I'm caught up in you
It's Mary's birthday, so naturally a party is in full swing
Food and alcohol being generously taken from the stashes the lads had gotten earlier, so much food that they had needed to take some of the girls to help to. "tickle the pear Evans" James had had quite a bit of fun teasing her before they had shown them the kitchens, one of their proudest discoveries, and peter's favourite. "is that a euphemism? because I thought we were done with this Potter" but she had been smirking
Mary was pleasantly surprised, and was already two firewhiskeys in, dancing with Lily and Sirius, as Remus watched over fondly. Peter had already knocked out cold, passed out on the floor, his tie secured around his head, Dorcas and Marlene had disappeared some time ago and were yet to rejoin the party. James stood by the wall, watching his friends have fun and enjoying the loud music that vibrated into his bones. He nursed a beer in his hand, the other in his pocket, trying not the fidget. He had been mulling the two encounters with Regulus Black around in his head, trying to decide whether or not he should tell Sirius.
James Potter was not known to be deceitful, lying was one of the things he had never been good at, sure he could tell a white lie when McGonnagal asks if he had had anything to do with a prank, but true lying made him feel sick, it was something that from an early age his parents had taught him was wrong.
James Potter didn't keep anything from Sirius Black, he was always the first to know, his nightmares, his fears, his aspirations, his first kiss, his first crush. But he wasn't sure this time, because what if it was no big deal, they had only spoken twice and nothing much had happened, all it would do would hurt Sirius, who was already feeling so conflicted about his brother. But how could not tell him? it was his brother and Sirius had opened up about missing Regulus, and it seemed wrong not to and-
"what's got you so down?" Mary had made her way over, cheeks flushed and brown concerned eyes focused on James, albeit a little unsteadily. "you're not allowed to be sad, it's my birthday"
"sorry" she placed her head on his arm, not tall enough to reach his shoulder, and hugged him from the side. He breathed in the smell of her shampoo, cinnamon, and tried to slow his mind.
"besides, at least one of us has to act like we're happy." that makes him turn his head, she's looking down and biting her lip.
"what's wrong?" she sighs, banging her head the wall
"I overheard Greengrass a couple of days ago, apparently Mulciber and that lot were talking about me and Lils" James' blood ran cold at the thought
"shit"
"yeah" she glances at him. "I mean, like after it happened, I remember just hating myself, truly truly hating myself and it's funny because it took ages for the anger and hatred towards them to actually sink in" she takes a breathe, collecting her thoughts. "And now the thought of them talking about me, fuck talking about Lils, as if we are dirt that they can trod on and hate but also what? try us on?" He hugs her, collecting her in his arms as she shakes slightly.
"you are so fucking strong McDonald" she snorts but he makes her look at him. "no I mean it, so strong and you survived and- and it's all so shit and this is something that you are gonna have to carry with you for the rest of your life even though they won't ever think on it again" he takes a breath "but you are standing here looking absolutely dashingly fit and you're safe and they didn't beat you, they didn't break you down, they made you grow thorns and come out stronger. you're still here, and they made you a beacon of hope for other muggleborns without even realising" "they look up to you and Evans because they see two strong women who are fighting for their lives and everyone else's" she's laughing, with tears in her eyes and he pulls her in for a hug again.
"thanks Jaz, but seriously do you just have these motivational speeches locked and loaded and ready to go" he grins at her, with a roll of his eyes.
"no, I'm just amazing" she takes his hand and squeezes it. and they both watch as the others dance merrily, singing at the top of their lungs. "you should go back and join them birthday girl. get utterly smashed"
"I'm planning on it, but first gotta check up on you" he raises a questioning eyebrow "I'm not the only one standing here instead of dancing"
'ah right, we really don't need to"
"how is it that you are literally the most giving person, you watch out for all of us like a bloody superhero, but when it comes to yourself, you feel what, as if your problems aren't worth our time?
it shouldn't take the breath out of him, but it does because once the words are said it's harder to escape the truth of them. because his life isn't worth complaining about, because Remus goes through hell and back every month, as his dad couldn't give a damn about him, because Peter's parents are always fighting and they use him as a weapon to cut the other deepest, because Lily and Mary are caught in two worlds, never truly belonging in either and having to fight for the chance of being seen as worthy, because Marlene lost her brother two years ago and hasn't recovered, because Frank's dad died last year fighting for the order, because Sirius had thought love was pain, and had flinched when given a hug, because Sirius had been made to become ruthless and cruel in the name of family
because James had only known love, love, love and his father is gone but he got to say goodbye, and his mother is here and loves him with everything she has, and he has friends that support him through every mistake he has made and every triumph.
And because what is James if not the support, the love, the comfort. who is he really if he isn't the perfect, happy joker?
"It's not that, its just" his mind is a jumble and he can't think of what he wants to say, what he needs to say. "I think about everything and my dad all the time, but thinking and talking and accepting are completely different things. because the moment I speak, a chasm opens and everything will fall apart, or away and it will never close, it will pour and pour and pour until I'm drained and there is nothing left except for missing him" Mary smiles at him, a small sad smile which doesn't look right on her usual open face.
