Illicit Affairs

Lily Evans POV: Part Five

Lily had left Mary. She couldn’t stand it anymore; being around somebody she wanted so deeply but couldn’t have, because they didn’t want her back. So she went with Severus—which she knew would ruin her friendship—relationship, whatever they’d like to call it—with Mary, but… as much as Lily would live through all the pain in the world just so none of it would even skid across Mary, she couldn’t bare to break her own heart more than she’s done over the two years since she realised she was head-over-heels in love with her best friend. 

So instead of being the person who would make Mary laugh, the person who would jog down the halls behind her and Marlene, because she despised running, and would not be caught dead doing so, she watched Mary from a distance. Lily watched as other people would make her smile, someone else looking down at their lap as Mary did that Mary Macdonald double hair tuck, because something funny had happened. She watched from afar.

And Severus was starting to be Severus again, and Lily hated who he was turning into; his gross jokes to impress Mulciber and Avery, and it seemed as if he was really starting to believe the bullshit the other two believed in—sexist assholes is what they were, and what Severus was becoming. And Lily just sat there silently, letting him turn into that. She felt somewhat guilty about it all.

About Mary. About Severus. About James, and how she doesn’t feel the same way. And how she’s been avoiding Marlene McKinnon, knowing she would be able to see through her ten different masks—and she wasn’t sure how to explain it all to Marlene, not because she thought that Marlene wouldn’t understand, but because she didn’t even understand herself. 

Why she’s been feeling the way she has—she didn’t know why, and she wanted it to stop. She wanted to stop feeling. She wanted to stop existing—because she didn’t want to exist in a world where she’s lost every single one of her friends.

Lily sat in the library, after hours. She would always do this when she didn’t know what else to do with her time, and she would watch the moon, and the stars, and how they align at night, and how they aligned the night before, and she would compare them.

“I knew I would find you here,” Marlene poked her head around the wall, smiling, as she took a seat next to Lily in the windowsill. “I haven’t seen you enough lately, but I doubt that that is merely a coincidence.”

See. Marlene knew her in ways that others were unable to. There were only two other people who understood; and she was avoiding one, and didn’t see the other one much anymore.

She was losing everyone, and what was even worse is that she knew it was just her fault. Nobody else’s. It was just hers. She sighed. 

“I miss you,” Marlene tells her. “Mary does, too.”

Lily chuckles.

“I’m not joking,” Marlene says, her face dead serious. 

“Yeah, I know, Marlene,” she brings her knees up to her chest, resting her chin on her knees, and she doesn’t know what to do anymore. 

So she cries.

Her eyes burn, and she just lets her tears fall. Tear after tear falls, before Marlene pulls her closer, cradling her head close to her chest, and never in Lily’s life has she felt so much comfort from one gesture. 

“It’s ok, Lils, it’s ok,” she repeats, but Lily doesn’t stop. She’s been holding it in for so long, and all she is doing at that moment is letting out, and she never wanted to feel that way ever again. “Lily, what’s wrong?”

“I—I don’t want to talk about it,” she says, attempting to take a deep breath, trying so hard to make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop. “It’s stupid.”

“Is she?” Marlene asks, and Lily knows now. That Marlene already knew before asking. She shakes her head; Mary would never be any less than perfection in Lily’s eyes. “What have you been doing? You know you deserve so much—“

“I don’t think I do,” she stares into one space, unable to take her eyes off it. Because she’s embarrassed, and she’s overwhelmed, and she can hardly believe she let herself do this. “I don’t.”

“ Yes,” Marlene says, sharply, sliding off the seat. “You deserve the fucking world, Evans, I don’t want to hear any less from you, because you know that’s a fucking lie. You’re so kind. So kind. You smile at everybody, even when you’re at your fucking worst, you make sure everybody is ok before you let yourself show even the littlest bit of real emotion, and you care for people more than you even live your own life. So before you give me that crap, you, out of every single person who walks on Earth, deserves somebody who can give you everything. So I do not understand for the life of me why you won’t let somebody give that to you?!” 

“Because she doesn’t!” Lily throws her hands up, standing up herself, as she stares up at Marlene. “She doesn’t feel the same way about me as I do for her, and she never fucking will, and Marlene, I know that and I get that, I’ve even accepted it! But I just need to distance myself until these feelings go away. It’s better for her, and it’s better—for me.”

“You don’t really believe that.”

“Yes I do,” she said. But Marlene was right. Lily was sure the day she loses feelings for Mary is the day that her life ends—which sounded creepy, which is why she needed to go, and leave, and end their friendship. Because Mary deserves better than that. 

“Have you ever heard the saying that distance makes the heart grow fonder?” 

