Illicit Affairs

Dorcas Meadowes POV: Part Four

Marlene didn’t even glance at her all day. She tried. She tried to smirk in her direction when she had received praise from the teachers for getting an answer right, but all she did was sit there, continuing to copy down notes, and it made Dorcas furious. 

Who did Marlene think she was? Kissing Dorcas, and then ignoring her like this. Doing this exact thing she’d done weeks ago. But this time it was Marlene—Marlene is the most persistent, infuriating person that was placed on this earth, and Dorcas thought that she hated that about her, but as soon as it disappeared; the smug grins she hadn’t seen all day, Meadowes being hissed from in front of her, she wanted it back. She wanted it so desperately.

When she needed to think, she’d go up to the Astronomy Tower, especially now that her mind was clouded with memories of Marlene so close to her in that exact spot. She closed her eyes, and again, a flashback; of Marlene’s hands running over her body. 

“Thought I’d find you up here,” Dane murmured, as he rested his back against the pole of the tower. “Is there something bothering you?”

“No,” she shakes her head, lying. “Is something bothering you?” 

Something like Evan; his enormous, yet so obvious crush on Evan Rosier—something Dorcas would never understand; how the fuck somebody like Dane had a crush on someone like him especially. She liked it in Marlene; her loud, kind of annoying exterior. But Evan, he wasn’t Marlene. 

“Er, nothing that can actually be fixed,” he half smiles, one corner of his mouth attempting to curve up into a grin, and the other told the truth. But even if he smiled; she was able to see through it. 

“That sucks,” she says, dryly. He laughs. 

“Sure does… C’mon Dorcas, what’s wrong?” He asks again.

“Nothing.”

“Does it have something to do with Marlene?

“Why would it have something to do with her?” She sat up straight, avoiding meeting Dane’s gaze. It had something to do with Marlene—it was always to do with Marlene, and at that moment, it was always going to do with Marlene. He sighed, loudly. And dramatically as he usually does. 

“She couldn’t insult you today,” he says, as if Dorcas didn’t know. “Not that she didn’t insult you, it’s that she couldn’t. I find that quite odd.” 

For a moment, she thought about shouting, saying what would you know. But she knew that he knew it wasn’t nothing. And only he would pick up on something as small as that. She hated him for knowing her so well.

She dropped her head, burying her face in her knees. How could she do this to him? She fell in love with the one person that Dane absolutely hated. She was sure it would hurt less if she fell in love with fucking Evan Rosier. But no, She falls for Marlene. Head over heels, butterflies, dizzy, sickness kind of fall. 

“Did something happen?” He asks, though it wasn’t a question. He knew. He already did. But she supposed it was fair for him to put him through the agony of explaining everything about Marlene. 

“Bit random,” she murmurs, staring at her feet.

“Nah, not really. I kind of knew something was going to happen, to be honest,” he shrugs, the corners of his mouth curving only the tiniest bit that you could only barely see it. 

“We all did,” Regulus confirms, as he and Pandora step up the last step. Dorcas and Dane turn their bodies to face the other two, who welcome themselves down to a seat with them. 

“Barty is coming,” Pandora informs them, curling her hair around one finger. “Just needs to get his boyfriend first.”

“I like Benjy,” Regulus bites his bottom lip. “He’s not too bad, like you know, James Potter bad.”

“Is that who we compare stuff to?” Pandora cringed. 

“It’s a spectrum,” he clarifies. “It goes from you, to James Potter.”

“Where am I on that spectrum?” Dane straightens his back.

“Like… Closer to Potter than you are to Dora.”

Dorcas chuckles, “take it as a compliment, Dane, Reg loooves Potter, but Reg, you are such an asshole.”

“Well… He's obsessing over some guy, and it’s actually quite irritating.”

“Hey!” Dane snaps his head over to him, folding his arms over his chest. “I spent years listening to you yap on about who you fancy, and I never even talk about him.”

“Talk about who?” Evan asks, shortly followed by Barty and Benjy who are staring at each other, laughing at whatever inside joke they’ve made now—a new one being created at least once a week. Or day. They spend that much time around each other, and yet, they haven’t realised their feelings for each other. Or they have, and they’re scared. 

