Hints
- January 6th
James loved that Sirius had gotten Regulus a cat. He really did, because Regulus was so happy. But James also felt a little irritated because Regulus had probably spent more time with the cat than him for the whole holiday. James wasn’t even his new years kiss, the cat was. Although, James would admit that Jane was adorable. She at least liked James, compared to Evans cat from hell.
Speaking of that cat, James had figured out that it only liked Regulus because Regulus also was a cat. And an adorable one at that. Because on the first day of the year Regulus had showed them his animagus form. James thought he would die a little when he did, because he was the cutest cat ever. He was all black, had long fur and his eyes were huge silver globes. But despite Regulus being quite tall as a human, the cat was tiny.
Regulus had almost scratched James when he hadn’t stopped gushing about it. Sirius had turned into Padfoot when Regulus was still a cat. And despite them being brothers James guessed the natural instincts kicked in because Regulus had hissed and climbed James body like a tree until he was sat on his shoulder growling. Peter hadn’t dared turn into Wormtail, he was scared that Regulus would try to kill him. James hadn’t turned either, mostly because the fight between the two Black brothers had been hilarious.
Padfoot had stood on his backfeet trying to reach Regulus, that hadn’t been a good idea because the cat jumped down and started chasing the dog. All around the garden, although they had been careful to not damage anything of James’ dads plants.
James and Regulus had once again discussed when they were going to tell Sirius. They wanted to tell him, but they didn’t just want to throw it onto him and give him a heartattack. So they came up with a plan. James would drop hints, and hopefully Sirius would figure it out himself with time.
They had just gotten back to Hogwarts and was sat in the great hall. Just like James had wanted, Sirius had started asking about his girlfriend. “Soo have you met up with her yet?” he had asked. “No what? Sirius I’ve literally been with you since we left home? When would we have met?” Ever since James told them about his relationship back in November, he had tried to avoid using gendered pronouns. Partly because he didn’t really want to lie but mainly because it just felt wrong.
“Oh I don’t know, can you see her right now?” Sirius continued. James made a point to look around the room, but not actually looking at Regulus. Even though he knew he could see him very well. “Yes,” was all he answered. Sirius had been staring at James intently to try to figure out where he had seen the supposed girlfriend.
“When are you going to introduce us to her?” Sirius continued his questioning. Remus knew who James was dating, but he was always quiet when Sirius started pestering James about it. “I don’t know, when we’re ready.” James answered. “But- can’t we like get a hint?” Bingo. James sighed, mostly to put on a show.
“Pureblood.” was all he said. Sirius gasped and Peter choked on his food, both clearly not expecting James to actually say anything. “Wait really?” James nodded. “She’s pureblood?” Peter asked. Once again, James nodded. “Hmm, are we allowed to guess who it is now?” Sirius asked. James shrugged, “Sure.” And the guessing started. Obviously all wrong, and Remus met James’ eyes. Looking amused, James only shrugged again and Remus gave him a knowing smirk.
- January 13th
James never confirmed or denied when Sirius and Peter would guess who his “girlfriend” was. The girls had also started guessing now that they were allowed to. James always told Regulus about the guesses, they both found them hilarious. Some were absolutely insane.
“Prooongs, your hint sucked. There are too many pureblood girls in this school,” Sirius whined. James nodded and tried to remember the next hint he and Regulus had talked about. “Okay, well, we’re not in the same year,” he said. Peter once again choked on his dinner. “Please tell us you’re not dating a first year?” he pleaded. James made a disgusted face, “What the fuck Wormtail? That is gross.” he said. “Okay good,” Peter nodded. “Did you really think I would date a first year?!” James exclaimed. What the fuck. “No, but I had to make sure, you never know.” Peter explained. But that didn’t feel any better. James did shut up though.
