Déjà Vu

The first dream Sirius remembered was wolves, and dogs, and running.

He never told his parents about his dreams, not after he told them about dreaming of a wolf boy and was punished. The wolf boy looked different in his dreams; different heights, ages, hair colours, skin colours. One time he's not even partly human, only wolf, but Sirius still knew it was him. He didn't dream every night, but most nights. When Regulus was smaller he liked to hear the stories Sirius made up about wolf boy, but he hasn't wanted to hear them for years. Sirius never told stories about wolf boy anymore.

***

The summer before he started Hogwarts Sirius spent a weekend with his uncle Alphard. Usually he went with Regulus, but this time he was alone. Orion warned him not to listen too much to Alphard's ideas, like always, but Walburga didn't say anything to him that's not the standard of minding his manners. She has always been more forgiving of Alphard, but not saying anything about how Sirius shouldn't emulate his bachelor ways was unusual.

It was strange, visiting somewhere without Regulus. Sirius thought it was just as well that he got used to it, since he'll be at Hogwarts soon. It's not bad, just different.

On his last day Alphard sat him down and looked at him seriously over a cup of tea.

'Your mother wanted me to talk to you about something that sometimes happens in our family,' Alphard started. Sirius got the impression he was supposed to listen without asking questions (it's his usual mode) so he sat up and tried to look attentive. Alphard made a strange face.

'Has anyone told you about soulmates?' Alphard asked and then continued before he could answer. 'It's a very contested concept.' Sirius thought it meant something people fight about.

'Sometimes two people are tied together through time and they always meet one another again,' Alphard said. 'It doesn't really mean anything, but some people who believe in it call it fated love.' Alphard rubbed his hands over his face. 'Your mother thinks you might have a soulmate.'

'Is… that bad?' Sirius asked, because if it was good why wouldn't Mother tell him herself.

'It's only bad if it makes you do something you don't want. If you meet this person and fall in love that's fine, but you shouldn't force yourself. If you love someone else that's fine too,' Alphard said. Sirius nodded.

'And of course you shouldn't let your soulmate stand in the way of your duties to the family,' he added as an afterthought.

'I see,' Sirius said. He doesn't like being reminded of his duty to the family. Sometimes he thinks Alphard doesn't like reminding him of it either.

***

Alphard didn't say anything more about soulmates and neither did his parents. Sirius felt sceptical about the whole concept. How was he supposed to recognise this person anyway? Sirius learned a new word the other day, preposterous. That's what he thinks it is, preposterous.

He also had no idea why his mother thought he has a soulmate. He regretted not asking Alphard because he will have to ask his parents and that might not go over well. He would wait until he's going to Hogwarts.

***

When he got on the train his cousin tried to speak to him. It wasn't his real cousin (the only real cousins he had are girls), but it was also his cousin. He was the son of a Black, that was obvious, but Sirius didn't know who. Orion had told him to not deny he's a cousin, since it was so obvious, but also not treat him like family. Sirius was fine with ignoring him; he was boring anyway. He also got all the bad genes, so he looked weird. Like a Black, yes, but weird.

He found a compartment to sit in, and a boy with black hair and glasses came in to sit with him. It took Sirius about ten minutes to decide that this must be his soulmate because he had never liked anyone this much in all his life. The boy was a Potter, and his dad's brother had married great-aunt Dorea and Sirius decided this made them practically brothers. They spent the travel time mostly planning pranks they could play on their fellow students (there was some recreational cursing too). Sirius had never really done that before, because it would not have been worth the punishment, but he found he has a talent for it, impressing his new brother James with his wild ideas. It was probably the best time Sirius had ever had.

It went a bit weird when they talked about houses, because Sirius was obviously going to be in Slytherin, but James' family are traditionally Gryffindor, and neither of them managed to talk the other into changing opinions. They did promise to stay friends though, so that was good.

***

Sirius didn't actually remember much of his first evening at Hogwarts after the sorting. He was in some kind of state of shock, and while he knew he sat next to James and talked to some other people, trying for a more detailed recollection just frustrated him. In fact, the whole first week was a bit of a blur. He knew he did and said a lot of things he usually wouldn't, mostly to try to impress James, and to some extent his other two dorm mates. The strange thing was how natural it felt, especially compared to trying to live up to his parents expectations. It was too late for that anyway, what with being sorted into the wrong house, and that was a very freeing thought. If he wasn't going to please his parents anyway he might as well just do the things he wanted to. It was like the wild ideas he came up with in the train had taken over him and reshaped him into something more fitting. Or maybe it was the influence of his soulmate.

***

When he walked into his dorm to pick up a jumper he'd forgotten the world shifted into sudden clarity. On his bed was the expected jumper. What was not expected was his friend of a week Remus lying on his bed. Holding his jumper. Smelling it?

'What the fuck are you doing?' he asked. Somehow, even with the swear word, it didn't feel like it expressed Sirius' complete bafflement enough. Someone he had only known for a week was sniffing his clothes, and from the look on his face, enjoyed it quite a bit.

'I came back for my jumper,’ Sirius said, at a complete loss. ‘I didn’t realise you were … using it.’

The thought of putting it on now simultaneously disgusted him and strangely attracted him. It was not emotions Sirius particularly wished to feel. It made him confused, and that in turn made him angry. Remus looked incredibly guilty about it and mortified. Sirius wondered if he'd been trying to smell him this whole time. It wasn't even as if he smelled like anything in particular. He's using the same soap as the rest of the school. The house elves made sure everyone's clothes were clean. Though, that jumper was probably the clothing of his that smelled the least clean since he slept in it and it hadn't gone through the laundry yet.

