Try to Listen

He often spent the hours sat on the floorboards wondering what kind of life he would have had if things were different. If he escaped. If it was better. But then Regulus would glance at the wooden door that he would keep locked so they could not reach him, and remind himself that this was his setting. Always hiding behind fears and not willing to explore the possibility of freedom.

Black knew that he was too scared for anything truly ambitious. Knew that he could never reach for what he wanted, as the other half of him, the boy that pretended to help him, did not want to same. Regulus could see through the masks of people. He had years of practice. He could see the warning signs of someone leaving and would stay several steps ahead to make sure he didn’t increase the damages. But with James, he didn’t see it coming. He was more than pleased to live in the bliss of their time together, not ever considering that one day James would grow bored of him.

How could he grow tired? Regulus continued to wonder another day. He tried to give James what he thought he wanted. Space, comfort, advice, disagreement, admiration. All basic human feelings that were not difficult to distinguish between. Their relationship was some kind of unbalanced test, and Regulus would do nothing but mess up the results.

The pounding at the door began again.

“Get out here, boy. Stop being so weak for once.” His father screamed, beginning to kick at the corners of the frame to get the wood to splinter. Luckily it didn’t budge, so Regulus stayed seated on the ground with his back against the bed. Going over the ending at the lake and wanting to fix it.

He knows that he pushed James to break it off. But was that better than loving a lie? He was constantly conflicted between staying with someone who’s eyes fell on another because his need was too strong, or leaving all together.

Sat here now, is it clear for Regulus what the right answer is. But it is too late. James will go to her with relief that he removed the work. The person that wasn’t wanted, even by his own family.

Someone new knocks on the door, but it’s calm.

“Regulus, it’s me. Sirius.” The outsider whispers.

Regulus scrambles from the floor and runs towards the voice. “You can’t be here!” He panics, just wanting his brother to leave. His father would have only left the hallway moments before. 

“James told me.”

Regulus suddenly feels stupid for having a conversation through a door. He slowly unlocks it, and stands back to observe his brothers face. He looks… worried. An expression rare for Sirius when it is directed at Regulus.

“Told you what?” Regulus tries, hoping it’s something else.

“You know.” Sirius sighs. “Can i come in?”

“Fine.”

They stay stood up, staring at the other.

“You don’t look so good.” Sirius observes.

“I’m not sure what you expect of me.”

Sirius doesn’t reply, only glaring at his brothers face and wondering where it could have gotten better. But he is still not sure what he would have done differently.

Was it really their fault?

“Listen.” Sirius sits on the bed, running a hand through his knotted hair. “I don’t know what happened between you two. I can guess… to some extent. But all i know is that you must be in a pain. So i came to see you.”

“And since when have you cared when i have been in pain?” Regulus’ voice grows louder, not wanting his sympathy.

“I cared Regulus. It’s not like i can come visit when i ever i would like.”

“Of course not, because you left me!” Regulus finally reveals, like three words have held back so much of him for years. That he refuses to admit that his misses Sirius as he doesn’t care in return just like everybody else.

“I didn’t have a choice.” Sirius begs, looking up at him.

“Stop lying to me. You left me because you knew life would be better for yourself. Only yourself. You didn’t give a second thought about what you would be leaving behind.”

“This isn’t fair. Do not blame me just because James left you for Lily.”

Regulus snaps his shocked mouth shut, in disbelief that his brother would slap that in his face. It was information that he knew was true, but hearing it from someone else was making it reality. “Please. Don’t.” Is all he can form.

“I’m sorry, i didn’t mean that. I just hate that you blame everything on me. We were both meant to run. This isn’t all down to me.” Sirius defends.

“I couldn’t leave like you did. It’s never that easy.”

“It was for me. Because i forced myself to leave the people that treated us like shit. It’s like you are still waiting in this room for the time when they will become different people. Our parents are not going to change Regulus, and locking your room until it changes outside will never get you anywhere. You will never leave.”

“Maybe i don’t want to.” Regulus shrugs, wiping away a tear that has escaped.

“It seems that outside this room is crap as well. James left me, you fucking left me. What’s the point in going out there if it’s just as bad as this house?”

“It’s not. You will discover that there are people out there who are kind. Who will appreciate who you are and won’t care about who you used to be whilst locked up.”

“Ones like Remus?” Regulus questions, knowing it’s another part of his brothers life that he doesn’t know the truth about.

“Yes, like Remus. You know how many times he has told me i am worth nothing? That i don’t deserve love just because the people that raised me didn’t give me what they were supposed to? Not once. Because the world is not always evil Regulus. It’s about fighting through this darkness even when it appears too large to contain.”

“I don’t know how. Not without him.”

“James?”

Sirius thought it would be uncomfortable to talk about his best friend in this context, but all he could see was two people that cared for James. One that understands him, and one that is trying to forget him.

“Losing people can feel like the end of everything when you are in a small space. That these contained walls are the only thing keeping you safe now that they are gone. But there is more than them. You may think right now that there is nothing more important than having them back in your life, but if they gave up so easily on you, is that really someone you want around?”

“I just know i miss him constantly. Even if i know he won’t want me again.” Regulus admits, already imagining how their conversations would last for hours and how he won’t ever get the time back.

“And that might never change. You can only learn how to deal with it. To know when the hurt will come, and when to understand how to calm it down.“

Regulus doesn’t know if he wants the help, but at least Sirius hasn’t gone yet.

“You need to stop listening to what everyone else wants you to do and who to be. For once Regulus, try to listen to yourself. As you were born with you, and you will die with yourself as well. Sometimes even loves so great don’t deserve to be killing you.”

Regulus sits next to Sirius taking in his words. Hoping that it’s the truth, and that past that door there is more to his life than this. Than mourning over lost connection and possible endings. Regulus might die alone like he always suspected to, but he also might die with achievement he never would have believed to have fulfilled. Maybe death of love and life is not meant to be dreaded. Maybe it is supposed to be adsorbed, excepted into your bones as it lets your body know you were once alive. And Regulus wishes to forever feel alive. How others have described it to feel, or how ones briefly let it hit his skin.