And when you're close
The letter came at breakfast, a sleek envelope with the Black crest embedded into it. breathe, breathe, breathe
his hands shook with the it, with the dread, worry, hope
Because when he was at school he didn't have to think about being an heir, he still had to be a Black but he could be Regulus.
the letter is a list of suitable women for him to be betrothed to.
No hello, No goodbye
there is a small 'hope you are well' but the writing is not his mothers, nor is it his fathers
he shouldn't feel disappointment, but he does.
lonely, lonely, lonely
He doesn't know why he does it, but he looks to the Gryffindor table in hope of what he doesn't know.
grey eyes meet grey
his brother is watching him carefully, is there suspicion?
If Regulus was seen as being a successful liar; mask, mask, mask, then is brother was tenfold, he had taught him to close off.
He looks back down at the letter in his hand, at the countless names of pureblood women
he wants to be sick.
"What's this?" Barty takes the letter, confusion written in his frown
"suitable women for me to marry" can he hear the shakiness of Regulus' voice, hear the dread
he doesn't want this, he doesn't want this
he wouldn't have this if it weren't for Sirius
he would have years not months
if it weren't for Sirius
Sirius who is still watching him, however another pair of eyes have latched on, brown ones that observe him curiously
as if he is something to be studied, watched, monitored
he tries for his best cold glare before turning back to Barty who is chewing on his lip with concentration
"there must be a way to get out of this" and then he whispers angrily, mindful of the observers who are undoubtedly listening
Slytherins are always very nosy "they can't actually be serious! you're fucking fourteen years old"
"almost fifteen, in December" Barty isn't amused, and that makes Regulus feel worse because if even his friend can't laugh then its bad
bad, bad, bad
"they can't do this" that earns a scoff, how naive people can be
"yes, yes they can and they will." he looks down "they have probably planned when I'll have my children too, I bet earliest 18" And Barty is taking his hand under the table.
breathe breathe, breathe
"we'll figure this out alright reggie, I've got you"
he knows its wrong and stupid and damning, but despite it all, heh holds onto that, holds onto Barty and lets himself believe that it will be ok
even though he knows it's not
nothing is or will ever be ok.
"I need to speak with him" Sirius is pacing in their dormitory, Remus is trying to calm him down, Peter is watching with slightly anxious features and James if feeling guilt, guilt, guilt
because he needs to tell him right? he needs to tell him that he, James Potter has spoken to him, twice, and there was no fighting
and, and Sirius will kill him
or he won't but he will get this look in his eyes; betrayal or jealousy or hurt
His stomach is in knots, and he can't look, he can't watch his best friend tear his hair out like this
"Pads" he clears his throat "I-um I haven't been sleeping, going to the quidditch pitch and" he takes a breath "well I've seen your brother couple of times, we've talked" breathe, breathe, breathe
its silent
Sirius has stopped moving.
"Prongs look at me" so he does, he wretches his gaze from the floor to find Sirius looking at him, but there isn't betrayal or jealousy.
he just looks lost, lost, lost. "was he ok?" Even Remus looks surprised, having been readying himself for a Sirius Black outburst
'well I mean they were pretty short encounters, but yeah seemed all right" he pauses as Sirius nods along slowly "but I mean we all know how good you guys are at hiding and I doubt he would have told me anything so"
"right yeah ok" and then the two boys are looking at each, having one of their many silent conversations.
"no" James says, having caught on to what Sirius was thinking. "no pads, that- just talk to himself"
"but-"
"that would be using him though, besides you are the ones that need to talk "
"right someone please explain what's going on" Remus pipes up
"he wants me to keep going to the pitch and get closer to Regulus so I can get information and relay It to him"
"he won't talk to me himself! I don't-i just that's not what I meant!" Sirius looks so bloody sad and it breaks his heart. he hugs his friend. "I-Prongs you don't have to tell me whatever he tells you"
"wait what" and now they are all looking at him, confused.
"don't you get it? it's not about using him to get information I just want my brother to be ok and he won't talk to me ok? he won't and even if he did I will always ask him to leave and it might put him in a dangerous position and- and if there is anyone in this world that could help him, it would be you Prongs. and fine maybe I was thinking later on if you guys ever became friends we could think about mending our relationship but I- I don't want him to be lonely"
"ok"
"yeah"
"Pads you're my best friend and I know how much this is hurting you and I worry about him too you know, because we all know what you went through, what you both went through. I mean he might actually hate me, I really have no idea but yes of course I will help him. He's not a bad person and honestly quite fun to talk to"
"ok cool, right. I'm just gonna-" and then Sirius is out of the door, his fingers searching for a cigarette.