“ Yes I have, because I was the one who told you about it.”

“Ever heard the saying take your own bloody advice? ” Marlene tilts her head, smiling sarcastically as Lily begins to realise what she was saying. 

“No, Marls, I love you, but this is different.”

“How is it different?” 

“Because Dorcas feels the same way, and Mary doesn’t. She likes guys. James fucking Potter has more of a chance than me, I hate him so much,” she throws her hands up. “I just—Marlene, I need to stay away.”

“Ok.”

“And I—what?”

“I said ok,” she shrugs her shoulders. “If it’s really ok, then I’ll let it go, but if it bothers you in the tiniest bit, please come to me. Please let me help you the way you’ve saved all of us over the years.”

“Ok—ok, I’ll do that. So … what’s going on with Mrs McKinnon.”

Marlene chuckles, “I invited her to something, and she said yes.”

“She what?!” Lily grabbed Marlene’s hand, dragging her to sit in the chair beside her. “Like a date?“

“No, I can’t tell you what it is, but she said yes,” Marlene’s eyes were barely open, as she smiled so widely Lily didn’t think that was possible. “So in the break, I kissed her, and she kissed me back, and then something else happened, but I made up with Dane, and I think I may have a real chance!”

“You made up with Dane?” She asks.

“Yeah,” Marlene grins back, a bit cautiously now.

“That’s so—that is fucking amazing, Marls—oh my god!” Lily beamed, putting what she felt aside, because she was so happy for Marlene. She knew how much it had been hurting her; because of how she felt with Petunia. 

As it got late, the night grew on, and the stars and moon rotated, it ended, and she had been woken up by Irma Pinch.

“Miss Evans, Miss McKinnon!” She says, as she stands above her, and her blurry vision focuses onto the lady. “Wake up, school starts in two hours,” she tells them. 

“Oh shit!” She jumps from the floor.

“Language, girl!” Madam Pinch points one finger at her. “I would hurry up if I were you, you two have to get back up to the tower, have a shower, get changed, have breakfast, and knowing you, Evans, you come into my library every single morning.”

“And I am your favourite student,” she smiles.

“You may be,” she shrugs. “But if you keep up this behaviour, sleeping in my library, you may not be for much longer.”

“You have favourite students?” Marlene brings one hand up to stroke the back of her neck; probably sore.

“Do you have a favourite professor?”

“Fair enough,” she shrugs.

“Yes, now get out,” she tilts her head, motioning over to the door, and Lily and Marlene immediately obey her orders—Lily gives her one last grin before leaving the library.

Madam Pinch has been one of Lily's favourite adults at this school, since the first time Pinch caught her over hours in the library, and she didn’t tell her to get out; instead she sat with her, and Lily told her everything. From realising she likes girls, to realising that she was in love with her best friend—and for some reason, Pinch sat there, nodding as if she understood exactly what Lily was struggling with.

McGonagall, and Pomfrey being her close seconds—she always tried to impress Professor McGonagall; she was one of the only female professors at that school, who wasn’t a librarian, or one of the nurses. She would do anything to prove herself to her.

And Pomfrey; she adored her for the fact that she healed people. That she healed Remus. The fact she healed everyone, when they fell off their brooms at their first quidditch game, or if they had gotten hit by a bludger, or if James and Sirius, the dickheads, played a prank on the wrong person, (who wasn’t their target). She looked up to Pomfrey, hoping to like her one day.

Maybe she’ll grow up to be a healer, or somebody who simply helps people. All she knew, being only fifteen years old, is that she wanted to die, knowing she had lived a full life, knowing that she didn’t live in vain, but in the way, when someone mentioned the name Lily Evans, they would think of bravery, helpfulness, and above all, kindness. 

After getting changed, and luckily not meeting the eyes of Mary Macdonald whilst she was up there, because if she did, she wouldn’t be able to hold herself together anymore—Mary was like a drug. People could be around it, but even touching it, it can start all sorts of problems. But Mary wouldn’t start a single problem, she would bloom new, and better things. Lily missed her, but she avoided thinking about it—she can’t let her guard down.

She walked down the corridor, her bag over her shoulder, making her way down to the Great Hall. She looked in the reflection of the mirrors as she went past them, checking how she looked, but all she could see was a tired girl, with bags under her eyes, and her messy bun basically falling out on its own. 

“Evans,” Emma Vanity, a pureblood ravenclaw, said to her as she walked by. Emma was a year above Lily, and they never really got along too well, but they haven’t been enemies, like Dorcas and Marlene were once. “They’ve started to tell us prefects to check for students’ robes, y’know if they’re wearing the right one, if they’re wearing it responsibly, because it’s important us older students set a good example, so I think you should know that.”