“No one,” Dane says coolly. 

“Oh c’mon McKinnon,” he groans, throwing his head back, as he rests his head in Dane’s lap. “Who is the lucky guy?”

“Rosier, stop being annoying,” Pandora tells him. 

“No, Dane loves me, don’t you, Dane?” He smiles, turning his head up to him. Dorcas brings her knees up to her chest, as she waits for him to answer. 

“Sometimes I don’t,” he says, as he ruffles his hair, messing it up—but Evan isn’t so crazy about his hair. Not like Barty is. “But we know Pettigrew does.”

“Oh yeah,” Pandora laughed. “That shocked me a bit to be honest. Poor Pettigrew.”

“And then Dorcas has Marls, and Reg is obsessed with Potter,” Dane smirks in Regulus’ direction, as if to tease him; as he always does to Regulus. Apparently it was comedy gold to make him angry. 

But Dorcas just grins—she should’ve never doubted him. He winked at her, and she, at the moment, wanted to run up to him, and hug him, using every single muscle in her body; he may not be on good terms with Marlene, but when it comes down to it, he was a good brother, and friend. 

She knew that there was nothing wrong with loving Marlene, but a part of her felt different. But it was that—that confirmation from Dane that made her feel normal again. Less like a traitor.

“I am not obsessed with him.”

“You always find a reason to talk about him.”

“I hate him.”

“And yet?” 

“I hate you, Dane.” 

“You hate me because I’m speaking the truth,” he pokes his tongue out. 

“Yeah, I do, what about it?” 

Dane laughs, and the night is over quickly; too quickly. She was back to the intrusive, and irritating thoughts that ran through her head when she lied in bed late at night. Even later than what it was when she was at the tower. 

She thought about it too much—Marlene, and the fact she barely spoke to her that day, and what was even worse is that she was unable to get her out of her mind. All day. It was just Marlene, and her hands, and her legs, and her arms, and everything else. And suddenly she was just done with Dorcas, after all of that.

She woke up the following day, with only a few hours of sleep. First class was Potions again. Thank Merlin; she’d try talking to Marlene again, and it was even better when she caught Marlene walking back from the quidditch pitch. 

“McKinnon,” Dorcas said immediately once she laid eyes on her, Marlene stopped dead, turning towards her. “Practicing so you can beat me… I hope you know that will never really work.”

“That’s funny, Meadowes, because it’s already happened before,” she says, smirking as she walks past Dorcas, and it was killing her, because she wanted to pull Marlene into a kiss at that exact moment so much to the point it hurt. And Marlene didn’t respond the same way she always used to. “Look, I know you desperately want to beat me, but lying doesn’t make it work.”

“Hmm yeah you’re right, but I’m not lying, so…”

“Yeah, if that’s what you need to tell yourself,” she places her hand softly on her shoulder, winking at Dorcas as Dane did late at night, but this time, it sent butterflies to her stomach, and her body flushed with heat. She swore that the small gesture was in slow motion. She wished it was, so she could replay it. Until the end of time. “See you… Or hopefully not.”

Dorcas realises she’d been standing there, staring into a space as her thoughts took over, “oh yeah, I can’t be put through that again,” she laughs. For the first time around Marlene. She was so nervous she was barely able to speak. 

“Right,” she nods, standing in front of Dorcas. “We have Potions first, you better prepare for that, I’ll smash you in that.”

“You didn’t yesterday.”

“That’s because I didn’t try, I thought, let’s give Meadowes a win, she needs one,” Marlene tilts her head, her hands wrapped around each other, whilst also holding her broom. Dorcas’ eyes slowly dropped to Marlene’s feet; she looked so good in the quidditch uniform, Dorcas was going to fall apart in a minute. 

“Yeah well I didn’t get rejected in the break,” she mumbles.

“Oh, don’t remind me,” she turned her head, dropping her gaze—she saw the embarrassment across Marlene’s face, and the way her cheeks filled with a light pink colour. Dorcas would rather die than make Marlene feel bad ever again. The distance between them for the past few weeks; it made Dorcas want her even more.

