I want to help
“No? What’s a horcrux? It doesn’t sound good.”
Barty and Evan made eye contact, seeming to be trying to decide how much to tell him before Regulus got back.
“It’s not.” Evan muttered, sitting back and looking away, clearly having decided that he was going to say any more.
Regulus re-entered the room shortly after, holding a few books with bits of paper sticking out of a small chunk of the pages, scribbled with notes in three different kinds of handwriting, James recognised each one as belonging to each man in the room.
“I don’t think there’s a better way to tell you but you aren’t going to trust us enough to not rat us out to your order if we don’t tell you at all so I guess we have to.”
“Why are you being so mysterious about it?”
Evan spoke up again, sounding nervous.
“It’s dark stuff, James. Darker than anything we ever did before we changed our minds. There’s barely any research on it because of how rare it is and how scared of it people are.”
The atmosphere in the room was enough to choke them. James could feel the fear settle in his chest.
“What is it?”
Regulus walked up to him and dropped a book into his lap, opening it onto a heavily annotated page and stepping back so James could read it, sitting in the armchair to his left and watching as James stared at the page curiously.
“It’s probably best if you read it yourself. Then you know we’re not lying.”
He pulled the book closer and read the passage at the top of the page, struggling to make out exactly what it said due to the writing all over the words.
‘A horcrux is a kind of very old, very dark magic that only a few have achieved. In order to make a horcrux, a life must be taken for part of a soul to be transferred to an object, making the wizard invincible in turn. The only way the wizard can be killed is if the horcrux is destroyed, as it destroys the soul with it. This type of magic is very strong and very advanced and discovery of it being used can result in an Azkaban sentence and if the horcrux is found and taken care of, a dementor’s kiss.’
The article went on to talk about a great deal of things linked to horcruxes, how long it has been since the last recorded creation of one and delved into the magic behind it. James looked at the notes on the page, pointing out important things like how to destroy one and the fact they could be anything.
“So, you think he’s made one?”
Evan nodded. “At least. We’ve only found the location of one, I’m sure Reg can tell you how,” Regulus shuddered and nodded. “But we think he’s made more. Knowing him, it’s probably more like five or six. He’s certainly not the sort to be put off by the process of it, that’s for sure. And don’t you think that if there was only one, Dumbledore would have taken care of it by now?”
James shook his head slightly, brows furrowed in confusion. “How do you know Dumbledore knows about it?”
Laughing rather hysterically, Barty shook his head and Evan gave him a warning look and turned back to James to explain.
“Well, he has to, hasn’t he? He is Dumbledore’s worst enemy, he is the one he is leading a war against so surely he would know this about him. I mean, if three 18-year-olds were able to figure it out, he must have done ages ago. Do you see what I mean?”
“Yes…but if he knows about them, why wouldn’t he have gotten rid of them or told us about them?”
That time, it was Regulus who scoffed. Evan took a deep breath and continued explaining.
“Because it’s all planned. You saw what he was like at school, always putting things in place so everything would go his way whilst looking like it was entirely random, like he couldn’t have predicted it. He has been sly in this war, trying to find crafty new ways to lure vulnerable people onto his side so he can use them and toss them away when he is done with them.”
“What do you mean?”
“Evan.” Regulus cut in but Evan didn’t listen to him.
“In our sixth year-”
“Evan.” Regulus was more firm with his voice this time. Evan looked scared to continue in case it got Regulus on his bad side but Barty helped him along.
“Go on, tell him, he needs the full story about what his great leader has done.”
James wasn’t feeling too great about what he was going to hear but knew it would be important and maybe alter his stance on the war.
“He called a few students into his office. One at a time, spread across a few weeks to make it look random.”
“Evan!” Regulus very clearly did not want James to know what had happened but that only made James want to know about it even more.
“No, go on. I want to know.”
“And he asked us to help him in the war.” He looked toward Regulus nervously but he seemed to have given up, so Evan continued his story.
“He didn’t ask us how we were, or what help he could give us in return. He pulled out students from families he knew supported the war and ones that may help give him insight otherwise. He asked both Reg and I if we would join him and tell him about our families’ every move. He didn’t ask us if we needed help leaving the houses, he just wanted tools to fight with. He had assisted…your best friend in getting out because he was in Gryffindor but we had no chance because we were Slytherins. It’s why he didn’t immediately try to help Reg after finding out what they did to…”
“It’s okay, you can say her name. They’re important to the discussion, I won’t skin you for it.”
