I know you're saying
Regulus Black hates Christmas.
There had been a time when he had loved it, when the thought of the holiday reminded him of warm, twinkle lights and joyful laughter. There was a time when Christmas had meant opening presents under trees and sipping eggnog.
Christmas had meant rare, precious smiles from his father, it meant father's out of studies and mother's without wands.
Christmas had meant staying up by the fire, trading stories with his brother and warm, heavy blankets.
Regulus Black had once loved Christmas, loved the new-found smiles and precious time it gave, it meant smiles were allowed and voices could be used. It meant safety
He's in the common room, sitting with Barty and trying to figure out how to reply to his mother's letters. The stack has only grown since the first one was sent during breakfast, and over the past couple weeks more and more owls have been sent his way.
“Well we just need to find a way-“ Barty is desperate to find a way out of this, has been ever since Regulus showed him the ever-growing pile of letters that sit atop his bedside table.
“Stop Barty” It comes far harsher than he intended, Regulus rubs his temples and sighs deeply. He collects himself before starting again, softer “this is just one of mother’s many twisted traps. I either agree to this betrothal and sell my soul away, or I refuse. But I can’t just become another disappointment, I don’t get the luxury of just leaving so I have to appease my mother, and how do I do that? By getting the dark mark and bringing pride to the family name”
Barty bangs his head on the table they’re sitting at, ignoring the strange looks he gets from other students that sit near them. “So basically what I’m hearing is we’re fucked either way” Regulus snorts at that.
“I’m fucked you mean” at that Barty lifts his head, and looks right into Regulus’ grey eyes with a truly serious expression
“No. No, whatever happens, we’re in this together” they don’t do sentimental, not how other people do it, so Barty then grins, eyes beginning to sparkle “how else do I royally piss of my dad to a point of no redemption?”
Regulus rolls his eyes, so helplessly fond of the boy in front of him. “Thanks” is all Regulus says, and he truly wishes he could say more. He hates that he’s like this, that even now with this best friend Regulus can’t find it in himself to say what he truly means to tell him how grateful he is for everything Barty has done for him. He doesn’t understand how James Potter is the only anomaly, that it is only with him that Regulus can find the courage and strength to let the words flow.
Barty gives him a soft smile, Regulus’ favourite one that isn’t too wide and mischievous, it isn’t cruel and mocking.this is Barty’s true smile, the one that is just a little too small (a little too genuine) The moment is gone however when he suddenly claps his hands together “right” he leans further forward on the table as if in conspiracy “So tell me, Regulus Articulation Black-“
“You know that’s not my name”
“Oh? And would you rather me tell everyone your very embarrassing middle name?” He grins when Regulus pinches his lips together in a thin line. “Hm?” When Regulus merely crosses his arms together and rolls his eyes Barty cackles.
“Merlin, do you have to be so loud, we were meant to be staying under the radar remember?” Regulus reminds his friend, his glance turning towards the older boys that sit by the fire for a second
Barty has never been one to value his life, which is maybe why he merely scoffs, waving his hand like the fact that the other boys clearly hate them and when they passed them the other day had said the words “your dead.” Clearly Barty has no natural instincts to preserve his life for he just raises his eyebrows unimpressed. “You do realise that we- I mean it was really all you- completely and totally destroyed them? The only reason the rest of our house hasn’t heard about this conflict is because they literally lost a fight to us.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that we only won that fight because we had the help of the Gryffindors, or the fact that they still want us dead.”
“Please your brother’s friends did shit. It was all you” before Regulus can argue some more, Barty turns to look in the direction of the boys. His face hardens when his eyes pass over Rosier before he tuns back, a frown painted on his lips.
