distance, timing
James never intended to break a heart. He only wished to save one before it went too far. He had not realised how hard Regulus had fallen as he mostly thought it was one sided. He believed that moving on would make his entire body ache, but Regulus should be able to move on. That James would find a way to survive one way or another.
He will be okay. James continued to mumble as he paced his dorm. He repeatedly rubbed at his eyelids to forcefully stop his emotions that he promised beforehand to keep inside. This was meant to be a quick goodbye, nothing but a relationship that could be looked back on in the future with faint smiles. Nothing but two young boys that found escapism within each others presence. But James felt like his body was slowly shrinking as if his veins would soon explode with the thought of Regulus being so far away. That he would have returned to that house, those monsters. And James had pushed him towards the evil.
James places a palm on his chest in attempt to slow down his heart rate, but it only aches for the one who has now left it. A chest that was so used to the pressure of Regulus’ body as they fell asleep in each others comfort that it’s only reaction is to quicken in panic. Like a warning sign to turn back to that lake and make a difference choice.
Of course James had noticed Lily. He could not argue with Regulus’ words, even when he wished he could. But after years of pathetic pining, he got over the daydreaming. And he ended up with something better. He wanted to scream that it was only him, that he could never love anybody else. But Lily seemed less complicated in the moment. Whilst James was staring at Regulus’ despaired face, he thought back to Lily’s simple life, and the much easier life he would have if he chose her. Even if it wasn’t what his chest wanted. Lily offered a comfortable livelihood, like the smell of autumn and fresh what ifs. Whereas Regulus reminded James of winter, the violent ocean and the slim chances of a happy ending he desperately wanted.
James had a soul that wanted both.
Make a fucking decision. James had yelled at himself the morning of meeting Regulus at their spot. He could simply meet him and kiss him softly on their bench like he usually would, or he could let go. It seemed like too much was at stake when he was close to Regulus. He couldn’t trust himself.
James can admit that he was always protective of Regulus. During their commitment to each other, he found himself defending Regulus to other people. It became a reflex to steer away hate towards him, but others soon began to notice. And James didn’t know if he was ready to let other people into what he had with Regulus.
“And Regulus had the fucking nerve to demand my presence at the christmas dinner. He basically attacked me in the hallway earlier, demanding that i see our parents as he didn’t want to attend on his own. Pathetic.” Sirius grins whilst knocking his elbow into Remus’ side.
“I’m not sure that’s fair.” James objects, frowning at the harsh words against his own brother. “It’s not like he has a choice whether to go to those dinners or not. You get stay at mine for Christmas. Regulus doesn’t have that.”
“Whose side are you on?” Sirius questions, obviously surprised at James’ reaction. “My brother had as many chances as me to break from their hands.”
“We both know that’s not true.”
Remus doesn’t involve himself in the debate, only chews his many potatoes in observation.
James knew that it was risk defending Regulus to Sirius, and he knew they were best friends, but he refused to just sit there and let it happen. Not when he would visit Regulus later that day and make it known that they belonged to each other. James promised from the start of their union that he would not pick a brother. He would remain loyal to the friend, and to the something more.
Pacing the dorm now seemed like racing through time. James flicked through memories in his brain, different conversations about the future, Lily asking if he was still interested, Regulus pulling him in by his nape and stoking his hair. James no longer knew what he wanted. Didn’t know where to go next, where he would go once he left the room. But the challenge was solved for him.
“I promised myself that i would not meddle my way into this, but i can’t continue to sit in the common room knowing you are pacing up here like a crazy person.” Remus pants from the journey stairs.
He quickly notices James tear socked face. “Is everything okay?”
“Not really.” James shrugs, looking out the window behind him at the clear lake in the distance surrounded by yew trees.
“You can talk to me about anything.”
Remus will never forget how James accepted his and Sirius relationship, so he made a vow to always be there for James. He often put up a front of always being fine, when underneath he was rarely okay at all.
“It might seem confusing.” James looks back at Remus, wanting to finally talk about it properly. He only whispered the truth to Sirius last night, but it wasn’t the whole story.
“I have had my fair share of confusing.” Remus smiles, patting his shoulder trying to let James go on.
“i don’t really know what to feel. Or if i feel anything at all.” James cries, letting it all out.
“What do you mean?”
“You know what’s it like to lie about who you love.” James takes a deep breath. “I had no idea it hurt so bloody much.”
Remus only continues to listen, feeling sympathy for his friend that any one must go through this other than himself. It’s a kind of torture Remus wouldn’t wish on anyone.
“I never wanted to jeopardise my friendship with Sirius, but it just happened. I know how lowly he talks of Regulus, but i could never force myself to see him that way. And now i’m living with the consequences. I just feel so stupid for letting it get this far. I just assumed Regulus was bored so spent those left over hours with me, but it was like i was addicted. So lost in the way he spoke, how he understood me naturally, and i fucked it up.”
“Did you break it off?” Remus finally says.
Remus is not exactly surprised that James and Regulus were together. James always talked about him with such light that it was difficult to miss. And Remus used to catch them making out in the corridor occasionally late at night, but pretended he hadn’t noticed. He knew that James deserved all kinds of happiness.
“Yes. I couldn’t figure out what i wanted. I still don’t know. It’s like all the questions have mixed together in my head and i have no idea how to untangle them. After all, I have waited for Lily for years and she never cared. But when i was finally happy with someone, she notices me. I was scared of hurting people, so i removed everything.”
“Sounds familiar.” Remus nods. The last thing he wants is to give the impression that he is making it about himself, but he always finds these talks easier when he can compare them with his own experience. Remus can only hope that James knows him well enough to realise.
“With Sirius… i didn’t know what i was doing at first. But as it went on, sometimes the secret gives you time to discover all of each other. Maybe not having all eyes on you gives you the space to truly know one another. I can’t imagine losing him now, and i’m just so sorry that this is happening to you. Is there anything i can do to help?” Remus tries, not wanting to be useless to him.
“I don’t think so. But thank you Moony, you always have had a way at making people feel better.” James smiles subtlety, grateful for him.
Remus leaves the dorm acknowledging that James needs some time alone. But the silence only causes James’ thoughts to grow.
He’s gone, he gone, stop caring. This is your fault. You couldn’t work out what you wanted. You will probably never see Regulus again.
He’s never going to forgive you.
James used to pretend that he could communicate with Regulus telepathically. That he could form an apology in his mind and somehow it would reach him. James still believes that their souls are connected, even if he doesn’t know how their story will end.
Maybe they will be together again, maybe they won’t. But Regulus taught James about real love. What a true bond is like, and how being around a boy you love that deeply feels better than everything else.