“Yeah, well, it’s why he gave no interest to Reg after getting…Sirius, out. He assumed that because he was a Slytherin, he was a superfan of the dark lord and not worth helping.”
“Well, at the time I was. Not a superfan, but you know what I mean.”
“Yeah, but he could have at least asked you if you needed help! It’s his job to protect children but all he’s doing is picking and choosing his favourites based on what a crusty hat said back in-”
Regulus raised a finger. “Barty. Stop, that isn’t relevant. Go on then, Evan. You’ve told him this much, I think he needs to know the rest now.”
“Yes, okay. He asked some people for other reasons too, still tactical, but different.”
Barty nodded. “Yup. He asked me because he wanted me to use my dad’s power in the ministry to spy on what the ministry was doing. As if he was that low on help that he needed to ask a child to do it for him!”
“Exactly. He didn’t care about us, I asked him and all he said was ‘Do you not want to help the war effort, Mr Rosier? We must all be selfless in these kinds of situations.’ as if that was a valid response to a child asking to be helped out of the shithole of a home he sends them back to each year!”
“Oh,” James was starting to see everything from a different perspective. “So you think he already knows about these…horcruxes and is just…not telling anyone?”
“Yes. We think he is saving the information for a certain moment. And we think that is because if he tells anyone, he will lose trust and wouldn't be able to carry his plan through. We suspect his plan contains some level of manipulation and likely a death or two.”
“So…what are you gonna do about it? Are you gonna tell someone?”
“No,” Barty put his mug down and smirked. “We’re gonna hunt them down and destroy them.”
“You’re going to find them all?”
The three of them nodded and James didn’t know what to think. They seemed honest in the fact that they had changed their minds and turned against him but he was still somewhat wary around them just in case.
“Yeah. We already know one so once we destroy that one, we should be able to use that information to destroy the rest easily.”
“You’re going to do it yourself?”
“Yes, we’re hoping we have enough research to-“
Regulus leaned over and swatted his arm. “Evan! You’re telling him too much.”
“I’m sorry! I was just answering his questions.”
“Well don’t.”
James wasn’t even thinking when he spoke. “I want to help.”
Regulus said “No.” at the same time as Barty said “Yes!” and Evan looked between the three of them awkwardly.
Regulus and Barty glared at each other for a few seconds before Barty leaned back in his chair and threw his arms out dramatically.
“Fine! A democracy,” he looked around at the room and smiled. “It’s currently already two against one but we play fairly here so Evan, what do you think? Are we letting him join us or not?”
Evan paused, his eyes widening as he tried to think of a response that wouldn’t get him on anybody’s bad side. James instantly felt guilty, he knew that Evan hated confrontation and tried to please people as much as he could, it was something he had picked up from his childhood after being expected to obey every instruction and always say the right thing. James had told him once that he must have picked it up as a responsibility and that it would be difficult to overcome. He had also told him that he would never put him in this situation and he inadvertently did just then. Though, he supposed he had done it back in March, too, when he ordered him to explain himself and made him stumble to try and think of what to say that would make James happy whilst also not lying to the both of them. It was a memory he preferred to neglect. James didn’t know why he remembered that about him but didn’t let it bother him as much as before. He didn’t seem to carry as much self-hatred for it after they had told him the truth. Or, well, he hoped it was the truth. Knowing what he now did took the guilt of still caring for them away just enough to let himself relax when little things like this surfaced in his memory.
Barty seemed to notice at the same time as James and stood up, walked over to Evan, past Regulus, who was glaring at the ground, and flopped into the space next to him, throwing an arm over his shoulder and resting his head on top of Evan’s.
“Come on, love. Honest opinion, nobody is going to judge you. We want to make a group decision and you are part of this group so you have to join in or it won’t be fair. Just tell us what you think and we can all make a decision from there.”
He waited as Evan carefully crafted a response, still being careful about what he said and looking around at the room slowly, to see if anyone got angry at what he was saying.
“I mean…it is dangerous. And it really isn’t anything to do with you, we’re fine on our own…and you would be safer to go back to your friends and pretend you never heard it because at least if you never saw us again, you would know that we weren’t…that anymore.”