“Okay, well. That isn’t really helping either. What year is she in?” Sirius said. James considered telling him, Regulus had said that hint number two should be year. But James hadn’t wanted to make it that easy that quickly. But now he guessed it couldn’t hurt. “The year under ours,” he sighed. “Ohh, that makes it so much easier to guess!” Sirius said happily. Merlin, at this rate James was the one who was going to have the aneurysm, not Sirius.
- January 28th
The guesses hadn’t stopped. James still wasn’t confirming or denying anything. So as far as anyone knew they could’ve already guessed it, though they hadn’t. Because the guesses were all still girls. James had been talking about his partner from time to time. But it was mostly about how much he loved his them, how happy he was in their relationship, stuff they did or talked about sometimes. James was sure that Sirius could see just how in love he was.
“James it’s been two weeks. Please tell us something more.” Sirius barged into their dorm. Not even a ‘hey’. James frowned. He hadn’t been able to meet up with Regulus for three days and he was moping. Even though his friends constantly tried to guess who he was dating, they still respected his wishes to not check the map whenever James was gone. And to make sure of that, James always brought the map with him when he went to see Regulus. And if he didn’t he made sure Remus was the one who had it. He had used the excuse that Remus was the most sensible one in the group and that James could trust that Remus wouldn’t forget that they weren’t allowed to check it. Sirius and Peter had accepted that.
“Hello.” he muttered. Sirius frowned at James tone. “What’s wrong?” he asked. “Nothing, just tired. What do you want to know?” he asked. “Have I ever met her?” Sirius asked. James only nodded and went back to stare out the window. “Are you sure you’re just tired?” Sirius murmured as he sat down beside James. But he only continued to stare out the window ignoring Sirius’ question.
Truth is, James wasn’t sure what was wrong. And he was tired. But it was also more than that. James was a happy person, he had a great life, and he loved his friends and family more than anything. He really didn’t have a reason to feel like this. Like everything’s too much. Like he’ll soon break if he continues. James wasn’t sad. It just happened that sometimes he felt nothing, he was just empty.
He felt empty right now. And tired. He had tried to blame it on not seeing Regulus. That he was missing his boyfriend. Just like he tried to blame it on the fact that he missed his parents all the other years. In first year it was homesickness. In second year it was also homesickness. In third year it was his parents that he missed. In fourth it was his parents again. In fifth he tried to blame it on the fact that he had given up on getting Lily to go out with him. Last year he used every type of excuse he could come up with, trying to convince himself that he had reasons. Sirius’ situation upset him, he missed his parents, he missed his home, he was stressed over school, he was stressed about the fact that he like a bloke. It was all just excuses. Because James just felt like this for no reason.
It came at random. Waves of emptiness that lasted a few hours or days. He always hid it, and if someone noticed, he had his excuses. Because what would he say really. ‘Sometimes I feel completely empty and that life isn’t worth living. But I don’t know why because I have a great life.’
James was a happy person. So his excuses always worked. ‘I'm was just tired, homework has been a lot and quidditch practice is exhausting.’ That was the best excuse. No-one questioned it. Except Regulus. It was like Regulus could just see through James. He could always tell when something was wrong. Or when nothing was wrong and James just felt wrong. James never had to explain what was going on inside his head, Regulus made sure that James knew that he could tell him if he wanted to. But he never pressured him into talking.
James hadn’t felt this bad even once during their relationship. It just came now. And James hated it. Well, at least that was a feeling. He hated that he didn’t feel anything. Usually it was milder, just over a day and not as bad. Only a few hours, or even under an hour. This however had been going on for five days. But James would like to call himself an actor. Because only Regulus noticed. Well, no, Sirius had too now.
“James?” he ignored it. What would he say? “James? You can talk to me. What’s wrong?” James shook his head. His eyes hadn’t left the grey cloud that were covering the sky. He shrugged. Should he be honest, tell his best friend. James had told his parents about these occurrences, since they happened at home as well. James’ parents knew. Should Sirius know?