"but James" she says it so softly, as if these next words need to be treated with care, need to be heard. "what is living if we don't let ourselves live? what is being happy if we don't let ourselves grieve? we're here for you Jaz, all of us are here to pick up the pieces, but only if you let yourself shatter, only if you let yourself fall"
fall, fall, fall. she leaves after that and James is left alone, his head aching with the words said.
The library is one of Regulus' favourite places in the castle, it's this comforting haven where he can hide within the fantasies of other worlds or occupy his mind with work, where he doesn't have to think, think, think.
he's sitting by his favourite table, looking out of the window that looks beyond the quidditch pitch and is thinking about the upcoming match between Slytherin and Ravenclaw. When it comes to Ravenclaw, they like to plan their plays around the other teams weaknesses, whereas Slytherins find brute force easier, that or just try and figure it out on the pitch. He hears a snort to his right and looks around to see Lily Evans and Remus Lupin studying together, playing some sort of game with their hands which he is assumes is some sort of muggle game.
Seeing the two of them, reminds him of Potter and their encounter from the other day, after Potter had gone admittedly, the boy had been on his mind when flying. and after. The two of them had never really spoken, and Regulus only really remembers feeling this sense of fascination and jealousy for the boy, both wanting to be him and hating him. Over the years, there hadn't been many interactions, even before Sirius had left and they would still speak, they didn't see each other much except for at matches and meal times.
It was for that reason, why Regulus felt it odd on how easy and flowing their conversations had been, how easy it had been for him to smile and laugh and joke with Potter, in ways he only really did with Barty. Another thing he was jealous of Potter was this too, his easiness to talk to anyone about anything, it was like he had never felt awkward in his life, never felt uncomfortable having a conservation with someone.
He had this calming sense about him, in all the ways that Sirius was storms and hurricanes and crashing waters into waves, Potter was sunny days and clear skies, and fresh blue waters that lap at the sand at beaches.
It takes him a moment to realise that he has stopped thinking about quidditch, and is now quite literally staring out the window daydreaming about James Potter, he immediately colours and turns away embarrassed with himself for thinking of such things. not that it matters, their not even friends. and it needs to stay that way, because in all the ways that his brother and Potter are different, there are hundreds more in their similarities.
and maybe that's why he liked speaking to him in the first place, that's why he felt a pang of hurt and loneliness when he walked away, because he is just like Sirius.
and deep down he misses his brother more than anything in the world, something so harsh that it physically hurts to look at him, to see how happy and ok and fine he is, to know he is doing better now that he has gone, when he himself, feels the ache in his chest and the gap in his heart which is meant for Sirius, always Sirius. When he himself needs him, will always go back to him like a moth to a flame.
because even if Sirius is better off without him, Regulus will always need his brother, because without him he is nothing.
and talking to James Potter makes him miss him all the more.
"Mr Potter if you could stay back a moment" the class had just been dismissed and they were all getting ready to go, when
McGonnagal stops him. Remus smiles reassuringly and tells him they will wait outside and then it is just him and Minnie.
"Minnie what can I do for you?" he tries for a smile, sitting at her desk where she watches him with concern. they had always both had a soft spot for the other.
"I understand that this summer has been terribly hard for you" he prepares himself, steadies his beating heart. "Mr Potter I just wanted you to know that I, and the rest of the staff are here to support you, my office is always open" They used to have weekly meetings, with biscuits and quidditch talk, it's with a sudden hit he realises it's been too long since he went to her and asked how she was. he gives her a thankful smile.
"Thanks Min" and then he walks out, not wanting to think about why she is worried for him. His entire world had been turned on its axis, he was a walking shadow of the person he had once been. But everyone kept saying he was better, better, better. Evans liked him, he was mature, he was growing up.
So why did it feel as though he had the lost the very essence of his being? why did it feel as though he had been turned inside out, all flesh and wounds exposed.
He needs a cigarette.
They all give him curious looks at dinner but. he ignores them and instead listens while Marlene chastises Peter for taking the last bread roll, and watches as Sirius helps Remus eat as the full moon is in a couple of days. His mind wanders, as does his gaze flitting over different people and tables, observing as Amos Diggory shouts down the Hufflepuff table wanting water, or Daisy Hookum on the Ravenclaw table who has spilt pumpkin juice on herself, or Regulus Black who rolls his eyes with a smirk, looking at Barty who is whispering something in his ear. he splutters, choking on his drink, eyes full of platinum silver swirling with joy.
"what the bloody hell are you looking at Oi! pay me attention" Sirius' voice awakens him, his eyes snapping to his friend who pouts while Remus shakes his head.
"you're such a baby" Remus replies and Sirius is dramatically falling, leaning on Lily for support
"Lillian my love, protect me from this slander"
"you do realise that's not my name." he gives her a look so she rolls her eyes and points her bread knife at Remus, mirth in her eyes. "how dare you Lupin" who puts his hands up in surrender.
"you can deal with him then, I'll take prongs" they all laugh as James clears his throat loudly and dramatically takes Remus' hand
"Moony my love, do you take this lamb chop as my way of asking you to be with me, for now, for forever and for always"
"of course!"
The feeling of someone watching him makes him turn, of course most of the school has watched his dramatic performance, but one pair is burning into his back. His eyes meet Regulus' across a vast sea, and time stops. he doesn't think before he's winking at the boy and turning back, willing himself not to blush. when he chances a glance again it's to find Regulus looking down, a small smile playing on his lips.