Illicit Affairs

Marlene McKinnon POV: Part Four

Christmas. It sucked. 

Marlene used to love Christmas. That’s when she had a family to celebrate it with. And she still had family—Lily. Mary. Remus. Benjy. But it was different now.

She used to spend every Christmas in front of the fireplace with her brother—who has always been her best friend until recently. They would talk about everything, whilst Dorcas shot glares towards Marlene from across the room. Marlene would poke her tongue at her in return. 

“I think I love him,” Sirius lied on his back on the couch. She’d never told anybody, but they’d stay up late, enjoying shit talking about everybody at Hogwarts. “I’ve never loved anyone, Marls. And he fucking hates me.”

“You’ve never loved anyone?” She leans forward, listening to him.

“Yeah, but I just happened to fall in love with the werewolf.”

“Watch it,” she glares, nudging his arm softly. “Is that why you did that? Told Snape how to get in?”

“I—I wanted to push him away. And I did that knowing he would absolutely despise me, and I succeeded, and I’m exactly like the rest of my family,” his voice lowered to an almost-whisper. She stood up.

“Sirius,” she said. “You are nothing like them, don’t you ever say that again.”

“I look exactly like my mother,” he states. 

“So does your dad,” she smiles, waiting for his reaction. 

“I hate you,” he grunts from behind his hands, turning over to his stomach. “You’re a proper bitch.”

“I know,” she grins, resting her chin in the palms of her hand. They both settle. “But Sirius—I look exactly like my brother. We’re twins. And we are so different. And he’s not even a bad person either, and yet, we’re still polar opposites. Family doesn’t define who we are. James loves you, Pete adores you, and Remus really did love you, too.”

“He did.”

“Well even if he did, he still did at some point,” she shrugs her shoulders. She knew how Remus felt about Sirius. He loved him, just as much as Sirius loved him, but she was the one who said to make Sirius’ life a living hell, and she wasn’t going to betray Remus now. 

“Do you really think he doesn’t anymore?” 

She saw from the corner of her eye how small he looked. Or she could see how small he felt. She wished she could save him from it. But she wasn’t the person he wanted to save him. Till the end of time, Sirius wants Remus to be the person who saves him; the person he falls into; the person he falls in love with in every life.

“Do you think he doesn’t?” She asks. And she knows. The way his eyes shut, and he takes a deep breath. 

“I don’t think he’s stopped,” he shakes his head. “We had something before. I know we did. Because I know him.”

“Everybody knew, Sirius,” she murmurs. “Everybody knew because you didn’t shut up about your love for him. And you did stop. You stopped jumping in the middle of the common room, telling him how much you loved him. You stopped telling him why you loved him. And you stopped telling him that you don’t love him despite those things, you love him because of those things. You were his world. And it ended.”

He was silent for a moment, staring into a space as if he needed to really take in those words. Marlene sighed, dropping her head onto the couch—she knew why he had to stop. Because she did, too. She needed to stop to think about Dorcas. 

She needed to say this to realise how much she really loved Dorcas. She’d never really properly realised it before. But she would do anything to shout her love from the rooftops, and she would do anything to prove to Dorcas that she loved her. She would risk her life to make sure that Dorcas knew that Marlene loved her, in this lifetime.

She wouldn’t wait for the next lifetime, or the one after that one. She would say it in this one; so she can die a happy woman, knowing that Dorcas knew she was loved by her.

“Marls, you fucking genius, lad,” he sighed. “Do you know how perfect that was? You’re like—like my best friend. Next to James. James comes first, obviously. But you. You could compete with him if you really did try.”

“Thanks mate,” she nods. “Means a lot—if it helps, you’re the only man I would kiss if I had to…Nevermind, I would off myself if that happened. Romantically. But in a friendship way, I definitely would.”

“I might cry,” he tilted his head. “A compliment from my sarcastic, bitchy lesbian friend.”

“Oh shut up, sarcastic, bitchy gay friend,” she rolled her eyes, turning away from him. “You know, I think all my friends are gay.”

“Random.”

“It’s not. We’re all just queer, and we’re like flies that all just swarmed too each other. How fucking weird is that?” She held her hands up, as she felt as if she’s never been so surprised, and fascinated by something in her life. 

“I’m scared when you get high for the first time,” Sirius scratched the back of his neck, sitting up. 

“Eugh,” she grabs a pillow, smacking it to her face, groaning into it.

“Marls?”

“What?!” She snaps her head over to him.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m in love with Dorcas,” she says. And she realised it’s the first time she’s said it aloud. She knows she admitted it to some people. But she’s also understated how much she did. It’s not a secret anymore. “And she hates me.”

“Join the club,” he falls back. “But what d’you mean? You two have been flirting for years, like the competitive type

flirting, y’know?”

