in the middle of the night
It had always been one of his favourite things, going to the quidditch pitch once everyone else is asleep, the silence and cold crisp air that howls around him in the sky.
it had always been his time, his time to think and not think and just feel.
it's much more lonely without Regulus Black for company.
It’s something James never thought he would feel but he does, he misses Regulus Black and the feeling of not having to think about his dad, or about the all-consuming loneliness that seems to fill him up.
He thought they had become something, friends. And maybe deep down a small part of him had wanted to help the boy, he remembered what Sirius had been like in their first year, how slowly but surely he wouldn’t flinch at contact or his first instinct wouldn’t be to hide and cower away, he had wanted that for Regulus, had wanted to see him break off the hard armour that he had cloaked himself in.
He wanted Sirius to have his brother back, or more selfishly he wanted to make regulus smirk that all-knowing smirk when he called James pathetic, he wanted that quick banter that made James feel, made him feel alive, made him think and feel that surge of excitement, anticipation, he wanted to sit beside him in the field when it’s dark and not have to do anything Just sit with him But there is no Epaphus flying on his broom with a practiced ease that comes from years of soaring through the sky, there is no dark ruffled haired boy clad in emerald watching him fly with the air in his lungs and the wind on his face There is no regulus, no bright star illuminating or sparkling, there is no Regulus and it makes James feel something akin to loss, something so familiar and hurtful that he tries to stop looking and thinking and wanting.
Sirius closes off, ever since the encounter he had been stoic, stiffened, so unlike himself that James felt him mourning for the comforting presence.
Remus tries to help, and James only sees Sirius truly relax when the two of them are smoking on their balcony, a soft silence between them or when he’s enveloped in his boyfriends arms. He doesn’t talk about it, but they all notice his far-away looks, his restlessness, his grey eyes searching the slytherin table
And Regulus, perfect Black Regulus whose eyes gaze bored, uncaring, with a stiff posture and unwontedly grace
And James’ heart breaks for both boys, two broken boys who deserved better.
He decides not to got the pitch, in hopes of getting some sleep, his body reeling from the constant exhaustion, and maybe deep down it’s to see his father, to hear his voice and see those blue eyes.
The walls are white and glass consumes him, always. always, always Glass that taunts him, glass that his fists slam against and the constant “please, please dad!” His voice ringing in his ears
and the smoke everywhere, consuming a room he is unable to enter Bright embers lighting up the room, beautiful red sparks that grow as the fire spreads like a serpent. beautiful, red, but mean unseeing blue eyes and empty lungs Time always slows, his heart beating loudly in his ears, a steady numbness washing over him. It’s always her scream, her choked, heart-wrenching wail that sets things in motion, shaking hands clutching her, her frail shivering body between his hands that feel the weight of holding her up, always holding her up
He wakes up to a darkness that contrasts the bright lights of Mungo’s, a heaving sob escaping him, and then there are arms around him “sh sh it’s ok Prongs it’s ok I’ve got you” I’ve got you It’s ok And he lets himself breathe, breathe, breathe.
And he tries to forget the choking feeling of smoke filling his lungs and paralysing him, “pads, pads” it’s such a broken thing, such a small thing and Sirius holds on tighter He feels someone kiss his forehead and rub his back, the scent of chocolate and tea filling his sense, and he tries to focus on them, on Sirius holding him and Remus gently telling him to breathe, to the comforting sound of Peter snoring softly.
He lets himself sink into their embrace, lets himself finally, finally break. Feels the shattering of his heart, the burning ache within him that yearns for his dad, that begs for his mum to be here and hold him.
“You’re ok, sh we’re here” Remus loosens his hold and looks down at him, thumb softly brushing away his tears. They sit there on his bed in silence, and Sirius then turns into padfoot and cuddles up to him and he strokes him, his soft fur sliding through his fingers, he lets Remus lie him down and buries his head into Remus’ neck.
Breathe, breathe, breathe
“I-“ he stops, trying to steady himself “I miss him so fucking much” his voice breaks and Remus grabs his hand
“We know, it’s ok Jaz, you’ve been so strong but we’ve got you now ok? We’ve got you now” and they stay like that, Remus running his fingers through his hair as James clutches onto padfoot who lies between them, giving James soft nuzzles.
He falls asleep and dreams of being young and flying with his dad, gleeful shouts of “faster dad!” And cheerful giggles with each dive, his mum watching from the side with so much love it hurts.
And then it changes, and he’s flying so high in the air, darkness everywhere except for the stars that guide him, chasing them but never quite reaching Flying blindly through the cool air desperately wanting to feel the warmth of the shining stars.
Regulus goes to the library even more than usual, hiding himself between the towering shelves that hold books upon books, ones that Regulus desperately wants to devour.
He wants to lose himself within them, with each story and character and information, he wants to forget about the new stack of letters that burn in his pockets and the constant need to do better, be better
He doesn’t want to think about how he has felt Sirius piercing stare every meal time, he doesn’t want to ponder about whether James ever went back to the quidditch pitch
He probably would have gone back to his usual routine, before Regulus had intruded in his life.
The ink bleeds through the paper, he hadn’t realised how tightly he had been clutching onto his quill, Merlin he needs to stop thinking about him.
The first quidditch match is tomorrow against Ravenclaw and Regulus needs to stop and not let himself loose his head
But he can’t stop thinking about Sirius either, the almost hesitant and pleading way he searches for Regulus looking like he desperately wants to speak to him and yet also to run away and never look back
Regulus is so tired, and the pressure to reply to his mother is eating away at him.
He’s not expecting to hear his voice, so loud and booming and bright, always taking up a room, always grabbing the attention.
