Illicit Affairs

Mary Macdonald POV: Part 5

Mary was unable to deny the endless amount of painfully excruciating thoughts of her friends’ lifelines, and how every single one of them were all so much shorter than what Mary’s was; of course, she was the only one who properly paid attention to this fact. Not even Lily Evans, the best of all overthinkers, in the most random case scenario, could write the entire plot of a book in just a few seconds, because that’s how in depth her mind goes in thoughts. Yet, not even she noticed it.

All of her friends were oblivious to this fact. She attempted to talk to Marlene about it, but for the first time, she just shut it down, as if what Mary was trying to say was impossible. But Mary knew because there is a war going on. There is a war that is attacking people like her, and more importantly, Lily—and even Marlene; blood traitors are almost as bad as muggle borns. 

So she’d go to Dumbledore. Sure, he was an old nutter, and his grave was probably being dug up as the clock ticks. And yeah, he probably didn’t understand a word of what this generation was trying to say. But as much as he wouldn’t want to listen to somebody so much younger, so much more naive, he wouldn’t have much of a choice.

She thinks, if someone ran up to her, and told her that so many people would die so young, she would immediately listen, and help them; without another thought about it. 

She reaches his office, knocking softly on the door, her hands trembling, and her knuckles begin to ache as she does so. Mary sighs, running her hands over her head, and the door creaks open. She allows herself into the room, finding Dumbledore standing; facing the other way.

“Hello sir,” she says, putting a smile on her face, even though he wasn’t even looking at her. “I hope you’re well.”

He turns around, his hands behind his back, and he smiles warmly at her, pointing at a chair, as he sits back on his own, “I hope you are well, as well. So Miss Macdonald, may I ask why you have chosen to come into my office?”

“Yes sir,” she drops her smile, realising now wasn’t the time to be polite. “Erm, so this may sound a bit—erm—I may sound a bit like a nutter.”

“And I bet I do whenever I stand up in front of the school, who am I to judge you? What is your concern?”

“Well, our professor in Divination a couple of years back, her name is Professor Trelawney, Sybil’s grandmother.”

“Yes?” He nods. 

“She taught us how to read palms, and I suppose you know there’s a money line, other lines, and also a lifeline,” she says, hoping he would pick up on what she is trying to say. Though she was wondering how he could possibly do so quickly. But to find the words to explain how young her best friends, and her love, will die; it turned out to not be so easy. “The other night I was sitting in the common room, and Sirius asked Remus—“

“Sirius Black is the one who got in trouble a few months back, yes? And Remus is the one whom he betrayed, hm?”

“Oh, erm, yeah, but Remus is friends with him again—“

“Friends?”

“Well,” she laughed, because even their love was obvious to their headmaster, who may be in charge but didn’t have a huge involvement in their lives. “Now they are, I’ll give it a few months, but Sirius said he can read palms, and Remus says that his lifeline doesn’t look very long, it—I—he was right. It’s not long. At all.”

“I don’t mean to come across as impolite, but I’m not sure as to why you are telling this to me?”

“I’m scared,” she says, blunt, and fully honest. “Marlene’s is so short, Sirius, Remus and Pete all have the same one, James, Lily, I checked Dorcas’, and also Dane McKinnon, they’re the same. Also Regulus Black, his is so short, and I don’t think that can all be a coincidence, how they all just happen to have the same palm pattern. Usually I don’t believe in Divination or whatever, but once, yes, that’s normal, twice is a coincidence, but the many, many other times, it can’t just be one anymore, and I can’t stand to lose any of them. Especially Lily.”

“Ah,” he nods. “Young love, I remember being young, being in love with my best friend, he made me think crazy things, too. It’s nothing, Madam.”

“But it’s not crazy, sir!” She raised her voice softly, settling it once she saw his expression. “I think a lot of crazy things, I’m catholic, and I don’t believe in free will, I know! It’s crazy, but this. This is the one thing I feel is the most right thing I’ve ever thought. It doesn’t feel right, but it is right. I know it is.”

“Some people call Lily Evans one of the brightest witches of her age, I think it is you,” he says.

“Respectfully, I don’t want any compliments, sir.”

