Christmas
- October 31st
Having Regulus’ roommates know about their relationship definitely helped them be able to spend time together. Alone. James often found himself just hanging out alone in their dorm until one of them came back.
He wasn’t going to lie, he had started to sort of like Regulus’ friends. But when he was in their dorm it was always to wait for Regulus and not the others who lived there. He did this without telling his boyfriend beforehand more often than not. The two roommates hadn’t been thrilled about it in the beginning but now they were used to it.
Whenever they entered the dorm and saw James sit there the greeting was always a version of ‘he’ll be here soon’ . Instead of ‘What the fuck. Get out of here.’ as they used to say at first. Today was no different, James was sat reading Pride and Prejudice in Regulus’ bed when Barty entered the dorm.
“Slughorn asked him to stay behind, he’ll be here in 10,” was the greeting today. “Hello to you as well Crouch.” James looked up from the book. At the beginning of October, when they all had gotten used to James’ presence in the dorm, he had finally gotten brave enough to actually look through the stuff around their dorm instead of just sitting frozen on the bed waiting for Regulus.
He hadn’t actually looked through their drawers or personal stuff or anything, just the stuff that were out in the open. And he had found quite a huge pile of books under Regulus’ bed. He had decided to look through them, although he was very careful not to damage them in any way, since they were Regulus’ most precious possessions. Or at least James thought they were with how Regulus talked about them.
He had come across many books he recognized from Remus’ collection, but when he picked up a very used copy of Pride and Prejudice he remembered how Regulus had said that it was his favourite book. James had looked through the pages and seen a bunch of lines and comments. James had seen Regulus when he read, and he always had a muggle pen in one hand, occasionally writing something on the pages. Or just underlining sentences.
James had then decided that he would read it, whenever he waited for Regulus. But not before he got permission to actually read Regulus’ book. He didn’t want to invade his privacy in that sort of way. Regulus had been unsure at first when he’d been asked, he’d told James that some of the stuff he wrote were very questionable and James might find it strange. But those were Regulus’ own words, and when James assured him, once again, that he wouldn’t think he was strange or judge him for something he found joy in, Regulus had agreed to it.
But James could only read a couple of minutes a few days a week, so he hadn’t gotten very far. He liked it so far, he wasn’t the most avid reader but he did enjoy a good book from time to time. Especially when he didn’t have anything better to do.
Soon enough Regulus entered the room and smiled at James. “No Rosier?” James asked. Regulus shook his head and threw himself down onto James. “He’s got detention,” James snorted. Evan was a smart man, or at least schoolsmart. But when it came to being quick-witted there was no hope. James had learned these past weeks that Evan often found himself in situations that he never could explain or think quickly enough to avoid trouble, which resulted in many detentions.
“What did he do this time?” Regulus lifted his head to look James in the eyes with a flat expression. “Well, as you know his biggest weakness is cats. So last night he followed one, all the way into the forbidden forest, and spent hours petting it. When he got back he was caught by Filch, he’s currently scrubbing cauldrons until dinner.” James only sighed.
Evans obsession with cats was no secret, but when you actually knew the bloke it was rather concerning how much time of his life was spent doing something surrounding the topic of cats. He also had his own cat, and it was adorable. When it wasn’t trying to murder James. It didn’t really like anyone, not even Evan himself. It only seemed to like other cats, and Regulus for some reason. But James didn’t really blame it. Since he also like Regulus.
“Is Gryffindor having a party tonight?” Bartys question broke James out of his stare on the lightbrown cat sleeping on the bed beside Regulus’. “Yeah, do you want to come?” James asked. Barty snorted. But when he noticed that James hadn’t been joking he looked confused. “Wait like actually? You’re inviting us, three Slytherins, to a Gryffindor party?” James only nodded. “And what will the person who is arranging this party think of that?” James shrugged. “He wouldn’t care, since he was the one who invited you,” Barty only stared. “Oh come on, me and the others are hosting the party, and Sirius has insisted we have it to celebrate Halloween and himself since his birthday is in like three days. He’d want his brother there, and you and Evan are sort of hard to avoid when it comes to Regulus,” he continued. “Unless you have anything better to do?” Regulus shifted and sat up properly to look at James.
“I have a few questions, number one, why hasn’t Sirius invited me himself if he wants me there?” he questioned. “Because he’s an idiot and to scared to invite you himself,” James answered. “Why would he be scared to invite me?” Regulus frowned. “Because he’s scared you’d say no, but he wants you there, he’s been like trying to hint about the party so that you’d invite yourself,” Regulus frowned deeper and asked, “How has he been hinting? And did he really think I would invite myself?” James snorted. “I have no idea Regulus, he thinks almost too much when it comes to you, and have you not heard him practically screaming about his birthday party in the great hall the past week?” Barty laughed. “Is that what he was doing? Oh lord, I thought he’d gone insane,” he choked out. Regulus only nodded, looking amused.