“No,” she shakes her head. “No, she told me she hated me. Or she didn’t like me.”

“She doesn’t like you, because she loooves you.”

“Same with Remus, then,” she raises her eyebrows. 

“In my dreams,” he sighs. 

“See! This is what you need to act like. Like earlier, your last name being Lupin. That was the worst thing ever, but Remus absolutely loved that.”

He sat up again, dropping to the floor, “you really think?”

“Oh my god, I never saw him blush so much.”

“Well you must never see Moony, because he’s basically always blushing,” he smiles at the thought of him.

Marlene looks at him; Sirius Black never really loved people. She knew this, because he acted almost careless about everybody besides Euphemia Potter, and Minerva McGonagall; the only adults he found likeable. Peter and James; his brothers. 

And Remus Lupin—the person he loved more than anybody in this world. So lovesick he could almost throw up. And Remus Lupin loved Sirius Black. So lovesick that he would love him even if he’d done the worst thing in the world. So in love that Remus hated himself for it. 

“Oh yes, you only ever see him blushing, I wonder why,” she squints, waiting for him to realise. But he doesn’t. His shoulders slouch, as if he’s confused. Because he is. “He’s always blushing because you’re around him. He fucking loves you, mate. And he hates almost everybody in this world for the dumbest reasons. But he never hated you. He hates you for doing what you did, though. And if you’re not willing to use the rest of your life making it up, then you should leave him alone. Because Remus Lupin deserves the best. And if you’re not willing to do that, then you don’t deserve him.”

“I was always going to spend this life with him,” he murmurs, staring at his feet, with his arms wrapped around his legs. “I’m only sixteen, but I knew from the moment I saw him that he was the one. Is—do you think that’s weird?”

“Probably,” she shrugs.

He chuckles, “I can only ever do my patronus when I think about moments with him. Properly. The only times I can produce one with an entire body, it’s memories with him. I did that when I was fifteen. Since then, I can’t do it anymore.”

“You can do your patronus?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Well—I could. Before. Can you?”

“Yeah. Mine is a unicorn,” she says.

“Wow, Marls,” he replies. “That’s—That is like one of the most rare patronuses ever. Are you joking?”

“No,” she scrunched her eyebrows. “I practice with Mary sometimes, hers is a doe.”

“Remus’ is a wolf.”

“What’s yours?”

“A dog.”

“That—is—absolutely perfect,” she smirked. “Are you joking? You literally have soulmate patronuses, and you call him Moony, and your name is a star! Oh my Merlin’s balls!” 

“Also he’s a pisces, and I’m a scorpio,” Sirius chimes in. Marlene’s mouth falls open. 

“I have never heard a man talking about zodiac signs,” she gapes, as she tilts her head to the side, as if she was a confused dog,

“Pete is obsessed with it, after becoming friends with Panda.”

“Panda?”

“Pandora—I quite like her, she got my stuff for me when I ran away, she’s Bella’s husband’s sister, so,” he shrugs. 

When I ran away. Her shoulders sink even thinking about it. Somebody could do that to their kid—they—took—turns. To their cousin. To their family. 

“Oh, she’s Dorcas’ friend?” Marlene realised, attempting to move on. Though she was barely about to, she felt as if it was eating her soul. 

“Yeah, and Reg is with her quite a bit—they’ll probably get married,” he laughed.

“Gross,” she looked away. 

“I know, but Black family tradition—at least I don’t need to do that vile shit.”

“Sirius,” she whispered. “Have you talked to anyone about it? Without joking about it, I mean. I mean, have you sat there and been fully honest about how you feel?”

He frowned, “no. I haven’t told anyone. I don’t really trust anyone. I lost the only person I trusted—no—I let go of the only person I trust.”

“Remus?”

“Forever,” his eyes tear up, as he stares at Marlene. He looks away, burying his face in his knees—he doesn’t like to be seen crying; because of his awful mother who punished him for having emotions; like a normal human being. “Why the fuck does it have to be like this? Mother is fucking right. I mess up everything.”

“As if that woman can talk,” she scoffs. He doesn’t respond. “Look, Sirius. You are perfect, alright? You can let it go. After school, you’ll be living with your Moony, because I know you’ll make it all up to him. And you’ll have tons of money. You can start a family with Remus—“

“I don’t really want my own kids. I want to be uncle Pads,” he wipes his tears. “Because James is going to name his child after me, I don’t care what he says.”

“Erm, James is too much of a child to ever have children.”

“Excuse me?! That man will go on to do great things!” Sirius glared. She widened her eyes, scrunching her eyebrows. 