“I know I’ve never said anything. But you’re my best friend. I can tell when something’s wrong, I can always tell when you’re feeling down James. I’ve just always thought you would come to me if you wanted to talk about it, so I never said anything, but- you can’t continue keeping it to yourself. It’s hurting you. Please. Tell me, please.” Sirius pleaded.
Okay.
“I just- I don’t really want to be alive today,” he whispered. He could feel Sirius stiffen beside him on the windowsill. “I didn’t want to be alive yesterday either, or the day before that. Last year as well, and the year before that. I think I started feeling that in fourth year. Maybe before, but I didn’t realise it before fourth year. I just don’t want to be alive sometimes. I don’t feel anything sometimes. It's not often but it still happens. I just feel nothing. Nothing at all, just completely empty. It can last days, I think maybe weeks at times. But when it lasts more than a week I get used to it and forget that I shouldn’t feel that. Or, well, I forget that I should feel. Since I don’t feel.” James explained simply. He still didn’t look at Sirius.
“ I- James, ” he whispered. “I had no idea,” he continued. James shrugged. “It’s not like I showed it did I?” he said. “No, you definitely didn’t, don’t, I- James. This is serious.” James smirked. But Sirius interrupted before he could make the pun. “No, this is not the time for jokes. James, does your parents know about this?” Sirius asked firmly. “Yeah,” James answered. “Okay, okay good. I don’t actually know what I can do except tell you that- I’m always here for you James. You can always talk to me, about anything, and if you don’t want to talk I’m going to sit with you in quiet, okay?” he whispered. James nodded. It felt nice, to actually have said it out loud. “Okay.” James looked at Sirius, his eyes glistened.
“Do you want a hug?” Sirius whispered. James did want a hug. So he nodded. And they hugged until Peter entered the dorm looking extremely confused. But none the less he joined the hug, and soon after Remus entered. He didn’t even question it before he also joined the group hug. James felt sad now. Which was a nice difference. James cried silently as his friends hugged him.
- February 14th
It was Valentines day. And also a Tuesday. Which meant that James was sat in his last class, which was potions. James wasn’t bad at the subject, he just didn’t enjoy it particularly much. It was one of Regulus’ favourite subjects though, other than Care of Magical Creatures. James thought Regulus might want to be a Magizoologist after Hogwarts. Considering his love for the subject, and animals over all.
Regulus had one more class after James, which meant that James would go down to their dorm and wait for him there. He’d finished Pride and Prejudice a while ago. So he might just cuddle Jane. But he still had to endure the last minutes of potions before he could do that.
“So, do you have any plans with the lover?” Sirius asked while stirring the potion that was boiling in the cauldron. James smiled softly, “Yeah, or well, we’re just going to hang out,” he said. Not really wanting to expose the real plans he had made. Sirius snorted, “Wow, romantic, jeez.”
“But, because it is such a special day, can I have another hint on who it is?” Sirius asked sweetly. James smirked, he and Regulus had agreed to expose the house he was in. They knew Sirius had been dying for another hint. “Well, I guess. Since you asked so sweetly. What do you want to know?” James answered. “Who is it?” Sirius asked jokingly. “No, okay. Uhm, what house are they in?” Spot on. But James was slightly nervous. “Slytherin,” he whispered. Sirius froze at that. “Slytherin?” he asked quietly. James nodded. “Yeah, Slytherin.” Sirius slowly relaxed, “Okay.” was all he said. “Okay?” James asked. “Yeah, okay. As Regulus said this summer, we can’t villainize a whole house. And if they make you happy then that is what matters the most right?” he said. James smiled. “Yeah, thanks.” he said softly.
- February 14th
Sirius was sprinting. James had left him for his plans with his partner. And Sirius had rushed to the Gryffindor commonroom. The full moon was last night and Remus had felt too bad to attend classes. Which was why Sirius was running. Because he had to get there as quick as he could, so that he could talk to Remus before Peter arrived. Because Sirius left him in the classroom. It was a little rude but this was important.