“I know!” Lily glared, crossing her arms over her chest. “I was at the meeting as well, if you haven’t noticed, I am also a prefect, or are you too busy doing something else, rather than listening?” 

“Evans, what else would I be doing?”

“I don’t know, Emmeline Vance, or something?” Lily smirked, walking past her.

“What did you just say?” She hisses in her ear. 

“I think you heard me,” Lily says, and Emma was only standing a few inches away from her at this point, she could feel Emma’s breath on her neck. “Or would you like me to say it louder? I wouldn’t ever do that, but can we pretend I would?”

“How the hell do you know?”

“I guessed,” she shrugs. “I actually didn't know if it was true or not, but now, I’m pretty sure it is.”

“Well,” Emma’s face settles less into a glare, more into a neutral expression that Lily was unable to read. She crossed her arms over her chest, only just inching toward her. “Now that you know, what are you going to do?”

Lily stepped closer once more, her hand resting softly on Emma’s cheek; she had to go on her tiptoes to reach her face properly, and she leans in and kisses her—she was surprised that her first kiss was with Emma, but she had to get over Mary; what’s a better way than throwing herself at any girl who wants to kiss her?

“We can’t be snogging out here,” Emma steps back, licking her lips, as she stares down at Lily’s feet, and she was able to see that Emma was blushing.

“We shouldn’t be,” Lily says, “at all.”

“I know,” Emma nods. “We’re prefects, we’re supposed to be setting a good example, not girls kissing other girls , oh god . Why did I—I’m sorry, Evans. I am really sorry. I shouldn’t—“

“I kissed you,” Lily shrugs, and she felt as if a minute of making out with Emma had really, kind of mellowed her out a bit. “Look, Emma, kiss whoever the hell you want, kiss boys, kiss girls, setting a good example doesn’t mean being ashamed of who you would like to kiss.”

“So—why shouldn’t we be, then?” She asks, straightening up her back as she, again, folds her arms.

“I have a question for you.”

“Yeah?”

“Who is someone who you know you would like to snog? Not just for fun, but because you really like them?”

“Promise not to tell?” Emma murmurs. 

“I promise, Emma.”

“Her name is Florence,” Emma tells her.

“Greengrass?”

“Yes.”

“Then kiss her, I suppose,” Lily smiles, placing her hand on her shoulder, as she walks past her again—she was happy that there was someone for everyone, but she felt as if she had no one. She liked Mary. So much. But she didn’t feel the same. 

“Who do you want to kiss?” 

She stops. “Mary,” she spins around to face her.

“Oh, lucky you, then.”

“Why?” Lily cringes—yes, how can shd be so lucky? How can she be so lucky to watch her best friend fall in love a million times over with so many boys? How can she be so lucky to watch it, and want to be one of the boys so bad? How, in the world, can Lily be so lucky, to know that that will never be her?

“She’s clearly in love with you,” Emma shrugs. 

“No she isn’t.”

“Yeah she is,” she says. “She always looks so sad when you aren’t around, and when you’re with her, she’s never like that. She generally lives more when you’re with her, but lately, I haven’t seen you with her, and she doesn’t seem like herself. Plus, she always asks around when she can’t find you, and looks disappointed when no one can give her a straight answer. She sits in the library with you and studies, despite not enjoying doing so, because she does better on tests when she doesn’t study, but because you enjoy it so much, and you do better when you prepare beforehand, she always goes with you. You’re underestimating her, because she loves you in ways the world has never seen.”

“It’s because we’re friends, and she’s—a really good friend,” Lily frowns.

“Look, friends love each other, and like for each other to be happy, but soulmates risk their own happiness just to make sure the other one is ok, and that’s what she does for you … and no doubt what you do for her.”

Lily stays silent, “love is an overstatement, I mean, I’m fifteen. I can’t really love anybody.”

“ Love doesn’t discriminate against age,” she states. “And what you two have—it’s more real than what my parents have, they’re fifty years old, they have been married for thirty years, and yet …”

Lily doesn’t have anything to say to this, because as much as she hates to admit it, and trust, she really hates to admit this, but Emma was right. Lily always knew at some point she truly loved Mary in every single way somebody could think of, and hearing the sentence, soulmates risking their own happiness to make sure the other one is ok has proved everything that Lily is afraid of.

And now, she had no idea what to do. She knew what she wanted to do; she wanted to rush through the halls, stand on top of the astronomy tower, and scream from the top of her lungs, I am in love with Mary Macdonald, and I don’t care what any of you fuckwits think about it. But of course, that is only what Lily wants to do.

