miscommunication and models

Ok, Sirius knew he fucked up, ok? You didn't need to yell at him or shove it in his face like an abrasive child who thought they could do no wrong, because he knew . Peter didn't get the memo.

He had drug Sirius away from trying to ignore his problems ( yes , he knew it wasn't healthy.) and instantly dug into him in the hallway. Sirius wanted to defend himself but at the same time he knew he fucked up, but he was also going through shit! It wasn't like he had actively decided to hurt one of the only people in his life he loved with his whole heart, and in his defence, until about an hour ago he hadn't realised he loved him well.. as anything more than a friend. Buddy. Pal.

Fuck.

Ok looking back the signs were definitely there, I mean he had never stared at Peter or James as he had with Remus. His heart didn't skip a beat when James laughed at his jokes as it did with Remus, and he never found himself much jealous of Lily or anything like that but how was he meant to know what that meant? He had never been in many relationships, not even in school. Sure, flings here and there but nothing much enjoyable or fun. He had thought he was just picky and maybe he was because he was starting to realise the reason he never got on with any of them was that they weren't him.

“You do realise how astronomically you have fucked up, right?” Peter asked, a hand gripping Sirius’ arm not tightly, but more as a grounder. “You can't say that it's fucking him and then run away, you know that right?”

“No, I didn't Pete, wow thanks for that info. How about I go back in time and stall my fucking mental breakdown?” Sirius shot back, rolling his eyes.

“Don't get snappy with me, you're the one in trouble right now,” Peter said. “What you did was so fucking stupid, and he saw you when he came out. He feels so stupid, and probably embarrassed, you know?” Sirius nodded, “It was dumb, and rash, and you shouldn't have done it. Now how are we going to fix it.”

Sirius looked up, his eyebrow furrowed, “Fix it?”

“Unless you want to lose him, yes. How are we going to fix it.”

“You're going to help me?”

“Obviously, Sirius,” Peter said as if it were the stupidest thing to ask.

“Why?”

Sirius hated how small he sounded when he asked it, and he hated, even more, the way Peter looked at him. All soft and caring like Sirius was fragile. He had tried for so long not to be fragile, you couldn't be with the way he grew up but here he was, as delicate as glass with Peter.

“You're an idiot. Why wouldn't I? You fucked up, but your human, your not the first one to be absolutely stupid with someone they love. You’re my family, I’m not just going to leave you to clean this up on your own.”

“I don't deserve it, though.”

“Shut up, I don't care. Now, we gotta find James and figure out how to fix your stupid mistake.

“How many more times are you gonna find a way to call me stupid?”

“At least ten more times.”

*

(Marlene): why’d you leave early i was hoping to introduce you to my GIRLFRIEND

(remus) i’ve met dorcas.

(remus) you need to stop bringing her up just for the excuse to call her your girlfriend

(marlene) I actually don't because she's my girlfriend.

(remus) that makes no sense

(marlene) your face makes no sense

(remus) ok.

(marlene) who pissed in your cheerios this morning

(remus) stop it

(marlene) no seriously what's up

(marlene) you're grumpier than usual

(remus) nothings up im just tired

(marlene) you're always tired

(marlene) stop with the lame excuses and just tell me what happened

(marlene) i won't even be bitchy about it swear.

(remus) i did something really stupid

(remus) and i think i might have ruined everything

(marlene) what do you mean? and im sure you didn't ruin everything, remus

(remus) i kissed him

(remus) and he kissed me back

(marlene) oh love

(marlene) please tell me this isn't going where i think it is

(remus) and i don't know what i did but he told me he wasn't looking for someone and then he just left. and when i left the room i saw him kissing this other guy and i feel so fucking stupid

(remus) he's my best friend and i ruined all that for just a kiss

(remus) i don't know why i did it I'm so embarrassed

(marlene) can i please come over?

(remus) there's paparazzi here, someone got a picture of me crying so now they are swarming

(marlene) spectacular.

(marlene) fucking vultures they are

(marlene) i don't care, I'm coming over.

(marlene) and were talking about this cause I'm sure you didn't ruin anything

(remus) how am i meant to look him in the eye again?

(marlene) you just do.

(marlene) you love him so you do.

