Déjà Vu

Thankfully, the full moon did fall too close to Christmas that year. Remus was able to look forward to the celebrations without worrying about being locked up until afterwards.

In previous years, preparations for his confinement had bled into preparations for Christmas, casting a shadow over the events. It was hard to get excited about the presents under the tree when there was also a basement with chains on the walls waiting for you. 

He had a huge pile of presents that year. Books and sweets and clothes, all sorts of fun knickknacks, and - in the largest package - a Comet 220, a top racing broom. 

‘You might just make the quidditch team next year with that!’ His dad said cheerfully. 

Remus didn’t want to tell him that the chances of him making the Gryffindor team were slimmer than that of catching a swarm of Wrackspurt on a foggy day. He’d never been much of a flyer and there were some ridiculously talented kids in Remus’s year. 

But ever since Remus had started at Hogwarts, after years thinking he never would, his parents’ hopes for him had soared. Quite frankly, they were both letting their imagination run away with them. 

There was no reason, as far as Lyall Lupin could see, his son shouldn’t be captain of the quidditch team. While Hope Lupin thought he ought to be at least a prefect, if not head boy, and quickly form an attachment with a bright and beautiful young witch.  

Remus had told his father all about his wonderful friends, James Potter and Sirius Black, which had put the silly idea into Lyall’s head that his son was popular, since he’d befriended two of the best wizards in his year, and nothing Remus said could dissuade him of this notion. 

‘I don’t even know if they like me that much,’ Remus said desperately. ‘I make them laugh sometimes but they’re probably laughing at me as more than with me. They must think I’m pretty strange. Especially Sirius … ‘

‘Strange?’ Lyall repeated. ‘Why? Does he suspect - ?’

‘No,’ Remus said quickly. ‘It’s just - he’s so cool and I’m not. I always end up saying or doing the wrong thing.’ 

Sniffing his friends clothes was definitely the wrong thing to do. He was lucky Sirius even talked to him after catching him at it. He’d been sure that he’d tell James all about it, but if he had James hadn’t let on. They were both acting totally normally around him, apart from a few odd looks from Sirius. 

‘It must be hard being around so many boys all the time, when you’re so used to being on your own,’ his mother said. 

‘It’s hard for everyone,’ his father said. ‘I couldn’t even sleep when I first started at Hogwarts. Too many boys in there with me. All the snoring!’ He screwed up his face. ‘You get used to it though. Learn to live with each other.’ 

Remus nodded.

Artemis, his tawny owl, brought him presents from his two best friends late Christmas Day. Remus suspected that his gift from James - a heavy book of famous witches and wizards throughout history - was one of James’s own unwanted Christmas presents, hastily re-wrapped, but he was no less grateful for it. 

Sirius’s present was a small pin in the shape of magpie, which Remus was delighted with. He had sent Sirius a silver compass, which he was sure Sirius would love, because he’d seen him using it in his dreams. It could be set to point to any location, so no matter far you were from home you could always find your way back. 

**

As his father had suggested, the thing that Remus Lupin found hardest at Hogwarts - apart from sneaking off once a month to transform into a werewolf - was being around other people all the time. There was basically no privacy. 

The Gryffindor first years all shared a bathroom with a row of showers along each wall and a single, huge bathtub in the centre. There were curtains and cubicles but the boys made a game out of yanking them open whenever anyone was inside so it was impossible to ever feel truly safe. 

Remus had more reason than most to feel self-conscious. Whenever he transformed he scratched and bit at himself so his body was covered in scars and bruises. So it was especially unfortunate that he was friends with two of the biggest jokesters in the year who delighted in playing the curtain-snatching game. 

Peter Pettigrew was their favourite target because he shrieked loudly whenever he was exposed, screaming that he would tell on them, although he never did.

Remus avoided humiliation by only washing in the early hours of the morning. James commented on the fact that Remus was never to be found in the bathroom, suggesting that the real reason he had to leave Hogwarts so often was because he could only take his “monthly bath” at home. 

‘If only,’ Remus groaned. ‘I hate bathing here.’ 