Even that being said, she knows she’ll never be able to do it—say who she truly loved, and not give a shit what others had to say about it. But for Mary, she would die attempting to prove her love. Not that Mary would ever allow her to do that.

“I have to go now, Emma,” Lily says, looking at her watch; she didn’t have to, but she didn’t know how much more of the conversation she was able to talk. So she leaves, having even less of a clue than before. “Hi Sev,” she slides onto the seat across from him. 

“Hello Lily,” he says, closing the newspaper he was reading— foul play is expected, and Lily’s heart falls to the pit of her stomach; what?

“What are you reading?“

“Nothing important,” he tells her, but he’s lying. Since when has murders been nothing important. She adjusts the way she’s sitting, looking around the hall to make sure Mary looks ok. “You know I’ve said this before, but I am so glad you finally came to your senses.”

“What?” She looks back at him, furrowing her eyebrows.

“You know, leaving McKinnon, Macdonald, that Lupin boy.”

“Remus has done nothing wrong, Sev,” she says, and it seems as if this is all she ever says to Severus at this point. “And neither has Marlene or Mary.”

“Well … Marlene’s brother is better than her—he’s much smarter, and he’s in Slytherin.”

The way Severus went on about Dane now, Lily found it beyond irritating how much he would not stop talking. Lily was sure that he had a crush on him, or more, an obsession with him. But it was kind of refreshing to stop hearing about James Potter all the fucking time. 

“Yes, you’ve told me,” she says, sighing heavily. 

“He said this joke last night, when he was sitting with Regulus, Evan, Lestrange, Meadowes and Crouch,” she can see him smiling, as she stares at her plate that is now filled with food. “It was a funny joke. I can’t quite remember what it was now, but I remember finding it very funny.”

“That’s good, Sev,” she nods. She licks her lips, leaning her head back a little. “Are you sure you don’t have a little thing for him?”

“What?” He glared at her, dropping his fork onto the table. “No—that’s—no, I don’t fancy him. See, that’s funny, Lily. You’re very funny.”

Lily just ate her food, looking at him a bit strangely, before Dane, and his friends, actually showed up. 

“Hello Lily,” Pandora says, sitting beside her, as if Lily had invited her to sit down, and Evan, begrudgingly, took the seat beside Severus; as if he had been forced to do so. Barty, Evan, Pandora, Dorcas, and Regulus all took a seat at the table. Plus Dane, who sat on the other side of Lily. “How has your morning been?”

“It’s been ok,” she shrugs. “How has it been for all of you?”

“Could’ve been better,” Pandora muttered. “But Dorcas and Regulus really enjoy punishing us in the mornings by waking us up early, we told them to stop, but …”

“Well,” Regulus starts. “It is good to wake up early. You shouldn’t wake up half an hour before classes start, because you only have that little bit of time. The way I see it is that we’re helping you.”

“That’s funny,” Dane yawns. “Because last time I checked, when people help you, it doesn’t seem like torture. Or at least—it shouldn’t.”

“You’re such an asshole, Dane,” Regulus narrows his eyes towards him. “You should be grateful you have us.”

“I am grateful,” he smiles sarcastically as if he’s going to say something else, “for Dorcas, not so much for you.”

Regulus looks away. 

“I am going to go,” Lily says, again; sometimes she gets overwhelmed by too much social interaction, especially around people she doesn’t know too well. She feels as if she's trying too hard to be likeable, instead of saving her social battery from running out; so she heads off to her first class—Transfiguration. To which she finds her favourite, Remus Lupin, (whom she hasn’t spoken to in almost a month). 

“Is that Lily Evans I see?!” He turns around, as he hears the door open, and McGonagall picks her head up from whatever she’s writing to smile at Lily. “Long time, no see, Evans.”

“Yep,” she grins, as she drops her bag on the chair, sliding into it. She smirks at him, leaning onto the table, as her body is twisted around to face him properly. “I hear a lot has changed.”

“Care to elaborate?” He leaned forward in his fake-posh accent, changing it from Welsh to an English one—he always enjoyed making fun of their supposedly posh accents.

“Sirius Black,” she says. 

“Oh,” Remus looks down, his cheeks altered to a bright pink, and his lips curving into a smile. “Yeah.”

“Yeah?” She repeats after him. “How’d that happen?”

“I—I couldn’t stay angry with him,” he whispers. “I don’t forgive him, because… what he did, I’ll never be able to, but he means more to me than any boy I’ve ever met—it’s like, I wanna choke him, right? But only in a healthy way.”

“Right,” she cringes. “If you can want to choke someone in a healthy way.”