“Okay well, question two, will there be drugs?” James choked on his spit. “Is that important?” Regulus nodded. “Ehm, well, I guess maybe some weed, we don’t really do drugs,” he said unsure. “Okay good, Slytherin parties are always filled with drugs, I hate it. Not weed, but the drugs they do here are not weed.” James relaxed. “Merlin, I though you meant you wanted drugs,” he said. “What? No, I am not a fan of it. Well, we’ll be there,”
“We will?” Barty questioned. “Yes we will. I do not want to go to the Slytherinparty,” Barty nodded and James proceeded to explain the rules, what to expect, what they should wear, and then telling them he’d pick them up outside their commonroom at seven that evening. Then he left and went to inform Sirius about the additional guests. He’d been thrilled to hear that his brother would come, but less thrilled about the other two. But he wasn’t against it.
-October 31st, 07.00pm
Regulus, Barty and Evan entered the hallway outside their commonroom where exactly on time, as usual, James stood with a broad smile. “Hello beautiful,” James greeted. “Hello James,” Barty replied. Regulus snorted at the face James made. Regulus looked around before he gave a quick kiss. “Shall we go?” he asked and James showed the way to a secret entrance that were supposedly quicker than the stairs. Regulus wasn’t so sure.
Eventually all four stood outside the Gryffindor commonroom where James made Evan and Barty cover their ears so they wouldn’t hear the password. Regulus felt slightly proud that James trusted Regulus enough to be allowed to hear it. Regulus had been to the Gryffindor commonroom a couple of times, but never during a party. And let’s just say that it was clear that a party was going on. While the Slytherin parties were dark, cold, filled with drugs etc. the Gryffindor party was warm, and bright, a lot of different colored lights were put up and Regulus was sure he could see a discoball. The only things that didn’t scream Gryffindor to Regulus was the obvious Halloween decorations, it was clear an attempt to make it scary had been done, but even the “scary” parts were welcoming. Regulus did often enjoy the Slytherinparties, when he wasn’t sober, he actually loves the Slytherinparties when he isn’t sober. But when he’s sober, they’re the worst. Regulus thought he could easily enjoy this party without even a drop of alcohol. Although he wouldn’t because he already had a cup of firewhiskey in his hands.
Regulus noticed that they weren’t the only people from other houses, but there weren’t many others. “I invited Pandora since she’s your friend, she was really helpful with the decorations,” Regulus looked to where James pointed. He wasn’t sure what he was looking at until lightning struck down into the fireplace making the fire huge for a a few seconds, making Regulus jump. He continued looking around, and noticed a bunch of other special decorations he hadn’t noticed when he entered. For example, a fake ghost popped up screaming whenever someone entered the commonroom, James explained that they had charmed it so that it did it to random people and not every time someone entered. All around them were scares, but they weren’t scary as in a murderer chasing you but more like a pumpkin flying through the air trying to bite you in the face. Evan was currently being chased by a flying pumpkin. Barty was standing by the drink table laughing at him.
Time flew by and it was around midnight. Sirius desperately wanted to play truth or dare, Regulus had remembered the last time they had played a game when drunk and decided that it was probably best if he didn’t participate. But Barty insisted, and Evan insisted, and Sirius insisted and a quite drunk James insisted. So he couldn’t just say no.
- November 1st, 12.03am
A lot of people had already left the party, being too tired after a long school day. But they were still many there. James was currently sitting on the couch squished between Regulus and Peter, Evan sat beside Peter and Barty on the armrest beside Evan, and Pandora sat on the other armrest beside Regulus, Sirius and Remus were sharing an armchair, Lily and Mary were sharing the other and Marlene and Dorcas was sat on the floor in front of them.
There was of course more people there but James wasn’t sure about their names, and some didn’t want to play so they were just drinking and talking with others spread around the room.
Sirius was technically the birthdayboy so he decided they would play truth or dare. But it was decided that everyone would have the choice to take a shot if they didn’t want to answer the question or do the dare. They had decided to spin a bottle, and the person it landed on had to pick truth or dare, then they got to spin and ask the person it landed on and so on. Sirius started and it had landed on someone James recognized from the Ravenclaw quidditchteam.
It had quickly gone from easy questions like ‘what’s your most embarrassing story’ and ‘go get some cookies from the kitchen’ to less easy ones like ‘who was the last person you shagged’ and ‘knock on Filches room and say you threw up’. Sirius and Remus was asked a lot about their sexlife which James really didn’t want to hear about, since everything happened in the dorm he shared with them. Regulus and Bartys weird thing that happened last year was exposed and after that they had been attacked with questions. Evan was dared to strip down to only his underwear for the next four rounds, and James had been asked about his crush on Lily. Which didn’t exist anymore.
That had seemed to shock people, even though it had been more than a year since he stopped liking her like that. Lily and Pandora had been dared to kiss, which was completely random. Lily had been dared to kiss the person the bottle landed on. Which had been Pandora, and they actually did it. Although that didn’t surprise James, they both seemed like very openminded people.
