Illicit Affairs

Marlene McKinnon POV: Part Five

Marlene was unable to stop thinking about Dorcas, again; not that anything had really changed. She always thinks about her. But even more than usual, because now Dorcas wasn’t constantly avoiding her as she did before, and she had made up with Dane; possibly having a chance with Dorcas now. 

“Well I think the decorations should be rainbow,” Mary declares. “Y’know Lily, she’s always mental about colours, and how they have feelings.”

“Does she actually?” Sirius asks, cringing a bit. Remus nudges him in the arm, as if to tell him to shush. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Remus shakes his hand, dropping onto the couch, beside Sirius, and across the room from Mary and Marlene. 

“Moony, did you know that I can read palms?” Sirius asks, resting his knee on Remus’ thigh as he twists his body around to look at him properly.

“To be honest, I don’t really want to know what my future holds,” he says, cluelessly—that was the most obvious move in the book; Sirius just wanted to touch Remus’ hand, and that made Marlene smirk at how oblivious he was. “Nothing good, I bet.”

“I’m sure you’re going to do better than the rest of us,” Sirius tells him, dead serious as he stares at him. Remus picks up his gaze, smiling as it settles onto Sirius. “You’re so intelligent, and you’re super clever, and you like studying, and that’ll forever be beyond me, and I think whatever you do, you’ll be better at it than everyone else.”

“Shuddup,” Remus mutters, pushing onto Sirius’ arm lightly, and Marlene notices both of them flush as they feel the touch of the other. Mary and Marlene glance at each other; she didn’t know how much more obvious two people can be. 

“Let me read your palm, Moons?”

“Do you actually even know how to do it?”

“I think because it’s your hands, I’ll become a full-on professional.”

“You’re such a dick,” Remus blushes, covering his face with both of his hands. Sirius smirks. 

“I am what I eat.”

“Hey!” All three, Marlene, Mary and Remus, say in unison.

“You’re all losers, James and Pete would’ve laughed with me,” he rolls his eyes at them. 

“You’re such a prick, Black,” Mary says, threading something through the other to create some of the decorations—Marlene had never seen her work on something with all of her effort, and concentration as she is now. “Read Remus’ arms or something.”

“Palms.”

“It’s all the same thing,” she scoffs. Marlene glances at Sirius, grinning, and shaking her head. Sirius, then, looks over to Remus, doing that grin that everyone knows Remus can barely hold himself together because of. He rolls his eyes, picking his hand up, but looks at it himself.

“Well, I know a thing or two about palm reading,” he tells Sirius. “Because of Divination in third year, and my lifeline doesn’t look that long.”

Sirius’ smile drops, “show me,” he says, dead serious. Remus then drops his hand onto Sirius’ one, staring at him, and then his hand which brushes against his skin; his cheeks turned pink. “No, it’s ok, look, mine is about the same.”

Marlene grinned, and Mary stared at them both—her gaze altering from their faces, to their hands, and to her own. She squinted at them, staying silent; she was weird like that. Somehow Mary always looked paranoid, no matter what she was feeling. 

“What's the same?” James comes in, with a shirt in his hand, but not on his body.

“Put a shirt on, Potter,” Sirius tells him. “As much as it is a pretty good sight.”

“So, James, you single?” Remus asks, jokingly, but Sirius glares. 

“Oh yeah, always am for you, Moons,” he smirks, dropping onto the lounge beside the other two boys. 

“Ok!” Sirius leans forward, grabbing Remus’ attention. Remus turns around quickly, before Sirius kicks James in his shin. Marlene and Mary laugh, glancing at each other. “Plus, what happened to your little crush?”

“For the last time, I don’t fucking fancy him, Black,” he throws his hands up.

“Him?” Marlene picks her head up from the decorations she had now joined in on making. “We’ve found another one?”

“I’ve had James for ages,” Sirius shoots at Marlene, glaring, and folding his arms over his chest. “He’s mine.”

James pouts, leaning over the top of Remus, to squeeze Sirius’ hand, “always have been, always will be,” he murmurs.

“You two are such losers,” Remus blinks, and his eyes stay closed for a few seconds, as he gets up from the couch to move over with Marlene and Mary. “Where’s the better one?”

“Right here,” Sirius points at himself. 

“What do you mean, Sirius? You’re pointing the wrong way,” Mary smirks, “I'm right here, cunt.”

Marlene drops her head, sighing, “just because you learnt the word cunt doesn’t mean you always have to fucking use it all the time!” 

“Yeah, I do,” Mary declares. “But where is Pete, actually?”

