Peter Giggled

"Moooony," he said, "Mooonymooonymoooony."

Remus batted at him idly, more interested in his rather large textbook.

"Moony!" Sirius said with great insistence. "Look at me!"

"Shh," hissed Remus.

"Never!" Sirius declared loudly. "Look at my hat!"

"The unrelenting knowledge of Hogwarts, A History is more important than you right now."

"But look at me! Look at my hat!"

Remus reluctantly tore his eyes away from what must have been a riveting account of how Godric Gryffindor bewitched the ceiling of the Great Hall. "WHAT!" he shouted, as much as one Remus Lupin can shout.

"Don't you like it, Moony?" Sirius bounced a little on the table upon which he was sprawling, "I got it at a Muggle shop."

Remus blinked slowly. "What . . . is that?"

"A HAT, dumbarse!" Sirius smiled grinned amiably, "Isn't the colour great?"

Remus stammered for a few seconds, then regained his bearings, and with as much dignity as he could, replied, "It has bells, Sirius. Bells!"

"I know!" Sirius exclaimed, shaking his head enthusiastically. The bells tinkled happily, causing Remus to wrinkle his nose in distaste. Just as he was about to say something else about the atrocity, there was a loud bang behind him.

"YOU'LL NEVER CATCH MEEEEEEEEE!" A grey blur streaked through the room, screeching in a manner that indicated James. And of course, with James, Peter was never far behind.

"Wait . . . I . . . give it back . . . oh come on. . . . Hi Remus, Sirius. Nice hat."

As Peter stood panting in the middle of the room, James made a flying leap towards Sirius' head. "Brilliant," he proclaimed, tossing the hat in the air. Despite being an excellent Chaser, James was not very well coordinated on the ground, and the hat fell into the fireplace, where it promptly burst into flames. The hat gave a last tinkle of despair, and expired.

"JAMES POTTER YOU WANKING BERK I'LL KILL YOU FOR THAT," Sirius roared. He leapt up from the table and tackled James with a loud "OOMPH." Peter giggled hysterically as Sirius wrestled James to the ground, sat on his back, and forced him to sing "God Save the Queen" in falsetto as penance. Having finally released himself from Sirius' death grip, James stood and straightened his robes. "We," he announced, "have a plan."

Remus looked up from his book, larger and dustier than the one before it, asking skeptically, "What kind of plan? Does it involve glitter? Does it involve pumpkin juice? Will anything be contaminated with porridge?"

Sirius cackled gleefully, "No, even better!"

Peter shivered, and huddled closer to the sofa for comfort.

"Gather 'round, children, and you shall hear the midnight plans of Sirius revered."

Remus sighed a long-suffering sigh and buried his head in his book again.

---------------------------

The next morning at breakfast, Sirius could barely keep his juice down. He snorted, very inelegantly, into Remus's plate of eggs and murmured mumbled excitedly to James. Meanwhile, Remus buried his face in his hands.

"Honestly, you two, don't you think this is going a bit too far?" he whispered pitifully, "The singing rats were one thing, and the porridge bowl was another, but this is just appalling."

Sirius slung an arm about Remus' shoulders, "Mate, we're the Marauders and this is Snivelly! Besides, there's no such thing as 'going a bit too far.'" He beamed.

"There's no real need to worry," quipped James, "there's nothing incriminating about it, aside from the colour of your face. Almost matches your tie, really."

Peter giggled.

Just as Remus had resigned himself to impending doom, and had begun to dig into something other than spit-covered eggs, the Great Hall exploded in a flurry of feathers and the noise of flapping wings.

Sirius watched expectantly as two owls made their way directly to Snape's place, one burdened with a suspiciously heavy package, the other with a suspiciously red envelope. James grinned in glee at the expression on Snape's face. It was one of shock, horror, and mad confusion. The owl swooped and deposited the envelope into his porridge, where it began to smoke most unpleasantly. Despite the smoke, Snape's attention was fixed solely upon the rather large and heavy package that had landed on his lap in a most unfortunate place.