Eventually the bottle had landed on James again. “Dare.” was the only thing he said. He realised that he was very bad at keeping secrets when he was drunk and he had almost exposed his relationship when he chose truth. It was Marlene who had spun it, so she was the one who had to come up with a dare. “Well, since you don’t like Lily anymore, I dare you to snog the person the bottle lands on,” she said with a devilish smile. James froze and could feel Regulus do the same.
It didn’t really matter who the bottle landed on because James had already begun filling is glass with firewhiskey, he was about to bring it up to his lips when he was stopped. “Wait, are you not going to do it?” asked a confused Sirius. James shook is head and downed the shot. “Why?! You never back down on a dare, and that wasn’t even a hard one,” Peter questioned. James wasn’t prepared for all the questions thrown at him. Regulus was still stiff beside him and James very subtly leant into him. He could feel him slowly relax. He was still being attacked with questions and he could see Barty trying very hard not to laugh and Evan wasn’t even trying to hide it. James was slightly panicking. And the alcohol in his system definitely wasn’t helping.
“Well I’m not a cheat am I?” he said before he could think. Regulus choked on drink he was sipping on and so was Barty. James slapped his hand onto his mouth, and that definitely wasn’t helping his case. “Wait. What do you mean cheat?” Peter asked. James’ mind was blank. He didn’t have an answer. Well, he wasn’t a cheat, not on tests, not on dares, not on people. He had good morals. But nothing really fit with this situation. Regulus softly elbowed him. No-one seemed to notice.
“Well, I- Uh, I’m not going to snog someone- someone who isn’t- well, I’m not a cheat, I wouldn’t cheat on someone. Even if it’s a game,” James rambled. He wasn’t making very much sense. He could feel his mind growing slower and slower. Fuck it.
“I’m in a relationship.” Sirius gasped dramatically but quickly started coughing, possibly from accidentally choking on spit. “You have a girlfriend?!” Peter blurted. Oh, right. They would think he had a girlfriend. “I’m gonna get some water,” was what he answered and stood up. He heard a quiet ‘me too’. At the drink table James stood for a few seconds, and then he could feel Regulus beside him. James looked at him and smiled weakly, Regulus smiled back.
“We probably should let them believe you have a girlfriend, right?” Regulus asked. James wanted people to know about their relationship, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to let everyone know before even Sirius knew. Or his parents. “Yeah, probably. Are you okay with that?” James whispered. Regulus’ brows knitted. “Why wouldn’t I be okay with that?” he asked lowly. James only shrugged.
“James, we tell people when we’re both ready, remember? Only Remus and your mom knows right now, I’m fine with waiting, as long as we’re both happy and comfortable,” Regulus whispered. “I’m fine with you saying you have a girlfriend, you’re allowed to lie if it makes it easier, you don’t have to worry. We’re supposed to be happy, alright?” James smiled properly now. “Alright,” he whispered back. James and Regulus grabbed a few bottles of water each and went back to the group. But halfway there James realised something.
“Wait, does my mum know about us?” he whispered to Regulus who furrowed his brows. “Yes, did you not know she knows?” James shook his head. “Oh, well, she told me before we left for school, I figured she’d talked to you,” James was confused. “Wait, what? When?” Regulus stepped little closer, but not suspiciously close. “The morning when we left for Hogwarts, I think you were packing the last stuff. She brought me outside and told me she knew about us and some other stuff, she’s okay with it, you know,” James was still confused. “How did she know? And why didn’t you say she talked to you?” he whispered softly. Not wanting to sound rude. “She said ‘I am his mother and I can always see my sons emotions’, and we talked about some emotional stuff. I really did think she had told you she knew, so I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want to explain what else we were talking about, I’m sorry.” James shook his head, “No it’s fine, you don’t have to apologize. It’s fine, and you absolutely do not have to tell me anything you don’t want to,” Regulus smiled softly and nodded.
Back at the couch James and Regulus put the waters down on the table, and shortly after James was attacked with questions once again.
- December 20th
James was suffering. Regulus could see how exhausting it was to be constantly bombarded with questions about a supposed secret girlfriend. Who didn’t exist. He and James had sat and made up some stories about “her” to make it believable, just in case James would need to tell someone something.
It had almost been two months since James had exposed the relationship and the questions hadn’t eased. His friends had laid off from what Regulus had heard. James had told them that he and his “girlfriend” had their private reasons for not telling people and that he would like them to respect those reasons. Which they had, the rest of the school hadn’t. But that was inevitable, James was one of the most popular guys at school.
Regulus was sat at the Slytherin table in the great hall, waiting for the post to arrive. They had mastered the secret note passing through school, especially in the great hall. But something that Regulus had started enjoying a lot was sending loveletters to James. Sure, everyone thought they were from his “girlfriend” but Regulus and James knew who they were really from.
At first, in the beginning of November, they had just been short letters, small poems, sometimes he wrote a full page just for it to look like a lot. But those long ones were usually a bunch of very sinful things, because Regulus loved seeing James blush like crazy. Sometimes his brother would try to read the letters, but James never let him. Remus had snatched one last week and sent an overwhelmed look to Regulus in secret when he saw what it said.