He drops his hands in his lap, “what I mean is, I hate him already, but I hate him more, because I love him so much, and the amount of love I have for him makes the hate seem small.”

Lily frowns, because the way Remus talks about Sirius is one of the most beautiful things she has ever heard—from the way he says he loves him whenever he comes up in a conversation, to the way he almost cries whenever his name is mentioned because, and in Remus’ words, how can a human be so perfect? 

And for years, Lily has watched Remus fall in love with Sirius since Remus was the first person that she became friends with when she got to Hogwarts, and Sirius was the first pureblood boy in the school to stand up to another pureblood for her—she’s watched two boys who have treated her with so much kindness fall in love with each other, and she’s got to say, she doesn’t think she’s ever witnessed something more beautiful than that. 

“What do you think, Professor?” Remus says, raising his voice a bit.

“What do you mean, Remus?” McGonagall stands up from her desk, her dark brown hair tied up in a neat bun, and she doesn’t have her usual-stern expression; she just seems calm. 

“I mean, do you think I should’ve forgiven him?”

She sighs, “yes,” she nods. “What he did… was awful, and sometimes I think about it, and I think, how could he have done that—because it seems out of character for him, and I think that the anger you had toward him was well deserved on his behalf, but I also think he cares about you, a lot. And I don’t want to be biassed, because I am very good friends with Alphard, his uncle, but some students can be a bit—how do I say it—a bit… persistent. Mr Snape and Sirius are both like that, and putting them against each other is something like that asking to happen, which is why neither of them sit anywhere near each other in any of my classes. But all of that being said, I believe that you were right to forgive him, because that is what you wanted to do, right?”

“More than anything,” Remus admits. 

“Then, you’ve done the right thing,” she gives him a short smile, before opening her door to let some of the other students in. Lily squeezes his hand, which sits in his lap, and she kisses his forehead. 

“I love you, Remus,” she murmurs, and she feels her eyes burn. Because she wants to cry. She looks at him, and he’s the most beautiful, perfect human to exist—not in the I want to date you way, but in the you’re my soulmate, in the way I need you in every single life I live , “and I am so happy for you.”

“Thank you, Lils,” he presses his forehead against her head for a few seconds before sitting up. “I think that I will wait a bit longer to say anything about loving him, because I’m not even sure if he does anymore.”

“He loves you, don’t worry, love,” Lily smiles, tucking her hair behind her eyes.

“What about Mary?” He asks. 

“I’m trying to get over it,” she tells him. “I need to.”

“Get over what?” Mary drops her bag near Lily’s feet, taking the seat beside her. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in so long,” Mary hugs her, and Lily doesn’t know what to do, again. 

Who do you want to kiss? Without a moment's hesitation, Mary. Mary. Mary. 

“Yeah,” Lily giggles, avoiding the eyes of Mary, afraid she’ll melt if she dares look properly at her for the first time in so long. Too long; oh, how she wanted to grab Mary by the back of her neck, and kiss her; the way she kissed Emma, just so much more passionate, and filled with so many emotions Lily couldn’t even word properly.

“So it’s your birthday soon!” She nudges Lily the way she always used to. Please don’t, she thinks, I may just do something stupid. “Ok, so I know you say you don’t have a favourite colour because what if colours are actually people in another universe, and brown is like that one colour who never gets picked, whilst all the other colours get the proper amount of attention, while some others are just there, yeah yeah, but if you had to choose one?”

“Erm, what’s your favourite?” she murmurs. “Besides purple obviously.”

“Probably—pink, maybe,” she shrugs, Lily admires her for a moment; you are perfection, she thinks. Perfection. “I know, basic, but pink and purple are the best couples, boys and girls colours can suck it.”

Mary— that beautiful, too kind, too perfect son of a bitch, who Lily wanted to run her hands across a million times to the point she could memorise exactly what her skin feels like in different seasons, at different times. And she wanted to rest her hand below Mary’s ear, and stare at her face till when Lily blinked, she could see Mary, and her flawless features.

Lily laughs, “well then, I like pink.”

Mary grins, altering her gaze down to her hands, which were fiddling with her fingers as they sat in her lap. She blushes, “yeah, ok,” she says. Blushing. Lily’s heart dropped to the pit of her stomach, not in the way it did before when she sat across from Severus, but in a way that was so comforting, she could almost ascend at that moment, staring at Mary, and observing every movement she took, with her goddamned beautiful body.

And Lily wonders how she could’ve ever stayed away from Mary the way she had. 

Angelically beautiful; it stunned Lily, and so fucking addicting that Mary had Lily wrapped around her finger, in ways that drugs could never. 

And for a moment, breaking her own heart didn’t seem as bad as staying away from Mary.