“Moony! Moony!” he yelled running up the stairs to their dorm. He opened the door and snuck in. “Moony?” he asked. Remus was sat at the open window smoking a cigarette. He looked slightly confused. “Hello Sirius?” Sirius locked the door and did a silencing charm. “Remus, I have important information!” he yelled. Remus jumped slightly, and Sirius quickly went to kiss him. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled. Hello, love.” he said sweetly. Remus smiled.
“It’s fine. So what is this important information that you have?” Sirius sat down and snatched the cig out of Remus’ hand. Taking a drag himself. “Okay, so. I will tell you the reasons first, and then what my theory is. Okay?” Remus nodded. “Okay, so James told me today that his partner’s a Slytherin.” he paused to see Remus’ reaction. But there wasn’t any. “Are you not shocked at that?” he asked. “No, not really. It could be the reason they haven’t told anyone.” Remus said. “But- okay yeah. But! Listen, the person is a Slytherin, a year under us, I have met them, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed but James almost never used gendered terms when talking about his so called ‘girlfriend’” Sirius explained. Remus looked slightly startled.
“Right! So I think that maybe, James doesn’t have a girlfriend. I think there is a possibility that James has a boyfriend.” he said slowly to see Remus’ reaction. Which was now shocked. “But, there aren’t many Slytherin guys in the year under us?” Remus asked. “Exactly! Have you noticed how much James knows about Regulus’ friends, Crouch and Rosier?” Remus nodded awkwardly. “Yeah, and have you noticed that Crouch kind of flirts with James in the corridors?” Remus nodded again. Sirius had been shocked the first time it happened. It was in the middle of November and Barty had just yelled in the middle of the corridor ‘Hey Potter! Nice ass!’ James had blushed like an idiot. But Sirius hadn’t really thought anything about it, he just thought Barty had been joking. “What exactly are you saying Sirius?” Remus asked with a frown.
“I think Crouch is James’ secret ‘girlfriend’.”
- February 14th, 11.00pm
James and Regulus were laying on a blanket in the forbidden forest. They were having a picnic. It had been James’ idea, they had stayed in Regulus’ dorm until dark and then he snuck them both out. They were lucky as well, because the sky was clear and the stars were bright.
James had led the way to a clearing. They had the perfect view of the stars. Regulus would’ve been fine with just spending time with James in his dorm, but this was perfect. They weren't cold either, thanks to the heating charm James had done. They had been talking about their days and now James was explaining what had happened in his potions lesson.
“So I told him the house, Slytherin, and he just completely froze. I really thought he had figured it out just by that, but then he relaxed and was fine with it.” he explained. “Hmm, that’s good.” Regulus hummed. His head was on James’ chest. “Yeah, he said that we shouldn’t villainize a whole house, you know like you said. But he said something that I- I didn’t really realise it at first.” Regulus could hear James’ heart beat quicker. Regulus sat up to properly look at James.
“What did he say?” he asked. “Well, we were just talking. And he asked me what my plans with ‘my lover’ was. And I didn’t think of the word he’d used because like, it’s a normal word for the person you’re dating. But then, he started using gender-neutral pronouns. Saying ‘they’ instead of ‘she’. I didn’t even realise it at first, it wasn’t until I was in your dorm actually thinking about what he had said that I realised.” James explained while looking at Regulus.
“So, he’s catching on? Noticing that you aren’t saying girlfriend?” he asked. James nodded, “Yeah, I think so.” Regulus took James’ hand and laid down beside him. Looking up at the stars. “How does that feel?” he asked softly. “I- I don’t know, I think I feel fine. I mean I want him to figure it out, but it’s a little scary,” he answered. Regulus only hummed. “Like, I know he’ll be fine with the whole bloke thing, but that it’s you? I mean, his best friend and little brother in a relationship. I think he might actually poison me.” Regulus snorted.
