And I won’t wait here all day
“I’m fine Sirius, go to your friends” Regulus lies stiffly, staring up at the ceiling and shivering, but not from the cold. From what he could have done.
He swallows away the nausea and looks to his brother who sits in the chair beside his bed. There are dark bags under his eyes, and his hair which is usually so neat now lies messily, too many hairs out of place.
“No” is the stubborn reply and Regulus wants to roll his eyes, scoff, telling him to fuck off, break down into his arms again.
“Your boyfriend needs you”
“Remus is knocked out”
“I was talking about Potter”
“Ha ha you’re truly hilarious”
“Shut up you’re giving me a headache” Sirius scoffs quietly, and Regulus smiles the finest smile. He won that round. But then Sirius clears his throat
“Are we going to talk about it?” And Regulus wants to go back and drown himself in the lake, let the ground swallow him whole. He closes his eyes and tries to sound as bored as he can
“Talk about what?”
“Talk about wha- Reg are you serious?” His brother squawks, outraged
“No you are” he smirks when he hears Sirius mumble “oh very clever” sarcastically under his breath. But then sighs really not wanting to have this conversation.
“Reg-“
“Don’t call me that. You don’t get to call me that” he says it harshly, the anger suddenly spiking through him. Because it hurts, it hurts that he can call him that, it hurts because Sirius has a unique way of saying it, something so unlike the way Barty, Pandora even James says it. There Is something so nostalgic and underlying French about it. Something that makes him think of innocence and love and being young, free.
Something he has tried to be rid of, something his mother tried to curse out of him, something that Sirius took. He doesn’t get to call him that, not when he left, he left, he left.
Maybe Sirius looks hurt, or disappointed or indifferent but Regulus doesn’t know. He’s exhausted, he woke up with aching limbs and a headache. He’s so utterly and entirely exhausted.
“Sorry” is the quiet reply he gets, and he doesn’t know whether to be relived or disappointed. “I just-you scared me Reg-Regulus” but then he takes a breath and gets rid of the shakiness in his voice. He had always been the better one at hiding his feelings. “So no, I’m not going to leave you here when you basically collapsed into my arms-“
“Ok that’s dramatic, I didn’t collapse-“
“Merlin, I’m the dramatic one? Have you seen yourself”
“Oh and where do you think I got it from?”
“God you are insufferable”
“I’m insufferable that is rich coming from-“ the curtain is ripped harshly open, and the face of a disgruntled Barty graces their presence
“Merlin! Do you two ever shut up? I forgot what it was like before you two started ignoring each other, and quite frankly I don’t miss it.” He huffs out a breath before eying them both “for the sake of all of us, could you please shut up”
Both brothers stare at him shock, turn to stare at each other with matching wide grey eyes and then promptly turn back around to Barty who is grimacing and flicking his eyes between them both, already certain on what is about to happen.
“Excuse me?”
“Im sorry what?”
“He was the one that was-”
“I’m your friend-”
Barty looks up and mutters a “why do I even try” before turning away and shutting the curtains again (rather aggressively Regulus decides)
“Well he was rude” Is what Sirius says and Regulus feels his lip twitch. He could stick up for Barty (he’s always been petty)
“Finally, we agree on something” is what he says instead, and they both smile before turning away and jus sitting/ lying there in silence.
Regulus feels something in him uncurl, something in him finally breathes.
By the end of the day, almost everyone had been discharged except for Mulciber, Regulus, Remus and James.
“And you remember nothing at all?” he’s currently sitting on his hospital bed, Sirius next to him as Madam Promfrey and McGonnagal stand in front and look at him with concern in their eyes. When he shakes his head, the women share a look before turning back to him. “Mr Potter, sometimes in threatening situations we try to protect ourselves as best as we can, there is no medical reason for your…state at the time, no head injury or spell cast your way. The only logical explanation is that you detached yourself in some way in order to not feel what you were feeling. To protect yourself”
“But what does this mean?” Sirius asks worryingly, not having left his side since he had found James awake. James takes his hand and tries to comfort him. Peter sits on the seat beside Remus looking equally worried for James. McGonnagal sighs
“Although it is concerning, there isn’t much we can do except hope it is a one-off thing and won’t happen again” Both Sirius and Peter seem unhappy with the reply but seem aware this is nothing else they can do.
