five
The date that Leah had agreed to go on was with a girl called Gabriella. She lived in London too. She was a nice girl, slightly smaller than Leah. Brunette hair, brown eyes. Despite feeling a bit hesitant at first, she said yes for going to dinner with the girl. They first met while Leah was waiting for her appointment at the dentist. She had her check-up and Gabriella came and sat next to her. The room was silent at first, until the brunette spoke up and said something about how she hates the dentist. It wasn’t hard for Leah to disagree - she hates it more than anything. But it’s something she has to do. They talked until Leah was called in, and that’s when they said a short goodbye. She wasn’t expecting to see the girl again.
That was until they accidently met again a couple of weeks later in a small coffee shop nearby to Arsenal’s training facility. Leah had been put in charge of getting a few of her teammates some coffee for one of their recent away trips, and as she paid for her drinks and turned around, she bumped into Gabriella. That’s when she was asked out for dinner.
She told herself it was time to move on from whatever she was feeling, to give someone else a chance. Gabriella was nice, funny, and easy to talk to and Leah had enjoyed their initial conversation. Gabriella had an infectious laugh and a lightness about her - it reminded her of someone.
But as they sat down for dinner at a cosy Italian restaurant, Leah couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. Not with Gabriella - Gabriella was lovely - but with herself. The more Gabriella smiled at her and chatted away, the more Leah found herself slipping into her own head.
The place reminded her of her blonde teammate. Leah knows Alessia loves this restaurant, as the team went here for her birthday meal last year. She just couldn’t escape her.
Gabriella’s voice pulled Leah back to the present, her words a little softer now, laced with concern.
“Leah?” Gabriella’s voice softened, pulling her back again. “Are you okay? You seem a little... distracted.”
Leah blinked and tried to smile, but it felt tight. “Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry. Just a bit tired, I guess. It’s been a long week.”
Gabriella studied her for a moment, her eyes searching Leah’s face. “You sure? You’ve barely touched your food.”
Leah's mind raced. Should she tell her? It wasn’t Gabriella’s fault - she hadn’t done anything Leah glanced down at her plate, realizing she hadn’t eaten much. The pasta in front of her had become a blur. Her stomach felt heavy, and she could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She was panicking, and she didn’t know why. It wasn’t Gabriella’s fault but all Leah could think about was Alessia. She had been avoiding the truth for too long, and now it was crashing down on her.
“I think I need a minute,” Leah said quickly, her voice coming out a little more strained than she intended. “I’ll be right back.”
Without waiting for Gabriella to reply, Leah stood up abruptly, walking towards the back of the restaurant, her breath coming in quick, shallow bursts. She pushed open the bathroom door and locked herself inside a stall, leaning against the cool wall. She slid down until she was sitting on the floor, her arms wrapped around her knees.
What was wrong with her?
She hadn’t even realised how much her emotions had gotten the best of her until now. She had genuinely wanted to give Gabriella a chance, wanted to see if she could build something new. But every time she tried to focus on the present, Alessia's face would slip into her thoughts like an intruder.
What if she’s made a mistake?
Leah closed her eyes, feeling a wave of frustration rise in her chest. She had tried to move on, tried to convince herself that she could be happy with someone else. And now, with this date, it felt like Leah had put herself in a situation she wasn’t ready for.
The thought of Alessia, smiling at her in that knowing way, the way she’d laughed with her during training, all the moments they shared, they had never stopped meaning something, even if Leah had tried to ignore it.
Leah’s breath hitched as a wave of panic took over. She couldn’t stay here, in this place, pretending. Pretending that everything was fine when it was so clearly not. It was all too much, too fast.
For a moment, Leah considered just walking out. But that wasn’t her. She wasn’t a coward, and she couldn’t do that to Gabriella, who had been kind enough to show up tonight.
After a few minutes, Leah splashed her face with cold water, trying to steady herself. When she looked into the mirror, she didn’t recognize the person staring back at her. She was exhausted.
Finally, she took a deep breath and when she stepped back outside, Gabriella was sitting there, patiently waiting.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Gabriella asked softly, a tenderness in her voice. “You don’t have to pretend.”
Leah swallowed, forcing herself to smile. Maybe she’ll just get through this.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m really sorry about that. I guess I just needed a moment to clear my head.”
Gabriella smiled, though the concern never fully left her face. “It’s alright. I get it. Do you want to keep going? Or maybe we could call it a night?”
Leah hesitated. She wasn’t sure she could do this. The question wasn’t whether she wanted to stay, she wasn’t sure if she even should.
"Maybe we should... call it a night," Leah said softly, her words heavy.
Gabriella nodded, standing up. "Of course. I understand."
“I’m so sorry.” Leah said.