*

It didn't take long for Marlene to get there, just under twenty minutes she was there at Remus’ door knocking. He knew she was coming, of course she was. Marlene wasn't the type of person who could know someone was hurting and not try and be there, it's one reason so many people loved her.

He could hear her knocking and a part of him didn't want to move at all. He hardly had since he got home. At first, he just sat on the couch, contemplating how he had fucked up his life, wondering how he could ever fix this. He felt a bit numb after it all, he couldn't cry, he had done quite a bit of that already. Too much. But he couldn't just sit there either, so at one point he grabbed a guitar off the wall and started to play. Playing turned into singing, singing into writing, and now he was here- in a pile of papers and the tip of his fingers raw from playing around with chord progressions. He had settled on something simple, picking at the strings as if they were fragile. The whole of it made him a bit sick, honestly.

Eventually, he did get up and let Marlene in. She hugged him the second the door was closed, just holding him close. He had never expected to become friends with Marlene, not even after they had started to hang out. He thought it would all feel fake, that he could treat it like a business deal, but Marlene had the annoying habit of inserting herself into someone's life and making them love her. And he did- love Marlene that is. She was sweet and brash, and sometimes unpredictable but he had always been drawn to those types of people. Marlene had become someone indispensable, a close friend he had never expected.

When she let him go she looked around the apartment, raising an eyebrow at the mess around Remus’ living area. The piles of papers, some written on and others torn completely apart, the notebooks and different pencils and pens, the guitar thrown to the side almost carelessly. Remus just shrugged.

“I'm going to assume you didn't take up the hobby of origami and this mess is related to the whole breakdown?” Marlene asked, stepping over a notebook to plop down on Remus's couch. Remus sat back on his original spot on the floor, right in front of the coffee table.

“Not a breakdown. And yeah, I got bored, couldn't sleep.” Remus mumbled, waving his hand at the mess, before picking his guitar up again- just holding it.

“You get bored so you make.. ok I don't have a fucking clue what your making, but you made something. Y’know normal people scroll on their phone when they're bored.”.

“Hm, thanks didn't know that at all, Marls.”.

Marlene sighed, laying back on the couch and looking at Remus from where her head lay sideways on the cushion, “You gonna tell me the story.”

“I fucked up, end of the story.”

“God and they say you're not dramatic. Story, lupin. Now, please.”

There really was no point in arguing with Marlene or trying to put off telling the story. She wouldn't take the excuse of ‘i fucked up’, she would decide that for herself, which Remus should've known by now. So he told her. Everything. How he had been at the party, and then in a bedroom, and then a bathroom. How he had for the tiniest of moments gotten everything he had ever wanted, how everything seemed to finally fall into place and feel right for the first time in his life. Well, he hadn't said it like that, he had some dignity- but he told Marlene the gist of it.

She was quiet after, still watching Remus and it made him feel a bit like a bug under a microscope. Remus had found himself often comparing Marlene and Sirius, it was hard not to, their personalities were so alike but one main difference was he could never tell what Marlene was thinking, and she was always thinking. Remus wondered if she had picked it up from being an athlete for so many years because he had seen something similar to it in the same way James use to think everything through in school before he had a match. 

“Well shit.” Marlene eventually sighed, “One of these days you fuckers are going to have to get therapy, I swear to god.”

“That's rude.”

“Have you talked to him since?” She asked from her spot on the couch.

“No, I..” Remus got quiet for a moment, mumbling the rest of the sentence. He suddenly felt a bit embarrassed about how he had handled what Marlene had called the ‘Breakdown.’.

“What was that?”

“I..” Almost like a petulant child, Remus hoped she would let it go, and let him go about his mumbling so he wouldn't have to say what he had done instead of talking to Sirius.

“Remus seriously- ha serious .” Remus shot her a look, “Sorry bad timing, but cmon just tell me.”

“I wrote a song.”

“Oh my god.”

“It sounds embarrassing admitting it now.”

“I swear to god this is like a shitty Wattpad story, of course, you write a song .”

“Yeah, it isn't like that's my job or anything.” Remus shot at her, throwing one of the crumpled-up pieces of paper at her.

“Oh please-”

“I can't believe you're making fun of me when you kick a ball around for a living.”

“Ok, it's not just kicking a ball!” She said as she threw the paper back at him, “And we're not gliding past this. Back to your song.”

“Please no.”