James sighs, feeling just as on edge and off as he did earlier, but less overwhelmed with his friends there and after hearing the condition Regulus is in. “He’s fine, should be out by the morning, just tired and needs some rest” Sirius had said, trying to act like he didn’t care but not fooling either him or Peter who had scoffed and said “really convincing pads” which landed with him receiving a playful hit to the head
Soon McGonnagal is kicking them all out, telling Sirius and Peter to come with her to her office and James well “seeing as you did not participate or have any interference I suppose you had no part in this. You are free to go back you your dormitory Mr Potter”
And that’s how he finds himself standing outside the closed curtain which he is 70% sure holds a Regulus Black within it and not one Mulciber.
Feeing nervous, James peeks his head into the curtain and seeing Regulus sitting there reading a book he allows himself in. When Regulus doesn’t notice or acknowledge him he clears his throat “knock knock” he says before internally cringing at his corniness.
However a second later when Regulus’ head snaps up and James sees the delighted smile the boy is wearing he doesn’t quite mind making a fool out of himself. Regulus chuckles, spluttering and his eyes are shining.
They are pools of malted silver, glistening under the sun’s stare, they are so entrancing and James finds himself helplessly enraptured.
“James! I-I thought” he seems to stop himself, flustered slightly before gathering himself. “Are you ok?”
James didn’t think anything could feel as good as having Regulus Black worry for him, having him so obviously elated to see him ok. He would have himself hurt a hundred times over just to see that relief and beautiful smile Regulus wears now. He looks young here, so very young.
James just grins before walking forward, and then smirks when Regulus gets confused when he completely bypasses the chair instead hopping next to him on the bed.
“What are you doing?” He looks so stiff, hands clutching the book, James rests his head on the wall, rolling it towards the other boy.
“Keeping you company”
“Have you ever heard of personal space? People tend to like theirs being respected” James immediately flushes, an apology on his tongue practically ready to jump out of the bed.
He feels so utterly stupid and ashamed, he knows what Sirius was like before he got more comfortable, and here James was completely getting in his space-
“Wait, stop no” Regulus splutters, his hand reaching for James. And he just turns, staring at those grey eyes with confusion. Regulus looks down, ringlets falling in front of his face. “It was a joke Potter, you can stay” when James stays rock still (he’s frozen with awe) Regulus quickly backtracks “I mean if you wanted to, obviously you don’t have to-“
“Regulus” the boy next to him immediately shuts up, a harsh exhale leaving his lips. James smiles softly before leaning back and getting relaxed. Soon Regulus follows his lead and leans back, slowly the tension leaving his body. “So, whatcha reading this time oh Hermes”
Regulus raises an eyebrow, astounded “do you just know all the Greek gods from the top of your head?”
James bits his lip, smile so wide. Regulus is watching him keenly, and James feels himself at perfect ease. “My mum used to tell me all the stories” his smile widens fondly “she loved them, and of course me being me I always thought Zeus was the best, but she” he sighs sadly “she told me about all the smaller gods, all the minor ones like Hermes, god of literature, she taught me to appreciate them all”
“She taught me to understand the difference between physical strength and strength, she made me know all the goddesses too and told me they were all much stronger than the gods” that earns a small chuckle from Regulus who is watching him with interest.
“That sounds nice” is what the boy replies, before grimacing “much nicer than the fond memories I have of my mother” he looks down at the blanket, which his fingers are carefully fiddling with “you know being drowned in a bath tub definitely makes top 3”
James lets in a breath, he doesn’t know how to do this. Because this isn’t Sirius, who he knows needs a couple of minutes smoking and some physical affection, this isn’t Remus who needs a distraction before completing ranting until he has worn himself out, this isn’t Peter who needs a walk or a chess game where he can take his time speaking with lots of deflections.
