is this regulus black?
“I’d like to make it official with you, if that's alright,” James said, looking up at Regulus, stormy grey eyes meeting warm hazel ones. “Will you be my boyfriend?”
What could Regulus say to him?
The answer was obviously yes, there was no doubt in his mind that the answer to James’ question was yes, yes, let yourself be mine and nobody else’s, and I’ll do the same in return. Let me know you and see you in ways that no one else could comprehend. Let me devote myself to you, James, let me worship you. But truthfully, could he allow himself to let James care for him like that?
After an entire lifetime of building walls, only letting certain people in, rebuilding his trust and his life after broken relationships, his first chance at a meaningful relationship was sitting in front of him, staring at him with the most endearing, loving look in his eyes.
“I’d love to be your boyfriend, James,” Regulus said.
James’ face immediately lit up, squeezing Regulus’ hand. “Can I kiss you?” He asked excitedly. Reg nodded, and James immediately captured his lips in a bruising kiss, making Reg nearly fall off of the bench. He reached up and tangled his fingers in James’ hair, and he felt James move his hands to his waist, holding onto Reg’s hips carefully.
Kissing James felt like when you were a kid, and your family would get those handheld sparklers for all the younger kids. You’d hold them, watching the sparks fly and dance around you, knowing that with one wrong move, you’d get hurt, or someone else would get hurt. It was delicate balance, an act of self control to not let the sparkler get too close to your fingers, or too close to anyone else. He knew James wouldn’t hurt him, because James is James, but the fear bubbled in his chest, threatening to boil and spill over like an unwatched pot of water on a stovetop.
James pulled away first, nudging Regulus’ nose with his own. “I like kissing you,” He said with a bright grin that made Regulus’ heart flip in his chest.
“I like kissing you too,” Reg replied quietly, his hands dropping from James’ hair to rest on his broad shoulders.
He felt James rest his forehead against his own, his brown eyes fluttering shut. They sat in silence for a few moments before they finally went inside, James’ hand immediately resting on Regulus’ thigh when they sat back down in the booth with their friends.
“Where’d you guys go?” Pandora asked, watching as they sat back down.
Sirius smirked, taking a drink from his beer. “Looks like James finally grew a set. What’d you say?” He asked Regulus.
Regulus rolled his eyes, leaning back against the booth and grabbing his drink. “I said yes, you douchebag.”
“He asked you out? Finally!” Mary exclaimed, reaching out to grab Regulus’ hand. “I’m so happy for you two. Tell me if James hurts you, I’ll rip his heart out of his chest.”
“She would; she’s very scary,” Lily confirmed, running her fingers through Mary’s hair.
Regulus chuckled, squeezing Mary’s hand as a ‘thank you’. Pandora quickly chimed in, adding her own threat of personal violence towards James if he dared to hurt Regulus. James quickly realised that Regulus’ friends were, indeed, terrifying. He didn’t mind, though; they showed time and time again that they cared about Reg, and that’s all that mattered to him.
The night lasted until around 2am; Lily and Mary had left first, since they had to open the shop early the next morning. Remus drove Sirius and Pandora home, since they lived somewhat close to each other, and Dorcas went home with Marlene. After James had dropped Regulus back at his flat, Regulus flopped down on his bed, grabbing one of his pillows and screaming into it.
“Fuck, I’m so gone for this boy,” Regulus mumbled, before changing into his pajamas, setting his binder aside for the next day, and going to bed.
[09:14] good morning baby :)
[09:15] someone’s cheery this morning
good morning, my love
[09:15] just saying good morning to my Boyfriend
my Boyfriend who i’m Dating
[09:16] is this what dating you is going to be like?
[09:17] yes :D
[09:17] i can’t wait
i need to go get ready for therapy
[09:17] call me
while u get ready
[09:18] why?
[09:18] cuz i miss ur voice
[09:19] oh my god
okay fine
[ Incoming Call ]
james potter <3
[ Accept ] [ Decline ]
“Good morning, my love.”
“Mornin’,”
“You sound so happy to talk to me.”
“...‘m just tired, leave me alone.”
“Grumpy boy. What time do you have therapy?”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Did you fall back asleep?”
“Hm?”
“Honey, you need to get up.”
“I don’t want to.”
“But you need to!”
“What if I ghost her and never go?”
“I mean, that wouldn’t be a smart move.”
“…says who?”
“Says me.”
“Mmm.”
“Reg.”
”…”
“...you still need to get up though, darling.”
“Not if I cease to exist.”
“Not allowed.”
“...fuck. Fine, I’ll get up.”
“Good boy.”
“Shut up. I’m getting ready now.”
