when I'm in this dream
it's the heavy weight of Barty jumping on top of him that wakes Regulus up, wheezing at the unexpected pressure on his ribs. a loud "omf" escapes him before he hits his friend on the head and watches as he tilts his head back and laughs.
"what the actual fuck? do you not value your life?" Regulus grumbles, most definitely not an early riser, he shoves Barty off him and watches with satisfaction as his eyes widen before he falls of the bed.
"hey! I tried saying your name but we both know once your alseep your dead to the world" Regulus rolls his eyes before falling back against the pillow "also the match is today so I-"
"SHIT" Barty snickers watching with amusement as Regulus jumps out of bed and flurries around their dorm as someone grumbles "shut the fuck up" and a pillow Is thrown in his direction.
Of course his best friend didn’t wake him up. The prick.
Regulus doesn’t even have time to start worrying about anything but the match because as soon as he descends from the staircase and towards the common room, he is surrounded by the rest of the team, Wilkes dragging him towards the portrait hole telling him to get a move on.
“Oi this is getting into my food time, I need enough time in between when I eat and when I fly on a ruddy broom without throwing up.” He grumbles “so-
Oh for the love of god”
“What?” they stop, Wilkes looking up towards the ceiling as if in prayer
“Black where are your goggles, don’t tell me you have forgotten them and are now going to have to run all the way back-“
The rest of the sentence is cut off by Regulus sprinting back as fast as he can, cursing Merlin and Morgana (and Barty) for this.
Two minutes later and regulus is returning to the common room where Wikes stands, his foot repeatedly tapping the floor as he glances down at his watch.
"Merlin finally Black" he mutters before letting the rest of the team leave out through the portrait hole.
Wikes has always liked to make a thing of the whole team entering the main hall together as a sign of unity, however Regulus just thinks it's ridiculous seeing as no other team does this or cares that they do.
In his rush to get out of the portrait hole, regulus trips over himself and doesn't look where he's going which leads him to crash into someone and bring them both falling to the ground
"Merlin I'm sorry i- oh hey Pandi" he looks up from the ground to see Pandora Lovegood splayed out next to him, her fluorescent blonde curls spiralling around her head like a crown. She grins at him, her crystal blue eyes gleaming.
“Hiya Reg it’s been a while” they both begin to stand up, dusting themselves off. Pandora wears a quidditch uniform identical to Regulus’ apart from the navy blue that paints her clothes.
Despite what others may assume. Regulus is entirely too fond of Pandora, a person he is honoured to call a friend (something that had started in 3rd year when Regulus had been having a mental breakdown in the greenhouses and she had walked in on him and told him that he was far too beautiful to not be smiling before handing him a leaf for no reason whatsoever) Where others call Pandora strange he admires her for being herself and sees her to be ethereal, shining, and angelic.
“Yeah sorry I’ve been busy, you know getting ready to crush you in today’s match” he grins, entirely forgetting his mission to get to the great hall and keep Wilkes from castrating him instead happy to catch up with Pandora
“Mm” she grins slyly, her eyebrows raising in her inquisitive-very-Pandora-way
“What?” She takes a step forward, regarding him carefully
“Well first of all I don’t see you in weeks which by the way is your loss, I mean no wonder your year hasn’t been going well really without my help and amazing skills-“
“Right did you have a point Pandi or?”
“Hush I was getting to it” she nudges his shoulder, giving him a smile far too soft that if it was anyone else he might feel uncomfortable (with the exception of a certain someone with dimples who Regulus is absolutely not thinking about) “anyway I meant to say you are clearly off your game if that was the insult you threw at me, your distracted which means someone is making you distracted which means I’m going to have to find out who you have ended up falling completely smitten with”
“I- sorry, I don’t even know what you- What?” Pandora just pats his shoulder sympathetically and starts walking away, her eyes misting over into a dreamlike state. Before turning the corner she looks back smirking at him.
“Might want to get your wits together Black, you know before we crush you in todays match”
Regulus smiles to himself before taking a breath and heading to get breakfast, trying to focus on the game and not on whatever Pandora was trying to say (he is fully aware on what she was alluding to but would happily attempt at denial)
Besides he really needs this win.
“Right so do you wanna talk about it?” James and Sirius are on the balcony, watching the sky grow clear- perfect quidditch weather. Sirius smokes, his other hand buried deep in his leather jacket, watching the smoke slowly fade into the morning air entranced.
James looks at him, the way his raven long hair falls delicately to frame his face, Sirius looks back smiling shyly with concern. And James knows it time, to finally talk and try to explain the feeling of loss that never leaves and the terrible fear of falling, falling, falling.
“I-“ the words clog up in his throat, and for someone who usually has words fall from his lips effortlessly he finds the words unable to take form in his mouth.