“Oh no he won’t. He loves you too much, he could never hurt you. And he hasn’t figured it out yet so just stay calm,” Regulus said. “But, Regulus when I tell him it’s a bloke, he will definitely know that it is you. There are three guys in your year that are Slytherins. And it’s you and your two friends. Do you really think he’ll think I’m dating Rosier or Crouch?” James exclaimed. Regulus hummed amused.
“Mmm, I mean, he probably would think that you and Barty are dating. He’s constantly flirting with you, he really has no shame.” James huffed. “Do you really think Sirius’ first thought would be Barty?” Regulus turned to look at James.
“Yes. I think Sirius would think that, because I’m his baby brother and you’re his best friend. And those definitely can not be in a relationship, that is impossible.” James chuckled. “Mhm, should I tell him tomorrow? That I have a boyfriend, not a girlfriend. Now I really want to know if he thinks I’m dating Barty.” Regulus laughed, “Oh yes, please do. If you’re comfortable with it.” He moved to lay on top of James. He moved his head closer to James’. Their lips were brushing against each other, but Regulus pulled back slightly. “James?” his boyfriend hummed with his eyes closed. “You called him Barty.” Regulus whispered before crashing their lips together.
- February 17th
James had decided he wanted to wait until Friday to tell Sirius about his boyfriend. Which was today. Regulus had asked Barty to flirt with James more obviously than before, and James could practically see how hard Sirius was trying not ask anything. James had told Regulus that he would tell Sirius and the others after dinner, and if he could he would come to his dorm to tell him what had happened. They’d made a bet, Regulus thought Sirius would think James was seeing Barty and James thought Sirius would figure out he was seeing his brother. Loser had to massage the other for an hour.
But now that they were in the dorm and James was supposed to say it, he was freaking out. Remus was reading on his bed with Sirius resting on his chest. Peter was sat on his bed drawing and James was on his own bed. Breathing.
“Sirius? You awake?” he asked. Sirius only grumbled in answer. “Okay, good. I need to tell you guys something,” he continued. This caught Sirius attention, and he sat up straight. Remus put away hid book and Peter put away his pencil. Now everyone's attention was on James. Fuck. “Go on,” Peter urged. “Yeah mate, you know you can tell us anything,” Sirius said. James nodded.
“Yeah, yeah. Okay, so you know how I’m in a relationship?” he started. Sirius nodded and Remus smiled knowingly. James always forgot Remus knew, what the fuck. “Wait, are you going to say that you lied and that you aren’t seeing anyone? Because I really can not lose the bet I made.” Peter chimed in. James frowned. “What the fuck. No, I didn’t lie about the relationship part.” Peter nodded, “Good. Go on.”
“No. You bet on me?” he said. “Well, not directly. But some asshole said that you were probably lying and that you sent the letters to yourself and stuff. But I told him that you weren’t and then he was like ‘yeah sure, bet’ and I couldn’t really do anything other than bet against him because it would look very suspicious if I didn’t.” Peter explained. “Oh, oh, that’s sweet actually. Thanks for standing up for me Wormy.” Peter nodded and sent a flying kiss jokingly.
“Well, okay so. I didn’t lie about my relationship. Because I am in a relationship, and I am very happy. But-” shit, it was almost easier telling his parents. “But I don’t have a girlfriend.” he finished. Only looking at Remus since he was the only one who knew since before. He smiled warmly at James. “I knew it!” Sirius exclaimed. James startled. “Yeah me too mate.” Peter said. “You weren’t very sneaky with all the gender-neutral terms,” James only gaped at them. Peter took a sip of his water as he shrugged at James face.
“I am truly happy that you told us James, and I am so happy that you are happy. But- is your boyfriend- Crouch?” Sirius asked. Peter choked on his water and James’ head snapped to look at Sirius. Remus had put his face in his hands and looked like he was laughing. James probably looked frightened. “What?!” was all he could choke out. Regulus had been right. Was Sirius really that much in denial?