‘You needn’t be so shy,’ said James. ‘We’ve all got the same bits, haven’t we?’ 

‘I wouldn’t be so sure,’ Sirius said gruffly. ‘The way Remus carries on, I wouldn’t be surprised if he had a tail under there.’

Remus blushed, wondering if there was anything behind Sirius’s words. The boy had every reason to be suspicious of him. 

‘We’re not all wild exhibitionists,’ Remus said. ‘I’ve seen far more of you two than I’d ever care to.’ 

‘You wound me,’ James said theatrically, clutching at his chest. ‘I’m a perfect specimen of a man.’ 

‘I’ll have to take your word for it,’ Remus said dryly. ‘I wouldn’t call myself a connoisseur,’

‘James is right though, you don’t need to be so uptight. We’re not interested in what you’ve got under your robes.’ 

‘Really? You seem pretty interested.’

‘Look, I’m just saying we’re not going to try and burst in on you.’

‘Like Pettigrew?’ 

‘Is that what you’re afraid of?’ James sighed. ‘Look, Remus. I promise we weren’t play games with you.’ He drew his finger over his chest. ‘Cross my heart, hope to die.’ 

Remus gave him a hard look. 

‘You don’t trust me?’ James said sadly. ‘Well, I s’pose I can’t make you shower with us, It’d look pretty weird if I tried, but - ‘ he gave Remus’s arm a squeeze. ‘You are our friend, Remus, you know that? You’re nothing like that cowardly pipsqueak, Pettigrew.’ 

Remus was pleased, but felt compelled to say, ‘I think you’re too harsh on Peter. He might be a bit annoying, but he’s nice enough.’ 

James ignored him. 

**

Remus broke his own rule one morning at the end of January, when he returned to Hogwarts dirty and exhausted from a fevered night at the shack. It was still early, but not early enough to be sure he wouldn’t be disturbed, however Remus was so hot and tired he couldn’t bear to wait.

He pulled off his filthy clothes, slipped into one of the empty stalls, and lost himself in the flow of warm water. A dirty trail of blood and dirt ran into the drain as his skin was washed clean. 

He probably stood there for twenty minutes or more with his eyes closed before turning off the water and stepping out. He still had his eyes closed as he fumbled about for his robes and towel, unable to find either. Cursing, he opened his eyes, and saw only stone.

His heart started to pound in his chest. He turned around, shivering, and saw - to his horror - Sirius standing there, his clothes in his arms. 

‘Merlin’s teeth!’ Sirius hissed, eyes flicking up and down Remus’s naked body. ‘Remus, what the hell’s happened to you?’ 

Remus couldn’t speak from shock. He shivered and wrapped his arms around himself. 

‘Remus!’ 

Sirius took a step towards him, making a movement as if he meant to reach out to touch him, then thinking better of it. The motion made the clothes slip down in his arms and he had to hug them tighter.

Remus focused on them. 

‘Give me robes, Sirius,’ he said, with only a slight waver in his voice. 

Sirius ignored him. ‘What’s happened to you? Where have you been?’ 

Remus ignored that. ‘Give me my clothes!’ He said more forcefully. ‘What’s the matter with you?!’ 

He was attempting to cover up his privates with his hands, and he didn’t think he was doing a very good job with it.

Sirius’s face flushed red. ‘Hang the bloody robes!’ He said, throwing them down on the floor, at Remus’s feet. ‘What do you think I want them for? Think I’ve been sniffing at them?!’ 

Remus lowered himself slowly to his knees and picked up his undershirt. 

‘I don’t care what games you’ve been playing,’ he muttered. ‘Obviously I thought I was alone.’ 

‘And now I know why!’ Sirius said in a choked voice. ‘I thought you were just shy! When you’re - you’ve been - ! Who’s been doing this to you Remus?’ 

‘I don’t know you mean.’ Remus said with a forced calm. ‘The only person bothering me right now is you and you promised you wouldn’t tease me in the showers.’ 

He started to pull on his shirt. 

