It's ok
"We come to love not by finding a perfect person...but loving an imperfect person perfectly."
-Unknown
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The introduction of the sun meant little to Sirius. He'd worked robotically since realization had dawned on him and there had been little proof he -or anyone else- had ever set foot in the house, let alone lived there. Items had been cleared from view, drawers shone like stars that Sirius had so often watched in the sky, and the dorm sat perfectly. Yet, it seemed eerily quiet; mirroring the emptiness that the usually jovial prankster felt. Everyone perceived this as beautiful but all he could see was the vast emptiness of joy, the absence of proof that they had lived and thrived in this place.
Hands wrapped themselves around his middle as thoughts strangled his mind. Forcing himself to calm down, Sirius tried to forget everything he hated about himself, banish every thought that was circling in his mind. He hated how his hands shook with exhaustion when he’d only worked for a few hours, how his body flinched when his nothing but kind lover wrapped his arms around him.
"Look who's becoming an early bird," Remus mumbled softly, hands still circling his lover's waist. Sirius nearly laughed at the comparison for his brain felt full of worms, eager to eat away at his worth and exhaust him to the point of numbness just as they had done once before.
Thousands of replies were ready to be said but for once none of them sounded right. None of them were worthy to be said out loud. Lost in the old corridors of his dreary house he was choking on the memories a simple cleaning spree could bring up. The memories of the work he'd done there just to stay alive.
Remus blinked away the exhaustion that hung around his frame. Sleep still lay heavy in his eyes and the only reason he'd been forced to lift himself from the safe haven of his bed was the absence of the other inhabitant.
Getting up before noon was a miracle that rarely occurred in the dorm room and in the instances it did. It was usually followed by lazy smiles and long cuddles. Never had either chosen to simply leave the other, but on close inspection, Remus was starting to question whether Sirius had even been to bed in the beginning.
"Have you slept at all Padfoot?" He questioned voice softening at each word as he noticed the glazed look and frail state of his lover.
Sirius nodded absentmindedly only he's nickname registering properly in his mind. Padfoot. James had called him that almost angrily when he had fumbled up a prank with his loud footsteps startling the sleeping professor. The name had stuck in a way the memory hadn't for him for like every other experience it seemed to have slipped away from grasp just as trauma sneaked its way in.
Remus was scared at the sight of the complete blankness on his lover's face for it was one that he had seen only a few times before. Questions spilled from his lips but he was unsure of what they asked, unsure of what left his lips because worry - like a thousand bees- had managed to invade his mind in dozens.
Remus was still talking, questions and comfort tumbling out of his mouth in an uneasy pattern his hands clutching Sirius' own in a gentle way. Somehow, he managed to steer Sirius to the couch and fish out his headphones from a nearby drawer searching through the songs to find the right one. "Sirius, love one second ok? it's all fine, I'm right here," a quick brushing of hands not severe enough to startle the raven-haired boy, "I'm putting the headphones on you right now ok? Can you nod for me? Is that fine?" rambling worked almost as well as the hypnotizing beats of the music and it stirred the elder Black out of his trance for long enough to nod.
Slipping the music onto his boyfriend's ears, Remus settled on the other side of the couch his hands twitching to reach out and comb Sirius' hair and comfort him with the love he deserved. Controling the constant urge to help was difficult for him most of the time. Reaching out to help others was a reflex for the caramel-haired boy. An action built into his very being since the beginning, but sometimes his actions weren’t always useful to all.
"M'sorry," Sirius mumbled softly a couple of minutes later. "That was stupid and I shouldn't hav-"
"We talked about this Siri," Remus sighed, "You don't have to apologize, I'm here for all this shit. I'm here so you don't always have to be alone. It's not only your responsibility to look after yourself now. We share that task no matter how big it becomes sometimes." The wiser leaned over, entangling his fingers in his lover's unusually messy hair.
It's a painful reminder for Remus to say out loud because he knows that he's completely surrendered himself and his countless problems to the boy beside him. Sure, Sirius had a few rollercoaster moments of attacks and emotions but compared to the constant health problems that Remus faced every other day it was practically nothing.
The bondage they shared with each other was strong, but sometimes Remus fear that if he pulled on the knot for too long it would unravel leaving both with nothing but frayed rope and nostalgic memories. It was terrifying to even consider and worse to accept it as a reality.
Compared to the lengthy doctor visits and constant medication the few assuring kisses that Remus had to give his boyfriend were nothing and he was scared that perhaps Sirius thought of him as nothing.
Nothing important at all
"Do you want to tell me what's wrong now?" Remus whispered, stirring himself out of the painful theories to stare at the shattered but still worried expression of his lover. But the raven-haired boy said nothing, only inching closer and resting his exhausted head on Remus’ prickly sweater.
His shoulders began to shake almost instantly after, and the scarred boy began to stroke the younger’s hair as his own tears dripped onto the sofa.
"It's ok," Remus whispered, unsure of whom he was trying to comfort.