“I know,” his tone shifts into something so different. So sharp. So dangerous. “And I didn’t mean it as a compliment. Have you ever heard the saying, keep your nose out of other people's business?”

“Sir, have you ever heard of caring about your family and friends? Surely if you found out so many people in your life were going to die so young, you’d want to save them as well.”

“Sometimes we have to leave things the way they are. If they die, stuff happens, we shall move on from it,” he says, his voice back to normal. But his words weren’t. “Now, you will not say another word about it, and you will leave it alone. Think and consider the fact that I have more power over our world. Think about what I could do. The control I have, what influence do you have?” She can’t say anything else. “You will stay silent, or expect grave, grave consequences.”

“Professor,” she murmurs. 

How could they have never seen this? Dumbledore. Always staying in his study every single second of the day, the advice he gives, forcing children to play a part in a war. How could they have all been so blind?

“You shall be getting to bed, now,” he tells her. “Goodnight, Miss Macdonald.”

She leaves, she couldn’t stand another moment in that office, feeling as if she was suffocating. Choking. Dying. And she wished she would at that moment; so she wouldn’t have to ever experience keeping the secret that her friends will die. 

She ran her hands over her hair again as her breath was speeding up, and her vision was blurring. She collapsed into a seat behind her, spotting only the outline of somebody approaching her. Was she dying? Did Dumbledore do this? Is he coming up to kill her now?

“Mary!” Lily shouts, and she places her hands on Mary’s cheeks. Mary can only see the outline of her, but all she could at that moment was how she was able to see Lily from a mile away, and even then; she was so fucking beautiful. So perfect. “Mary, are you ok?! Oh my god, you’re so sweaty.”

She wipes her hands over her hips. And Mary felt herself beginning to cry, but no tears left her eyes. It was the sweat, and the heavy breaths that she was barely able to get out. She was dying, she knew she was, and Lily, of all people, was going to watch her die. 

“Lily,” she sighs, crying through her pants. “Please.”

“Er, ok,” She sighs, looking as if she’s about to sob. “It’s ok, we can get through this, just erm, let’s count. Alright? To thirty.”

Thirty. Her birthday—five days away. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then Friday; her birthday.

“So five will equal breathing in, three is holding it, and five again out, ok?” She says, not letting go of Mary once. “Are you ready?”

Mary managed to nod. 

“1… 2… 3…” Lily started, and Mary followed. Because she would do anything Lily said. “Hold for 1… 2… 3…”

And Lily continued to do so until Mary got calmer in a way. She glanced in her direction to say thank you. If other people didn’t understand this, Lily would, and Mary knew this as she squeezed her shoulder. 

“I felt like I was dying,” Mary sighed, wiping her eyes. 

“It’s called a panic attack,” Lily tells her, pushing her softly so she was able to take a seat beside her. “I get them as well sometimes. It’s awful, but was there any reason?”

Yes, she wanted to tell her. But she thought about the consequences. She thought about death. She thought about getting kicked out of Hogwarts. She thought about every single bad thing that could happen to herself. Everything that would threaten her own life. But she didn’t care, because as she stared into Lily’s eyes, she would rather die than keep any other secret from her.

She leaned in, pushing her lips against Lily’s. She feared the consequences of this; Lily would push her away, and say some words along the lines of how could I ever like you? And storm off and tell everybody about this encounter. But Lily didn’t, she kissed her back, bringing her hand up to below Mary’s ear, and the other, softly rested on her knee. 

Mary leaned forward, pressing harder into the kiss, and Lily leaned into it as well. Soon enough, Mary knew exactly what she was doing, and she didn’t want it to end, lifting her hands up to rest on Lily’s jawline. 

It stopped. 

It felt as if Lily’s lips ran away, the moment disintegrated into their memories, and both of the girls seemed to stand up at the same time; they formed into one.

She always felt half. Mary always felt a piece of her had never really been there. She had never really been full. But finally, she’d found the piece of her that completed her. Another soul that was made of the same thing as hers. She had finally found Lily in a way that she had never been able to before.

“I,” Mary began. Expecting to lie, saying that she never wanted to do that. Explaining how she just wanted to kiss a girl to see what it’s like, and Lily was the easy option. To destroy Lily, and herself. 