“Off with his secret lover,” Sirius scoffs. “Out of all of us, Peter is the one who has one.”

“Hey!” Remus looks at him.

“I think I would shag Pete if he wanted to,” James says, shrugging. Mary cringes, but then her face settles into a grin. 

“I would shag Lily to be honest,” Mary tells the rest of them, as she stares at the pink paper she’s cutting into a heart, because Lily’s favourite shape is a love heart; of course, Mary was the only one who actually knew this. 

“Same,” Marlene shrugs.

“Hey! Lily is Mary’s girlfriend, who doesn’t know she’s her girlfriend,” James glares. “Fuck off.”

“Who is it?” Marlene asked. “Who is yours, Potter? I like Dorcas, Mary likes Lily, Sirius likes Remus, and Remus likes Sirius, so who is yours?

James sighed, “it’s…” he says, but says so quietly that she was unable to hear him. She leaned in to attempt to hear. He says it again, but she scrunches her eyebrows, still not hearing him. “It’s Regulus! Alright?!”

“Ay!” Marlene put her hand up to high five him. “Mean Slytherins are fit, can’t say I blame you on that one.”

“Why them when bitchy werewolves exist?” Sirius says. James turns to him, glaring, and Remus looks up, sitting just in front of Sirius’ legs, both of them facing each other.

“Sirius,” he says, gazing up at him. 

“Remus.”

“Stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Talking about me.”

“Not every werewolf I mention is you,” he widens his eyes, glaring at him. “You just happen to also be a bitchy werewolf, but you’re hot, so…”

Remus chuckles, but his cheeks brighten into a soft pink, as he tries to avoid the eyes of Sirius, because, as he sits there, with Sirius right in front of him, he almost melts. Because he is so in love with him.

“Stop,” he says, attempting to hide the grin that broke out onto his face. “You’re talking about me as if I’m better than the asshole with nice hair.”

“I’m an asshole with nice hair,” Sirius says, as if he’s pointing it out; also as if Remus wasn’t talking about him, even though he was obviously talking about him. 

“Exactly,” Remus mumbles.

“What did you just say?” Sirius says; he seems happy. Hopeful. 

“Nothing,” Remus says, in a higher pitched voice, smiling as he knows he’s got into Sirius’ head, and for the first time in a while, he looks like he’s never been happier. 

“I’m going to go for a walk,” Marlene declares, dropping her scissors onto the table; the room, no matter how warm it feels, and how it’s one of the only places she feels properly safe, it gets stuffy at times, and too warm. “See you,” she says, walking out of the common room.

She smiles to herself as she strolls through the corridors of Hogwarts. She remembers the first day she arrived there; it was so long ago, but it was as if it was yesterday. Not in the time flies when you’re having fun bullshit way, but in the way that the day was so memorable to her. 

Not all of those memories were memorable because they were positive—that was the first day she lost her brother to others. Even before that, even when he became friends with Dorcas, she had never truly felt as if she had lost her brother, until that first day, where the hat sat on his head for quite a while, and decided Slytherin was where he belonged. 

But there was only one thing she ever had to say about him at this point in time, is that she was beyond proud of him, and the way she watched from a distance is that she was happy to watch, even if it was from afar. 

She sometimes wondered what he thought of her. If he was proud of the young woman she was growing up to be, or if he was ashamed of who she really was—either way, she couldn’t allow herself to dwell on the thoughts of others. Because when she contemplates what others think, and tugs and rips at it too much, she almost falls apart. She can’t fall apart, because she can’t let anyone waste their time on saving her—and now, she finally understands what Lily means. 

She arrives at the Astronomy Tower; her safest place of them all—and she thinks. She thinks over the past week, and how Dorcas has been persistently trying to destroy her, until a couple of days ago.

She knew things don’t stay perfect forever, but she was hoping this could be the one exception to it all—Marlene had raised her hand in more classes than Dorcas on Monday, and then again on Thursday. That never happens. It was always fifty, fifty; she allowed Marlene to win, and oh how she wanted to scream in her face, how dare she not want to destroy her. 

“Oh, I thought you were Dorcas,” a boy’s voice says, and she knows immediately who it was, because she grew up listening to that painfully annoying voice. She turned around. 

“Dane,” she says. “You know, we’ve seen each other so many times, and I haven’t really spoken to Jamie in a few days.”

“He’s probably hiding,” Dane steps towards her, smiling. “We’re his older siblings, him being embarrassed of us is a part of the deal.”

Marlene chuckles, her arms softly placed on the railings, not even if feeling a hint of cold because of the amount of layers she covers herself in whenever it’s winter. 