The howler, unattended by the distracted Snape, burst into flame, and a shrieking voice that sounded uncannily like Lucius Malfoy filled the hall. At the same instant, Snape tore into the heavy package. A cacophony of oddly strung together screeches joined Malfoy's voice as a veritable army of graying underwear soared out of the package, flapping around Snape's head and cawing loudly.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, SNAPE?" Malfoy's voice screamed, "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING WITH THE GOD DAMNED FUCKING SQUID LAST NIGHT? I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU'D CHOOSE TENTACLES OVER HOT PUREBLOODED MAN LOVIN'." At this, James burst into hysterical laughter.

Peter beamed proudly, "I was always rather good at impressions," he blushed.

"HONESTLY, THAT GREAT SLIMY BEAST IS NOTHING COMPARED TO ME. NOTHING! AND SPEAKING OF SLIMY, YOU LITTLE ARSE-BASTARD, YOU LEFT A LITTLE SOMETHING–" Here, Snape, looking utterly mortified, fled from the Hall, his flock of underwear in tow, brow-beating him merrily and cawing all the way.

The Great Hall was in an uproar. Students cheered. Teachers gaped in shock. Lucius Malfoy upended tables in a fury. And the Marauders congratulated one another heartily.

---------------------------

Back in the common room, Sirius danced joyfully about. "The Marauders have done it again!" he shouted, "We shall triumph over the WORLD!" With this stirring remark, he sprang off the table and landed squarely on James' just-finished transfiguration essay.

"Get out of that, Black!" James yelled, too engrossed in a swordfight with Peter to do anything, "I'll have your arse if you've smudged it!"

Sirius craned his head and inspected his ink-blotched bottom sorrowfully. "Sorry, arse. You're in the possession of James Potter now. Don't forget me when you've gone, and always remember that time you and I declared our undying love for each other. . . .

Remus sighed and said "Scourgify!" in Sirius' general direction. Sirius gave an exclamation of delight and bounded over to Remus, licking his face in appreciation.

"Oh, Moony, savior of bottoms and essays that belong to wrathful fellows like that great, ugly git over there–" At this, James gave a indignant shout– "How can I ever express my undying gratitude to you?"

Remus wrinkled his nose and shoved at Sirius' face, "You could – what is your tongue doing to my ear?"

Sirius smiled a great doggy smile and suddenly he was a dog, licking Remus' ear happily and slobbering over his shoulder.

"Sirius – agh – Sirius, if you don't get off me I'm going to have to stab you with my quill," Remus waved his quill threateningly at the great black dog that was now sprawling belly-up over his lap, "Where it hurts," he added.

The dog whimpered and became a rather naked Sirius, who pouted and said, "Moony! All I wanted was a belly rub!"

Remus gaped. "Where the hell are your clothes?"

Sirius looked around vaguely, then said, apparently unperturbed, "Good question. I've no idea."

From the other side of the room, there was a traumatized whimper as Peter covered his eyes with his hands. James took this opportunity to deal a final blow with his fake sword, declaring, "I win!"

"Sirius, I really am going to stab you if you don't get off and get some clothes on, you great, bloody poofter," Remus half-squinted and half-glared a little to the left of Sirius' head.

Sirius sulked, "There are people who would give their ears to have me lie naked on them, and all you do is threaten to stab me."

"Yes, well, this person's ears are full of dog slobber," Remus said, prodding Sirius in the belly with the quill, "Get off!"

Sirius whinged loudly once more, but after a particularly vicious stab from Remus' quill, he launched himself off the chair with elephantine grace, landing in an ungainly heap on the floor.

"James wouldn't mind if I sat on him naked, would you Prongs?" Sirius said loudly, still very naked.

"Oh no, don't drag me into this," James called from across the room. "I'm not getting involved in your sordid love affairs, Padfoot."

"But they're interesting sordid love affairs."

"Not when they involve you climbing all over Remus in the nude," said Peter, still looking thoroughly mortified. He clicked his tongue, "You two are disgusting."

"I had nothing to do with it!" cried Remus in indignation. "I was molested! Molested, I tell you! And speaking of disturbing, Sirius, go put some clothes on."

"No," said Sirius, "I'm enjoying the freedom." He stretched lazily on the carpet, grinning broadly.

Remus sighed, exasperated, and waved his wand "Accio, Sirius' clothes." There were a series of loud thumps before every item of clothing Sirius owned, including his shiniest and most embarrassing pair of Valentine's-print boxers, soared down the stairs towards Remus. Remus flicked his wand once more, and the clothes changed direction mid-air and landed in a tremendous heap atop Sirius.