Regulus often included small teabags, pressed flowers or candies in the letters. Sometimes he would include cut out pictures of Quidditch players James had mentioned he found attractive, just to mess with him. But for six weeks now Regulus had started putting a little more effort in the letters. And once a week James got a special letter. One with more thought. More magic.
The first one was a normal letter, but when James pulled out the letter a bouquet of James’ favourite flowers sprung up from the envelope.
The second one had folded itself into a small bird when James finished reading and it followed him the whole day.
The third folded itself into a stag that ran around the table stepping in everyone's food, that one also followed him. Apparently James still had it running around in his room.
Regulus made it a stag because he wanted to mess with James, Regulus knew his brother and his friends were animagus’, he had figured it out when they very obviously did the process in their fourth year. Sure it had taken some time to actually figure out their animals but it wasn’t hard when you were actually paying attention.
James had confronted him that day, asked him how he knew, and Regulus explained. James had relaxed when Regulus promised he hadn’t and wouldn’t tell anyone. But then James had stiffened again, because if Regulus knew they were animagus’ did he know about Remus? Yes he did. And yet again he promised James that he hadn’t and would never tell anyone about it. It was fine after that. "You're quite obvious if you pay attention.", "Is it the nicknames?", "Mm, well, I guess. Partly. I still don't really get Moony though.", "What. Isn't that the most obvious one?", "No? I think Wormtail's the most obvious.", "Moony. Moony. Moon. Y. Moon.", "Wha- Oh. Well, now I feel stupid."
The fourth letter Regulus had charmed to fly up in the air when James finished reading it, and turn into rose petals. It did, although Regulus had only meant for the petals to rain over James during breakfast, but it continued the whole day until Regulus could do the countercharm.
The fifth letter hadn’t actually been a letter. When James opened it a bunch of small paper butterflies flew out and circled around James for a few minutes or rested in his hair until they one by one flew up and exploded into tiny fireworks.
Today was the sixth letter. Regulus had found out that despite James being quite the romantic he very easily got embarrassed when the romantic gesture was for him. Regulus absolutely found that hilarious, and thought he would go over the top. But that felt mean, so he only went a little bigger than the other times.
“So what do you have planned for today?” Barty whispered from his left. Regulus only smirked and said “You’ll just have to see for yourself.” And right after that the owls arrived. Many people had turned to look at James when an owl delivered a letter for him. Regulus could already see the faint blush on James’ brown face. He could hear Sirius’ teasing laugh, and Regulus knew exactly why he was laughing.
The one he had sent today was a “normal” envelope. Although he had asked Pandora to borrow a red lipstick of hers. And Regulus had absolutely covered the envelope with kisses. Regulus himself thought it was absolutely disgusting, but he didn’t do it because it was cute. He did it to tease James, and it definitely worked.
But the kisses weren’t the actual thing. No it was when James opened the envelope that it would happen. Regulus’ eyes were focusing on every move James made. They met eyes for a second and Regulus’ smirk only grew bigger. James took his time but eventually the envelope was open. He looked confused and pulled up a small paper. But the second the paper left the envelope it swelled and turned into a small present. Imagine a pink and red Christmas present, with the bow and everything, but as small as an apple.
James looked nervous as he put it down on the table. Regulus noticed that most of the school was looking at James now. This was great. Regulus’ boyfriend slowly put his hands to the bow and undid it. He removed to top. And nothing happened at first. Everyone looked confused, but Regulus knew what would happen in just a few seconds.
The first sound erupted. And a quite big fountain of magic sparkles shot out from the box, the people closest to James and James himself were covered in red and green glitter that Regulus knew would disappear at the end of the day. Regulus could see the shocked faces around the hall. But soon enough the second sound came, and another wave of sparkles shot up, but this time it didn’t rain down. Instead it formed a word, “MY” . Regulus could hear gasps as the third sound came, this time the sparkles formed a heart. The fourth wave read "IS". And the fifth and last round, the glitter shot up and formed the word “YOURS” . James was wearing a broad grin but looked incredibly embarrassed. Regulus was thriving.
The Christmas feast was tonight and tomorrow they would leave for the holidays.
- December 21st, dinner
“Oh, you would’ve loved it. James’ girlfriend really went all out. We were covered in glitter all day. And James couldn’t stop blushing.” Sirius was rambling about what had happened during the semester. Sirius had accidentally mentioned James’ “secret girlfriend” in the car, and apologized immediately but James had said it was okay. Although he hadn’t been sure how he was going to explain the situation to his mum. Now that wasn’t a problem anymore since Sirius had explained everything, and James was sure his mother understood what had happened.
Regulus just sat and listened quietly. James couldn’t stop sneaking glances at him, which eventually led to him being caught. Regulus turned his head to look at James. They only smiled at each other. “It’s not all veggie today?” he asked pointing at the pot that stood in front of James. James shook his head, really happy that Regulus had remembered that detail about him. “Can you really not tell if there’s meat in the food or not?” James asked back. Regulus blushed slightly. “I mean, maybe. I guess, but I’m so used to it so it isn’t like it stands out,” James smiled at him. Sirius didn’t seem to notice that his brother and James was having their own conversation and he continued his rambling.
