Betty
Mary Macdonald POV: Part Four
Mary could confirm that it felt nice waking up in Hogwarts once again. Opening her eyes, and seeing nothing other than the scarlet curtains around her bed. Waking up, and knowing that Lily had been one bed away from her the night before. Waking up beside her best friends for the first time in two weeks.
She decided she was going to scare Lily, rip her curtain open, and wake her up. Lily liked waking up early, Mary knew this, but she also liked sleeping in as long as she possibly could, too, which is why Mary was the one who often woke her up in the mornings.
But as she slid her own curtain open, she was shocked that Lily was already gone; her bed was made, and her curtains opened. She scrunched her eyebrows, biting her bottom lip. She hoped Lily had gone to bed eventually. She didn’t see her after she ran off, then didn’t until after dinner, and then finally all night.
She gets changed, hoping to find Lily down in the common room, probably studying. Because only Lily Evans would open a book on the first morning back, before school even started. Another reason Mary probably fell head over heels for that dork.
She leans over onto the cabinet, her hands placed in front of her hips, and she just breathes—taking a moment to take all of it in; the fact Lily wasn’t there when she woke up, the fact she knows she’s going to face Mulciber, and Snapev, and all of the other people she needed a break from. But not only a break, she never wanted to face them again.
She closes her eyes, rubbing them, feeling as if she wanted to scream. She wanted to let out all of it. She wanted to rip her hair out, drop to her knees, and scream until her voice could no longer take it; she just wanted to let all of this pain out. And she couldn’t. Why couldn’t she?
“Hey Mare,” Marlene opens the door, dropping her broom beside the bed. Mary didn’t answer, she continued standing with her hands covering her eyes. It was the only way she was able to hold it in. “Mary?”
“Mhm,” she murmured, her voice shaky.
“Are you alright?” Marlene asked, pulling her shirt over her head, putting another one on. Mary, again, didn’t say anything, fearing that she would fall apart. “What’s wrong?” She asked, as if she could read Mary’s mind. And she wished deeply that Marlene wasn’t able to. Because she’s afraid that she would leave her if she heard every thought that ran through her head in a day.
“I—I… don’t know,” she whispers, as she rests her back against the wall, sliding down it. “Sorry, I don’t want to like—cry, or anything.”
“Do you feel like crying?” Marlene says, dropping beside Mary.
“Yes,” she said, honestly and earnestly, for the first time in a while.
“Then cry.”
“No, because—if I start, I don’t know if I’ll be unable to stop crying,” she clenches her jaw, using every single muscle she has in her face to stop her tears.
She has been for ages. She’s held back her tears; she can’t be weak. She can’t be more of a burden than she already has been to her father. To her mother who continues to put up with her, and is her best friend. She won’t do that to Marlene.
“It’ll stop,” Marlene whispers, cradling Mary’s head close to her chest. “Sometimes, we need to cry until there’s no tears left. That doesn’t make you weak, Mary, it makes you human.”
It seemed for the first time in her life, she’d had this true confirmation that she was allowed to cry. She was allowed to hang her head low some days. She was allowed to be a fucking human.
“I—Marlene?” She whispers.
“Mary?”
Fuck it, Mary says in her head.
“I—I’m queer,” she tells Marlene, as the tears stream down her cheeks. “Not fully queer. But I know I am. The person I kissed—that was a girl. That was Darcy. I’m queer. And—I still like boys, but I think—I think that I like girls more.”
“Ok,” Marlene nods, resting her head on her shoulder, as she grins softly. “I’m happy you figured that out for yourself, Mary, I'm so proud of you. I hope you know that.”
Mary felt a sort of release throughout her body. She felt normal for once; she felt as if Marlene was looking at her, not in a way that was different. She’s been looking at her in the way she has the entire time they’ve known each other, and finally, she feels normal again. As if this was no longer chewing at her the way it did.
“Thank… you, Marls,” she buries her face in her knees, sobbing. She lets herself do so, as Marlene stretches her arm around her again, pulling her closer.
“Of course,” she smiles. “Y’know, when I realised at ten years old that I’d rather be with a woman than a man any day, I was terrified, and kind of lost, ten. And I never had this confirmation that I was a normal human being, going through a normal human experience—which was love—no one was there for me at a time I was struggling; a time that I wanted to just… die, I guess. I think I’d do anything to make sure someone else doesn’t have to. Especially you.”