“It’s totally okay mate. I mean, if he treats you right I can probably maybe like him, maybe,” Sirius said. “What- I- No- what the fuck?” James couldn’t get out a proper sentence. “What?” Sirius asked. “Sirius,” Remus whispered, “he’s not seeing Crouch.” Sirius looked at his boyfriend.
James had put his face in his hands, copying Remus’ previous stance. Only he wasn’t laughing. He was debating whether or not he should tell Regulus he was right. His arms were going to be goo after that massage. An hour?! Why did he agree to that? Fuck, he was going to give Regulus the best massage of his life.
“But there are only three sixth year blokes in Slytherin? And I know for a fact that Rosier has a girlfriend. So if he’s not seeing Crouch. Then that only leaves- my brother.” Sirius slowly came to the realisation. “My brother?” he choked out. “You’re shagging my brother?!” James whimpered. Sirius wasn’t incorrect but James didn’t really prefer that wording. “I- I’m so- confused?” Sirius continued. “How did I not realise? How long has this been going on?” he asked James. He finally looked up from his hands. But he looked at Peter first, who didn’t look shocked at all. Then he turned his head to Sirius.
“Like, since I guess officially, the end of August?” he mumbled. Sirius looked like fish, James wasn’t really sure what to do or say. So he stayed quiet, while spinning the golden ring that was on his left ring finger. Sirius noticed the motion and gasped. “Please don’t tell me you’re engaged?!” he screeched. “What? No! They’re just rings Sirius.” But Sirius didn’t look convinced. “Just rings? My brother has one that looks exactly like that right? Only silver instead of gold?” James nodded. “Yeah, so matching rings. James. Are they promise rings?” he asked a little softer. James nodded again. Sirius took a deep breath.
“So I’m guessing I was the only one who didn’t know?” he asked. And James got confused. But both Remus and Peter agreed. “I found out before the were even official.” Remus said. “Yeah, I saw them kiss during the Christmas holidays. I wasn't actually sure if they were together though, could've kissed just because,” Peter said. “And no-one bothered to tell me?” Sirius breathed out. “Well, it wouldn’t have been fair to out James like that, even if you are his best friend.” Remus explained and Peter nodded in agreement.
“Thanks guys. And, we wanted to tell you Sirius but- I guess- I mean we haven’t told anyone except my parents. Everyone else who knows found out on accident. We wanted you to be the first to know,” James said. Sirius nodded. “Yeah no, I- I get it. I’m happy for you. It was probably good you waited because if you would’ve told me like in October or whatever I’m sure I would’ve had an aneurysm.” Remus snorted, “That’s what I said!”
“Thank you, for being okay with it,” James whispered. “Yeah, but if you hurt him you’re dead. And if he hurts you he’s dead. Can you call him here, do you have like a secret lettersystem or something?” he said seriously. James nodded.
“Oh lord, Sirius if you had read the letters Regulus sent before Christmas you would’ve been dead right now. Those were traumatizing.” Remus insisted. Sirius looked like he was going to cry. “Did my brother sexmail James?” he whispered. “Yes!” Remus answered all too happy.
James quickly sent away the letter that would soon notify Regulus that he would have to come to the Gryffindor commonroom. He cringed and turned to look at Sirius. “Those weren’t actually serious, he was only joking.”
“Oh so he didn’t fuck you so good that you were able to see the future? Or push his cock so deep in your arse that you would be able to feel it in yo-” Remus asked innocently. But was interrupted by a screaming Sirius. “AHHH! LALALA! STOP! STOP! STOP!” he screeched while covering his ear with his hands and shutting his eyes aggressively. James wasn’t sure why he closed his eyes. But he knew that a very uncomfortable conversation would occur when Regulus arrived.
“Huh. I didn’t take you for a bottom James.”, “Peter!”, “Yes Peter! Think before you speak. They probably switch.”, “Remus!”