And she was beyond gorgeous, too. Her face was close to perfection, Dorcas came to realise as she watched Marlene as if her life depended on it. The way her smile curves up slowly, and dimples grow onto her cheeks as she smiles wider. Her bright blue eyes completed her face in the most flawless way possible. Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas thought, shaking her head. Fuck her. 

“You didn’t get rejected,” she says so quietly, she couldn’t even really hear herself.

“What?”

“Nothing!” She throws her hands up. “I’ll go prepare for Potions. Not because I think you’ll do better than me, because… well you’re you, but I have better things to do than what we’ve been doing here.”

“Yeah, whatever, Meadowes,” Marlene softly places the top of her head onto her broom, whilst she grinned, gazing at Dorcas, and Dorcas could melt. She was. Practically. She rolled her eyes. That had never been a challenge to Dorcas—looking annoyed. But this time, she was too smitten to look genuinely pissed off.

She walks past quickly, only turning around when she was a few metres away from her. And she saw Marlene standing there, as she strolled backwards, watching her. The way she stood, gazing at the floor, her god damned, beautiful smile that only someone like Marlene had. 

Dorcas feels a body against hers, quickly turning around. She stands above Dorcas, a bag resting on her arm; she towered over her, despite being in the same year as her. Florence Greengrass—another Slytherin; the sister of Anthony Greengrass.

They’re one of the oldest pureblood families, but they remain one of the best ones, too—unlike the Black family, who are known as blood supremacists, and people who cut house elves head off, they believe in the equality between blood purity, and muggle borns, and she couldn’t lie; she kind of adored that. 

Dorcas’ family wasn’t crazy on blood purity, but no way in hell were they going to ever allow her to marry a girl, or somebody who wasn’t pureblood; in her mother’s words, it’s about protecting yourself, and keeping the family name strong—which was nerve wracking, because they’ve been able to do so perfectly find for the last hundreds of years. 

“Hello Florence,” Dorcas smiles at the taller, blonde girl, who grins back in return. “I’m so sorry about that, I was just looking the wrong way, I should’ve been looking at where I was going.”

“No, it’s alright,” she shakes her head quickly. “I was looking at my book, so… partly my fault, too,” she picks up her hands, waving them around a bit. After Dorcas stares for a moment, dropping the stare to the girls’ feet, Florence drops her hands onto her waist, awkwardly. “Are you heading to Potions now as well?” 

“Oh yeah,” she says, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’m trying to beat McKinnon there, because we’ve had this thing ever since we were twelve where we just compete with each other all the time. I remember, also, when we were nine, my best friend, Dane, challenged us all to a dance battle, and McKinnon, his sister, danced with their younger brother, Jamie, whilst Dane and I made a dance, it kind of…  sorry, I don’t know why I’m saying all of this, you probably don’t even care.”

“No,” she denies. “No, it’s a lovely story.”

“Look, it’s so very kind of you to listen to that, erm… story, I suppose is what you could call it, but it’s alright.”

“No,” she repeats. “I’ve always been more of a listener in my life, rather than a talker. I have an older brother, who loves talking, so I’m just used to that.”

“Oh,” Dorcas bites her bottom lip, holding back a smile. “I had a brother, he was,” my best friend, “he was a lot older than me, but he went to Hogwarts. His name was Damian.”

“That’s nice,” she murmurs, softly. So softly Dorcas could sink to the floor, and sleep right there. It was so soothing. So beautiful. But even being in front of someone else, it was Marlene. It was always going to be Marlene, no matter how much she despised the thought of being in love with Marlene for the rest of the time she wasn’t able to stop. Why couldn’t she go back to hating her?

“Yeah, I haven’t spoken to him in years, though,” she adds. Although, after a few moments of silence between them, she had realised how awkward that was. “But you know, I have my whole friend group now. So I suppose that is a plus.” 

“Yeah,” she says, finally answering. “Yeah, that is very good. I don’t have many friends,” she chuckles. “Everyone is in love with my brother, so everybody tries to be friends with me to get to him all the time, quite irritating to be honest.”

Dorcas laughs, whilst feeling awful for Florence. No one deserves that.

“Here we are,” she gestures to the classroom, “but erm, you know, my friend group—we may be Slytherins, but we don’t use people.”

“Oh,” she grins.

