It’s half full
His dad’s face leaves and the next thing he knows the world is swimming into focus. Mulciber is standing there with blood dripping down his nose and lip, whimpering softly. Next is Avery on the floor holding his arm as he howls in pain. Then there is Dorcas, her lip is cut open whilst Remus leans on Peter for support. He feels someone holding him, telling him to “wake up! James, please if you can hear me snap out of this” sheer panic overtaking his voice.
But James just feels…numb, he feels detached.
Thats when he sees them, Regulus and Crouch stand there, Barty with his wand pointed at Snape with a sneer curled on his lip, Lily and Mary stand to the side, both with wands pointed at Mulciber who just watches them. And Regulus
Regulus. Gone is Regulus Black with his too-big green jumper and soft hellos. Gone is Regulus Black who likes stars and enjoys making fun of him whilst on a broom or in a library telling him he thinks he isn’t worth being missed.
This is the Regulus Black he was told to know, this is the Black that can hide any feeling except for impassiveness, who has mastered the role of being cold, who hates his brother and every other Gryffindor, who doesn’t speak to anybody, who is rumoured to have met Voldemort, who is rumoured to soon have the dark mark.
It’s funny, that for the past couple of months James had forgotten all of these details, mainly because he never truly believed them. How could he when Sirius would always be so terrified for his little brother’s safety? But it’s different, seeing the way he has acted around James this year, how they have laughed and joked and sat in comfortable silence, how different it is to the Regulus Black who stands now, poised and unflinching. Not a bone in his body moves, watching Avery with morbid curiosity as he clutches his arm, as Mulciber tries to catch his breath, as Rosier gulps trying to move backwards, eyes trained on Crouch who doesn’t even look in his direction.
James is so disoriented, so utterly confused on what is happening in front of him, of how suddenly McGonnagal and Slughorn are hurrying towards them and when exactly Regulus had even joined the scene. When did Sirius leave his side and hurry to his brother? Everything is a blur, and all he can find himself doing is wishing he could go back, back to the memory, back to his dads proud smile and soft words.
He wants to go back.
They had been leaving Herbology, books tucked under their arms laughing with Daphne Greengrass as she made fun of professor Sprout. That’s when they had turned the corner and seen the commotion happening by the lake.
Regulus’ eyes immediately found his brother, but he wasn’t even fighting, for once he wasn’t even looking at Snape or Mulciber who were firing spells at Lupin, Meadows and Mckinnon. He hears Barty’s breath hitch, and it’s only then his gaze moves to find Avery and Rosier there too, wands out fighting Evans and McDonald.
But he’s barely focusing on them, his stomach in knots as he sees his brother look scared.
Sirius Black hasn’t looked scared like that since that night, that night when his mother had off handedly mentioned killing Mathew McKinnon the year prior and Sirius had stood up from the table leaving his plate (which had half a bread roll) with disgust, since his mother had taken him to a different room and closed the door, since the screams of his brother begging for it to stop had ingrained itself into Regulus’ mind.
“Please, p-please”
“Anything, I’ll do anything”
“Just make it stop”
“You’re a monster!”
Sirius Black hadn’t looked this scared since he was standing by the door, soaked in his own blood and limply carrying his luggage, standing opposite Regulus in the foyer, pleading him to come with him, begging him to let him go.
Sirius Black hadn’t looked this scared since Regulus’ name was called to the front in the great hall, since the hat had spent two whole minutes bargaining with him, telling him he was a Ravenclaw, he was a Gryffindor, he wasn’t a Slytherin. Regulus, small regulus unable to look at the table where his brother sat convincing the hat that he could be, that he would make himself become one, that he would do whatever it took to be a Slytherin
When he bargained away his life for the pride and love of his family. When he lost his brother
Sirius looks scared, his eyes are wide, pupils blown as he shakes James Potter recklessly, shakes and shakes, shouts and shouts seemingly oblivious to the spells that only narrowly miss him due to his friends that are protecting him and James
James.
Regulus feels like everything stops for a second when he sees James, pale as never before, eyes unblinking, still as stone. Regulus doesn’t even know if the boy is breathing, he’s just sitting there, completely oblivious to his best friend crying next to him, moving his body. He’s a cavern, a shell of nothing.
There is no James Potter, for however long Regulus stands there, there is no James Potter because there is no warmth, no sparkle, no nothing.
He doesn’t know what he is doing, all he knows is one moment they are watching it happen as an outsider and the next thing Regulus knows, his wand is in his hand and he feels blinding rage and fear overtake him.
For someone who has been taught not to feel, for someone who has mastered the art of not caring, not letting things get to him, Regulus is scared by the amount of feelings that rush to him. For someone who makes sure to always be in control, in this moment he is merely a puppet unable to not follow his body.
It’s all a blur, James’ unseeing, unflinching eyes still fresh in his mind, he doesn’t even notice his wand firing non verbal spells until Avery is on the floor and he’s aiming for Snape. He forgets about boxes, boxes, boxes. He forgets everything but the burning, flowing hatred that overwhelms him.
The Black family is twisted, he’s heard the stories of his relatives, so overcome with their hatred, heard of cousins who relish in the pain they give others, heard how they seethe and burn, how they are twisted, how darkness runs in their veins. How easy it is for them, to let it all out, to unlock that sickening part of themselves and unleash hell.
He prides himself in being a Black, but he had never been able to have that, not when Sirius left or he was ordered to kill the rabbits. Because for those spells to work, you have to mean it, for any spell that does that much damage you have to want to hurt someone. He had never had it in him, never thought he could.