Mary shuffles away from Marlene, before wrapping her arms around her.
“Now,” Marlene says, as they separate from the hug. “Let’s go down to breakfast—I’m starving, and co-captain James Potter is working co-captain Marlene McKinnon too hard, McKinnon may just hit a bludger at him.”
“It’s weird how you talk in third person,” Mary teasingly smiles at her, wiping the tears below her cheeks.
“It’s weird how you don’t,” Marlene snaps, crossing her arms over her chest. Mary widens her eyes, sitting on her hip as she stares at her. Marlene’s face settles into a tired frown, rubbing her hands down her face. “Sorry, Dorcas—I haven’t spoken to her in a while, so I’m basically trying to do anything to sort of… feel what I did… with her.”
“You’re not getting that from me,” she laughs, squeezing past Marlene to get across the room, inching closer to the door. “Communication is key, my love.”
“Eugh,” Marlene groans, throwing her head back. “Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with you instead?”
“Because—you and Dorcas are the perfect couple—polar opposites, perfect pairing, soulmates,” Mary turns the doorknob, motioning for Marlene to go out. She follows as Marlene listens to her.
“So maybe you and Lily should get together then,” she chuckles.
“What?” Mary’s mouth falls open, as she attempts to hide her face from Marlene, hoping she wouldn’t see the heat filling her cheeks at that moment. “No, that’s ridiculous, Marls—erm, see you later, bye,” she slammed the door shut, rushing down the stairs, ensuring that Marlene wouldn’t catch her.
A few minutes of walking, and she was walking past the Hufflepuff common room; after a few years of being at Hogwarts is that you never really get used to all of it. Sometimes she takes a wrong turn, and doesn’t even realise it. She scratches the back of her neck, turning around to see if anyone was behind her—she often did that now.
“Hey Mary!” Someone called out, and she snapped her head quickly to see Emmeline Vance standing in front of her. She always had that same smile, and her dark hair fell elegantly over her shoulders.
“Oh, Emmeline,” she sighed, relieved to see her. “How are you?”
“Shit,” she decides. “Eugh, I barely got any sleep last night, and! And Amelia—you know Amelia Bones—she snores. All—the—time. I’m not saying that to embarrass her. It’s just I got almost no sleep.”
“You could’ve put a charm around your bed,” Mary shrugs—Emmeline was always honest. So honest, it was so odd how she felt so comfortable sharing her entire life with everybody around her. Mary wished she had that sort of confidence, not the fake kind. “Or hers.”
“Oh,” she grunts, rolling her eyes, as if she wished she’d thought of that. “Yeah. True. How are you, then?”
“M’ok,” Mary grins. “I’m glad to be back though. Back here.”
“Yeah, that's understandable,” Emmeline nods. “I’ve been here all break, I went to the Christmas party with Dane.”
“Ooo,” Mary chimed. “Did you?”
“Yeah,” her gaze drops to her feet, as they walk beside each other. “It was fun, actually. He’s pretty funny.”
“I know,” she agrees, nodding her head. “I stayed over at Marlene’s house a few summers, and when they were still friends, he made us laugh so much. So… Do you fancy him?”
“ Oh ,” she sort of laughs—the way Marlene would laugh when people would think she and James were a couple, despite Marlene McKinnon being the biggest lesbian anybody would come across. But of course, that never crossed their mind. “Nah, we’re good friends though.”
“Right,” Mary folds her arms over her chest. She smirked. “Why did you say it like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like it’s impossible?”
“Because it is impossible,” she says, cringing slightly as if it was more than obvious.
“Hmm, but men and women can never truly be platonic,” Mary shrugs, but she was lying—she knew they could be, she just had a very small feeling about Emmeline. But if she truly wasn’t ready, Mary would stop.
“Unless the woman likes a woman, or the man likes men,” Emmeline snaps. “Which is—erm—who I am.”
“Amelia?” Mary realises, whispering quietly. Emmeline cringed for a moment, before glancing at her, and crossing her arms over her chest.
She throws her head back, “please don’t say anything to her.”
“I would never do that,” Mary shakes her head quickly. “I’d never—“
“Never do what?” Amelia catches up to them, panting. Her red locks fell over her shoulders, braiding into two plaits. She smiles, and it reminded Mary of Lily.
Lily, and that smile. One that nobody could replace. Mary could see billions of smiles, every single person that lived on this planet, and not a single one of them could make her feel the way Lily’s one did.