“We should try to embarrass him more,” she decides, and he’s finally coming to stand beside her, mirroring her actions. 

“You mean you don’t already?”

“No, do you?!”

“Yes!” He laughs, throwing his arms up in the air. He’s staring at Marlene, and he’s smiling. “I can’t believe you don’t. Marls, as older siblings, it’s our job to go up to him every morning, and kiss him on the cheek, and make the loudest noise. Do I need to give you older sibling lessons?”

“Merlin, I didn’t think it was that important,” she widens her arms, but she’s pretty sure at that moment that she hasn’t felt this happy in a long time. It was just her and him, and there they were, back a few years. Or maybe it was different; not in a bad way. 

He gasps, “of course it is, Marlene.”

“Ok, I’m sorry, then, Dane,” she smiles. “I truly am.”

“Hey Marls!” A voice says, from below the trap door of the astronomy tower. “You up here?” James asks, as he pushes the door open, and his face drops into a frown, seeing Dane; embarrassed. Again. “Oh, I thought—you looked upset when you left so I thought I’d come up, and Sirius and Remus need some alone time.”

“Mary is still there,” Marlene points out.

“Oh,” James cringes, as if he’s come to some sort of realisation. “I didn’t think of that actually, maybe she’s looking for Lily.”

“I know you,” Dane says. 

“Yeah, we’ve shared multiple classes together since we were eleven,” James turns to him. Dane looks down.

“We’ve never talked before,” Dane tells him. “But you’ve talked to my friend before.”

James’ shoulders drop, “why won’t anyone let it go?”

“Regulus likes you a lot,” Dane shrugs his shoulders, looking James up and down, and then meets his eyes once again. “Don’t see why though.”

“Ok, well your taste in people isn’t so great either,” James smirks, leaning onto the railing. He licks his lips. “You like you know, but you’ll settle for someone who isn’t worth your time at all.”

Dane’s lips twitch, “when the person you like doesn’t feel the same way about you, you have to find other people, it’s how it works, and Evan likes fucking Pettigrew.”

Evan. Rosier. A boy. Her brother likes a boy. She glances at him, but he doesn’t dare look back at her. 

“You’re not really losing anybody though,” James states as if he’s informing him. “Evan sucks—his parents believe in that bullshit, and so does he.”

“He doesn’t really care much.”

“Love is blind,” Marlene finally speaks. “All the bad traits of a person can go away when you are so in love with them, Dane can’t control being in love with Evan.”

Dane sighs. In relief. 

“No matter how much we want somebody to be in love with someone else, it’s not easy on their behalf, and on ours; we can’t control who others end up falling for. And, if we think for a moment; we don’t deserve them, that is bullshit, because love will never be about who we deserve. It is solely a feeling that we feel for others, and one we cannot stop ourselves from feeling. That’s just how it is.”

“I know,” James says, and Dane makes a sound in agreement. “I’ve fallen in love twice—the first time was with Lily, I loved her in every way I could’ve thought of at some point. I would always try my hardest to win to impress her, and she would beat me, because she was just that talented. And I would be happy that she would win, honestly, I felt more happy when she would, and at fourteen, I had myself convinced that no one else in this world would make me feel the same way as she did. But Regulus did, and my love for him felt right in ways that my love for Lily didn’t.”

“I’ve only ever felt that for one person,” Marlene murmurs, staring into the distance—at the quidditch pitch; the first time where she and Dorcas had ever gotten into a fight when they were twelve years old, and Hooch had to break it up. And she remembers the first time she felt Dorcas’ touch, and she felt as if she was ascending. At only twelve years old, she found herself falling so deeply. But that time; it didn’t feel like falling. It never felt like falling. It felt as if she was walking through a door, and had finally found a home. A place where her heart belongs. And that was with Dorcas. 

“I’ve never fallen in love properly,” Dane tells them. “There’s Evan, but it’s not love. I’ve thought about it, and it doesn’t seem like love.”

“Mum told me once that when it is love, you’ll immediately know,” James says; both Marlene and Dane didn’t say anything. She thinks they just needed somebody, all three of them, who never had any real reason to be upset, they needed people who understood them, and they just let each other sit in each other’s presence. 

The next day, she felt ok in ways that she hadn’t been in so long—she felt happier, and she felt healthier, and she felt free. The burden she had been carrying around for all those years had finally been lifted. 

“Marlene!” Benjy calls out from behind Marlene in the corridors, and she snaps her head around to find him running; for the first time in his life, and probably the last time as well. “Hey,” he sighs. “Just—fuck—one second. Jesus. Ok.”