[ skip to next line break to avoid talks of abuse and transphobia ]
Nightmares were not unfamiliar to Regulus.
The worst ones had started shortly after Sirius had left, fear ripping through his chest and plaguing his dreams with images of the night Sirius left. The screaming, the fighting, the sound of Sirius’ body hitting the floor and the walls when he was struck by their father. He’d been looking into a therapist for a bit; since he began speaking to James, he’d been pushing Regulus to get professional help for his trauma, and Reg couldn’t deny that therapy could help.
It had taken him awhile to fully begin the process of seeking out a therapist, but after James had recommended one of his previous mentors, he figured he might as well take the first steps to getting better, or at the very least getting stable. Plus, anything to help the nightmares was greatly appreciated in the long run.
So there he was; sitting in the waiting room of his new therapist’s office, knee bouncing up and down rapidly. He fiddled with his rings, occasionally glancing at the bright analog clock above the receptionist’s desk. He’d gotten there 30 minutes early, and since he didn’t have a car to sit in (and, frankly, he didn’t want to sit on his bike for 30 minutes), he’d gone inside. His appointment was at 11am; it was 10:56. Regulus let his head fall back against the wall behind him, shifting uncomfortably in the hard wooden chair he was seated in.
Suddenly, a tall woman emerged from the hallway. She was wearing a dark emerald green blouse, her grey hair pulled up into a bun on the back of her head. The woman gave Regulus a soft smile. “Regulus Black?” She asked, and Regulus looked up at her quickly.
“Yes, that’s me,” He said, standing up from his seat.
The woman smiled. “Come with me, dear,” She said, leading him down a walkway to her office.
Her office looked very comfortable, Regulus noted. On her desk there was a candle burning, giving the room a soft glow. There was a large navy blue couch sitting against the wall, and directly across from it was a matching armchair. “I try not to keep the overhead lights on,” She said. Regulus took note of her Scottish accent. It was lovely. “I know sometimes it stresses my clients out, and they give me dreadful migraines. I have candles, small lamps, whatever you’d prefer.” She said, turning to look back at Regulus.
He looked back. “The candles are fine for me,” He responded. Regulus glanced back towards her desk. There was a small ornate golden picture frame, seemingly of her and her spouse on their wedding day. There were no posters on the wall, but Regulus immediately noticed the small bundle of pride flags sitting in a cup on the edge of her desk. His chest warmed, thankful that she, at the very least, was LGBTQ+ friendly. He’d heard horror stories from Pandora about her past therapist being a homophobe, so needless to say he was a bit concerned. There was a small name placard sitting behind her computer monitor, facing him.
Dr. Minerva McGonagall, Cognitive Behavioural Therapist, the placard read in gold writing.
“Take a seat, dear,” Minerva instructed. Regulus made his way over to the couch, watching as she lit the candle sitting on the coffee table between them.
Regulus ran his fingers through his hair, adjusting the hood of the sweatshirt he was wearing. Minerva picked up a small notebook and a pencil, adjusting her glasses on her nose before sitting down in her respective seat.
“So,” She began. “I’ll tell you a bit about myself before we begin. My name is Minerva, but you can call me Minnie if you so choose. I’ve been a therapist for 25 years, I became licensed when I was 27. My specialties are childhood trauma, PTSD, and gender and sexuality related trauma.”
Regulus nodded, fidgeting with a loose thread on the couch.
“In your inquiry, you said you would like to seek therapy due to…” She trailed off, reaching over to grab a piece of paper off of her desk. Minnie read through it for a moment. “The transphobia and abuse you faced at the hands of your parents, is that correct?” She asked.
Regulus nodded again. “Yes,” He said. “I…I had a very traumatic childhood, I’d like to work on becoming more…mentally stable, I suppose.” He said with a dry laugh.
Minnie let out a short, quiet laugh, setting the paper back down on her desk. “Well, I suppose the best thing for us to begin with is…well, the beginning, if you’re comfortable.”
Regulus didn’t understand why his chest suddenly tightened, his hands started shaking more than they had been. You idiot, his brain said. You haven’t told anyone the full story since it happened. Which was true. Regulus hadn’t told anyone other than Andromeda, Pandora, and Dorcas the full story. Partially because every time he told it, he could barely even finish the story before he was in tears, hands shaking and throat burning. He cleared his throat, looking up at the ceiling.
“I apologize in advance if I cry,” Regulus said.
All Minnie did was carefully place a box of tissues in front of him.