Remus hadn't said anything, and Sirius had been quiet now for a minute or two, something very unusual for him. He just couldn't find any words, so he turned around and walked out.

***

He walked back in some five minutes later. Remus was sitting on his own bed, the jumper lying innocently folded on Sirius' bed.

'Why?' Sirius asked. It's weird behaviour, and he couldn't figure it out. It didn't make sense. Who would even want to sniff someone's old clothes?

'Sirius, I…' Remus started. He looked helpless, small. Like he also didn't know why.

'You know what?' Sirius said. Decided. 'Let's not talk about it ever.'

'Ok,' Remus mumbled. He wouldn't look at Sirius, and Sirius decided again to leave. He did still need to do his essay. Finish his essay. He pretended like he didn't care, like things came to him without effort, which meant that he needed to do the actual work when no one was looking. It has only been a little over a week but he's committed. Committed to looking like he didn't care, didn't have to put in the effort, was just that brilliant, and knew things without studying. It was something he'd always wanted to be, so he'd decided to be it, and he didn't need distractions like his dorm mates being ill and cuddling his clothes to ruin his concentration.

***

When he came back to the dorm Remus had closed the curtains around his bed. Sirius tried to talk to James but he didn't actually want to talk about it, which made things difficult, and they decided to go to bed instead. Sirius had trouble sleeping, but he finally drifted off.

***

The problem was that it happened again. Remus seemed to fall ill easily, and Sirius had seen him cuddling his clothes two more times, except he'd pretended not to because he still didn't know how to react to it. He wanted to talk to James, except he didn't want to talk to James, and wasn't that supposed to be the point of soul mates, that you could talk about everything? Sirius didn't know how he felt about Remus and his clothes snuggling habit, and the thought of talking to James about it made him slightly ill, since he's not sure the feelings were all bad.

There was only one thing to do.

"Dear uncle Alphard

I hope you are well. I'm settling in at Hogwarts and have made friends here. We have played some great pranks on our fellow students, but if Mother asks I have been completely focused on my studies.

Do you remember this summer when you told me about soulmates? How do I know if I've met mine? One of the boys in my dormitory is called James and I thought he was maybe my soulmate when we first met on the train, but a very strange thing happened with another boy in the dormitory and I feel weird about it. I don't want to tell James and isn't that what you're supposed to do with your soulmate? Tell them everything?

I didn't ask before, but why does Mother think I have a soulmate anyway? Why doesn't everyone? Does Regulus have one? Do you? What even are soul mates anyway? Am I supposed to be in love with them because I don't think I am in love with anyone?

Your nephew,
Sirius O. Black"

He's got his own owl (everyone in his family got one when they went off to school) so sending something to his uncle was easy. Waiting for the answer was not so easy. He had trouble looking at James or Remus during the three days he had to wait. The fourth person in his dorm was a boy named Peter who Sirius thought was ok, and he had no trouble looking at him. Truth be told Sirius thought he was kind of boring, so that didn't actually help.

When the letter arrived it contained less information than Sirius wanted, but more than he expected, and still he once again was unsure how he felt about something.

"Dearest nephew,

I do hope you are not completely neglecting your studies, even though it is of course a good thing to have friends. Everything is well here. Your parents and brother miss you, although they would never express it. I miss you too, though since we meet rather infrequently as it is I have grown used to it.

Your mother described to me someone you used to dream about in the past. Perhaps you do still dream about him. According to my sister, you described him as a "wolf boy", though she didn't know why. She knows the dreams persisted through your childhood even after she told you to forget them. Lest you think to blame Regulus, remember that small children are not very discreet and that the walls have ears in your house.

I do not know who the "wolf boy" is meant to represent, but I do not think it is James Potter. It's also important for you to cultivate friendships and relationships with women even though your soulmate is probably male. Your soulmate might end up being with someone else, or unsuitable for a courtship in some way. It is only ever a guarantee that you meet again after every reincarnation.

Perhaps I could offer some advice on your situation with your friends? After all, I am quite an impartial judge in this, and as you know wisdom comes with age which means I have quite a lot of it. Sometimes just the act of telling someone can bring ease to a troubled mind.

Your uncle,
Alphard"

***

Sirius spent time worrying about whether to write to Alphard again or not, and then Remus fell ill again, and there was obviously something really wrong with him. He didn't answer any of Sirius' questions, so Sirius saw no other way than to write again. It was Christmas soon, but he was not sure if he'd get the opportunity to speak to Alphard alone, and anyway the thoughts of ears in the walls had quite put him off.

"Dear uncle,

I am studying, I'm just pretending like I'm not so people will think I'm just that smart. Don't tell Mother that either.

I think you're wrong about James. I have decided to tell you about my other friend Remus anyway. He is ill quite often and he was in the hospital wing the first week, and then he came back, and I wasn't in the dorm but then I came back to pick up a jumper and he was on my bed and sort of sniffing it. It's just weird and I feel like I should be more angry about it but I'm not. I haven't told anyone else.

Maybe writing it down made me feel a little better.

See you at Christmas!
Sirius"

He still spent the last days before Christmas not quite knowing how to handle Remus. James and him were back being as close as before, since James didn't make him feel anything other than good.

Saying goodbye to his friends he didn't feel comfortable hugging Remus, even though not hugging him made Sirius feel weird too. Remus just made him have too many conflicting emotions to make him a comfortable person to be around, and Sirius was happy to have a break from all that during Christmas.