Sirius and James. James and Sirius. She was sure they were soulmates. Not in the way that they’ll have kids together, or kiss. They’ll grow up, sitting on the porch together, watching each other, and their partner’s grow old. They’ll watch over each other’s kids as their own. They’ll get into arguments, but get over them immediately because they’re brothers. They were always going to be in every life. But they’ll never be blood related; she supposed that was more pure. The fact they’ll eventually meet, and still fall in love with each other as they did in this one. Platonically. 

“Never said that he wouldn’t, Merlin,” she bit her bottom lip. “James will. I just don’t think he’ll be a father. But if he does become one, I’m sure he’ll be the best one out there. And just know, you’ll be the best uncle. You, Marauders, are the only men I’ll trust to take care of my children—or dogs and cats. Either one.”

“I… don’t know,” he frowns, his shoulders sinking. He inhales deeply. A million thoughts were running through his head at that moment.

She places her hand on his ankle, “what is it, Sirius?

“I… kind of doubt that my mother and father were always awful people, and when I think about it, I think what if I turn into them?”

“You won’t, Sirius,” she confirms. “You won’t. I know you won’t.”

“Yeah? And how do you know, McKinnon?” He glares. “How are you so sure that I’m never going to turn out like them?

“Because you’re one of my closest friends, mate! I know you, and you’re fucking family to me! To me! Not those fuckers. You are family to James, who basically considers you his soulmate. And fuck! I’ve never seen Pete look up to somebody so much; you mean the world to that boy. And Remus—“

“He said I was like the rest of them.”

“He didn’t mean it,” she shook her head, now pacing back and forth in the room, and running her hands through her hair. She didn’t know why, but whenever it was her friends; she got flustered. And so angry. She loved them. And she didn’t like them seeing them hurt; she’d go through hell to make sure they wouldn’t. “He didn’t mean it. You did something almost unforgivable, he was attempting to do the same.”

She heard somebody walking down the stairs, turning quickly—coming from the boy's dormitory room steps. Sirius also snapped his head over to the source of the sound. 

Remus appears, smiling as he stares at a book. He lifts his head up, his smile disappearing as he sees them. He stops dead. 

“Oh,” he clears his throat. “Erm, I’m just going to—erm—go back—yeah.”

“No!” Marlene calls out, shooting a glance at Sirius—may as well let Remus sit with them. “No, come sit with us. I—Sirius is telling me something, but I don’t really know what to say, and you’re really good at giving advice.”

The book sits in Remus’ arm. “Oh,” he says again, scratching the back of his neck—as he always did when he wanted to hide his face. “S’pose I’m not really the person to talk to—I’m not his friend.”

“I know,” Marlene shrugs her shoulders. “But I don’t know what to say. Please. It’s about—“

“It’s about my family,” Sirius stands up, admitting it finally, inching closer to Remus. She wanted to hug him; tell him that she was proud of him for admitting it not only to Remus, but to himself.

“Oh,” he says for the third time. “Er, well I suppose that it won’t really take long. McKinnon, stay sitting,” Remus orders, as she notices her attempting to walk away. “So, what’d you want?”

“Wow, Lupin, you’d be a great therapist,” Sirius grunts, trying to hide his own face—Remus hasn’t been this close to him in so long.

“Just tell me what happened, I’m not sitting here all night.”

Marlene’s gaze drops to her feet, Remus probably would sit there all night. Even if he didn’t have to. He would. Because Sirius could put Remus through all the pain in the world, and his love for him would never fade.

She supposed that was cute in a way. But painful, for Remus. But even when put through pain, love makes all of the pain seem insignificant.

“You know how I ran away?”

“Yeah,” he nods, closing the book. His glare settled. “Yeah, I do.”

“Erm—I honestly don’t really have anything to say,” Sirius bites his bottom lip, covering his face with his hands. “I’m sorry for wasting your time. Go sneak out to the library, or something.”

“Sirius.”

“Remus,” Sirius dropped his hands from his face, as the back of his head rested on the lounge. He turned towards Remus. 

“You can tell me.”

Marlene shifted uncomfortably, crossing one leg over the other—seriously, she is always here when it comes to the awkward moments. Moments that should be shared by only two people, not two people, plus Marlene watching them. 

She stared at her feet, realising Remus let his guard down. For the first time since September. For the first time, he let himself be with Sirius. 

“You hate me, though,” Sirius chuckled sadly. “You shouldn’t have to do this for me.”

“You’re right, I shouldn’t,” Remus crossed his legs, turning his entire body to Sirius. Marlene smiled, biting her lip attempting to hide it. He leaned in. “Why do you think I hate you?” 

“Because of what I did to you.”

“Yeah,” Remus nods. “S’pose you could say that. But I mostly hate you because I love you so much, you acted as if you loved me—and then, you did that to me, alright? And you never told me why you did it, you never even tried to make it up to me. You just did it, and it felt like the one person I never thought would ditch me did—why?”