“So I suppose this is the right time to tell you that it’s almost curfew,” Lily laughed, nervously, rubbing her palms together; the light from the moon softly reflecting off the sweat on her hands. 

“Ok, Miss Prefect,” Mary smiles, slightly bowing.  “Always knew you’d make a perfect one.” Telling her it’s almost curfew after she spent a few whole minutes making out with her. If she wasn’t so mesmerised, she would just cackle because of the irony. 

“Thanks,” she shrugs. 

“I kind of wanted to go to the chapel, though.”

“I’ll walk you there?” Lily offers, and Mary nods, smiling softly. She was sure at the moment that she would never fall for anyone else in this lifetime. Or any other lifetime, until she met Lily again, and she would fall head over heels again, and again, and again. “Erm, so back to what we were talking about before, was there any specific reason that you were, y’know?”

“Oh,” she murmurs. “Yeah, I was nervous because everyone’s lifeline, on their palm, had seemed short, and no one believed me, but it was stupid.”

“I believe you, Mary,” Lily tells her. Mary’s stomach twists, and it turns, and the sound of Lily saying Mary; the way it leaves her lips. It almost causes her to just fall apart at that moment, and Lily was right there to pick her up. “I thought Catholics don’t believe in that sort of stuff, you know, readings, and stuff.”

“Oh, er,” Mary glances at her, hearing her voice after the long silence between the two. “They don’t, I kind of believe in free will, but I also don’t. What are you?”

“Jewish,” Lily chuckles. “I used to see you go to Church every single Sunday, I live across the street from a Church. I’m Jewish, and gay, and I live across from the Catholic Church.”

“Ironic,” Mary says; it’s all she can come up with. “So you definitely are gay, then?”

“Yeah,” she bites her bottom lip. “Are you?”

“Not fully,” Mary shrugs. Lily’s shoulders kind of sink, as if she heard that she has no chance. “In the way I like everybody, not just boys, and not just girls, you know?”

“Yeah, I know, except I like girls,” Lily folds her arm over her chest, as she grins to herself. Mary noticed from the corner of her eye, soon coming to the chapel. To know that she was the reason Lily smiled; she was on top of the world at that moment. “Here we are, I can wait out here for you, and we can talk—about that.”

Lily gestures from where they come from, tilting her head, and making an awkward laugh. Mary would have laughed if she weren’t so in love with Lily; the insanely clever, but socially awkward redhead girl who lives a few houses down from her, and her sister, who is the more popular, outgoing one out of the two, but Lily was the one for Mary. Always would be. Anywhere she went, it was Lily.

“Yeah,” she smiled. “I’ll see you in a second.”

“Alright,” Lily beamed.

“Alright,” Mary agreed, her hand on the doorknob as she walked inside, leaving the other girl. The door slammed behind her, and the lighting in the room was nice. It was the way she wanted it. Not too bright, but light enough she could navigate her way through it. There were at least ten rows in the church; it wasn’t too big, not many students were religious, which is why the size was the way it was.

She softly pulled down the kneeler, stepping down to rest her knees down there—she found comfort from this, asking for forgiveness for past sins, speaking to God, and venting about things that have bothered her lately. She never hated Church; she rather liked it, knowing there was always going to be God to pick her up.

She lifts her hands up, marking the sign of her faith.

“In the name of the Father, the Sun, and the Holy Spirit, Amen,” she says, “dear God, I hope you can find in your heart to forgive me for my past sins, I finally did it. I finally kissed Lily, the girl I told you about last time. I know, I know, I should’ve waited to do this when I got married, stuff like that, but I really like this one. I’ve come to you for other crushes, but this one feels different. I wonder if Jesus ever felt that way about anyone, maybe he felt that way about Judas, and it broke his heart when he betrayed him for the Devil. Who knows? But I do find a lot of comfort from thinking that he once found love the same way I have. But Lily is different from every single person I’ve ever met. She is so perfect, beyond words. And if I was ever going to get married, I would get married to her, even if it is illegal. I’d break the law a million times over for her. I would get on one knee, and I would explain my love to her, and tell her that no matter how many words I could say at that moment, it would never be able to explain how much I love her, and how much I will love her, and how I’ve loved her more every single day since I realised. And her lifeline is short. Too short, and she deserves to live. More than I do. More than anyone does, and I hope you can help her. To pick her up, to look after her, even when I can’t. That is all I am asking from you. For forgiveness, and for you to love her the same way you’ve loved me over the years. In the name of the Father, the Sun, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.”