Sputtering, Sirius clawed his way out of the pile. "Moony, you awful, terrible, evil, mean, unfeeling git!" James stifled a laugh behind his hand, causing Sirius to wheel around and glare at him. "What's so funny?" Sirius was absolutely livid.

"Your . . . head." James dissolved into uncontrolled laughter.

"My head's funny, is it? I'll show you funny!" Sirius went to leap at James.

"No, Sirius, it really is your head. Reach up." Remus interrupted, likely preventing Sirius from causing James great bodily harm.

Sirius reached up to touch his head, only to find that the very shiny, very red, very sparkly boxers were rested jauntily atop it. "Remus! This is not on."

Remus merely raised one eyebrow. "Looks better than that other hat did."

---------------------------

Potions with Professor Slughorn was never very interesting, but at least it was not the slack-jawed boredom of History of Magic. The Marauders generally took this time to discuss plans for disrupting meals, pranking their fellow peers, debasing Snape, and other such vital parts of their lives.

"Pads...Pads!" James hissed.

Sirius carefully finished stirring in the final ingredient to his potion, bubotuber pus, and inclined his head towards James. "What?" he whispered under his breath.

"Pads, Snivellus is looking at you funny," James murmured. Sirius whipped around to look. Snape was not only 'looking at him funny', but glowering at Sirius with utmost malice, muttering under his breath.

Sirius turned back to James, "He's finally cracked, then?"

Peter giggled.

Remus leaned over and gently nudged Sirius in the shoulder, "You might want to get your wand out."

Sirius looked vaguely at Remus and said with mild incredulity, "Whatever for?"

"Bugger," Remus said, "Protego!"

Just as the words had left Remus' mouth, there was a bang, a flash of light, and a good deal of smoke. When the haze had cleared and the classroom was again visible, it became readily apparent that Snape's hex had missed its mark. Peter had landed in Sirius's cauldron, and all that could be seen of him was an arm, hanging limply over the side.

Sirius, a look of livid fury on his face, whipped out his wand and turned on Snape, shouting, "Furnunculus!" Snape was propelled backwards with a cry, upending his own cauldron and landing heavily on his arse.

"Holy shit," Remus said. He ran over to the cauldron Peter was currently occupying and dragged out a disheveled blond head. "Peter, Peter, are you alright?"

"Glub," said Peter, most eloquently.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit. . . ."

James tackled Sirius, who screamed, "What the fuck are you doing, James? This slimy bastard nearly drowned Peter!"

"Shut. . .up," James panted, trying to restrain Sirius' wand arm with his entire body, "Shut up, you're going to get us into such deep shit. . . . Fuck, Sirius, stop!"

Sirius wrenched himself free and threw himself bodily at Snape, resorting to a more Darwinian fashion of fighting.

"Peter!" Remus cried.

"Sirius!" James yelled.

"Bastard!" Sirius snarled.

"STOP!" Professor Slughorn shouted, and with a bang, separated the struggling pile on the floor. "Twenty points from Slytherin and Gryffindor each, and detention for Mr. Black and Mr. Snape!"

"Greasy shitface," Sirius sneered.

"On second thought, make that thirty for profanity, Mr. Black," Professor Slughorn tutted, "Never in my life have I heard such language!"

"He's come round!" Remus shouted. "Peter! Are you okay?"

"Hey, guys!" Peter giggled, "Howyadoin?"

"Oh, my god," James groaned, "This is awful."

Peter giggled again, bouncing about in his cauldron. "This feels just like a swimming pool! A really small, warm swimming pool!"

"Erm," Remus shifted uncomfortably, before nearly being knocked over as an enormous sneeze erupted from Peter's mouth.

Professor Slughorn bustled over. "Ah, yes, that would be one of the unfortunate side effects of an overdose of Pepper-Up. Go see Madam Pomfrey, she should be able to put it right in a jiffy."

On the other side of the room, Snape winced with every move, clearly affected by the curse Sirius had so recently cast. He was sporting a brilliantly purple black eye, as well as a trickle of blood from his nose.

Slughorn glanced at him, his expression a barely disguised grimace, "Er, you'd best go up to the hospital wing as well."