So he waits patiently, he waits sitting there with his shoulder touching Regulus’ “you see it used to be funny because me and sir- we had opposite fears. He was terrified of fire, absolutely hated using the floo “ as if despite his want, his lips slowly begin to form a small smile. “Whereas I was terrified of water, but your not allowed to have fears because they lead to weakness” “so well you get rid of the fear, by trapping your son around a ring of fire and leaving him to sob and get burns all over his body or by holding your son down in a tub or leaving him in a dark room with a spell that makes the water levels slowly rise” Regulus suddenly grows stiff, unable to look at James “sorry not exactly what you want to hear”
“Reg-“
“Anyway I think it’s quite ironic actually” James shuts his mouth, feeling like whatever part of Regulus that he’s being able to see is precious, is fragile, is special. “That you insulted me about liking books when in fact you James Potter, are a complete nerd”
James lets out a surprised laugh, not really registering what he is doing before he has poked Regulus in the stomach “hey! You can’t call me a nerd, I’m cool”
Regulus jumps at the contact, making a noise which James can’t help but find entirely too adorable “you are!” He’s laughing too, retaliating by poking James back. “What ever made you think you were cool?”
James forgets about the fact that he can’t remember what happened, forgets that he is entirely lost, lost, lost, that he should be scared, that he should care that he is falling into the trap that is Regulus Black, that despite not wanting to, his heart has opened up, that it’s begun to shed and grow and soften. That without wanting to, his heart has begun to make room for another, its begun to forget the hurt and tears and make room for more.
But he forgets all of that, too focused on the star in front of him to worry about anything else, anything that is smaller than the clouds of dust that are scattered across galaxies.
He forgets everything else that isn’t Regulus Black and his soft smiles and sharp wit and silken hair, everything that isn’t Regulus Black and his surprised laughs and cheeky replies. He forgets everything except the boy in front of him, the boy who comes alive under the golden sun, opening up like a flower blossoming in spring, opening up to be more than the cold, bored glances and hard exterior he shows.
“You never answered” Regulus says once they have made a truce, both retracting their fingers. When James makes a questioning hum, he continues. “When I asked if you were ok.”
James looks away at that, trying to focus on the blue curtains that separate them from the rest of the world, that keep them away from everything, the good and the bad. He stares and tries to ignore the burning gaze, tries to ignore the clenching of his heart and the pit in his stomach. “Uh-yeah well about that” he starts, not sure what to say. “I can’t really remember what happened out on the lake. Like any of it”
“Oh”
“Oh?” James questions, having expected more of a reaction. Regulus merely shrugs before looking back down to the covers they lie under.
“Maybe it’s best you don’t remember everything” it’s timid, and James has to squint to hear it.
“Yeah maybe” because really James doesn’t know what to say, he can’t remember what happened except Marlene calling Regulus terrifying. “I’m more scared than anything” he carries on, aware that Regulus had opened up earlier so it was only fair to do the same. “That whatever happened, happened. Pads- Sirius was pretty torn up over it so it must have been bad”
“Yeah, yeah it was” Regulus still won’t look at him, even when James turns to stare at him. He wants to understand his tone, what his words mean. “It was pretty scary- seeing you like that and I-“ he turns away completely. “Honestly, I’m scared. The things I could have done-“ he takes a harsh breath and that’s when James realises he’s shaking softly.
He doesn’t think about it, it’s instinctual (he does it with everyone) so he takes Regulus’ hand, enveloping his pale ones in his tanned ones, rubbing the smooth skin with his thumb. “It felt like I wasn’t in control of myself, I felt like-“ he stops, clearly battling with himself, even from this angle James can see him biting his lip. James keeps rubbing soothing circles on his hand, not wanting him to feel pressured. “I felt like a Black”
James feels something in him twist uncomfortably, the underlying message seemingly confusing. Truthfully, he doesn’t understand the implications, what Regulus means by this. However, it feels like it’s important, like a confession.
That he isn’t a Black, that maybe he’s a lot more like Sirius that he would want to admit.
And James smiles, this already being something that he knew, or had wanted to be true. “That’s ok” he says not wanting Regulus to retract into himself. “It’s ok”
They stay like that, holding hands on a hospital bed. Enclosed within curtains, alone in a comfortable silence. At some point, Regulus begins to drop off and James can’t help the warmth that spreads through him when the boy slowly leans his head on his shoulder. James lets himself relax.