Try to Listen

Regulus never felt important. Like a shadow that was made to be covered by someone else’s form. A brother, a son, a secret. Never just himself.

So when he began to feel these things for him, they weren’t welcome. Regulus wanted to lock them away. To stop the risk of causing more destruction and becoming more of an issue than he already was.

But Regulus soon discovered that these feelings couldn’t be hidden for much longer. He already felt like a traitor. To Sirius, to Hogwarts, to himself. Like an invader on the boy he used to know. That he was forced to bury. 

He would always stare too long, listen too intently, step too closely. Regulus blamed himself for letting it get too far, and refusing to let it end.

James became the only thing that made him feel alive in a life of death.

Like a single beam of light changing his entire perception. A small ray of sun managing to keep him breathing for a few more months. Even if it was behind closed doors, speaking words that would never be said in open air, it kept him walking. The overall possibility of him.

Regulus meets James at their usual bench. Cracked wood next to an open lake. The raining has stopped, and the sun arrives.

“Regulus.” James nods, nervously taking a seat.

Regulus notices the formality of his tone and movements. Appearing restrictive and like he’s being observed. “Is there something wrong?”

James doesn’t answer, only stares at the open blue, letting the winds disarray his curls.

“Answer me.” Regulus begs, wanting to reach for his open palms.

“I can’t see you anymore.”

Regulus lets the words sink into his skin, and begins to exam James’ face. Processing that he might never be allowed to touch it again. Memorising the bridge of his nose, and how his eyes lead into his eyebrows.

Regulus doesn’t say that he doesn’t understand. Because he does. He knows that it would always be temporary. That he wishes the months would lead to forever, but happiness can’t last long. Eventually the light has to dim.

“Is it her?” Regulus has to ask, tired of avoiding the truth for so long. “Be honest.” 

“No.” James replies quickly.

Regulus wasn’t blind. He could see the way James smiled when he talked to her. How he was practically floating after every interaction. Regulus knew he could never measure up, he just hoped he was enough. 

“Does she want to be with you?”

“No.”

”Because i get it. If something finally turned around and saw me, i would want to be with them too. She is beautiful.” 

“It’s not her.”

“Already tired of me then?”

“No, would you just try to listen Regulus?”James turns to face him, fighting the water in his red eyes. “It’s already gone on for too long.”

“And why do you get to make the decision for both of us?” Regulus’ voice begins to shake.

“Someone has to.” James rubs his eyelids, like he’s trying erase the truth.

“The least you could do is be honest with me.” Regulus fights, standing up from the bench.

“Fine.” James follows Regulus to the bank of the lake, prepared for accusations.

“You love her, and don’t know how to shake me.” Regulus yells, finding it torture to look at him. “Just say the words so i can walk away.” 

“I never wanted to shake you Regulus.” He tried to reach for his hand, but gets rejected.

There’s no point trying to bring together a love when it’s already snapped.

“It’s just that…” James searches for the words. “Sirius has started to notice how my face reacts when he talks about you. It’s like he’s disappointed. And he’s my best friend.”

“And what am I? Just a side piece that you can get rid of as soon as it’s discovered?”

“Of course not.” James sobs, stepping closer to him on the stones.

Regulus is tired. Tired of being treated like a second option. Loving people who can never return it or want to fight enough for him.

For people who are in love with others and refuse to admit it. 

Regulus has thought about Sirius frequently. The free life he gets to have. A life with James in it. Regulus never considered himself as a jealous person, but in that moment he had never wanted to be Sirius more. He still gets to stay around and hear his voice everyday. 

“You were never a side piece Regulus. I told you how i felt. It’s just too difficult.”

“I know it’s fucking difficult, but you standing in front of me saying you love me but wanting to leave me is so confusing. What do you want? Not Sirius, not Remus or god knows who.” Regulus take a deep breath. “For once in your life James, what do you want?”

“You know what i want”

”I don’t.”

“I want you.” James sobs, pulling Regulus into his arms. He grips his neck, letting his tears soak into his clothes. Regulus doesn’t fight it.

He knows it’s goodbye.

“But you know the consequences are too great if you have me.” Regulus whispers, stepping away from James’ comfort. “I want to say that i’m happy for you. She’s lucky.” 

“This is not about Lily.” James protests one final time, but Regulus is exhausted from the lies. He just has to accept one more loss.

Regulus remembers the first time it happened. Sirius was staying at James’ house for the summer as usual, and Regulus had to speak with him. Only Sirius was out with Remus for the day.

Regulus knocked on the Potter’s door covered in rain. His dark hair was plastered to his face, and he was shivering. James opened the door with surprise, but not hesitating to let him enter.

James asked what he was doing here, after he so rarely left the Black home. He had to speak to his brother, and wouldn’t make the trip if it wasn’t necessary.

“At least let me get you some fresh clothes.” James said before walking up the stairs. He never seemed afraid or defensive around Regulus. Even when he knew that he was a traitor and a fool, James always made time for him.

So he got warm, and stared at the photo frames on top of the fireplace. Sirius in some of the family photos, grinning and looking right at home.

Regulus knew that’s what a real home looked like. Warmth and acceptance. No pressure to become something you wanted to avoid. To be stripped of your own morals to make your parents happy.

James had returned with clothes and let him get dressed in private. Regulus ended up dressed in a plaid shirt and jeans, feeling completely out of himself.

“Sorry, it’s all we had.” James smiles, walking into the living room. “Are you warmer?”

“Yes.” Regulus nods.

“Sirius won’t be back for a few hours. But you can stay here for as long as you’d like.”

“Okay.” Regulus speaks. “Is he happy?”

“Who? Sirius?”

“Does he feel safe here?”

James’ eyebrows shoot up, and scratches his forehead. “uh… i certainly hope so. He seems glad to be here at least.”

That’s all Regulus needed to know. They sat on the couch for hours. Sirius never returned, but Regulus didn’t mind the waste of time. They talked about everything and nothing. And they kissed.

James didn’t even seem shocked. They both acknowledged that it seemed to have been the plan all along. With the warmth of the fire and easy conversation, it seemed inevitable.

Regulus’ plan was to beg Sirius to come home. He was tired of being alone, and wanted his brother. He didn’t want to be the only one left in that house. He wanted to say that they could fight their parents together. But he lost the nerve as quickly as it came. 

Standing at the lake, Regulus still doesn’t know what came over them that day. How the line had been crossed from mutuals to something more. He might never know.

Regulus wants to wipe away James’ tears, but he doesn’t understand his place anymore. Is he still allowed to meet him in the Gryffindor common room when everyone else is asleep? Is he still allowed to come to him when he’s afraid of the future? Will they still steal glances across the hall with the risk of exposure?

“You don’t want to explain, you just want to let go.” Regulus finally utters.

“I’m so sorry.” James whispers, sniffling from his tears. “I wish things were different.”

“Me too.” Regulus steps towards him and joins their lips. It’s brief, but enough to accept their love and farewell.

They step away from each other, stealing one last glance. Regulus knows there will be no more admiration from across a room, with anticipation for the night to come.

He knows that he has to listen to the ending.

“Goodbye, James.” Regulus turns away from him, the lake, and is heart.

He can feel it beating through his cloak, echoing through his body like an eternal ache. Knowing that the absence of the light won’t leave. That he will be left with the gap in chest until he draws his final breath.

As Regulus walks away, he knows that his final moments will be spent with the memories of James. With the relief that he experienced love after believing he was cold for so long.

That for a short while they were allowed to exist.