“I loved you, too,” Sirius says, but barely manages the words, as if he can’t believe he actually said this aloud to Remus. Said it, and truly meant it. Said I loved you to him. And maybe—maybe he couldn’t believe it because it wasn’t true. Maybe because he never stopped loving Remus, and in past tense, it seemed wrong, “Instead of waiting for you to leave me, I did it myself. I saw the perfect opportunity with Snivellus, and I did it.”

Remus’ eyes close, as his face drops into his hands, exhaling deeply, “that’s understandable, Sirius,” he tells him, as if he can’t really believe those words.

“It is?” He says, his back straightening as if he was hoping for something. 

“Yes. But—but I can’t forgive you. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to properly. But I understand.”

Sirius sinks again but he doesn’t speak. Marlene feels herself tearing up, as if she’d just sat through a sad scene of a movie. Because Remus and Sirius—they were never supposed to be real.

They were supposed to be the couple in the movies that everybody roots for. People were supposed to watch them fall in love, and know that they have. But they wouldn’t. They would be the type of couple everybody wishes they were. 

Because that kind of love—that kind of mutual love—was almost unreal.

She knows this so well, because she’s going through it.

She loved Dorcas. 

She loved her to the point it almost consumed her everyday since she had realised. 

But she loved Dane, too. And she doesn’t know what he’d do if she told him that she was in love with his first ever friend. That she was in love with the first person that he didn’t have to share with Marlene.

So she decided she’d avoid Dorcas—she would avoid her until the love faded. Until it left her system—maybe she’ll even pull a Benjy, and make out with the first person that falls at her feet. 

She wakes up the following day at seven in the morning, grabbing her broom, as she heads down to the quidditch pitch—she’d have to get back into the routine of going down there with James. 

She dresses in layers of clothes, hoping that she’ll barely be able to feel the freezing cold—Marlene never really liked January too much. She liked the warmth of the sun. Not the pressure of the cold pressing against her skin, feeling as if it was going to eat her. 

“James Potter,” she throws her arms up, sitting back on her broom. “Seriously do not understand how you get out this early, and don’t die when you step out of the common room.”

“Well, I suppose it’s my genes—my mum and dad were good at quidditch.”

“Right,” she cringed. “Genes don’t make the cold fade away.”

“You never know, my dear Marls,” he smiles—warmth of the sun.

She couldn’t deny that James Potter had the energy of the sun—and that he could be everybody’s sun if he really wanted to be. There were very few people like James—absolutely one hundred percent arrogant, but rightfully earned. Because his heart made his ego seem tiny. 

“Plus, I’ve got to impress some people, don’t I?” He raises his eyebrow, smirking, as she rushes through the pitch. She follows him.

“Lily isn’t here.”

“No,” he shakes his head. “She isn’t, but I have a feeling that I’m not the one she’s trying to impress.”

“What?”

“Mary—she left right after Mary said she’d kissed someone,” James pointed out, but Marlene already knew this. About Lily’s undeniable crush on Mary. But she didn’t know how he knew. 

“Erm,” Marlene lifted up one arm to her face, scratching her forehead. 

“I’m not going to say anything to anyone,” James reassured her after she’d stayed silent. His back straightened. “I would never do that, Marls. I saw Benjy, and I saw it with Sirius—Sirius was so scared. I’d never put Evans, or Mary through that. People are queer, so fucking what? There a bigger problems than someone of the same sex kissing each other.”

“You’re a good guy, Potter,” she looks away. She wanted to cry. She never heard anyone confirm that it was normal—she’d met other queer people. Pretty much her entire friend group. But no one had ever truly said it was normal. Even if she knew it, she felt as if she needed somebody to say it. “You and Lily would’ve made a good couple.”

He smiles. “Yeah, well, sometimes the universe has other

plans,” he shrugs. “And now I'm second guessing everything in my life.”

“Like what?”

“I—I’m not ready to say,” he admits, dropping his gaze. “I know what it is. I just—I don’t want to say it out loud.”

“You must be second guessing if you don’t want to say it aloud,” she furrowed her eyebrows, holding onto the broomstick, as the tips of her fingers grew numb from the cold. “James Potter and not sharing every single little detail of his life,” she jokes. “But—take all the time you need.”

“Thank you, Marls.”

“Anytime, mate.”

Marlene moved on from the conversation; not because she didn’t care. Because she knew it wasn’t her place to contemplate something James didn’t want to say to anyone yet. If he wasn’t ready to say it, he wasn’t ready for somebody to know.

And she knew exactly how he felt as she stepped into the Great Hall for breakfast that morning, and Dorcas Meadowes seemed as if she was the only other person in the room—not like that was anything out of the ordinary; Marlene will always look for Dorcas in every room she  steps into.