There was a few minutes of silence, filled with an internal battle of where to begin. Eventually, he decided to begin with his childhood. When Regulus was younger, he read. A lot. There was hardly ever a time where he didn’t have a book on him; in his bag, in his hand, smaller ones stuffed in his coat pockets at large family events so he could sneak off and read them in the bathroom when things inevitably became overwhelming. Which, they often did. Him and Sirius’ family were entertainers at heart; they held large and lavish gatherings, with the two children expected to be on their best behavior. So Regulus would sneak off to the bathroom, or his bedroom, or the attic, pull the worn down copy of a classic novel out of his dress pocket, and read; seek a momentary refuge from the bustling crowds of people. Sometimes Andromeda or Narcissa would join him; Andy would listen to him explain the book he was reading, Narcissa would simply sit there in silence with him. Oftentimes, he was alone.
For Sirius, that meant engaging in conversations that no 13 year old should be having; economics, business, politics, foreign policy. It meant acting 25 when you had barely started puberty, staying by their father’s side the entire night. If you stumbled over your words, or embarrassed Orion or Walburga in any way, the consequences would be brutal.
For Regulus, that meant staying quiet, subdued, not speaking unless spoken to. And, if you were spoken to, keep your answers short and sweet, as to not bother the men with your presence. It meant waking up early the next morning and nursing both of your parents through their inevitable hangovers, making breakfast and coffee for them while they spat nothing but more requests, more demands out of you.
“When did you realize you were transgender?” Minnie asked.
Regulus swallowed thickly. Christ, when did he start crying? He rubbed his cheeks, wiping the tears off of them. “When I was 14. My brother, Sirius, had just run away from our family. My parents weren’t accepting of me at all, so they isolated me from everyone.”
Minnie nodded, carefully scrawling notes down in her notepad. She didn’t take her gaze away from Regulus at all; it was a bit scary at first, but he soon found comfort in it. He sighed.
“They isolated me from everyone I knew; pulled me out of school, started homeschooling me. They took away my phone and forbade me from contacting anyone who wasn’t related to us. My friends Pandora, Dorcas, and Evan would write letters, taping them to my window or sending me emails, helping me sneak out in the night so they could bring me food or clothes. They were the greatest friends I could have ever asked for, truthfully. Without them, I’d still be with my parents, I think,” Regulus said. “Pandora helped me run away when I turned 18.”
A short silence passed, the sound of Minnie scrawling notes down on her notepad filling the room. “Tell me more about you running away,” She said softly.
“The plan to run away wasn’t fully created until…three weeks before my 18th birthday. I believe the actual date Pandora and I created the plan was…July 7th. My birthday is July 28th. It wasn’t a great plan, but it worked. I left in the middle of the night, once my parents had fallen asleep. We had a birthday party for me that night. My parents tried to hand ownership of their company over to me during the party, but I was able to delay it until the next day. Leaving was hard; they had security cameras installed in the house after my brother had run away, so I had to pack up everything I would need into one small backpack and jump out of my window,” Regulus said.
“I walked to the nearest train station, which wasn’t too terribly far away, and took the train up to Cambridge to get the motorcycle my uncle had left me. She gave me one of her old phones, let me stay the night at her house so I had time to contact Pandora and let her know that I had finally left. The next morning, I took off on my bike and went to Pandora’s house.” He concluded. “It was scary, but I don’t regret doing it.”
Minnie nodded along with his story, continuing to jot notes down in her notepad. “Was there an event that caused you to run away?” She asked. “Did your parents do something that was the catalyst for you leaving?”
Regulus blinked a few times. “Yeah,” He said, his voice cracking. “My parents…they were never accepting of me being trans. They’d found out that-,” His voice hitched in his throat. “They’d found out that my friend Evan had bought me a binder. So they destroyed it. Cut it up, tossed it in the fireplace. Told me that I was disgusting, that I’d always be their daughter and no amount of surgeries or hormones could change that. They were even considering moving so my friends couldn’t contact me anymore. I couldn’t…I couldn’t deal with that, so I left.”
Thankful for the tissues Minnie had placed on the table, he quickly pulled a couple out, wiping his eyes.
“It just left me feeling so…so broken, I guess. Even now, I just feel…numb sometimes. My life is great. I have friends who support me, my brother supports me, hell, I even have a boyfriend who cares about me. But I can’t help but feel like…like I don’t deserve any of it,” He said. “It feels like there’s a rock lodged in my chest, and no amount of help is getting it out. It’s hard to even get out of bed some mornings. It sucks because I have so many supportive people around me, but it just…never seems to help. I flinch when my boyfriend touches me sometimes, I can’t handle it when people yell at me, it feels like I’m just sabotaging myself in the long run,” Regulus sighed, continuing to wipe his eyes and his cheeks. “I don’t want to be like this. I want to be normal. But I don’t even know what’s wrong with me.”