---------------------------

Sirius stood at the door of the potions dungeon, head slightly bent and fists curled. It opened wide to reveal a jolly-looking Slughorn, or at least his jolly-looking belly. "Mr. Black, so glad you could join us! Mr. Snape arrived just a few minutes before you. Won't you come in?" The sugary happiness of Professor Slughorn's voice was nearly sickening, and Sirius stifled his desires to run screaming back to Gryffindor tower as he followed him into the room. Saturday night detention was bad enough, but compounded with Snape's greasy-haired countenance lurking in the corner of the classroom and the large cauldron in the middle that appeared to be full of very boiled toads, Sirius was rather hoping there would be some kind of natural disaster, preferably one that ran directly through the dungeons.

Professor Slughorn, unaware of the unpleasant, yet hopeful, thoughts running through Sirius' head, beamed jovially and said, "Well, I'll just be leaving you two here. Toads are in that cauldron, pickled ones go into those jars there, and I'll come to collect you both at eleven o'clock, sharp." There was a quiet snick as he shut the door behind him, leaving nothing but Snape, Sirius, and the unpleasant stench of boiled toads.

Sirius turned to Snape, a wry smirk on his face. He inhaled deeply, then wrinkled his nose. "Ah," he said, "nothing like the smell of Slytherin in the evening. Though the toads almost mask it." He sneered. "Almost."

"I would think you were immune to stink by now, Black, living among mudbloods and blood traitors as you do." Snape said, unveiled malice soaking every word.

Sirius eyed a toad speculatively. "Looks a bit like your mum, doesn't it, Snivels?" He held the toad next to Snape's face, squeezing it and making unpleasant squelching noises.

Snape scowled and slashed viciously at the toad in front of him. "Ah, look at that. Bears a remarkable likeness to Lupin, doesn't it?"

"Get stuffed." Sirius's face was a mask of rage.

"Oho, struck a nerve, have I?" Snape looked thoroughly chuffed. "Got a bit of a soft spot for your mangled mate?"

"I said," growled Sirius, "get stuffed." He threw a toad into the cauldron so hard it bounced out and rolled across the stone floor, squelching all the way.

"And what's this I hear about a 'furry little problem?' Some sort of hair overgrowth potion? Don't tell me you've been letting Lupin near cauldrons again."

"That's none of your goddamned business, Snivelly," Sirius snarled.

"Touché, Black," Snape smirked, "What's the matter, feeling a bit overprotective of your boyfriend?"

Sirius made a jab for Snape's hand with the knife they were using to gut the frogs. Snape snatched his hand back, his face contorted into an ugly snarl. Sirius laughed, "What's the matter, Snivellus, feeling a bit overprotective of your boyfriend?"

"Bastard," Snape hissed.

"Filth," Sirius squeezed a boiled toad to its pop-eyed death, "You'll never measure up to Remus."

"How could you stand to consort with such muggle lovers, Black?" Snape stood fingering his wand, a nasty smile twisting his pale lips.

"Perhaps some of us are less closed-minded than others, Snivellus," snarled Sirius, throwing toads into the cauldron with vengeance.

"Really, Black," Snape breathed, "Would you care to provide yourself as an example?"

Sirius looked nonplussed, "What?"

"Legilimens!" Snape cried.

He was on his knees, bent before a heavy book while his mother shrieked, "You are a pureblood! You are a member of the house of Black! You have a name to uphold! Honor to fulfill!" He ached. . . . He was laughing with James on the train; it was the first time he had ever ridden it. . . . He had never been so happy in his life. . . ."Hi, I'm Remus Lupin," a small boy said, shyly. . . . Regulus' triumphant eleven-year-old face as the Sorting Hat screamed, "SLYTHERIN!". . . .Remus lying pale and weak on the hospital bed, eyes fluttering helplessly. . . . And with that memory came a gust of longing that threatened to overwhelm him. . . .

"NO!" Sirius heard himself shout, and felt the hard, cold stone beneath his body, reassuring, unmoving stone. Snape looked aghast.

"You? A crush on Remus Lupin?" The disgust turned to glee as Snape contemplated the oh-so-many possibilities of blackmail. Lovely, beautiful, wonderful blackmail. . . "Seems like some of us are a bit more open minded than we thought."

