Black, 15 points from Gryffindor and a week of detention for wrongful use of hexes outside of school hours.” Minerva said, before turning on her heel and swiftly leaving.

All James and Regulus could do was smile as Sirius walked in, a nasty bruise on his jawline, and the brightest smile on his face. “ Totally worth the detentions.” He said confidently.

While Barty and Snape might think that Regulus was a coward for leaving, Regulus frankly didn’t care. They could call him a traitor, a coward, and every other name in the book as much as they wanted. But he knew, deep down inside, that he had joined the right side of the fight, of the war, and of history. And while he sat in the hospital wing, on the frustratingly uncomfortable bed, with the rest of the Marauders filed in and sat around him, he felt that feeling bubble up in his chest. The one he was so unfamiliar with. Love. For the first time in his life, Regulus Black felt surrounded by love. It was warm, it swirled around his lungs and his brain and made him feel whole for the first time. Regulus watched as James held his smaller hand in his large one, a warm smile on his lips as he listened to Sirius tell the story of how he kicked Barty and Snape’s asses. Regulus smiled. He truly, and genuinely smiled. And he said silent prayer after silent prayer that this happiness, this joy, this peace wouldn’t be ripped away from him like it had been time and time before.