But here, he feels it. A swirl of something so dark and sinister that whispers to him, that shows him the power he holds, how beautifully easy it would be. He’s so close, he can hear Mulciber screaming, he doesn’t know what he is doing, can’t see anything around him.
He would have done it (he doesn’t know what it is, all this power is coming from him, not the wand nor an incantation)
He would have done it, but then there is a hand on his shoulder and a voice, an oh-so soft voice. “Stop, Reggie it’s ok. It’s ok he’s not going to hurt you” something in him retreats back into the shadows, the world begins to focus. “That’s it, come on Reg it’s ok. You can stop now”
He didn’t realise how much magic he must have been using until suddenly he is falling limply onto Sirius’ shoulder, burying his face there and lowering his wand.
Breathe, breathe, breathe
He can’t, he’s shaking too badly and Sirius is holding him too tightly, always an anchor to keep the violent waves at bay. He doesn’t even notice the others talking to McGonnagal or Slughorn, can barely feel the deep burning glaze of his fellow Slytherins. He is too utterly exhausted.
And yet his mind is James, James, James (but he can’t look, he can’t to look because what if it’s still pale, unseeing. Stone?)
“Sh Reggie, I’ve got you. I’ve got you now” He should despise that voice, should hate the body attached to it. He should recoil in disgust or push him off or spit hurtful things to his face. Instead he melts, he melts and heaves sobs that barely make a sound (he had learnt how to cry silently)
Instead he despises himself for the comfort that the voice holds, for the way his body falls into him, for the way his heart unclenches, for the way his mind sighs in relief because finally, finally, finally.
He wakes up in a hospital bed, and yet he feels fine. He’s woken up to the blinding white lights enough to know, but usually there is a pain and yet there is nothing. Confused, James turns his head and finds Remus lying in the bed next to him, asleep with a bottle of sleeping draught on the table next to him. Panic immediately overtakes every muscle, every cell, every atom in his body and he sits up.
All around him, beds are occupied, most people are up and talking with minor injuries like cuts but James can’t breathe. What-
He racks his brain but he can’t think, he can’t remember, he can’t breathe. The last time he had been to the hospital there had been glass, there had been his mum, there had been so many healers in protection. The last time he was at a hospital his father had died.
Why couldn’t he remember, what had happened, what was going on?
He flinches when someone touches his soldier, immediately drawing away ready for a fight when he comes eyes to eye with Marlene. Breathe.
“Woah- hey, hey it’s me. Calm down it’s me Jaz” Marlene, its Marls. James releases a shaky sigh and puts his hands down. She takes one of his and places it between hers. “Breathe for me Jaz, can you do that” he nods, taking as many breaths as he can and squeezing his eyes shut. He’s not at St Mungos, he’s at Hogwarts.
“Marls” he chokes, and she immediately draws his body into hers, stroking his hair the way his mum does and he lets himself hide there, lets the smell of her strawberry shampoo overtake his senses. “Wha-what happened?”
She gently begins to extract herself from him and put her hands on his face, eyes scanning his with concern. “You don’t remember?’ He shakes his head “oh Jaz I was so scared y-you” she bites her lip “well I don’t really know, Madam Promfrey says she’s working on it but I-I don’t-“
She sees his confused expression and takes a breath, before softly continuing. “We were at the lake when the Slytherins came. They were taunting us- well you mostly- and then the next thing I know we were having a full blown fight. Usually we would have won, but- well we had to cover for you and Sirius and Remus was already weak and well, never thought I would say this but thank god for Regulus Black and Barty crouch” she gives a little chuckle “good heavens, they came out of nowhere, and at first we all thought they were going to join Mulciber but they started attacking them.”
“Merlin I was terrified, I tell you Regulus Black is most definitely scarier than Sirius, he didn’t say anything just started using non verbals and he’s a bloody 5th year! He got Avery pretty good and, well I don’t know what he was doing to Mulciber just that it wasn’t good, thank god Sirius stepped in and stopped him. Teachers came straight away after that and took us here. Told us not to leave. Pretty sure we’re all gonna be in big trouble but I was just grateful that-“
“Wait what?” James interrupts, “what do you mean you had to cover for me and Sirius?” And now she looks nervous so she clears her throat and takes his hands again, squeezing tightly. “Jaz” she says it so faintly. “You, well Mulciber said something about- about Flea and then you s-sort of froze, and it was fine but then, well I wasn’t close enough but he said something else and you just” she stops herself, trying to find the right words, “it was like you weren’t even there, you couldn’t hear or see us” Marlene looks to the side and it takes James a moment to realise that most of the people that were already up are watching them.
“Oh” she is still looking at him with concern but all he can feel is the weight of the other’s gazes. He wonders where the Slytherins were taken. “A-and Sirius?” Because his pit of worry hasn’t subsided, he needs to know where Sirius is.
“He’s with his brother, whatever Black was doing definitely effected him.” She pauses “but he was here for you and Rem earlier, he sat with you guys for hours before going to check on his brother” When she sees his curious glance she smiles “they are behind the curtains over there” she points to behind James where, at the far side of the hospital wing two sets of curtains have been shut “they thought it was best they split us all up” he nods still feeling out of it.
He feels so incredibly lost, and yet there was a hint of warmth, there was a hint of something like laughter and water in pools and words of “Jamie” that he could feel, but he couldn’t place them or where they had come from. His mind was reeling and he was still on edge, still so scared because how could he not remember?
What was wrong with him?