“What’s wrong, mate?” She asks, laughing a little, as he breathes in and out, so deeply just from running down the hall. 

“So, the whole Lockhart thing is over now,” he tells her, his bag over his shoulder. “He’s a bit—erm, how do I say this nicely? Arrogant. Maybe up himself, he thinks he’s so much better than everyone else even though his dick is a micro one.”

Marlene cackles, “burn!” she puts her hand up to high-five him, and he reluctantly puts his own hand to high-five her. “What about Barty?”

“What?” He says quickly. Marlene laughs. “I don’t know how big it is.”

“How big are his feet?”

“Marls!” 

“What?”

“I haven't seen it, because we aren’t dating.”

“Just look at his feet,” she shrugs. He makes a face. “What?” He doesn’t say anything. “What?!” 

“Hi,” Barty placed his hands on Benjy’s shoulder. “I’ve been looking for you everywhere, usually you’re waiting near our common room.”

“Yeah, I walked past it today, and he saw me,” Marlene tells him. “It’s finally over with Lockhart.”

“Oh,” Barty says, with a smile on his face. “I’m—er, sorry that—yeah, sorry.” 

“I’m not,” Benjy shrugs his shoulders. “There are better people,” he shoots a look towards Barty, who almost dies. He smiles. 

“Yeah, I suppose there probably is.”

“Speaking of people, and romance, and shit, there’s—er—there’s a Hogsmeade trip on Valentine’s day,” Benjy tells him, hopefully, as if he was hoping that Barty would pick up on the hint.

“Yeah I know,” Barty nods, “I’m thinking of asking somebody out.”

“Oh,” Benjy murmurs, his shoulders sinking. “Who is it?”

“A surprise,” Barty smirks. “Their birthday is coming up soon, and I want to ask them, then.”

“That’s thoughtful,” he grunts, with his arms folded over his chest. 

“Yeah, that’s very nice, Crouch,” Marlene smiles, hand resting on Benjy’s back, as he walks with his shoulders rolled over, clearly pissed off. But it was clear that Barty knew exactly why. 

“I’m sure they’ll be very happy,” he mumbles. 

“I’m sure they will,” Barty nods, and then winks at Marlene. And it seemed as if everything was turning around at this point; Dane didn’t hate her, she had all her friends, and even more than she had before. And Benjy had finally found someone worth his time.

“I’m sure they’d be happier if you asked them now instead of on their birthday, because they’re probably pouting about how you haven’t asked them out yet,” Marlene mumbles, winking at him. 

“I’d rather it be special, you know? Like I want them to be surprised.”

“You know,” Benjy says. “Say I am the person, I think that if someone wanted to ask me out, I would want them to ask me straight away.”

Barty stops, “ok,” he nods, “so what time should we meet up, then?” 

“What?” He turns around, his glare settled. His arms are still crossed over his chest, as if he still wants to act angry, though the smile creeping behind the frown was more in plain sight than he’d probably liked it to be.

“I said, when should we meet up? Because I know you like butterbeer a lot, that I will never understand though, so we’ll have to have time to go to the Three Broomsticks, but it’s a bit stuffy in there, and I think a walk would be nice as well.”

“You’re asking me?” He says, kind of cringing, judging Barty’s judgement of character, and Barty gazes at him in a way that no one has ever, and ever will look at Benjy; with so, so much love. More love that anyone will ever be capable of. 

Except Marlene, and her love for Dorcas—she was unable to comprehend how anybody would be able to love someone more than the amount that Marlene has for her. And she hopes so greatly that Dorcas feels the same.!

“Yeah, Benjy, I am,” he murmurs. Then he smirks. “Do you have a problem with that?”

“I—no, I don’t, I’d love—like—I’d like to go on a trip to Hogsmeade with you.”

“Date,” Barty corrects him, slightly cautiously now. 

“Date,” Benjy agrees. And Marlene would feel embarrassed, if she weren’t so immensely happy for the both of them; she kind of feels like high-fiving Benjy now. The dicks finally did it. 

“Eugh,” Marlene groans. “This is making me feel so… Lonely, but I’m happy for you, mate, and you, Barty.”

“Yeah,” he smiles. “If it’s any constellation, I think Dorcas has sort of a thing for you.”

“I can only hope,” she shrugs. She spots Regulus sitting down, with a blank stare on his face, as he gazes into the distance, and he has a journal in his lap, and a quill in his hand. “I’m going to leave you two, maybe you finally make out or something.”

“Marlene,” Benjy grunts.