“If you ever get lonely,” Dorcas bites her lip, nervously, seeing Marlene approaching with her group of friends. “Come be lonely with us.”

“Oh,” she repeats, as her grin widens. “Thank you—thank you so much, I will, thank you.”

Dorcas steps aside so Florence could step in first. She glances at Dorcas, before walking off to find her seat, finding Dane saving the seat for her. “Hello love.”

“Hi mate.”

“Eugh, don’t be one of those,” she gagged, whilst he rolled his eyes. 

“I was trying something out,” he grunted, staring at his hands, to which he was fiddling with his fingers.

“Ok, I said don’t be one of those, but what I meant was, don’t be like Evan.”

“Sometimes we wonder why we’re friends with you, Pandora and Regulus,” he said.

“Because you’re secretly an asshole like us,” she winked, smiling as she leaned closer to him. “Except Evan and Barty aren’t really trying to hide that, but I have a hard time believing that there’s even one evil bone in Benjy’s body.”

“Yeah, me too,” he agrees, tilting his head. “He’s too good for Barty.”

“Love works in mysterious ways, darling,” she smiles smugly, straightening her back up. “Plus love isn’t about who deserves who. It’s love—it doesn’t discriminate.”

And she knows that, because every single one of the McKinnons, besides Marlene, has supposedly loved her, and she could live a million lifetimes, but she would never once deserve any of them.

No words will ever express how much she adores the McKinnons—Jamie, the beautiful, little asshole, only thirteen years old, and yet he shared the smart trait of Marlene and Dane. And them. Those perfect assholes—completely different. In the best way she could ever imagine. Micheal—the funny older brother, who always had a way to cheer Dorcas up after an argument with her parents. She saw him as the older brother whom had disappeared once upon a time. And their father, and step mother; she saw him more as a father than she’d ever seen anybody before. She loved that family, and she would never tire of saying so. 

“Yes it does,” he sinks. “Eugh, fuck love.”

“Fuck love,” she nods. “I love you, though.”

“Oh yeah, of course,” he throws his hand, dropping them into his lap, scoffing. “I love you, Dorcas.”

“Aw, you’re so lucky.”

“Really?” He cringed. “More unlucky than lucky, to be honest.”

“You’re an asshole,” she nudges him. “I should’ve been friends with Marlene when I had the chance.”

“Yeah,” he pouts, resting his cheek on his hands, “though, I don’t think you’d like to be just friends with her.”

She scoffs; no one has ever known her better than him. Because she didn’t want to be just friends with Marlene. But she wouldn’t be able to be her girlfriend either—her family would rather let her die than let her love who she loves. 

“What? You’re lucky a female me exists, because you’re a lesbian and all.”

“Oh yes, that’s exactly why I’m in love with your sister, because she’s a female you,” she rolls her eyes, putting air quotes around her last words. He shrugged, with a grin on his face. He glances at her. “Suppose you should try and find a male me then.”

“Suppose I should,” he agreed. “But I think Evan is the closest I’ll get.”

She snapped her head over to him, glaring, “you knob, that is such an insult.”

“Well I think I’m in love with him, so… I don’t think it’s an insult.”

“I’m sorry,” she frowns. “You deserve someone who will give you no less than the world.”

“It’s fine.”

But it wasn’t. She knew because she saw the way he broke whenever he thought about Evan, and the fact his love for him was unrequited. She knew from the way he loved people with every single part of him, but for some reason, no one ever loved him the way he would love them. And he was the one who deserved it the most. 

Dorcas wanted someone to love him—she wanted someone to be absolutely, irretrievably in love with him; they were unable to put it into words. Because he deserved no less than that. 

It’s a shame. 

It’s always the people who deserve love the most who never end up finding it. 

“C’mon Moony!” James swung his arm around Remus, as Dorcas and Dane turned around to face them. They were all smiling; Sirius, Peter, James, Marlene and Mary—except Mary looked distracted, as if she was looking for somebody. Again. 

“Yeah, c’mon Moony,” Sirius got up closer to him, walking backwards, backing up into a seat. “You’re the best friend, you have to help us.”

“Eugh,” he groans, throwing his head back, as James and Peter take the seats behind the other two boys. “Fine.”

