Lord Voldemort and Who The [Redacted] is That

"Voldemort!" Harry screamed, storming into the office, wand drawn.

"Ah, hold please, Narcissa," said dark lord murmured into his... muggle telephone? "Yes?" Voldemort asked, turning to face the intruder. "Wait, who are you?"

The boy's glare turned even harsher, if possible. "Harry Potter."

"Right," Voldemort replied, picking up the telephone again. "Severus, would you mind coming up to my office? It seems I have a pest problem."

But a moment later, Severus Snape dramatically appeared, throwing open the doors of his lord's office, cloak billowing.

"Wow," the dark lord murmured under his breath. Then, "How, in Merlin's name, did this child simply waltz into my office?" 

"I thought you knew, My Lord," Severus replied, grimacing at Potter.

"Well, I obviously did not, Severus," Voldemort replied, gesturing toward the child seated in his office corner.

"Yes, well. I had figured Barty told you," Severus responded, face blank.

"Ah... no. Barty and I have been preoccupied with... other things," the dark lord returned, awkwardly focusing on his desk.

Severus wrinkled his nose. "Gross, M'Lord."

Voldemort glared at Severus, who did not react.

Harry simply watched from the corner, stunned.

"So let me know if I'm misunderstanding any of this. You've grown up in an abusive, muggle household because someone murdered your parents at... Godric's Hollow?" Voldemort asked, steepling his hands.

"Yes. You murdered my parents. At Godric's Hollow." Potter sharply returned, glaring.

"Okay, one, I did not," Voldemort began. "Two, why in Salazar's name were they at Godric's Hollow instead of Potter Manor?"

"Potter Manor?" Potter asked, confusion warring with anger on his face.

"Merlin," Voldemort muttered. The dark lord was sorely tempered to summon a sleeping draught to knock himself out. He settled for sighing into his hands.

As Potter went to leave, Voldemort spoke up once more, "And by the way, I don't make house calls. If, and that's a big if, I wanted to kill your parents, I would do it on the battlefield, like a proper wizard. Severus mentioned your father didn't even have a wand! I'd never allow that."

"Okay, but your followers make house calls," Harry Potter threw back.

"No? They don't?" Voldemort, confused, made his statement more of a question.

"Then explain why the Lestrange brothers and Bellatrix are in Azkaban for torturing Neville Longbottom's parents to insanity!" Potter demanded, the objects near him rattling.

"Erm, poor marketing?" Voldemort retorted, tempted to shrug.

Potter's mouth dropped open in a silent screech before, "What the blasted hell!" 

The dark lord appeared sheepish then. "As far as I'm aware, they did no such thing. But I can't know for sure, at least not yet."