Sirius takes his hand and squeezes tightly. “What if I go first hm?” Sirius, ever so patient and calming, no matter what others may expect from the impulsive boy, no one except those close to him understand how empathetic and careful he is with those he loves, always so ready to give everything just as quickly as he is to snatch it all back.
And James feels like he can breathe, up here secluded from the rest of their house above the rest of the world and looking down on the school grounds. Ever since the other night when he had finally broken down and cried, he’s watched his friends view him with concern and watchful eyes which made him feel antsy and shy
But here with Sirius everything else fades away, he doesn’t have to be James Potter the quidditch extraordinaire or James Potter the handsome troublemaker or even James the supportive friend. He doesn’t have to be be Potter the last heir who lost his dad. He can just be James
Because with Sirius, he has always only been James, he’s seen him at his worst (when the guilt of everything after OWLs kicked in and his self hatred escalated to new heights) or at his best (the countless moments of euphoria and freedom, of love and warmth) he’s seen him at home and at school, he’s seen him put on a facade for lily Evans and watched it slip off like cracks in hard-set clay, he’s seen James angry (too many punches and hexes that now make him wince) he’s seen him jealous and tired.
And he’s seen him sad, he’s seen him break under the eyes of his mum after hospital appointments, he’s seen him sob as he cleans Sirius’ wounds, he’s seen him scream deep in the middle of the forest and laugh until his stomach hurts, he’s seen him panic and worry, he’s seen everything because they’re James and Sirius. Sirius and James. They are each other’s worst and best, each other’s brains and hearts.
So it’s here, early in the morning as everyone excites over the quidditch game today and rushes around getting ready for breakfast that he can just take a minute to study his favourite painting, count the few freckles that scatter the otherwise smooth porcelain skin and he can match his breathes with those that Sirius inhales the smoke.
James has always believed in love, in belonging and having someone entirely know you and love you. Young James just never knew his person, his favourite everything would be the first too-neat/ fancy boy he saw.
He closes his eyes and shakes his head, letting it lean on Sirius’ shoulder and allow his melodic, gravel voice to wash over him and calm his too-heavy heart. “These Last few days I have found myself thinking about that moment- in the corridor with r-reg” he takes a breath “I think about everything I could or should have said, I think about what he did say and what he wanted to say- what his eyes were saying. There was a time when I knew every expression, every emotion that flickered through his eyes when he was hurt or happy or whatever”
He sighs heavily, letting his head drop onto James’ ,letting him take some of the weight too. “I- I just feel lost, it’s sounds stupid but I used to dream of this, of getting out and being free but now that I’m here I just feel so lost. And sometimes” his voice becomes nothing but a whisper, like he’s admitting something that only James can hear before the wind takes it away “sometimes I almost regret it, sometimes I think about what would happen if I hadn’t.”
“You cant think like that” James replies softly, feeling Sirius melt into him, as if that admittance being shared has given him some relief. “You’re the bravest person I know Pads and it isn’t just because you left but because you survived. You survived what came after, you let yourself be helped” as he says this he can’t help but think back to his conversation with Mary, his heart breaking slightly at all the hurt his friends go through.
All the heart he can’t take away.
Sirius hands James the cigarette “your turn” he smiles cheekily attempting to lighten the mood. James looks up, watching the birds soar and the trees sway. “I keep thinking about whether dad would be proud, but-“ he hesitates before letting it all come streaming out. “But it’s more than that, there- there is always this guilt that eats away at me everyday when I realise that I’ve smiled too much or that-that i haven’t thought of him enough. I’m always feeling like I’m forgetting the little things like the other day I forgot the sound he would make when he would get super excited and it would just come out of him. And I just- I just feel like I’ve fallen, like I keep falling and falling and there is this dread that I’m getting too close to the ground, that no one is ever going to be able to reach me, to save me. “ he takes a breath “but there is another part of me that-that doesn’t dread the Idea of the ground, that just wants this constant losing to go. That just wants whatever this is to stop. To just stop. Because feeling like this all the time, it doesn’t go and I’m terrified it never might.”
“Fuck I just want to go back and have more time, I want to go back and take back all the shitty things I did last year, all that time I didn’t care. It’s the same with the nightmares- I hate them, because I know they aren’t just nightmares there memories but at the same time I spend my time waiting for the night so I can see him again. Because i’d rather relive those horrible last moments night after night, i’d rather watch the light leave his eyes every day than not see them at all. Is that fucked” his last words get choked
Because it’s all too much, everything he feels is too much and still he wishes it would all stop, stop, stop but it never does. Sirius grabs his hand, his grip so tight as if he can squeeze happiness into him. “Well” he says. A lilt to his voice “we can be fucked together”
“Yeah” it’s soft, he doesn’t feel like he has energy for anything else. “Fucked together”
They stay like that, wrapped around one another until breakfast is done and their cigarette is finished, and they leave heading for the pitch both slightly less alone than before.