“Yes. Play it. Right now.”

“I hate you.”

“Don't be a baby, play the song.” Marlene smiled as she sat up on the couch, pulling her legs under her.

He couldn't say no to Marlene though and reluctantly started the chord progression. The song felt a bit hollow as he went back and forth from A to E, but he felt that it fit. After that night he felt a bit hollow.

*

“I don't think I’m ever going to be able to fix it.”.

“Bullshit.”.

They had all stayed at James. Them being Peter, Sirius, Lily and James himself. While they talked they cleaned the apartment, the aftermath of the party had taken its toll. They had been having the same conversation for a while, how to fix it, and then thinking they'd never be able to fix it, and hey maybe they should take the advice from a Taylor Swift song and drop everything now meet me in the pouring rain-

James hadn't had a lot of sleep. He was starting to feel it weighing on him.

He loved his friends, he loved them so so much, he loved them like they were his family. They were his family- but good lord did they make him question his sanity. 

He should've known, he should've! He had known them both for years, and he knew there were some… concerns when it came to love. He had been so happy about the fact that there was a chance they could be together that he hadn't even thought about the fact that they were.. well scared. And he felt terribly guilty about it.

All he had ever wanted to do was help people, and fix things that needed fixing. And now he was here with a giant fucking mess and all he wanted to do was help but he didn't know how.

“I'm not going to be able to fix it. I've ruined it. One of the best things I have and I ruined it.” Sirius said as he threw an empty beer bottle into his trash bag. He and James were clearing out the trash from the living area, he knew Lily and Peter were in the kitchen handling the mess in there.

“Sirius it's not your fault if you don't want to be in a relationship, you don't owe that to anyone.” James sighed. 

He knew that they liked each other, they had both all but told him flat out, but at the same time, he knew that liking wasn't an endgame to all. Even if Sirius did like Remus, he didn't have to be with him if he didn't want to, or feel ready to. He wanted them to be happy, and if not being in a relationship made Sirius happy, then that’s what they would do.

“But, that's the thing- I just..” Sirius sat on the couch, putting his trash bag off to the side. “I don't know why.”

James looked at his friend with a concerned look that greatly resembled his mother’s, sitting beside him. “Why what?”.

“Why I'm so scared.” Sirius looked heartbreaking, “I mean I do, kinda. But at the same time, I don't, because it's Moony, and I love him. I love him so fucking much that sometimes it scares me and I didn't even realise what kind of love I had for him, and now I’m just so fucking scared.”

“Sirius-”

“Because god James, he is... He is just so much. And not in a bad way. And he has always been there when I need him, and he always knows what to say and what to do, and he is so perfect and I'm going to ruin that and I can't ruin that, I can't.”

“Sirius you won't ruin anything.”

“I already have James! It just feels like everything I love gets ruined and I don't want to ruin him.”.

“Sirius!” James put a gentle hand on his brother's shoulder, “Sirius you love me, right?”

“Of course I do- but James that's not how I mean.”

“You said everything you love, you love me and I’m not ruined.”

Sirius was just looking at James guiltily, James just wanted to protect him from it all, he wished he could.

“It's not the same,” Sirius whispered.

“Who did you ruin then?” James asked.

They were both quiet for a while. James held onto Sirius’ arm while Sirius looked down at his lap, twiddling his thumbs.

“...Regulus.”

“What?”

“I ruined Regulus.” Sirius whispered as if it was something he had never dared admit. It almost made James cry. Sirius looked so very small, and for a second James could only see the kid who showed up on his doorstep one Christmas eve so many years ago.

“Sirius..”

“You can't say I didn't. I did. He was never the same after I left him,” Sirius mumbled, pushing James’ hand away.

“Sirius you had to leave.” James was trying so hard to find the right words, “You had to, you couldn't live there anymore.”

“And he could? He was 14.”

“You were 16.” James whispered, “You were a kid too.”

“I was the big brother, I was supposed to take care of him.”

“No you weren't, that wasn't your job. You didnt ruin him, Sirius, he isn't ruined.”. James tried to smile at him, but it came out wobbly, “You don't ruin the people you love. So many people love you, and we are perfectly fine.”

Sirius sat there quietly, and James did as well, rubbing a hand up and down on his friend's shoulder in a way he hoped was comforting.