Dorcas had to admit, she was quite curious about what they were talking about. Or to see what Marlene was smiling so widely about. So she could be the person who makes Marlene’s eyes crease, and the person who makes her so happy she was unable to hold back it back.

But Dorcas was the one staring, and Marlene was the one who didn’t even glance at her as she walked into the room, taking a seat right in front of her. 

She shot a glare toward Dane, as he leaned forward, as if about to tap them on the shoulder. She sat awkwardly, her hands in her lap, and stared at them. 

“Hey Marls,” Dane leaned forward, smiling. “Could we switch? I forgot my glasses in my dormitory, and I can’t run back now… so?”

“I don’t know why you don’t just use a spell to fix it,” she grunts, her body twisted around to face him. 

“Well—erm, because—it’s good to be natural—and… stuff.”

“Eugh, fine,” she says, as Remus did a couple of minutes ago. Dorcas wasn’t glaring anymore; she kind of wanted to kiss Dane on the lips if she was being honest. Or really, she wanted to kiss Marlene. “Meadowes,” she addressed her. 

“McKinnon,” she says, a little too much happiness showing in her voice. But she was unable to deny it. If she was able to jump with joy, she would. Because Marlene was close,  and that was the only thing Dorcas wanted for the rest of her time on Earth. “So I beat you to Potions.”

“Yeah, well, you’ll need a win after today,” she says, staring at her paper, but Dorcas felt as if she could hear the grin through her words—maybe she was imagining it, because she wanted that to be the case. She wanted Marlene to be as happy as she was when talking to each other. 

“Don’t kid yourself,” Dorcas is looking at her parchment, too, now, staring down at it for no reason. She really wanted to stare at Marlene until she could memorise how often Marlene blinked, every facial expression she makes, and why she makes those expressions, and most of all, every single freckle on her face, the positions of them—she just wanted to memorise Marlene; if she hadn’t done that enough already. 

“Hey, that’s some useful advice,” She smiles, surprisingly enthusiastic. “If you were talking to yourself.”

She grins, “oh yeah, I thought the world was finally ending for a moment there, you being tolerable.”

“What are you doing on the thirtieth of this month?” Marlene asks, suddenly. “It’s going to be Friday, and also Lily’s birthday, maybe you should come—I know it's about twenty days away, but you know, it’s good to prepare and stuff. Plus, it’s the big sixteen, so we want to make it big, so—“

“Yeah, sure,” she shrugs, attempting to keep cool, despite cutting her off mid-sentence. Marlene invited her to a party. Marlene invited her to a party. MarleneMcKinnon invited her to a fucking party. “What are you going to do for your birthday? Are you and Dane going to have a joint party? Or?”

“I like that idea,” Mary turned around. “Dane,” she slapped his arm, and he swung it away from her, glaring at her, as he dramatically acted as if he was wounded terribly.

“It’s on the fourteenth of February, can you please calm down for a moment?”

“Well somebody will definitely have a party then, Valentine's Day and all.”

“What do you mean? Everyone’s going to throw a party on that date, because the superior person was born on that day, and her twin,” Marlene smiled, flicking the hair off her shoulder. Marlene, Marlene, Marlene—let Dorcas die right now, so her last memory can be seeing Marlene McKinnon do her smirk, along with finishing another one of her arrogant, yet weirdly attractive sentences. 

“His twin,” Dane corrects, as if he was the superior person she was talking about, and they were at peace. For the first time. Marlene and Dane had shared eye contact, and they were themselves again—not fully, it wasn’t as if they had let go of all of it, but it was peaceful, they had let each other just be happy. 

“Mhm,” Marlene smirks. “Now I know where Meadowes gets her delusions from.”

“Lucky her.”

“Dane,” Dorcas smiles. “That’s not something to brag about.”

“I’m not bragging, I’m embracing it.”

“Don’t.”

Marlene laughs. Dorcas melts. 

A never ending cycle—a cycle where Marlene will breathe, and Dorcas falls deeper, and deeper, and deeper, where it feels as if she’s being hypnotised. As if she’s ascending, whilst her head feels heavy, and fuzzy, and her knees sweat, and feel so weak. 

A never ending cycle.