“Do you want to taste mine?” James asked. “Oh, sure,” Regulus answered unsure. James snuck a glance at his parents and Sirius before putting food on his spoon and holding it in front of Regulus’ mouth. Regulus blushed as he bit the food off the spoon. James couldn’t stop smiling. “It’s good,” Regulus whispered, his voice was weirdly strained. “Do you not like it?” James asked. “What, no it was really good James, why wouldn’t I have liked it?” Regulus said confused. “Your voice sounded a little strange when you said it,” James was smirking now. “Oh, well- I just wasn’t prepared for you to feed me,” he whispered. “You’re embarrassed?” James teased. “Shut up,” Regulus said, but with no real bite.
“What are you two talking about?” Sirius asked. Clearly having missed the entire quiet conversation between the two people he considered his brothers. “Oh, Regulus was just asking about my vegetarianism,” James said amused. Sirius looked confused.
“Wait. You’re vegetarian?!”
- December 22nd, breakfast
James and Regulus had talked last night. James wanted to tell his parents, and Regulus wanted to as well. It wasn’t a very long talk, they just agreed to the same thing and then proceeded to snog before they went to bed.
“Mother and father, I have something I need to tell you in private.” James asked. He didn’t know how to do this without being awkward. Sirius was still sleeping but Regulus had said he didn’t want to be around when James told them, just in case it turned emotional. James mum looked amused while his dad looked incredibly confused. Regulus had snorted into his tea and was currently choking. “Are you okay Regulus?” his mother asked. Regulus only nodded.
Now the three Potters were sitting in their library on the other side of the house. His parents beside each other with James facing them. No-one had said a word in the few minutes they’d been there. James’ dad cleared his throat.
“Right, sorry, I don’t know how to do this.” was what James said. Still awkward. But the smile his mother had was slightly comforting. James also cleared his throat before he began. “Right, well, mum you already know this. Dad-” James’ eyes welled up. He didn’t know it would be this hard. He cleared his throat again to get rid of the lump that was slowly forming there. “Dad, I don’t have a girlfriend.” was all he said. His dad only nodded, his expression was unreadable. “Because-” he choked again. No, he wasn’t going to cry. He cleared his throat for a third time. “Because I have a boyfriend.” he finished quietly. He didn’t dare look at his dad, he had told himself he wouldn’t get emotional, he wouldn’t cry. But he was sure he would be crying in just a second.
He couldn’t look up from the floor, he had closed his eyes to keep the tears from falling. No-one said a word for some time. James didn’t know how long. He could feel a sob rising up in his throat, and it only escaped when he felt a pair of arms wrap around him. He didn’t open his eyes, but the tears fell anyways. James’ hands shot out and grabbed the person in front of him. He could recognize his mothers hug from miles away. Even when they hadn’t seen each other for months, he could recognize them. He would forever recognize his mothers hug even if they spent years apart.
But James’ dad was hugging him. And that only made him sob harder. He felt like a rock he didn’t know had been there lifted from his chest. “It’s okay James,” his dad whispered. James nodded. “I don’t know why I’m crying so much,” James mother chuckled. “It’s okay to cry James, even when you think it isn’t something to cry over. You are allowed to cry over anything you feel like crying over,” she said warmly. James continued to cry. When he calmed down he urged his dad to stop hugging him. But he didn’t let go. “Dad, it’s fine you can let go now,” he croaked out. But only then did he notice his dad sniffling. “Dad? Are you crying?” he asked awkwardly. His dad let go then and yep, he was definitely crying.
“James. You’re my son. And I love you, I will always and forever love you. No matter what. Of course I’m going to cry when you cry.” he said firmly. “Oh,” James said dumbly.
“So, are you going to get your boyfriend so that we can meet him as your boyfriend and not Sirius' brother? Or are we pretending that he isn’t your boyfriend?” his father asked. James only stared. His mother poked James cheek. But he was frozen. “I am so grateful that you told me James, but I sort of figured it was Regulus when Sirius started talking about your ‘girlfriend’. We raised you, and can definitely tell when you love someone.” his dad explained. James was sure his mouth was open. But that last sentence made him snap it shut.
“You can’t tell him that!” James said urgently. His parents looked confused. “I haven’t told him that yet. That I love him. So you can not tell him that I do.” he explained. James was sure Regulus knew that James loved him, but neither of them had actually said it yet. His parents nodded and James stood up to go get his boyfriend.
Regulus looked confused when James entered the kitchen alone. “They want me to introduce my boyfriend.” he whispered. And Regulus now looked as nervous as James felt.
-December 25th
The talk with James’ parents had gone great. Even when they threw out James and spoke to Regulus alone. But then James was asked back in, and after that it had been extremely not great. The sex talk was something Regulus never thought he would have to go through. But now he had.