“You don't have to be with him, but you can if you want to Sirius”.

“What if I break him?”

“Moony’s tough, you won't break him any more than he would break you.”

“I love you, James, you know?”

“I know Sirius, I know.” James pulled him into a hug, the angle somewhat awkward from where they sat on the couch, “I love you, too.”

*

Sirius waited a week.

The first two days were spent trying to get over his crippling fears of ruining the people he loved, he spent a long time googling in those two days. Two more of those days were spent trying to figure out what the fuck to say and what he wanted. One of the days was spent in a meeting with Andromeda. And the last day was spent in the studio.

Because Remus had written a song.

Sirius hadn't been the only one caught off-guard when an executive from P&M herded them into a recording room when they went in for a meeting, really the only one who didn't seem confused was Remus. They hadn't even known he had written a song, or showed a rough demo of it to P&M, but apparently, he did. And apparently, P&M liked it because they wanted it recorded so they could release it the moment the Marauders were signed.

Sirius didn't like the song.

He had spent a lot of that day quiet.

But he had finally figured out what to say.

*

It had been a month since the first time they had all collectively agreed that Jamie had to go. 

A month of going back and forth from Phoenix to P&M. A month of questions from fans and paparazzi. A month of hardly being able to be seen with each other. A month of keeping their mouths shut.

A month was way too fucking long.

Jamie had called them into a meeting, all of them. And they knew exactly why. Andromeda had been first to call them that night, waking them up and adding them all to a group facetime call where she basically screamed at them that it had worked. That Phoenix had officially sold the rights to their music to Black Corp. and all that had to be done was to relinquish their contract with Pheonix. 

They had been sat in a conference room for a good fifteen minutes, all sharing looks with one another of astonishment. After all these years, just like this, it's over. Isn't it?

Jamie came in and it gave Remus a weird sense of Deju-Vu, and he suddenly felt like he was 17 years old again and waiting to see if his band was actually going to get signed, he felt a familiar sense of excitement only now for different reasons.

“Boys!” Jamie smiled brightly at all of them, the prick. “It's been a long time since I’ve seen you all, far too long.”

Jamie looked at them all expectantly, but they just stared back. Silent. 

“Well we have a lot to talk about,” Jamie dryly chuckled, “We have made executive decisions for you boys, and it's for the best, you know? I’m always looking to do good by you all.”.

Silence.

“I know a long while ago when you first started here you boys wanted to.. have the option to buy your music, yeah? Well, you can still do that, of course! But it will be a bit different than we had first planned.”

“What did you do with our music, Jamie?” Peter asked, voice steady and blank.

“We have basically branched out with it, but-”

“I want to know exactly what you did. Not the basically, the truth.”

“In loose terms.. it was, uhm, sold- but this is good boys, listen-”

“You sold it? You sold our music without even asking us?” This time it was James who spoke up, his tone the same as Peters. 

“Well, yes, but-”

“You promised us when we were 17 that we could buy it, that it would be ours.” Sirius this time.

“Listen, I know what I said, but this was for the good of your careers.”

“Just like the Marlene thing?” Remus asked, “Or when you told the entire world we were on hiatus? Every decision you made for us without asking?”

“It was more complicated than that, now don't be upset. It really isn't that big of a deal.”

It was silent as Jamie looked at the boys, still smiling that stupid fucking smile. And that's when it really felt like the truth, they really were done. Six years, over.

“Yknow what,” Remus smiled back, Jamie lit up, “He's right. It isn't a big deal. Because we're done.”

“What?” Jamie asked, he looked a bit confused, his smile strained.

“We’re done. With you, with Phenox. We're not renewing our contract.” Peter shrugged as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

“Excuse me? You- You can't do that.”

“We can actually, we’ve been talking to lawyers about it for about a month, give or take, right Sirius?” James asked, and then it seemed to all click for Jamie. One month ago he had offered a solo contract, one month ago he had completely fucked himself over without realising it.

“Yeah, that's right James. About the same time we met Minerva.”

Jamie's smile was completely gone now, and he was just looking blankly at the boys. Remus wished he could know what was going through his mind, he hoped it was something along the lines of ‘im such a fucking idiot.’. 

That's how they left him there, standing quietly staring at them as they walked out of the conference room, leaving behind half a decade of memories.

Good fucking riddance.

*