Say that we’ll be together
He’s in the library again, countless pieces of parchment sprawled out in front of him as he tries to focus on his transfiguration paper, eyes trying to focus on the words in front of him.
Human Transfiguration was a sub-branch of Transfiguration and a form of transformation in which one transfigured human body parts or an entire human being into another form-
”Well hello stranger” Pandora interrupts, slamming her stack of books down on his table and plopping down on the seat opposite him. She gives him a charming smile, blonde hair tied up in a bun, her wand keeping it in place.
He smiles, happy to see her again after the quidditch game yesterday, and puts his pen down
“We’ll if it isn’t my favourite ravenclaw, hi Pandi” she sighs dreamily before putting her elbows on the table and grinning widely “er everything alright there? You seem a bit…cheerful” he internal winces
She raises her eyebrows before snorting and rolling her eyes “yes Regulus I am…cheerful” here eyes begin to light up “Xeno took me out last night”
Xenophilius Lovegood, a fellow Ravenclaw on the more eccentric side. He had had a well known adoration and crush on Pandora for years until last year, in their 4th year he had asked her out with a serenade in front of the school where she had blushed and said yes, they had been happy ever since
Regulus smiles, listening to her talk about how he surprised her in the night with flowers and took her down by Hagrids hut.
“I’m so happy for you” and it’s genuine, she deserves someone as good as her, because she’s pure, and sweet and deserves all the good that the world can give
She isn’t broken, a part of him whispers, a part that sounds too much like his mother
She isn’t ruined.
She must see something on his face because she reaches over the table and takes his hand, “you deserve to have someone too you know” and he wants to laugh at that, something like a choked sob because he doesn’t, he doesn’t.
There is something so wholeheartedly broken, something so extremely ruined about him. He’s Perses, the greek god of destruction, with hands that wield only danger and damage.
For see, in all the ways that James Potter mends, builds, creates. Regulus destroys and destructs.
It’s all he knows, all he has been taught is how to hurt, how to sneak behind the shadows and take what isn’t his
He doesn’t’ know how to give and let people take, all he knows is how to make it all stop
All he knows is how to push people away.
Because that’s what he did, isn’t it? He is the one that let Sirius go, and maybe he was naive for ever thinking he wasn’t part of the reason his brother would want to.
“Please stay” it was so soft, so soft because he didn’t want it to be heard, not if it wasn’t going to be done , not if his plea would be unanswered, ignored.
“I can’t” it’s the answer, something so simply said yet held the meaning of a thousand words, held a shattering heart in its clutches.
“Reggggg? You zoned out, are you ok?” Pandora’s voice blinks him out of the memories.
“Wha- yeah” he clears his throat looking away, he doesn’t mean to even look in that direction, honestly had no idea they were there (he might have seen on his way in) but he glances to the table on the far right, the one by the window. there sits one Lily Evans, her hair down apart from the two braids that crown her head, she looks radiant bathed in the sunlight glow.
But it’s nothing, nothing to what James Potter looks like next to her, his tanned skin glows, shining and sparkling so bright he outshines the golden glow that travels through into the window. He’s luminescent, incandescent, he’s ablaze in the heat of the sun.
It’s the way his eyes shine, something always glittering in them, hazel with colours swirling and swarming. A mixture of blues and greens, of maroons and reds. But it’s not just that, it’s the dimples when he smiles the way that the one on his left is just slightly more pronounced, it’s that when he laughs his head is thrown back and he rumbles, lighting up the whole room as he does so.
Pandora looks behind her, her eyes searching for where his are trained and she makes a sound in the back of her throat before turning back to him. When he finally moves his gaze away she is smirking, an all-too knowing gaze in the blue eyes
“So, that person, you know the one that you must have been smitten with, they uh they wouldn’t be sitting in this very library now would they”
Regulus Black doesn’t blush, he never has, has never needed to or been allowed to, never has he ever- “you’re blushing!”
“Shut up Pandi” Pandora laughs uproariously, pointing her finger at him, and he can’t help but smile back. Chuckling slightly . “God you’re the worst. I literally don’t know why I’m friends with you”
“Oi! I’m literally the best friend ever, and you only have two friends so…”
“Hey!” And then they are both laughing, and he feels just a little better.
“Right, I’m not going to lie Evans, the whole -let’s have a chat and then taking me here has put me on edge. Very ominous stuff” they are sitting in the library, having just finished charms and Lily asked if they could together. It would be a correct statement to say that James has been freaking out (just a smidge) ever since their conversation the previous night.