"well that was...unexpected" Peter announces to the room, they both turn to look at him and he just rolls his eyes and lies down. "what I was just saying"
well, James doesn't really know what he has gotten himself into.
"well, well, well fancy seeing you here" It's dark and Regulus finds himself in the company of one James Potter, except this time the boy is sitting down in the grass looking up at the sky. As usual his cheeky grin is plastered on his face.
"at this point I wouldn't call it coincidence, I would call it you literally waiting for me in the dark, which is both creepy and a little sad "
"um thats kind of rude, here I am giving up my precious seconds to keep you company" That shouldn't make his stomach flutter, it really really shouldn't
"and why, may I ask would you be doing this?" And Potter drops the dramatics, studying Regulus intently, too intently
"Because you have dark circles around your eyes, because you clearly can't sleep and neither can I" Regulus raises his brow, trying to keep a facade of uncaring and bored, "well it was either lie in bed, alone with my thoughts orrrrr come out here and hang with my new bestie reggie" Regulus can't fathom how he can so quickly change his tone, his mood. "oh come on, sit down we both know if you didn't want to be here you would have gone by now" So he does, not without huffing and rolling his eyes first, but Potter just grins
"that won't push me away, you know the whole rolling eyes act, if anything that just pulls me in more" and Regulus just wants him to stop, stop with the ridiculous and perfect smile, stop with the kind words and his annoyingly deep and warm voice
stop, stop, stop
because he is exhausted and he can feel his walls coming down and he doesn't know what to do with that.
"why can't you sleep?" he wasn't going to ask the question, but he does and James grow stiff.
"well I get nightmares" he says so simply, not an ounce of shame or embarrassment. "nasty stuff they are"
"yeah" his voice is quiet, picking at strands of grass, but he can feel Potter's gaze burning into his side, he's sure that he's flushed.
"right your turn, why can't you sleep?" and he could lie, spew something off about reading in the library or hanging out with Slytherins but he's tired, tired, tired
of lying, of pretending
of feeling so fucking lonely that sometimes he thinks he will choke with it
"nightmares" his voice doesn't shake. "it feels like I've always had them "he turns when he hears Potter shuffling, and watches with surprise as he pulls out a packet of cigarettes, he only knows about the muggle things because of Barty who had tried them in spite of his father
"want one?" he's got one of them in between his lips and bloody hell Regulus doesn't think it's fair how bloody perfect he looks, even here with his hair all messy and tartan pyjamas that are two sizes too small.
"no, I'm good" he shrugs before putting them away. James mutters a quiet "incendio" and then the languid flames erupt
Later Regulus would blame it on him being so mesmerised with the smoke and watching Potter makes swirls and shapes, but in reality he did it because in that moment in a muddy pitch, the beginnings of morning due settling on the blades of grass, he felt. safe, safe, safe
he felt a calming, a slowing of his heart, there was no weight compressing it nor was there voices, voices, voices echoing in his head
it was silent, it was blissful, it was safe
he takes the envelope out of his pocket and Potter is wide-eyed staring at him with apprehension. "I didn't even bother trying to sleep, I knew that this would keep me up" he stretches out his hand. Potter hesitates before taking the envelope, eyes flickering, uncertain
"before you give this to me, you need to know that Sirius knows that we talk, sometimes." and the breath is taken from his lungs and he can feel it all coming back the panic, the crushing, crushing, crushing "but you also need to know that if you tell me not to say a word, I won't" His grey eyes meet his brown ones and he swallows.
maybe he is drunk on exhaustion or keeping up appearances, maybe it's Potter that he's drunk on but either way he gives the letter to Potter
he doesn't watch as he reads through the names, however unlike Barty he is a pureblood and realisation spreads over his face
"shit" and hysterical laughter breaks from his chest, like a bird opening its cage, like a star exploding in the night sky
"yeah so, there's not point telling him" he can't say his name out loud "it wouldn't do anything, there is nothing to be done" Potter stops, so clearly fighting to not say something and Regulus knows what, good, hopeful James Potter is going to say. "don't, please don't ask me to leave" it's quiet and defeated but Potter shakes his head softly
"Okay" and he's smiling but it's not a wide grin, its not his strained grimace, it's a small thing, timid and small, it's precious and soft and Regulus just knows that this is a special smile
special, special, special
he has never been special but this smile makes him feel it, and he's smiling back, barely a twitch but it's there and he knows Potter sees it too.
Regulus mind supplies the word, beautiful, that is how he would describe this moment, this boy in front of him.
beautiful
too bright to look at, yet too bright to look away.
golden, golden, golden
so maybe what Regulus feels is more than admiration, or awe, or jealousy
the only truth he knew was that his heart was pounding and his eyes couldn't leave the boy in front of him.
boy, boy, boy
Potter, Potter, James
James