It was the feeling where, as Mary stared at her, she would feel a million things at once. Not a single one of those feelings felt painful. Because as she would stand beside her, despite the feelings being unrequited, she would feel happiness. Nothing else, but plain happiness.
The kind of happiness that was so high, it felt as if she could conquer the world, and Mary’s mother told her how rare that feeling was. And she knew it; she knew how rare that was.
She would never fall in love with anybody ever again, until she found Lily.
She could live a million different lives, and her heart, her soul, her everything would belong to Lily.
“Nothing,” Emmeline says abruptly, her cheeks turned into a light pink as she said these words. Mary lifted her hand to the back of her neck, her eyes altering to the floor.
“Alright,” Amelia said, suspiciously. She glanced at Mary, turning back to Emmeline. She grinned. “How are you feeling?”
“I could feel better,” she bit her bottom lip. “If you didn’t snore all the fucking time.”
“I told you I need to get my tonsils removed!” Amelia threw her hands up. “I can’t control it.”
“Here, let me do it,” Emmeline picked up her wand, before Amelia slapped it out of her hand. They smiled at Mary, before they walked off.
“I know how much you love your sleep, but…” was all Mary heard before they were out of earshot. She began walking, hoping to see Lily in the Great Hall, before their classes. But also just hoping to see her again. She didn’t get to talk to her much yesterday.
She sighed, before walking into the Great Hall, her eyes darting over to Mulciber, and his group. Immediately. Anxiety rushed over her body. Lily wasn’t in sight. Mary rushed over to the only four boys she felt safest with, James, Sirius, Peter and Remus; Remus sat there for the first time.
He was reading a book that he held open with one hand, whilst the other held toast up to his hand.
“Hello boys,” she smiled, as she rested her chin on her hand. “Morning.”
“Eugh, morning,” Peter said, his head dropping to the table. “I’m so tired.”
“If you came into bed early, you might not be,” Sirius mumbled.
“Yeah, where were you, Wormy?” James smirked, leaning on the table, so that he could see Peter’s face properly from beside him.
“None of your business, Potter,” Peter glared; not angrily, just the usual way someone would if they were keeping a secret.
“Our dear, sweet, innocent Peter Wormtail Pettigrew is keeping secrets from us,” Sirius said, hand placed over his chest. “What did we do wrong, James? Could we have done something better?”
“No idea, my love,” James acted sad, wiping an imaginary tear from his cheek. He turned to Peter, grabbing softly onto his arm. “What did we do wrong?”
“Acting as if you’re my actual parents,” he shook James’ arm off.
Sirius gasped, “just because we aren’t your birth parents doesn’t mean we aren’t your actual parents.”
“Yes, Peter, we know you’re angry, but you took it too far this time,” James shakes his head, his ear resting on his hand, and his head tilted. Peter smiles.
“You’re both nutters.”
“I’m starting to regret sitting here,” Remus cringed, but Mary had never seen him so happy. His back was straightened, instead of slouched. His eyes were open, instead half closed. And above all, he looked almost full. There was a part missing, but most of Remus Lupin was there. He was just waiting for his star.
“You and me both, Moony,” Peter says, smiling. “But I’m happy you’re here, I can’t be with these two twenty four hours of the day, and not have you here, too. My suffering is your suffering.”
“Lovely,” he sticks the bookmark in his book, before closing it.
“I’m happy you’re here, too, Moony,” Sirius says, his hands resting in his lap—Sirius was the opposite of Remus. When he was happy, he would sit less straight, and obnoxious. His body would basically sink into itself, because that’s how he felt when he was near Remus—Sirius told Marlene and Mary how he felt.
Remus glanced at Sirius, looking down as a grin grew onto his face, “yeah whatever, Sirius.”
“So, who is this mystery person you’ve been snogging,” James said, as he managed to remove his eyes from Sirius and Remus. “Or people. You’ve been gone a lot lately, could our precious Wormy possibly be a slag?”
“Don’t call him a slag,” Mary glared. “He’s allowed to sleep with whoever he likes. He’s sixteen, he’s basically an adult.”
“I wasn’t shaming him, I was praising him,” James placed his hand on the back of Peter. “Good on you, mate.”
“You are all such dorks,” Mary gapes. “I always wonder how you manage to be one of the most popular guys in the school.”