"FUCK YOU! YOU WANT TO SEE A GODDAMNED FURRY LITTLE PROBLEM SO FUCKING BAD, WHY DON'T YOU GO AND FUCK THE WHOMPING WILLOW," Sirius screamed, and hurled himself at Snape's throat. "YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SLIME!"

---------------------------

"Mr. Black, I am stunned, stunned, that any of my students would behave in this way. Fifty points from Gryffindor, and a week's worth of detention. Any misdemeanors during that week will result in possible expulsion, do you understand?"

"Yes, Professor McGonagall," Sirius muttered. A purple bruise bloomed on his cheekbone and blood dribbled down his lip. His knuckles were split, a minor reprimand for punching Snape in the face multiple times. One of his toes felt as if it had fractured.

Professor McGonagall's nostrils had gone white and her lips were pressed together in a pale line. Her hat trembled as she said, "You may go."

Sirius stormed out of her office, furious at himself, at Snivellus, at Remus, at everything.

---------------------------

When he finally made his way back to the Gryffindor common room, leaving behind several shocked portraits and one very mauled table, he found Remus and James waiting for him. Peter had fallen asleep in an armchair by the fire. Someone (most likely James) had taken the opportunity to write the word 'WANKER' in large block print all over his face.

"Pads!" James cried, flinging himself around Sirius' shoulders, "How was it?"

Sirius snarled something incoherent and violently threw James off. Remus stiffened as James stumbled over the sofa, hurt.

"Sirius?" he asked, cautiously. Sirius said nothing, but instead thundered up to the dormitories.

"Wow," James said, "I wonder what happened. Must've been really awful."

Remus shook his head, "We'd better leave him alone for a bit."

James shrugged, and sprawled over the sofa.

---------------------------

Remus awoke with a jerk, the side of his face sticking to the fabric of the sofa. James lay beside him, snoring loudly while Peter, now snoozing on the floor, whuffled in his sleep. The fire had died, leaving nothing but glowing coals that gently threw wavering light against the ink on Peter's face.

Shivering, but ever considerate, he transfigured some throw pillows into blankets for James and Peter, and made his way up the stairs.

Sirius was still up, fully dressed and sitting by the windows. Remus leaned against the wall beside him, silent. The moonlight threw Sirius' features into sharp relief, his lashes casting long shadows against high cheekbones, his lips silvered and frowning, accentuated by the trickle of dried blood.

Remus shuddered, feeling the pull of the waxing moon. Sirius turned to look at him, an angry look, but the anger was not directed at him.

"Professor McGonagall gave me detention for a week," Sirius said abruptly, "I beat up Snivelly again. She says that if I do anything bad for a week I'll get suspended and she took fifty points." He licked his lips. "That bastard deserved to be beaten up. He said you . . . and then . . . ." Sirius grumbled indistinctly, "'Furry little problem," more grumbling, "And I . . . he was . . . bloody toad . . . like to hex the bastard's greasy nose off . . . fucking deserved it . . . ."

Remus let him babble into silence, suddenly feeling very awkward. He felt that if he said anything he might cause Sirius to fly into a rage. He had never been very good with people.

"You've blood on your face," he said instead. Sirius reached up, surprised. Remus licked his thumb and rubbed it off, not noticing when Sirius' breath caught in his throat, nor when the blood beneath the skin rose and quickened and fell.

"Thanks," Sirius whispered.

Remus fiddled with his robes while Sirius watched him. "Are you feeling better?"

Sirius gave a crooked sort of smile and wrapped Remus in a sort of bear hug. It surprised him, and his arms got caught in an uncomfortable jumble by his sides. He felt his ribs pop.

"Remus. . . ." Sirius murmured. And he rapidly let go, blushing. "Er. Bed for me, then." He quickly disappeared behind the curtains of his bed.

Remus felt rather confused. Had Sirius stolen his underwear again? Shrugging, he, too, went to bed.


---------------------------

In the hospital wing Snape chuckled to himself. An Ode to Blackmail, he thought.

Blackmail!

Oh, to blackmail Black!

Blackmail, blackmail, mail for Black,

Black's mail will soon be blackmail

and all mail that is black will be for Black!

He hummed tunelessly and twirled his quill between his fingers as he began to compose a letter in his head.