“So, still ignoring a certain someone?” Regulus doesn’t want to push his friend, however Barty had been quite mellow since the whole ordeal and had actively been avoiding the boys at all costs (just for a completely different reason than Regulus)
“Who?” By the unimpressed look Regulus gives him, Barty huffs before turning his attention to the desk. “Seeing as they all quite literally want us dead, yes I would say I am” he pauses, his eyes fluttering to the fire once more “it was really stupid of me. I don’t know why- I’ve learnt my lesson and I won’t make the same mistake again.” He sighs softly “I just thought-it’s so stupid. God I’ve become one of those terrible cliches that thought they were special just because someone acts differently and- and tells you that you are.” He silent, staring at his hands before he looks up, a strained smile on his lips “ah well, just got to go find someone new to have my lovely company”
Regulus wants to say something comforting, wants to help like Barty does for him. Because it really is shit, and Regulus may hate Rosier but Barty didn’t. A sad Barty Crouch might be one of Regulus’ least favourite things.
“I can make his life hell if you want” Barty smiles at that “being completely serious, give me the word and whatever I did to Mulciber will be nothing compared to what I do to him”
“Thanks”
Regulus smirks “anytime”
“Anyway, enough about me. Are we going to talk about the fact that I found you and Potter literally asleep in each other’s arms all snuggly and cuddly”
“Right and that’s my cue. I’ve got to go to my detention” Regulus begins to rise, a small smile fighting to break out as Barty begins to tease him.
“Honestly I never thought I would say this but you looked so cute! You were literally clutching him like a toy-“
“Alright alright” he laughs before beginning to head to the portrait hole, the sound of Barty laughing behind him. “Talk later” he calls out before leaving and beginning to make his way to the dungeons, he sighs.
Not looking forward to the hour ahead of him, cleaning cauldrons and putting ingredients away. (An hour left by himself to think about the Christmas holidays that start next week, to worry about what he’s going to say, to try and prepare himself for the hellish week he is going to have back home.)
Because he knows that everything will have to go, every happy memory he’s made with Barty, Pandora, at quidditch will be buried. Every conflicting thought about his brother, every interaction and moment will be hidden. Everything has to be gone so that she can’t take them, so she can’t ruin and destroy every part of him that makes him human, that’s makes him Regulus.
Most of all though, he has to lock up the sun. Because despite how bright and shining the sun may be, she is the destroyer, she will take, take, take. She will find whatever he leaves findable and leave it in ruins. She will take all the helium and allow the sun to shrink and collapse.
Regulus has to let himself become a shell, has to let the mask fall over his face and shield all he has left. He has to become what they want before they leave him with nothing but that.
He has to become a Black, so they can’t take Regulus, Reg, Reggie away.
They’re all sitting in the quidditch stands, taking a break from their practice. Marlene is passing around some pumpkin juice she stole from the kitchens on the way to the pitch and loudly telling anyone who will listen about how utterly awkward it was when a 5th year boy in Hufflepuff had asked her out “I mean I ended up just blurting that I’m a raging Lesbian and ran, poor bloke”
Frank and Alice, two 7th years who James is rather fond of laugh and nod sympathetically, Frank massages Alice’s hand after it had cramped up from clutching her broom.
James sits to the side, Emmeline Vance on one side and Sirius on the other. They’re mostly quiet as Sirius reties his hair in a bun and Emmy catches and recaches for the snitch in her hand.
“Your awfully quiet today Jaz” she nudges his shoulder with hers and that earns a small smile from him. Before he can say anything though, she’s taken the bottle of juice and shoved it in his hand “drink up, gotta keep you hydrated Captain” before standing up and going over to where Dirk Cresswell is sat, their keeper. He can’t help but feel his heart swell for the girl, knowing she moved so that he could talk to Sirius
Over the last couple of days (it’s been three since he woke up in the hospital wing) little, detached memories have begun to come back. Even with the knowledge of what happened, most of it doesn’t make sense.
He remembers laughing, Peter had made a joke at Sirius to which the other boy had thrown grass at him. He remembers watching them approach, he remembers Mary.
And then all he remembers are Mulciber’s words.
Indian immigrants coming over and having pure blood that doesn’t deserve to run in their veins
The day your dad died i fucking laughed, and I dream of the day when I get to see your dead fucking body lying next to your mothers
A part of James really wishes that he could have forgotten that bit. He really wishes he would have never have to remember those particular words. They make him sick, they make something ugly and dark twist uncomfortably, make him feel disgusted.