Minnie cleared her throat before sitting up straighter in her chair. “From a professional standpoint, it definitely seems as if you’re suffering from depression caused by PTSD. With a childhood like you described, transphobic parents, feeling abandoned by your brother, running away…it seems clear to me that you’ve suffered a great deal of trauma, but you’ve never given yourself the grace and time to deal with it properly. You’ve spent your whole life being forced to build walls around your heart and your soul. No one is expecting those walls to crumble in the blink of an eye,” She said.
“I’d like to get you started on some anti-depressants, if that’s something you’d be interested in. A low dose at first, and if that helps, then we’ll move forward. Does that sound alright?” Minnie asked.
All Regulus could do was nod.
She gave him a warm smile, jotting down a prescription to send to the pharmacy. “It’s a brave thing to do, you know,” She said, handing the paper to him. “Getting help.”
Regulus paused before taking the slip. “Is it?”
Minnie nodded. “It’s not easy to admit that you need help, whether it be professional or personal. It’s an important part of getting better. I’m proud of you for doing it.”
Regulus smiled weakly, saying one last goodbye before leaving her office to get the prescription in his hands filled.
[ welcome back, enjoy the rest of the fic! ]
[11:32] how’s your day been
[12:45] hi sorry i was at the pharmacy
it was good
i had my first therapy appt today
[12:46] !!!!!
i’m so proud of you!!!
did you like them?
[12:47] i did! james recommended her to me
she’s great
[12:48] i’m so glad
what’s her name?
[12:48] minerva
she asked me to call her minnie tho
[12:49] HOLY SHIT SHE WAS JAMES’ MENTOR!!!!!!!!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH DUDE
[12:49] LMAOOOOO OH MY GOD
i love her too
i’m excited to go back
unnamed group
regulusblack added wolfywolf, pandoraexplorer, flowermeadowes, and pettigrewink
regulusblack: hello gay people in my phone :)
wolfywolf: hi fellow gay person
pandoraexplorer: HEYYY
omg peter hi
wolfywolf: HI PETER 🗣🗣🗣
pettigrewink: WHATS UP BITCHES ‼️‼️
flowermeadowes: WHATS UPPPP
regulusblack: i had a therapy appointment today and i cried during it so now i want to do something fun who wants to come over and play video games
pettigrewink: me when i’m literally on my way right now
pandoraexplorer: i’m getting drinks w a friend rn but afterwards ya
regulusblack: HOW IS IT GOING SO FAR
wolfywolf: i can do that x
pandoraexplorer: its going good so far!! shes in the bathroom rn :)
regulusblack: her name was
emmeline right?
pandoraexplorer: yes indeed x
she was the rugby captain at the school we went to but she was two years ahead of us
it’s nice catching up :)
flowermeadowes: DAMN ‼️
also i’m omw reg
wolfywolf: I HOPE EVERYTHING GOES GOOD BESTIE
i’m on my way @Regulus
regulusblack: see you idiots soon x
[19:32] hi
[19:34] who is this
[19:35] is this regulus black?
[19:35] that depends
who is this
[19:36] it’s evan
evan rosier
i’ve tried texting you a couple of times but i think you changed your number
if you are regulus, that is
[19:37] oh my fucking god yeah this is regulus
holy shit i havent spoken to you in so long
how have you been???
[19:38] oh my god!!!
hi!!! i’ve been good!!!
i heard from someone that you got out of your shit parent’s place finally!!!???
[19:39] i’m glad you’re doing good!
and i did! i got out a little less than a year ago
[19:39] i’m so glad you’re doing good too mate
and thank god you got out of there. i hated that i had to stop talking to you so abruptly
if you’re willing to, i’d like to meet up soon?
maybe catch up or get drinks or something
[19:40] i’d love that!!
[19:41] an old friend just texted me and now pandora and i are crying
[19:42] good or bad crying??
[19:42] good crying :)
i haven’t spoken to him in like, a year and a half because his dad made him stop talking to me
so i’m very excited
[19:43] i’m happy for you!!!!!! that’s so exciting!!!!
what’re you doing right now?
[19:44] well pan and i are crying but remus, dorcas, and peter are over
you can come over too
if you’d like
you can bring sirius too if he’s free
[19:45] are you sure baby?
[19:46] yeah
i need to spend more time with sirius anyways
i miss him. it’s hard for me to admit that, but i miss him a lot
[19:47] we’re on our way, love <3
[19:55] should i bring alcohol?
[19:56] wine
[19:56] got it