It was the afternoon and the rest of ‘the marauders’ had come over. Regulus really wasn’t sure why some people called them that. It was ridiculous. They were sat watching Christmas movies, James, Sirius, Regulus and Remus was sat on the couch. The only difference between the two couples was that Sirius and Remus were openly cuddling each other. Which Regulus thought was sort of disgusting, but to go against his own opinion, he really wanted to cuddle James. Regulus had gotten presents for everyone there, even Remus and Peter even though he hadn’t really spoken to them much. He wasn’t expecting presents for himself, but he enjoyed giving to others. They were supposed to open them after dinner.
It was nice, they had a nice breakfast, a nice lunch, they were spending nice time with each other, watching nice movies, having nice conversations. But it was all really a lot.
“I’m just going to the bathroom real quick,” Regulus whispered before quickly leaving the others. He didn’t need to go to the bathroom, but he couldn’t really breathe in there. Fuck. He tried to calm down but it didn’t really work. Why now? He made his way outside. It was cold, it had snowed a lot this winter. Regulus stood there for minutes, trying to regulate his breathing. It didn’t happen often, only sometimes when he got overwhelmed. And he sure felt overwhelmed right now.
Going outside he found helped some, especially the cold. It slowed his racing heart. This summer he would take cold showers when he felt the anxiety rising. But now he just stood in the snow. Without shoes. He should get some shoes. Or he could sit down. He’ll sit down.
Christmas had always been awful. Regulus had never in his life had a good Christmas. He had always tried to make it good for others. He always got presents and sent letter for his friends. Especially Barty and Evan who he knew also had bad holidays. He wanted to enjoy it now that he could. But he found it incredibly difficult.
All he could think about was that fucking house. Those fucking people. The fucking curses. Shit. Regulus really couldn’t breathe. He was sitting down in the snow, in the middle of the garden of a loving family, he’s celebrating Christmas with his brother and boyfriend. With people who care, and people he care about. But he couldn’t handle it. Everything was spinning. He laid down.
Regulus wasn’t crying. He never cried during these. He found that it got more difficult breathing when he cried. So he didn’t cry.
He had only been outside for a couple of minutes. But he was really cold. And he couldn’t breathe. He wasn’t crying. No tears were even forming in his eyes. He wasn’t crying. He tried to breathe. But he wasn’t breathing. He tried to.
His head really hurt. Like he was wearing a too small helmet. Fuck. Breathe. He wasn’t doing it. Or was he? Regulus couldn’t tell. He hadn’t passed out so he must be breathing. Right? Was he shaking? He thinks he’s shaking. He’s probably shaking. Was he wearing socks even? Yes, most likely. Regulus’ feet always got really cold, why wouldn’t he be wearing socks. But he felt really, really cold. It was cold. Of course he felt cold.
It was always cold in that house as well. He wasn’t there. He wasn’t there. He was in the snow. Outside the Potters house. That’s why he was cold. Not because he was in that house. He would’ve worn socks if he was there. But he was wearing socks. Regulus opened his eyes. When did he close them? The sky was spinning. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe. It’s okay. Breathe. He heard James’ voice in his head. Fuck. No. He could not let James’ voice calm him down. He has to do this himself. Just fucking breathe you idiot. He sat up. He felt ten times heavier when he did. He laid down again. Breathe and then sit up. He opened his eyes. Everything was spinning. His eyes were aching. What the fuck. Keep them open. He kept his eyes open. One. Breathe. Two. Breathe. Three. Breathe. In. Out. Breathe. Shit. He’s going crazy.
There’s nothing bad here. Why the fuck was he acting like this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Breathe. Was he breathing now? Probably. He opened his eyes again. When did he close them? He kept them open.
He sat up. He felt heavy. He still wasn’t crying. Regulus felt dizzy. He’s breathing. What the fuck is he doing? He laughed weakly. How long had he been out there? Too long. He let his arms fling down to his sides. When did he even put them in his hair? Regulus was dizzy. And the world was spinning. And he was aching everywhere. And he could feel his heartbeat everywhere.
He stood up. And almost fell down. But he didn’t fall. He went inside, went upstairs, went to his room, and laid down on the floor. Regulus really felt too heavy for himself. He couldn’t carry it right now. He just had to lay down for a little while. Alone.
But he didn’t get to do that. Because his brother was beside him now.
“Regulus?”
Regulus didn’t answer. He was staring at the ceiling. And he felt too heavy. And his voice was too heavy. So Regulus didn’t answer.
“Regulus?”
Regulus closed his eyes. He could breathe now. Which meant he could cry now.
“Regulus?”
Regulus was crying.
“Regulus?” It was James.
Regulus nodded but he continued crying.
“Regulus?” His brother again.
“I hate them.” Regulus whispered.
“Me too.” His brother understood.
- December 25th
It was dinner. Sirius had asked James to go down and tell his parents that the probably would be late for dinner. But Regulus had asked James if he could stay. So James had laid down beside Regulus while Sirius went down to inform the others about what was happening. Which was probably for the best because James wasn’t very sure what was happening.