“Don’t worry about it, honestly. It was nice to meet you… friends?”
Leah sighed, relieved. “Of course, yeah. See you around.”
“Bye Leah.”
Leah made her way home, she didn’t know if she felt embarrassed or not. But she had no time to wallow in self-pity. They had a very important game against Man City in the afternoon, and she needed to be in the right headspace for it.
Beth, Steph and Lia all knew about her date after she eventually had enough of them pestering her about it. What was she supposed to tell them? She couldn’t say she had a panic attack, if that’s what you could call her display earlier. She’d think of something. But right now, she just wanted to sleep.
She had to be at the training facility really early to meet up with the team so they could drive to Manchester by bus. She was dreading the journey, and she just hoped that her friends won’t push too far tomorrow.
Forget her feelings - they needed to win.
****
Arsenal made their way from London to Manchester. The air was still thick with the kind of quiet that only exists before a big match. It was just past 7am, and though the players were used to early starts, this felt particularly long. A noon kick-off meant the team had to be up before the sun had even fully risen, and the weight of the game was already pressing on them.
Leah sat with her head resting against the window, her eyes flickering in and out of focus as she stared out at the passing scenery. The night before had been a long one, but not for the reasons people might think. She still hadn’t told the girls about how dinner went, and she doesn’t plan to.
Across the aisle, Alessia sat with her arms crossed, her gaze directed out the window but not really seeing anything. Her mood had been off ever since yesterday morning. She had tried to push it aside, but now, sitting here, the frustration and confusion seemed to sit heavy in her chest.
Kyra, ever the chatterbox, was sitting across from Lotte, talking with her as if there was nothing more important in the world than this bus ride to Manchester. But Leah was only half-listening to the conversation. When Lotte turned to ask her if she was excited about the match, Leah gave a tired smile, the kind of smile that said she was trying to stay engaged but was, in reality, too worn out to care much.
“I’m just looking forward to getting there and getting started, honestly,” Leah mumbled, blinking her tired eyes. She reached for her water bottle, then asked quietly, “Is it alright if I sit with you?”
Lotte looked up from her conversation with Kyra and grinned. “Of course!” she said, making space on the seat next to her. Leah moved without a second thought, sliding into the spot next to Lotte and across from Alessia.
The bus fell into a comfortable silence, the kind where only the noise of the engine and the soft sounds of players shifting in their seats filled the air. Kyra was still chatting away, but Leah couldn’t help but notice the tension that seemed to have settled around Alessia like a heavy blanket. She was no longer engaging in the conversation, not even offering a halfhearted comment. Leah glanced at her, wondering if it was the exhaustion of the early morning, or if something else was going on.
After a few moments of quiet, Leah cleared her throat. “You alright, Less?” she asked softly, her voice laced with genuine concern.
Alessia didn’t look up right away. She was fiddling with her phone, tapping absentmindedly on the screen, before glancing out the window again. “Yeah,” she replied shortly. “Just tired.”
But Leah wasn’t convinced. She knew Alessia better than that. There was something more in her tone, something that didn’t add up.
The more she thought about it, the more Leah felt the pang of guilt. It felt like their friendship was on the line. Was that because of her? She rewinds back to the past few days, wondering if she's said something or done something to make Alessia feel hurt. Other than all of their training sessions she hadn’t really seen her. They had a little moment whilst watching the team against Bristol on the bench - but that was about it.
And then it clicks in her head. Alessia had asked to speak to Leah. She looked nervous, hesitant even. And when she was just about to speak, Leah went and followed Katie. What if she told the brunette to wait? What if she stayed and listened to what Alessia had to say. Now looking back, it seemed important, and Leah can’t believe it. She can’t believe she really did that. And not coming back to find Alessia sooner? That wasn’t her at all.
Trying to smooth things over, Leah said quietly, “You know, I didn’t mean to... I didn’t mean to disappear the other day. I really hope it wasn’t anything important. I’m sorry about that.”
But it was.
Alessia finally met her eyes for a brief second, before looking back down at her phone, the edge in her posture saying everything without her needing to speak. She didn’t say anything, but her silence was louder than words.
Lotte, sensing the tension, looked between Leah and Alessia, her face unreadable. Kyra, completely oblivious, was still talking as if nothing had changed. But Leah knew. She knew something was off.
She had to do something. She needed to speak with Alessia and they needed to talk. But right now, they don’t exactly have time for that. And it’s very obvious Alessia doesn’t want to speak to Leah, so she stood up and left them alone.
Lia was alone, reading one of her new books that she had recently bought. She sat down next to the midfielder and leaned on her shoulder, Lia didn’t seem to mind, unphased by it all, but she asked Leah if she was okay and all Leah could do was sigh and nod.