‘You know damn well what I mean!’ Sirius growled. ‘This - ‘ he gestured at the long claw marks in Remus’s legs, disgust contorting his handsome features. 

Remus swallowed. It’s nothing.’ 

‘It’s not bloody nothing!’ 

Remus took a deep breath. ‘I was attacked by a … dog.’ 

‘A dog?’ Sirius repeated. 

Remus shivered. ‘I’ve got bad luck. This isn’t the first time. I must smell bad or something.’ 

‘Smell … bad.’ 

Sirius knelt down beside his friend, frowning at him. 

‘I don’t believe you, Remus.’

‘Well, what does it look like to you?’ Remus threw back. ‘Or didn’t you get a good enough look while you were holding my clothes?!’ 

Sirius looked shamed for the first time. 

‘You look so awful when I saw you. I thought someone had hurt you.’ 

‘Something,’ Remus corrected him, ‘not someone, and it’s not as bad as it looks.’ 

‘You ought to go see Madame Pomfrey,’ Sirius said. 

‘I have,’ Remus said. ‘I’ll heal up fine by myself now. I don’t need to stay in the hospital wing. Now, Sirius, please won’t you hand me a towel? Why’d you have to take that too and leave me nothing?’ 

‘You think I took it?’ Sirius said indignantly. ‘I found everything dumped in the dormitory. Someone must have snatched them while you were in the shower for a lark. That’s what I thought anyway, when I found them. That’s why I brought them back in here. Good Samaritan, me. I didn’t even know they were yours.’ 

‘I didn’t hear anyone,’ said Remus.

‘You didn’t hear me,’ Sirius pointed out.

‘No, I bet you think I’m pretty stupid.’ 

‘Well, you can’t always get up at the arse-crack of dawn to shower.’ Sirius hesitated. ‘You sure there’s nothing else you want to tell me?’ 

Remus forced a dry laugh. ‘Sirius, I’m sitting here naked on the bathroom floor. I’ve never felt less like talking.’

Sirius gave him a hard look. ‘Alright then,’ he grunted, getting up and grabbing a towel. ‘Get dressed then, dog-meat.’ 

***

It took a long time for Remus to recover from the encounter. He stood trembling in the bathroom long after Sirius had gone, examining his wounds in the mirror. 

He knew Sirius hadn’t believed his story about the dog. It wasn’t as if there were many wild dogs running around wild in Hogwarts; they weren’t brought in as pets. There were wolves though - in the forbidden forest - and surely Sirius’s mind must have gone to them, when he saw the teeth marks in Remus’s skin. 

Could he have worked it out? And if he hadn’t, what was he imagining had happened? Remus hadn’t explained anything at all. 

As with the clothes-sniffing incidents, Sirius pretended as though nothing had happened, but there was a fresh tension between them. 

Remus’s fears only worsened when he caught Sirius and James having a private conversion in one corner of the common room. They must have cast the muffliato charm, because Remus couldn’t hear a word they were saying, although their lips were moving fast. They looked up guiltily when Remus approached and James lifted the spell.

‘Sorry about that,’ James said. ‘Sirius just wanted a quiet word.’

‘Very quiet,’ Remus observed. ‘What were you two talking about?’ 

The boys exchanged glances. 

‘It’s nothing really,’ said James. 

‘Something you can’t tell me about?’ Remus said sulkily. ‘After you went on and on the other day about your mermaid fantasy and those weird lumps you found in your armpits.’ 

‘There are some things I don’t like to share,’ James said frowning. ‘Some things that are really private.’

‘But you have shared them‘ Remus pointed out petulantly, ‘with Sirius.’ 

He glared at Sirius who shrugged defiantly. 

‘Oh, drop it, Remus,’ James said. ‘You’ve come over all jealous just because we were having a chat without you.’ 

‘Because you’ve been having a chat about me,’ Remus said, hating himself. ‘It’s obvious.’ 

James didn’t respond well to confrontation.

‘Oh don’t be so pathetic!’ He groaned. ‘You think we spend all our time talking about you? Get over yourself! And even if we were? So what? You’re a weird one, Remus Lupin, worthy of analysis.’ 