James tried to hide his disappointment, Barty closed his eyes to keep in his annoyance and Regulus smiled, gesturing across the space towards Evan.
Evan gulped and took a deep breath, looking down at his hands.
“But,” Everyone stared expectantly and Evan looked up at James, blocking the other two out. “I think it’s honestly all your choice and that we shouldn’t be the ones to stop you if you want to help because you really could be useful and if we chose to help do this, you should have the choice to as well. As long as you realise it would mean becoming truly neutral in the war and not telling anyone why you keep disappearing for weeks at a time. If you understand all of that and don’t mind then…I suppose we can’t stop you.”
James smiled triumphantly and Evan looked away again.
They were all awkwardly trying to think of the right thing to say for a good while and eventually Regulus was the first one to think of something.
“At least think about it before you blindly follow us. You don’t even know us anymore so don’t think about coming with us just to spend some time with us now you know we aren’t disgusting monsters.”
“You think this is just about you? As if I don’t want Voldemort dead as much as the rest of you do!”
Their heads all snapped up to stare at him in shock and James shrugged. “Surely the first step to walking away is to stop fearing? It’s just a name.” They looked between themselves quietly. James sighed.
“Well, we’re gonna work on that, then. But I am helping you, okay?”
Regulus seemed to have gained a bit of his stubborn confidence from before.
“Well, you can at least go home and think about it first. Maybe then, you’ll realise what a stupid idea it was and give up.”
“I’ll be back tomorrow to tell you the verdict. And I am 100% sure it will not have changed from now. Sorry to disappoint but I tend to stick to my word and I have said I am going to help so I am going to help. I assume I am allowed to leave now?”
Regulus checked the time and nodded. “Whatever you want. The curses should all be out of your system by now so you are no longer our responsibility.”
“Until tomorrow, that is.” Barty unhelpfully added. James grinned at him.
“Precisely.” They smiled at each other for a moment. “So, is the floo working or…?”
“Oh, no. One of the first things we did was disable it, to make it safer and everything. We didn’t want to take any chances, you know? You can apparate but you’ll have to go to the end of the garden to do it.”
“Sure, sounds good. I suppose I can just apparate here by remembering the surroundings, then? For tomorrow.”
“Yeah, that should work. We could give you the address but there is always a chance you could pass it onto somebody else after so we’d like to be careful.”
James nodded in understanding, trying not to scream when Regulus muttered under his breath.
“Can’t exactly blame us for not trusting someone who was willing to tell his big leader about us when he found out we picked a side he didn’t want us to.”
“What is your problem? What happened to how it was yesterday? When you practically begged me to take that potion and said it was because you loved me? What happened to that?”
Regulus began inspecting his nails. “I never actually said those words.”
“Right, of course.” He had remembered most of the things about his boys but had seemed to have forgotten about how stubborn and flat out brutal Reg could be when he thought you wanted to use him or trick him. If you didn’t have his complete trust or if he thought showing how he felt would make him vulnerable, he would lock everything away and act completely unbothered all the time. It was tiring to be on the receiving end of it but James couldn’t even imagine how bad it must be for Regulus now if he was reverting back to how he was in what James liked to think of as the early days. He knew he didn’t hate him after what he had said the day before but he knew that he wasn’t exactly on his best side at the moment. Hopefully, they could rekindle that trust when James came back. Because he was coming back. That was inarguable.
“Yeah, okay, we don’t have time for this. We’ll see you tomorrow, right, James?”
He nodded and stepped towards the door, wanting to get out of this awkward situation as soon as he possibly could. Barty turned toward him before he could leave the living room.
“Think about it. Really, I would love to have you come along but you need to make the right decision for yourself, yeah? Don’t jump into danger when you can’t take it.”
He nodded again and grabbed the doorframe, ready to turn and go, but Barty stopped him again. He stepped closer and placed a hand on his shoulder, leaning in and pressing a quick kiss to James’ lips before backing away. “See you tomorrow, Jamie.”
“I-erm, yeah, thanks.” And with that, he rushed out of the house and down the path.
-
As James walked into the flat, he was deep in thought, trying to rationalise everything that had just happened at that house, especially the last part. He was broken out of his thoughts when he heard a clatter and saw Sirius standing in the middle of his living room, having just dropped whatever it was he was holding.