Sirius takes his hand then, he must have sensed James’ unease. Sighing, James rests his head on his friend’s shoulder and tries to worm his way out of the dark brooding he’s found himself in. They had spoken a little about his episode, and then later about the disjointed memories that had come back, Sirius had been fretting over him ever since the incident.
Now, they sit there looking out across the pitch where their brooms lay hazardly. They sit there in silence, letting the other conversations and laughter waft over them.
That’s before James decides to blurt out that “I may or may not have feelings for your brother” ever so silently, half hoping he won’t even hear the words. And absolutely cursing himself for having no tact at all, who just randomly blurts out that-
"what?" He feels Sirius tense under him, feels him go completely stock-still. And James holds his breath already so worried.
“Um, what I said?” He doesn’t really want to have to say it again, he really, really doesn’t want to have this conversation but he doesn’t lie to Sirius, it’s not something they do.
“James-“ James sits up, turning so that he can look Sirius is the eye, and he takes his hand holding it between them. Because whatever Sirius says won’t change anything, nothing he says can erase the freeing feeling, the warm, lovely feeling that’s being able to be honest to Regulus Black, to have him care about you, to have him there, but Sirius is James’ person, his best friend, his brother and Sirius’ opinion and feelings have always mattered the most to him. “This-is this real?” Sirius asks, and James is confused, what does he- “you know one of my favourite things about you is how much love you have, When we were younger I used to be so amazed by it, by the sheer capacity you had for it, like it didn’t matter how much you loved or how much love was given back you always had an infinite amount.”
He takes a breath, staring at their joint hands “I love you prongs, more than life itself but-“ and then he’s looking at James with something akin to pity or sadness, “but up until a couple of months ago you were in love with Evans and you just- you feel so much so quickly and-“
“Regulus is my brother and yeah things haven’t been great between us in a long time, but I know how he works and I know- well I know how easy it is for someone like me or Reg to fall in love with someone like you. I don’t want to see either of you get hurt, and you’re- James I know you’re still hurting and struggling and he’s struggling and hurting, which is my fault, but” he takes another breath “if, if you really truly like him James, and I mean all of him. I’m talking, you know things about him and you’re truly ok with everything he’s done and everything he might one day do, and if he truly likes you and it isn’t something stupid for him either then I’m not going to get in your way. Because I love you both and I want you to be happy.”
His voice hardens slightly, “But I’ve watched you get hurt, I’ve watched you love unconditionally and not be loved back, and I- James I need you to be sure that he truly, actually cares about you because I honestly don’t think I could live with you getting hurt by him. You see that’s the thing about us Blacks, we’re self destroyers” he gives a self-depreciated smile “you know what happened last year with Moony- I can’t say anything to make that better, it’s just- growing up the way me and Reg did, it’s so easy to want to hurt people when you’ve been hurt yourself.” He gets quieter, practically shrinking into himself “I don’t even know what was going through my mind at the time, all I know is that there was this deep aching hurt in me, and I wanted- I wanted, I don’t know I think I just needed to not be alone. It felt like this darkness was infecting me and I didn’t want to be the only one to catch it.”
James squeezes his hands tighter, trying to keep the pieces of them both whole and together. “Pads, I know what it must look like with Lily and everything else but- I don’t want to rush this, I don’t want to ruin whatever this delicate thing we have is but I feel like I see something that people don’t, it’s like we talk and he actually gets me, he listens and I can talk without feeling like I’m suffocating. And honestly right now it’s just friendship I think? I don’t really know what he thinks of me I just-”
“Ok” Sirius says, and then he gives a small mischievous smile “but if you ever hurt my little brother I will kill you” his eyes widen a fraction after before he bursts out with “oh god, don’t you dare defile him! Merlin don’t tell me if you do anything, wait you haven’t done anything have you? Merlin. Wait no maybe do tell me so I know-“
James bursts out laughing as Sirius rambles, getting more and more panicked and flustered before he promptly shuts up and laughs with him. He puts his forehead against James’ and chuckles softly “just- just don’t forget about me yeah?” And James can tell he is only half joking, that under his bravo, there is worry in his eyes.
“Never Pads” and then even softer, “no one could ever make me”