She gets up, picking up the kneeler again, and glancing around the chapel, peering at the paintings of Mary, and baby Jesus. And then older Jesus, and him being crucified on the cross. She sighs, and leaves, finding Lily still sitting there.

When she closes the door behind her, Lily jumps out of her seat.

“You actually waited,” Mary rubs her hands together, attempting to hide her grin. She didn’t want to seem desperate. Not to Lily. Ever. 

“Yeah, of course,” she says, beginning to walk away, and Mary jogs to catch up to her. “So… Erm, I’m really sorry if you didn’t want to kiss me.”

“I did,” Mary states. “I wanted to kiss you. I’ve wanted to kiss you for an entire month now. I didn’t stop thinking about it, Lily. God, I don’t know how you didn’t realise. For an entire month, you’ve been the only thing that I've thought about.”

“For an entire month?!” Lily says, surprised. “How can three years ever compete with that?” 

“Three years?” Mary says, her mouth falling open, and she couldn’t lie to herself, she was shocked. 

“I don’t know how you didn’t notice,” She crosses her arms. 

“Well if I just started acting differently out of nowhere, you should’ve picked up on it.”

“Erm,” Lily cringes, scrunching her eyebrows. “I started distancing myself from you this entire month, and you just thought that was a coincidence.”

“Ok, well I am a fool when it comes to you, Evans,” Mary grins, tilting her head, resting it on her shoulder, and Lily nudges her softly with her own shoulder. “I mean it.”

“I believe you, Macdonald,” Lily bits her bottom lip, and her cheeks are a bright pink; only she visibly blushes that way. More than anyone else Mary had ever come across. “Ok, I don’t. I don’t understand why you chose me.”

“I didn’t choose you, it wasn’t a choice,” Mary shakes her head. “It just happened, why did you choose me? Why not Marlene, or erm—er.”

“Oh, I chose you because I don’t have any other friends, and it was just convenient for me,” Lily shrugs, and Mary pushes her lightly. “I fancy you, because you’re you. No other reason than that, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

Mary giggles, and she hates how it sounds; like a desperate thirteen year old girl, whose crush, (much older) said a single word to her. But to be fair, that’s how it felt. But that, and so much more real. 

It was her first proper love, and it made every single other little crush so irrelevant, because it was Lily; the most perfect son of a bitch that Mary will ever be in the presence of. 

“Anyways, I need to go find Remus, because I did tell him that I would save him from… erm, I can’t remember his name, but the poor Ravenclaw has a crush on Remus, and Remus needs me to save—“ Lily turns her head, and Mary also stops dead, because there Peter is, alongside Evan Rosier, and they’re…

“What the actual fuck?” Mary says, her mouth falling so widely open she was sure it was about to fall off. She smacks her hands up to her eyes, and Lily does the same thing, though she just stares at her feet. “I—Please, pull your pants up, lads.”

Evan and Peter do exactly what she said, and Peter looks absolutely distraught, whilst Evan stands beside him with a smirk on his face.

“Ok, I feel like I want to ask, but I don’t,” Lily gestures her hands around, making a sort of weight scale thing. “Do what you want, but why not do it in a more private place, Pete?”

“You mean in a corridor where nobody ever really walks, because it’s late at night, and no teachers have any of these classrooms, and no one needs to go to any of them,” Evan crosses his arms. 

“You’re not going to give us detention, are you?” Peter’s voice is high pitched, and worried, whilst Evan places his hand on Peter’s, comforting him. 

“No, of course not,” Lily shakes her head. “You were just—erm—how do I say this?”

“Making love,” Evan suggests.

“Yes,” Lily placed her hand out, agreeing. “Exactly. I’m not going to give you a detention for that, but do get to bed, boys, it’s getting late. And Pete, you can always come up with us.”

“Yeah, er, can Ev as well?”