He smiled and spread his arms, trying to look as casual as possible as he went in for a hug but instead got a big shock when Sirius shoved him and crossed her arms, scowling at him.
“Where. The. Fuck. Were. You?”
Remus walked into the room to see what all of the commotion was about and immediately froze when he sensed the tension in the air between the two best friends.
“Why are you so panicked? Have you been hiding around in my flat since yesterday? I was fine, why are you so-”
“Because this is a war, James! It’s a bloody war and you went missing all night after a battle! What did you expect us to think? You were gone for 26 hours! That classes as being missing, so you know. We were about to go and report it. We had been scared of the wrong people hearing about you being gone but we were getting desperate. We hadn’t heard a word from you and you didn’t respond to my patronus so we were all terrified! We ended up sending Pete out to try and spy on people to see if they had heard anything! You can’t just do that to us in the middle of a war you absolute cunt!”
He struggled to take all of the information in. “You sent a patronus?”
Sirius stood open-mouthed, gaping at James, then at a rather stressed looking Remus, then back at James.
“I sent five, five, James,” They looked to be on the verge of tears, whether the tears wouldn’t have been of relief, anger or sadness, James did not know. “You know what my fucking patronus looks like, so why did you ignore it?”
James couldn’t think of a good response so he instead turned to playing dumb, knowing it wouldn’t work but praying it would give him more time to think. “I do?”
“Yes, James! You do! You’ve seen it before so don’t even pretend. Big, silver wolf, looks kind of like did Moony last week when we went on that midnight stroll, it’s sort of hard to miss.”
Remus laughed but immediately slapped a hand over his mouth and left, knowing it was not the best situation to be laughing in.
“Sorry, I must have been asleep.” He would have to ask tomorrow if any of them had seen it and why they didn’t tell him about it.
Sirius gritted their teeth and leaned against the wall for support. “Asleep where, James?”
“…and why, pray tell, were you at Hogwarts?”
This is where James realised he had picked the worst excuse he possibly could.
“Because I had a meeting with Dumbledore.”
Sirius scoffed. “And why did you have to go to the school for that? Why couldn’t he just come down here like he normally does?”
“Because it was secret. He’s sending me out to do something important and couldn’t risk anybody overhearing so I had to go to school because it was the safest place he could think of. I can’t tell you anything about it, he made me swear nobody else would hear about it. And I fell asleep because he was late so I sat and waited and fell asleep for a while, that’s all.”
“You sat…in Dumbledore’s office…to wait for him…and managed to fall asleep?” It appeared that Sirius was getting more and more angry with everything James said.
“Yeah? He called for me just after the battle but had an important meeting he was suddenly called to just before I got there so I ended up waiting a few hours because I didn’t know how long he would be. He arrived eventually and told me about a special mission he had for me and told me what I needed to do. Unfortunately, it does mean I will be away for a few weeks but I trust the people he is sending me with and you don’t really doubt Dumbeldore, do you?”
He felt almost sick saying that last part. Lying to his friends in general made him hate himself but he couldn’t tell them the truth, he just couldn’t.
“Alright, fine. But what…what would happen if we went and asked Dumbledore about this tomorrow? What would he say?”
James shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. “He would probably pretend he didn’t know what you mean. It’s supposed to be kept secret so he wouldn’t tell you anything. He would think you would want to use whatever he said to find me and bring me back.”
“He wouldn’t be wrong.”
They fell into an uncomfortable silence, then Remusdecided to come back into the room and turned to James. “Then how do we know you’re telling the truth? What if you were kidnapped by death eaters?”
I sort of was. “If I had been kidnapped by Death Eaters, do you really think I would come back completely unscathed?”
“Well, you would if they convinced you to become a spy for them.”
“And why would I ever agree to that? They are killing our friends, Moony, why would I join them?”
Remus shook his head and walked back through to the kitchen. “I don’t know. Just paranoid, I guess.”
“So, you're leaving tomorrow? When?”
James hadn’t discussed this with the others. “Around noon, I need to go to the school to talk things through with Dumbledore before I go. Just to make sure I know what I’m doing. I should be able to drop around and say bye first though.”
Sirius looked disappointed but nodded.
James walked through to the bathroom, locking the door behind him and sitting with his back pressed up against the sink, head between his knees, trying to figure out how everything was going to go from here.