“Regulus?” he asked. “Yes,” he whispered. “You should probably shower,” James stated. “Are you implying that I smell bad?” Regulus asked. “Yes,” James stated very seriously. Regulus laughed at that. “No, but you are really cold, mum said she saw you come in from the backdoor covered in snow,” Regulus sighed. “Yeah.”
“I- I’m not going to ask what happened. If you want to tell me you can, but you obviously don’t have to. But Regulus, I care about you, and you can always talk to me, about anything,” James said. “Thank you,” the younger whispered. “Did you go outside during the movie?” James continued questioning. Trying to grasp the situation. “Yes, when was that?” Regulus continued whispering. “Like, an hour ago,” James also whispered. “Oh,”
“Shower?” James asked again. “Shower.” Regulus sat up, and James copied him. They went to the bathroom, but Regulus turned to James and looked hesitant. “Can you- can you shower with me?” he whispered. James nodded. And they showered.
If anyone noticed that they both had wet hair when they joined the dinner, they didn’t show it.
- December 25th
The presents had been a success. No-one acted any different when he and James joined the dinner. Regulus was grateful for that. Mostly for his brother who most likely explained the situation.
He had gotten Remus a book, from what he had heard from James they had sort of the same taste in books. Remus seemed happy over it. He had also gotten Regulus a book, one he had been looking for actually, so Regulus was overjoyed. For Peter he got a brand new chess board, with glowing pieces. He had had the least conversations with Peter but by the way his face had lit up Regulus was sure he liked it. Peter had gotten him socks, so many socks. And Regulus couldn’t help but laugh when he had opened it. Regulus had no idea how Peter knew about his funny socks collection but he was extremely grateful.
“How in the bloody hell did you find out about this?” he ordered jokingly. “You aren’t very good at hiding them. They practically glow underneath your trousers. I've seen them everyday, I can see them now.” Peter explained happily. Sirius looked confused. “Wait, you collect socks?”
For Effie Regulus got a set of cooking knives, which sounds scary and weird, but Regulus has learned that she absolutely loves cooking and collects knives. Monty got a bunch of garden tools and stuff for his plants. Monty had been the hardest to shop for, but he had been on the brink of tears when he opened the present so Regulus would count that as a win. Regulus got a sweater and books from them. He was truly grateful for every present he got.
Regulus got Sirius an eyeliner and a new leatherjacket, but that was only adding to the collection he had. Regulus got rings and a picture? A picture of a cat. Regulus was confused but grateful anyways. “We’ll explain soon,” was all his brother said.
For James, Regulus was nervous. He got James a necklace, that can be opened. He was sort of hoping James wouldn’t show it to anyone in the room. Because that would most definitely expose their relationship. Regulus was watching intently as James unwrapped the present. The others seemed occupied with their own presents which was good. Regulus really hoped he hadn’t screwed this up. James had opened the box, and was at the moment only staring. Regulus was holding his breath. Eventually he picked up the necklace, it was a gold one, it was shaped like the sun with his birthstone on it but it was the inside that mattered. James opened it, read what it said, and now he looked on the verge of crying. Regulus still hadn’t taken a breath. James looked into his eyes.
“Could you come with me for a second?” he whispered. And Regulus stood and followed. When they were out of hearing range of the others James broke down. Regulus wasn’t sure what to do. “Do you like it?” he whispered. James eyes snapped to his. “Do I like it? Fuck Regulus. I love it.” he whispered back. And soon Regulus was pulled into a kiss. This wasn’t like any of their other ones. This wasn’t instead of saying it. This was saying it. I love you.
“I love you too.” James whispered. And kissed him again. “I love you.” Regulus whispered when they broke apart again.
He helped James put on the necklace. A golden sun. Because James was his sun. On the inside it was engraved. “I love you” .
- December 25th
“I have your present here,” James whispered. It felt wrong to speak normally now. James pulled out a box from his pocket. And gave it to Regulus. “I think it’s best to not open it in front of the others.”
“Are you proposing James?” Regulus teased. “Something like that,” James teased back. Regulus started opening the present. “Wait this is actually a ring box,” Regulus whispered. James only smiled. Regulus opened it and his eyes opened wide.
“I’m not proposing, obviously, but I thought, I guess it’s sort of promise rings, if you want?” James asked. Regulus was now the one who looked like he was going to cry. “Why am I so emotional today?” he whispered. James chuckled. “I love it James.”
James softly took the box, slipped out the silver ring and put it on Regulus' finger. Merlin, they really were dramatic weren’t they. James pulled out another ring from his trouser pocket. A matching one, but in gold. James was gold and Regulus was silver. Two rings, simple bands with the Leo constellation engraved. Only the regulus star was marked with a jewel. From a distance a connection between the rings wouldn’t be made, only up close could you see they were the same.
“Oh my lord, fuck off James. This is so- Fucking. I love it. I love you. I love you.” Regulus kisses him. They’ve been doing that a lot now. But James wasn’t complaining.
“James! Regulus! Where’d you fuck off to?!” Sirius yelled. “Best go back,” Regulus said. James smiled. But Regulus didn’t follow James, he ran upstairs so James waited. When Regulus came back he had more presents. James looked at him questionably. “You’ll see in a minute,” was all he got to know.