‘I’d rather not be picked apart by my friends,’ Remus said. 

‘Well, perhaps you ought to be more honest with your friends,’ James said cuttingly. 

‘Steady on, James - ‘ he muttered. 

Remus was so angry he couldn’t bear to stand there a moment longer, so he left without another word. 

On the way out of the portrait hole he bumped into Peter Pettigrew who was just coming in.

‘Are you alright, Remus?’ Peter asked. 

‘I - yes, I’m fine?’ 

‘You’re sure? You look upset.’ He took a step closer. ‘Was it James? He can be a bit mean, can’t he?’

‘He’s not mean,’ Remus said defensively. ‘At least, I’m sorry, Peter, I know he’s been mean to you sometimes. He’s only trying to be funny. I’ve told him to stop.’ 

‘Was he trying to be funny with you?’ 

‘No, it was my fault.’ 

Peter gave him a pitying look which rather annoyed Remus.

‘No, really. I’ve been a right berk.’ He believed it, too. He was more annoyed at himself than his friends. He was the one who’d barged in and forced the issue. 

‘That can’t be true,’ peter exclaimed. ‘You’re always so cool! You’ve never got stuck in the stairs, or put your robes on back to front, or messed up in potions and set your own hair on fire.’ 

‘It grew back alright,’ Remus said. ‘If anything, it looks better now. You could set the fashion for exploded-potion haircuts.’

Peter let out a loud, shrill laugh. ‘You are so funny too, Remus. I wish I were more like you.’

No, you don’t, Remus thought, although he was touched. 

‘Hey,’ Peter began nervously. ‘You wouldn’t want to go to the library with me? I’ve got some studying to do. I was going to do it in the common room, but it’ll be quieter there. We can, um, work together. If - if you like.’ 

‘Oh. That’s very kind, Peter. I just don’t know if I’m in the mood.’ 

‘I’m not asking you to do my homework for me!’ Peter squeaked. ‘That’s not what I meant - If you thought - I’m not that bad!’ 

He went very pink. 

‘I just thought we could hang out,’ he mumbled. 

Remus’s heart softened. ‘Thanks, Peter. Why don’t we take a walk instead. And, for the record, I don’t mind helping people with homework. No one makes me do it.’

‘Of course not,’ Peter said eagerly. ‘You’re sooo smart, Remus. You’re even smarter than James, aren’t you? Though I bet he’d never admit it!’ 

***

‘I was looking for you,’ Sirius told him when they sat down for dinner. ‘Why’d you have to run off like that?’

‘You didn’t want me there,’ said Remus. 

‘You’re being daft,’ Sirius said. ‘Really, Remus.’ 

Remus shrugged. 

‘Are you giving up on us then and taking up with Pettigrew instead?’ 

‘Who told you I was hanging out with him?’ 

‘No one. I saw you.’ Sirius said, grinning. ‘I said I went looking for you. I found you. I just didn’t want to intrude.’ 

‘He’s alright, Peter,’ Remus said. ‘He’s nice. I wish you’d give him a chance. He’d kill to be your friend.’

‘Hmm,’ Sirius said doubtfully. ‘I don’t know if there’s room in the gang.’

‘Not even for a little one?’ 

‘He’s rather fat.’ Sirius considered. ‘Short though.’

‘So I guess it all balances out?’

Sirius laughed again. ‘You always make me laugh, Remus. Even more than James. I’ll give Peter a go, for you. As long as I can still be your best mate.’ 

‘You still want to?’ Remus asked. 

‘Now don’t get all needy on me,’ Sirius said. ‘You know I do.’

They locked eyes. Remus felt his cheeks burn. James plonked himself down in his chair and carelessly announced that he’d be having steak tonight. 

‘How’d you know that’s on the menu?’ Sirius asked gruffly.

‘Ways and means,’ James said, waggling his eyebrows. ‘It’s your favourite, isn’t it Remus? You love your meat. I’ve ordered it special, so buck up and wipe that hang-dog - if you’ll excuse the expression - look off of your face.’

Remus found the courage to smile.