“And maybe you can find out his shoe size, I don’t know,” she jogs away, whilst Benjy continues to glare at her, slightly embarrassed, as his cheeks turn pink, and Barty’s eyes are glued on him. “Ciao, lads.”

”So long,” Benjy bows, dramatically. Always putting on a show for those around them, because why would anyone ever act in a normal way when they can act that way?

Marlene takes her time to slow down, and by the time she’s walking, she’s walking down a lonely corridor; so empty that it feels kind of like the corridors have a mind of their own. As if it flips the walls and floors around to get a person who needs to be alone, to be alone—she’s happy. She’s mostly happy. She has no proper reason to feel sad; but sometimes she feels drained. 

Not that I’m exhausted from exercising, which anybody would expect out of her, because she’s the quidditch co-captain! But sometimes she doesn’t want people to think that. Sometimes she just wants people to know she’s a human being, who finds it hard to push through social, human interaction, and finds it difficult to always be around others. 

And she doesn’t think that is unhealthy; wanting to be alone, wanting to feel no one’s presence, but her own, the only exception of this being Dorcas, of course. But that is it. 

Sometimes all she thinks she needs is to lie down next to somebody she loves, to not hear a single word being spoken, or a single sound being made, and just needs to ascend into that moment. That's all she needs. 

And it’s not because she hates people, or because she has anything against any of them, she just needs herself. more than she needs a friend, she thinks. 

She hates thinking. Majority of the time. But she loves thinking about Dorcas, and her smile, and the sound of her laugh, and how soft it is when she’s happy. And how absolutely perfect it sounds when Marlene says something that Dorcas finds hilarious, and the rush she feels throughout her own body when Dorcas makes a single movement. 

And that’s the only time she likes overthinking. She’s in love with every single thing about Dorcas, and she loves  to overanalyse every single little thing, as long as it is about her. As long as her whole life is dedicated to herself, and Dorcas, only. As long as she only lives, breathes and does everything for her for the rest of her life.

“Hey Jamie!“ She says, suddenly back into reality the moment she spots him. “I haven't seen you in so long, love.”

“It’s been a couple of days,” he shrugs her hands off his shoulders, as he glares at her. He’s tall, exactly like Dane and Marlene, and Micheal were; though she never really got to see Micheal when he was young. 

“You’re growing up too fast, stop growing, will you?”

“I’m only two years younger than you!” He groans, rolling her eyes. 

“Stop reminding me that I’m losing my baby brother,” she wipes a fake tear from below her eyes, putting a little of her body weight on his shoulders, able to reach it perfectly.

“Marls,” he glared.

“Ok, I’m sorry,” she says finally, taking her arms away from his shoulders, and giving him a forehead kiss like she always did—Jamie has always been a pretty sweet boy, after all, Marlene was his older sister, and she loved him so much. Sweet, and sensitive, and she used to cry when she was younger when she’d go off to Hogwarts those two years, and she’d kiss him on the forehead, and tell him she’d be back in a few months. After their real mum had left, he would sob for hours, and she would kiss him on the forehead, and he would allow himself to fall apart to be built up stronger by her, and let himself be comforted when he needed to.

“It’s ok,” he puts his arm around her shoulder, smiling smugly, finally eye level with Marlene after all those years of her teasing him for being only a few centimetres below her; they were both tall for their age. “So, Dorcas?”

She leans over slightly to nudge him, “I’m not talking about my sex life with my little brother.”

“Whoa!” He throws his arms up, cringing as if he’d smelt something horrible. “Sex?! Gross, Marlene, gross.”

Thirteen year olds, she rolls her eyes.

“No! No, I’m not having sex, I just mean—Merlin—I mean I’m not talking about my girlfriends with you of all people, mate.”

“Whatever,” he sighs, and she smiles, throwing her arm around him, and he grins back. He rests her head on her shoulder, and they walk. 

She spots Dorcas making her way over to Regulus, flicking her hair over her shoulder, as she draws closer to the boy; she never smiles, always such a tough person to please, but she grinned softly as she shared eye contact with him from across the hall. And this, though it wasn’t much, was something that meant everything to Marlene.

The way her lips pushed back slightly, and they curved up, and below her eyes creased, as she picked up her hand to wave for absolutely no good reason. Dorcas was in a moment of clarity, and Marlene was sure that she would live through millions of painful scenarios, so Dorcas could relive every single moment that ever brought her happiness, even if Marlene wasn’t in those moments.

The only thing she ever wanted for Dorcas was utter, and pure happiness, and she would attempt to give her that, even if it destroyed her in every single way imaginable. 

And she would rather disintegrate into the Earth, then ever live without Dorcas in her life.