“There you are, where were you-” Sirius gasped. “More presents?” Regulus smiled. And went to sit down. James’ parents were in the kitchen preparing dessert. “Yes. Well, I saw these and couldn’t help myself.” he said. Regulus started handing them out, one for James, one for Sirius, one for Remus and one for Peter. “But you all have to open them at the same time.”
James started unwrapping his present curiously. But when he saw what it was he choked on his spit. He quickly looked up to see the others equally shocked. Peter looked properly embarrassed, while Sirius and Remus mostly looked confused. Regulus had gotten James a red deer harness with bells. Peter had gotten a rat wheel, Sirius a chewing toy for dogs, and Remus a collar and leash. At last James looked to Regulus who looked as innocent as the devil. But he couldn’t help himself, James started laughing hard.
“Why did I get a collar and leash?” Remus asked. “Because Sirius is your bitch,” Regulus answered simply. That made Remus laugh, he already knew that Regulus knew, since James had told him. And Peter soon joined in. Only Sirius sat frozen in shock, staring at Regulus who smiled back at him.
“How long have you known?” Sirius finally asked. “Since your fourth year.” Regulus answered. “But that was when we did it?” Regulus nodded at that. “Exactly.” Sirius nodded, “Okay, so you know about Moony? And you’re okay with that?” he asked. “Yes I know about Remus, and why wouldn’t I be okay with that?” Regulus answered. “No, I just- Of course you would be, there’s no reason not to be.” Sirius nodded wisely. Regulus nodded back.
“Well, I think this is the perfect timing to give you this then!” James insisted and turned to Regulus. James reached into his pocket and pulled out a small present, he handed it to Regulus and sat back smiling. He could see Regulus was fighting a smile, as if he was proud that James had figured it out. “Wait what?” Peter asked. James only shrugged and continued watching Regulus unwrap the present. When he saw what was inside the box he stopped fighting the smile. He took the object and pulled it out. “What is that?” Sirius asked from where he was sitting on the floor. He couldn’t see it properly.
“It took you long enough.” Regulus deadpanned. But he hadn’t stopped smiling. “Is that? A cat collar?” Remus asked. James smiled proudly. He had bought Regulus a red cat collar, with a small bell. “Great minds think alike,” James said “we’re going to match!” he continued holding up his own red harness.
“Wait! I am so confused. Are you saying- are you an animagus?” Sirius asked Regulus. “Yes Sirius, keep up.” Sirius looked astonished. “So you’re a cat?” Remus asked. Regulus nodded. “How did you figure it out?” Peter asked James. “I’m just better than you all.” James answered flatly. Regulus snorted. “You really are.”
"Oh Merlin, wait! You're a cat!" Sirius suddenly yelled. "Yes?" Sirius suddenly stood up and ran to the kitchen. "Does your parents know about you being animagus' and Remus and all that?" Regulus asked James. "Yeah, we didn't tell them. They figured it out, I still have no idea how," But before anyone could say anything else Sirius came back with James' parents. Who seemed to be the only people who weren't incredibly confused.
"Do you still have the picture?" Sirius asked his brother. Who nodded and pulled the picture out of his pocket. "Great! Stay here! Do no move!" he said firmly. And then disappeared with James' dad into the floo.
The time went by, James' mother only stood in the doorway looked fairly amused at the confused boys. Eventually Sirius came back, but not James' dad.
"Okay, Regulus. Just. Do not freak out." Sirius said. And James' dad came through the floo, holding a box. He carefully handed it over to Regulus who looked nervous. It was a normal cardboard box, and when Regulus opened it James was sure his boyfriend would start crying. "Oh my lord, oh my lord." Regulus whispered. "Sirius what is this?" he continued whispering.
"She's yours." was all Sirius said. Regulus whimpered once before he started full on sobbing. "Oh my- Oh- she's- I- Sirius- I'm- What the fuck- I love her," he choked out between sobs. He reached into the box still sobbing and pulled out a cat. Regulus hugged it carefully, pushing his face into its fur. The cat looked confused but pleased with the attention. "Sirius. I am freaking out." Regulus said. Sirius looked happy.
"Her name is Jane. She's eight years old, healthy except for the amputated tail. But I guess she's healthy because they cut away the sick part. She was abandoned by her last owners, because they hurt her tail and the wound got infected and would have spread to the rest of her if they didn't amputate. And they didn't want to spend money on that. She was found by the side of the road three weeks ago and I saw the article in the paper and thought of you. I remembered how you said you wanted to take care of sick cats when we were younger," he explained.
Regulus' face was still in the cats fur, hugging her closely. "I love her, I love you Sirius, thank you." he said. It came out sort of mumbled considering he was speaking into the side of the cat.
"I don't want to ruin the moment but, please tell me you aren't as obsessed with cats as Rosier?" James said. Everyone looked confused at the question, well everyone except Regulus. He finally removed his face from the cat at looked offended. "Of course not, I'm not crazy."