“He gets it from his fit mum,” Marlene sits beside Peter, as she winks at her from across the table.
“Please don’t call my mum fit,” James drops his face in his hands.
“You told me not to lie either,” Marlene says. “So which one is it, Potter?”
“A little lie never hurt anyone!” Sirius throws his arms up, exclaiming these words.
“Yes!” Peter says, smiling.
“Except you, Pete, you’re not allowed,” James nudges. “And Sirius, love you, mate, but let’s not tell people to lie. Mum says it’s not ok.”
“And we must always listen to the hot mother,” Marlene states.
“Marls, no,” James groans.
“Let me live,” she sighs. “I have major mummy issues—remember, my real mum left when I was two, and left me with my dad, and now I have a step-mum.”
“You’ll never let me forget,” he rubs his forehead. “Just because you become obsessed with every older woman who steps in two centimetres of you, doesn’t mean we all do.”
“I do,” Marlene and Sirius say, in unison.
“And I’m queer, so that says a lot,” Sirius adds, looking at Remus.
“I feel like I should run,” Mary says.
“Probably,” Peter shrugs. “But we’re still here, so therefore, you have to stay.”
“Pete,” James says.
“Prongs,” Peter says back.
“Who—“
“No,” Peter stands up. “I’m going to go for a walk, get away from you nosy arseholes.”
“Bold of you to assume I’m not going to come after you,” James told him, smiling.
“And I’ll follow James,” Sirius declares, jumping from his chair. “I’ll follow him forever,” he says, dramatically slapping his hand to his chest. Marlene rolls her eyes, watching them with a smile on her face.
“And I’ll follow you,” he tilted his head, pouting as a joke. Mary and Marlene turned to each other, smiling. “Oh Pete is walking away, let’s go.”
“Which means I’ll have to go,” Remus mumbles.
“Yeah, Remus, have you seen Lily?” Mary asks, her chin resting on her hand.
“Erm, I don’t think so,” he shrugs, as he reluctantly pushes himself up from the table. He waves to them. “I’ll see you both in Potions, fuck me,” he groans, finally walking off. Mary licks her lip, before biting her bottom one.
“Have you seen Lily?” She snaps her body over to face Marlene.
“I saw her when she was sleeping before I left for the pitch, but that was really early, you know James, he’s a psycho, but she wasn’t there when I got back, because y’know that’s when I found you in there.”
“Oh,” she looks down at her hands. “Do—do you think she was trying to get away from me? Did I do anything wrong?”
“No!” Marlene says. “No, I’m sure you didn’t. I’m sure she’s not trying to get away from you, you’re like one of her best friends.”
“I dunno…”
“I promise, she still absolutely adores you, we’ll find her eventually.”
Mary nods, scratching the back of her neck. She didn’t believe Marlene. For the first time since the first time she met her—she always trusted her. Hell, she’d trust her with her life, but today, it felt different.
“But anyways!” Marlene smiled. “Darcy? I’m going to have to say I’m surprised, I wouldn't have expected that.”
“Me neither, to be honest,” Mary answered dryly.
“It’s Lily’s birthday soon,” Marlene added, and Mary knew she was attempting to start a conversation with her, but even thinking about Lily being angry with her made her want the Earth to swallow her so she wouldn’t have to feel this.
“I know, Marls,” she mumbled.
“We can plan a party for her,” she said. “Big sixteen… right?”
“Yeah,” Mary lifted her head, picking up her gaze from the uneaten food on her plate. “Yes, we can plan her birthday! That’s genius Marls!”
“Yeah, well… is that really surprising, though?” Marlene smirked, as she stared behind Mary. Probably where Dorcas was sitting.
“Of course, that is always surprising, McKinnon,” Dorcas says from behind Mary, who feels herself jump slightly when she hears her. She turns around to find their entire group standing up, and finishing up their breakfast.
“Hey Dorcas,” Mary nods, when Marlene gazes in awe at Dorcas, so surprised and amazed that she didn’t ignore that day. Mary didn’t know if she felt happy for her, or just really embarrassed that she had to watch her best friend pine over someone so obviously.
“Hey,” she replies.
“What a wonderful morning this one is,” Pandora rolls her eyes, jumping up from the table. Regulus shook his hand, as if to agree with her, as he stood up. He acknowledges them before walking off—Mary cringed.
“Marlene,” Dane glared. “You look tired.”