“Trust you to be dramatic” she smirks, before clearing her throat and tying her fingers together. “Is there anything that you want to talk about, anything that has been bothering you” Lily Evans has always been kind, and James finds himself chuckling softly, shaking his head slightly. She looks at him weirdly “what, what’s so funny?”
“It’s just, Evans I think you might be the most selfless, kind and just amazing person ever.” She blushes, looking down and James, this is what he does he just says what he thinks, because it is the truth, he’s watched her give people chance after chance when they didn’t deserve it, and she always chooses to see the best in people.
She decided to see the best in him when he gave her nothing but his worst, and she forgave him when she had the right not to. Lily Evans, has always been kind and maybe before James would have added it to the list of reasons why they should be together, but now he can just appreciate her qualities as a friend. And just feel grateful to have her in his life. “It’s the truth” he says softly, because people always find it harder to accept it when it is, “honestly, Lily I’m so unbelievably happy to be your friend.” She looks at him, smiling with tears in her eyes before looking away and taking a breath.
“God, Potter you-“ she breaks off. “Thank you, but honestly? Im the lucky one. For years I’ve watched you with Marls, watched you absolutely cherish her and be there for her and Mary last year when-‘ she takes another breath “what I’m saying is that I-well I may have always been a little jealous of how you are with them, I -well James Potter, I may have always wanted to be your friend” And they smile with each other.
“Well how am I supposed to lie to you after that?” She snorts and he takes a moment to gather his thoughts “right well, I don’t- I don’t really know what I’m doing. Back in September, when I couldn’t sleep I would go down to the quidditch pitch at night and wellllllllll” he draws out the word as Lily looks at him curiously.
“James, you don’t have to talk about If you don’t want to.” But he just smiles
“We’re friends. Anyway back to my story I was telling before I was rudely interrupted-“
“Weren’t you getting to the point or?”
“Anyway- I um I started bumping into Regulus Black.” He takes a breath, and then he can’t stop himself from truly, completely rambling. “And at first you know I was just so surprised because he’s, well he’s actually really very funny and he could you know keep up with my stupid banter and- and then I saw him more, and he told me things and- merlin have you seen him on a broom? But it’s more than that, it’s so much more than that because I never knew that he could be so soft, I never knew how much he liked looking up at the stars, or that he gets nightmares or that-“ he stops, almost afraid to look up at Lily. “Merlin I’m sorry, I sound so pathetic right now. You know what’s worse? That despite all of this, I’m so scared, I’ve never been scared of love but I’m so, so scared because I can’t do this again, I can’t be rejected or-or lose another person I can’t-“
Lily takes his hand, rubbing soothing circles over his thumb, “take a breath, okay? So he does, he matches hers and slowly he feels his heart calm down. Lily hesitates, before shaking her head and looking at him.
“Would it make you feel better if I said that I get it?” He looks at her questioningly “I can’t even remember when or how it happened, when I started thinking that Mary was the prettiest girl I had ever seen.” There are tears in her eyes, and her breaths are shaky. “I just know that I couldn’t not look into her eyes, and when she walked into a room my attention would be on her, but more than that when I saw the way that Marls and Dorcas look at each other I thought that it was ok, that what I felt was ok.”
“But then everything- everything happened last year and Mary closed off, she pushed me away. And it was fine, of course it was fine I get it-but, but when she started flirting with Emmeline Vance, or winking at Benji Fenwick, when she would give everyone her attention but me, the one who had been there for her from the beginning, the one who knew her the best? That, that hurt.” She gives him a smile. “What I’m trying to say is that I know what it’s like James, to be so scared to like someone, im so scared to let someone in. But at the same time? There is nothing I want more than for her to look at me the way Remus looks at Sirius, the way I have seen you look Regulus, the way you looked when you just made a whole bloody monologue about him”
“Hey” he reaches over and softly swipes the single tear that had dropped onto her cheek away, “hey, why don’t we be emotionally repressed messes together eh?” She gives a watery smile.
“Yeah” “but also James? Give yourself a chance, I think you of all people might deserve it the most. Also- maybe, maybe talk to Sirius? It’s not any of my business but that might help you sort out your feelings”
“Yeah” feeling like for the first time, he wasn’t out at sea lost within the waves but feeling like maybe there was a direction, a path he needed to follow.