“I’m not going to ask why, but yeah, sure,” Lily motions for them to start walking again. Mary’s eyes drop back to Lily’s arms, and oh, how she had to use every single muscle in her body to stop herself from grabbing her hand; even if that was a normal thing for them before. “Remus is on the way up, just a heads up.”

“Alright,” Peter murmurs, still embarrassed, maybe even ashamed.

“Pete, are you ok?” Mary asks. He shrugs. “Er, why don’t you walk this way with me?” She says, and to which he reluctantly agrees. He kind of glanced back at Evan, scared, but Evan shrugs back at him, telling him it’ll be fine. “Evan?”

“Yes,” he sighs. “I’m sorry, Mary, it’s just—I don’t know.”

“Since when did you start making full on commitments to people, Pettigrew?” She smiles, attempting to let him know that she didn’t mind he was with a boy. 

“Him,” he says, quietly. “Just him—Before, y’know where I would have at least two girlfriends in one week.”

“Oh yes, Pete, how could I forget the heartbroken girls who came crying to me when you didn’t want them?”

“I think it never worked out because I was always looking for the wrong thing from the wrong people, and then he sort of showed up, and it seemed right for the first time.”

“I get that, and I’m happy for you,” she swings her arm around him, kissing him on his forehead. “Your happiness will always matter more than the people you date.”

“Thank you, Mary,” he says, rubbing his eyes, as if they’re burning, and he turns to hug her, so tightly he’s almost lifting her up from the ground. And her hands wrap above his shoulders, closing her eyes—he was her best friend; next to Marlene and Lily, Peter was absolutely everything to her. “I’m just scared to tell Sirius and James. They hate Slytherins.”

“You shouldn’t be,” she frowns. “They love you, I’m sure they’ll care more about the fact you’re happy, rather than the person you chose to make you happy. And if they don’t, you have me till the very end, love.”

Mary woke up the following day, with her eyes burning, and so deeply wanting to stay in bed for the rest of the day. The sight of Lily Evans changes that; she has a butterfly clip in her mouth, pushing a bobby pin above her plaits. Mary smiles in the mirror, and Lily instantly turns around.

“Good morning,” she grins, sliding the butterfly clip into her hair. Mary smiles, her eyes almost shut, because she’s so exhausted. 

“You look pretty, God I love when things never change,” Mary tells her, and Lily’s cheeks flush. She turns around, hiding her face from Mary, but she can still see her face in the mirror. “How’d you sleep?”

“I slept alright, you?”

“Alright,” Mary nodded, pulling her shirt over her head, throwing it to the corner of the room, putting another one.

“Mary,” Lily grunts. “What have I said about throwing your clothes across the bedroom?”

“Who are you trying to impress, Lils?” she walks up to her, kissing her on the cheek, going on her tiptoes slightly. Lily turns her head, glaring. “What?”

And Lily kisses her, turning her entire body to Mary, resting her hands on her hips, using them to pull her closer. Mary placed her hand behind Lily's head, shutting her eyes, sinking into her. 

“Hmm,” Mary says. “Where is Marlene?”

“Down at the quidditch pitch, she left ten minutes ago,” Lily murmurs through each kiss. 

“So we have about an hour?”

“As much as I would love that, I’m going to the library.”

“Eugh, Evans,” Mary groans, holding onto Lily’s hand as she walks by. “You’re cockblocking yourself.”

“You don’t have one,” Lily says, gathering her stuff to put into her backpack. 

“Ok, just wait, I’m going to come down with you,” Mary rushes through the room, jumping into her trousers, and pulls her shoes onto her feet quickly. “So the O.W.Ls are coming up soon, are you nervous?”

“Why would I be nervous?” Lily asks, in that fake high pitched voice she does when she’s lying. Mary slides her hand into Lily’s as they head down the stairs. 

“Because you always do around exam times, but Lily, you’ll do great,” she squeezes her hand softly. “You always do better than everyone else does.” 

Lily glances at her, grinning, and Mary wanted to take a picture of her, and keep it for the rest of time. She wanted to stare at it, and she’s sure that she would never be sad ever again. 

And at the end of this week, she’d get to see Lily smothered with love, and happiness from everybody around her, and it would be because of what Mary planned.

Everything is the way she wants it to be.