“Oh charming, aren’t you?” She shoots at him. “You’re a dickhead.”
“Well—isn’t this a good interaction we’re having?” Evan placed his hand on Dane’s shoulder, for him to quickly drop his gaze to the floor, as if to hide his face. “Macdonald, McKinnon,” he nods. “You know what I find absolutely hilarious, that both of your name’s start with M, like your last and your first, and you’re like besties.”
“Wow, Rosier,” Pandora drawled. “I bet, in their five years of friendship, they did not once notice that at all. You’re a cunt.”
“ You’re a cunt,” he says. “Now, remind me again, Lestrange, or shall I call you, inbred, incest cunt.”
“No, I don’t know if you knew this, my name is Pandora,” she narrows her eyes at him. “People usually call people their names—I apologise if that’s a little difficult to get through your thick skull.”
“Ok!” Mary threw her arms up. “As much as I love this—erm—thing we’ve got going, I’m going to—erm—go to class. Marlene really hates being late.”
“Really?” Dane tilts his head, as if he was thinking. “She was born three days later than she was supposed to be.”
“You were born three days later than you were supposed to be,” she drops her fork on her plate. Mary was actually pretty grateful she let go, afraid of what Marlene was capable of. “Now, Mary’s right, we are going,” she stops, and nods. “Meadowes—I can’t find an insult. Ok, now, we’re off,” she storms off. Mary notices the slight blush of Dorcas’ cheeks.
“Bye, have a good first day,” Mary says, picking up her hand, and waving to them before running after Marlene. “Wow, someone has a crush.”
“Yeah, I know, I’ve said it a million times, I fancy Dorcas Meadowes—“ She waved her arms around in the air, rolling her eyes sarcastically.
“I was talking about her ,” she mumbled. “She likes you.”
“No she doesn’t,” she shakes her head. “It’s been a few weeks, Mare, and she hates me, we live and we learn, so I’m over it and I’m a free woman!”
“I—erm,” Mary sort of tilts her head, before opening her mouth, and closing it again. She squints her eyes, biting her bottom lip. “Ok… then.”
“Anyways, Lily’s birthday,” Marlene grins. Too fake. Marlene’s smile was fake when it’s too big. When it doesn’t give off the same Marlene vibe that it usually does. It sounds ridiculous to Mary, but she knows when her best friend is faking something. “We’ll have a party in the common room, and I have a few people who can nick some alcoholic drinks.”
“James, Pete and Sirius?”
“Mostly Pete,” Marlene shrugs. “That boy is like a rat, he can nick anything.”
“He’s not like a rat, he is one, y’know those boys and their voodoo animal crap.”
“Yeah well, Pete’ll get it for us,” Marlene tells her. “And Remus will help with the decorations, and Sirius will do anything for Remus, so…”
“Oh yeah, it’s quite entertaining to watch actually.”
It was entertaining. The way Sirius would follow around Remus that morning, and day. And how he’d smile whenever Remus would ever remotely look in his direction, and he’d wave from across the room.
Remus would roll his eyes, and drop his gaze to his book to hide the smile from Sirius, because God forbid letting Sirius feel the slightest bit of satisfaction. He would see the disappointment of Sirius when he ran out of ink, and he’d do a spell to refill it when Sirius looked away—a spell that Sirius didn’t know.
It was like watching a movie. A really long, slow burn movie, but Mary would watch it till the very end. Or she hoped. Of course, they would grow old together though. Mary knew that. Because there’s no way James Potter will not get them back together eventually.
As much as she hated herself for it, she couldn’t help but feel as if she wanted to scream when she watched them. She wanted to scream for them to get together, because they should be happy that they actually have mutual feelings. She wanted to scream because they both loved and adored each other so much, and wouldn’t say a word, even though neither of them would get let down.
But most of all, she wanted to scream for them to appreciate each other, because she was unable to kiss Lily. She was unable to spill her secrets out to Lily, because now, one of her secrets was her feelings for Lily Evans.
Her strong, painful feelings that she had for her. That she only just realised, and that she would have to live with for the rest of her life hiding. Because the world would never allow her to love Lily Evans, no matter how real it is.
But Mary would let the world crucify her just so she could let Lily know she was loved by her.
She would live without love just so Lily could love with every single ounce of live the world had to offer, and more.
Which is why, when she found Lily sitting beside Snape that day, when she saw her any other, she would watch.