Regulus looks up to see James Potter and Remus Lupin entering the library, James holding a stack of books whilst Remus looks worse for wear Regulus supposes the full moon must be coming up
He honestly doesn’t understand how more people haven’t caught on yet, the scars and the monthly visits away from the castle. only an idiot would not put the pieces together, well anyone without severus’ constant theories insistent in his ears.
They’re talking quietly now, joking with one another and something in Regulus stutters at the phenomenon that is James Potter
the easiness of him.
and then James is looking up and turning his head, as though he had felt Regulus watching him, and something flickers across his face, hesitation, concern? he doesn't know but he can't begin to decipher his expression before James Potter, bright James is grinning, a beam that lights up his entire his face. he's dragging Remus with him, towards Regulus' table and he doesn't have time to begin to panic before they are in front of him.
Remus nods his head in greeting, eyes looking at Regulus with concealed intrigue, and Regulus feels the need to hide, to cover himself away from the perceptive caramel eyes, and then there Is James.
James who is still smiling, but now that he is closer, Regulus can see the dark bags under his eyes, heavy as though they carry the world on them. James unceremoniously dumps himself in the chair opposite him and Regulus lifts a brow.
"yeah go ahead, make yourself comfortable" he tries to keep his voice level, regarding Lupin, who sits next to James and snickers at the remark. James just grins, brighter if that's possible, always able to give more, more, more.
"thanks Reginald, your hospitality is staggering" he smirks and the way Remus snorts hints at an inside joke, it doesn't lessen the jolt that jumps in his stomach, the racing of his heart.
"Reginald?" he wrinkles his nose in disgust "never call me that again". he smirks slyly, winking and Lupin "Jimbo" James' smile drops, but there is a pull at the corners of his mouth
"wow. I didn't think that you of all people, would betray me like this. I thought we were friends" and really, it is truly pathetic how much that warms his heart. they both smile at each other before James looks down and steals the book he was reading. "The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self-Protection – by Quentin Trimble." he raises his eyebrow, smirking "how riveting"
"piss off" Regulus tries not to flush, but knows he's blushing as he rips the book out of a laughing James' hand "unlike some people I actually have the mental capacity to understand words "
"you must forgive him, he was always slow on the uptake" Remus jumps in, his comment earning an indignant "hey" from James. But then his light hearted mannerism begins to fade, he swallows before looking back at Regulus.
"haven't bit to the pitch in a while?" and Regulus feels a sense of shame, the idea of James sitting waiting for him makes his heart ache just a little. and maybe normally he would reply with a snarky, sarcastic comment or try to play it off as something else, but something about James Potter makes him want to do better, be better.
"I'm sorry, haven't been feeling up to it" it's quiet and Regulus floods with embarrassment, ducking his head so he doesn't have to look at either of them.
"it's ok" the reply his soft, and it makes Regulus want to laugh because even now after having been left it's still James that reassures Regulus. his next words are even softer, tender enough to make his heart do a silly little thing "I missed you"
his head shoots up, and he sees how nervous James truly looks, a sheepish small painted on his lips whilst his hand rubs the back of his neck. Lupin is reading, trying to give them some space without making it obvious, which regulus appreciates immensely.
"there isn't much to miss" he doesn't know why he says it, words so truthful but seem as though they should be played off as a joke, James frowns as if he is personally offended by this.
and that is when it truly hits him, James Potter is completely, undeniably, inherently good. Without trying or thinking he is just a good person, right down to his core. someone who is brave enough to make the choice between what is easy and what is right, someone whose natural instinct will always be to help or comfort. James Potter is all that is good in the world, he is the outline for all protagonists in superhero stories, he is the intricate map that leads to making a difference in the world, he is the compass that will always point in the right direction.
because even now, with bags under his eyes and something timid about his once-shattering smile he still sits here, with a Slytherin, a black, an enemy and lays his heart out, open for everyone to rip open and tear.
he is an open haven, laid out bare for anyone to take and ruin and love and have, he is the endless horizon that is big enough to have them all, warm them all, love them all.
he thinks of Pettigrew and Lupin and his brother, all broken and lost in their own ways, all attracted to the comforting blaze that is him.
"you're the only one who can come close to being as good as me on a broom" he smirks but Regulus understands the sentiment for it is, that Regulus does matter, that there is a place in the enticing home that James Potter is.
"seeing as being a seeker is a harder role, that must make me the better player"
"oi! also completely incorrect, all you do is hover above waiting whilst I have to score"
"hey" and regulus is grinning, something he hasn't done in days, and his mother isn't in his head neither is his brother. it feels freeing.
"Moony you must settle this conundrum for us, and tell young reggie here that I, your charming, handsome best mate is better" and Remus looks up a glint of mirth in his eyes before he glances at Regulus and gives him a secret smirk.
"of course I will, Prongs your skill is better than anyone else" and James gives Regulus a satisfactory grin which makes Regulus' breath hitch "for a chaser, but the game actually all comes down to the seeker"
and Regulus grins, a smug thing that makes James grumble to himself with a pout that earns an eye-roll from Remus, who goes back to reading. and James and Regulus just stare at each other for a moment, smiles that match each other in their shyness. James clears his throat, resting his elbows on the desk and leaning in.
"so ready for the match tomorrow?" and then they are talking, sitting there in a small corner of the library, and Regulus feels a sense of relaxation sitting with Remus who pops in and out of the conversation, and James, who makes him have to bite his cheek to stop himself from laughing.
and maybe, just maybe Regulus is a bit more fucked than he initially thought.
because he is pretty sure that he has fallen for James Potter.