Illicit Affairs

Lily Evans POV: Part Four

Christmas—Lily had always, as far as she could remember, loved Christmas. She loved the way the snow fell, and how huge the piles can get. She loved sitting in front of the fireplace, feeling the warmth around her when she knew the rest of the world was freezing. And most of all, she enjoyed giving. Giving. Giving, giving. 

Oh, how she enjoyed watching people’s faces light up when she’d gotten them exactly what they wanted—especially the people she loved; Mary, Remus, Marlene, of course, Benjy, and Peter—Pete and Mary had sent her a letter back. And even Mary’s handwriting was beautiful. Lily was unable to grasp how a human, especially, can be so perfect. 

Humans are fascinating. They always have been with Lily. She knew someone could seem almost perfect, but still have a flaw on them. But even Mary’s flaws—they made her seem even more perfect. 

Lily was also unable to explain how much she missed Mary every single Christmas—she would rather stay at Hogwarts than go home to Petunia. She loved Petunia. She really did. Tuney used to be her best friend. Before she found out that Petunia wanted to go to Hogwarts, and was unable to.

Lily sometimes felt selfish. And guilty. As if it should’ve been Petunia who got the letter. Not Lily—it should’ve been both or neither. But here she is; avoiding going back home to her suffocating parents, and horrible sister, (whom she couldn't entirely blame).

She was tired of the way Severus had been acting, which is mostly the reason she was surprised when he had become decent over the break—when he was relaxed, he was much better. When he wasn’t trying to prove he was entirely better than everyone else to impress his pureblood friends, he was much nicer. 

But the thought of Mary coming back to Hogwarts—it made her excited, she was barely able to think about anything else but that. The thought alone of Mary hugging her causes butterflies to swarm into her stomach. She missed her—to say the least.

Which is why she was so, beyond words, excited to see her for the first time after their break. 

Marlene, Lily and Remus headed down to where the carriages were going to be in a few minutes—Peter, James, Sirius and Mary were coming back today. And Lily thought that she'd never seen Remus so thrilled to go back into the snow—the cold—something he didn’t hate, but also didn’t particularly enjoy being in. 

“She didn’t send anything to you?!” Marlene crossed her arms over her chest, attempting to stay as warm as possible, as they talked about Petunia. 

“No—she didn’t,” Lily murmured, slightly frowning. She cleared her throat, turning to Marlene once again. “What about Dane? Did he send anything? 

“Nah,” she shook her head, staring into the distance, only for Lily to notice that she was staring at Dorcas, with her other group of friends; Barty, Evan, Dane, and now Benjy, who seemed to be getting real close to Barty. Or maybe she was staring at Dane. Works either way. “Cheers to having shit siblings.”

“And being unstable!” Remus threw his hands up in the air.

“Remus, I get that you’re trying to join in,” Marlene frowned, placing her hand on his shoulder, and tilting her head. “But no.”

“He wasn’t lying,” Lily shrugged, seeing Mary drag her trunk off the carriage with Sirius, James and Peter talking to her. And Lily felt as if she wanted to bolt down to Mary, and hug her, but somehow, she contained herself. 

Marlene laughed, “never said he was—But! If you would excuse me, my best friend is back.”

“Hey!” Lily punched her in the arm, giving herself a head start on the race, knowing Marlene could beat Remus and Lily even if they’d gotten a much bigger head start.

In a few moments, they arrived, all panting, and Remus collapsed onto the floor, exhausted—she couldn’t blame him. His back was starting to hurt a bit more again. 

“Wow, Lupin, didn’t know you were so eager to see me,” Sirius smiled, ditching his stuff on the floor to help Remus up. Remus stared at his hand, before picking himself up off the floor.

“I’m not,” he shakes his head quickly, looking Sirius up and down. Lily kind of wants to cringe as his expression after that, as he snatched his head back, scratching the back of his head. “Git.”

“Definitely not Remus Lupin without an insult,” James says, jumping in front of Sirius, throwing his arm around him—he winks at Sirius, before walking off. As if they have something planned—maybe if James is there with Remus, Sirius will have to be there as well. “Love you, mate.”

“Yeah, love you, too, James,” Remus rolls his eyes, pushing him away softly. “Surprised you haven’t said a word to Lily today—what’s it been? Two minutes already?!”

Lily smacks her head around, glaring in their direction, “Potter doesn’t have to say a word to me,” she snaps, hand in Mary’s as they go up—Mary took her hand; she would have screamed if—well—if she wasn’t in this exact moment. 

“Oh no, Evans, I definitely do, but I would just like to say that I hope you had a good Christmas,” he nods, as she hears Evan laugh aloud; she also notices his head almost smack around, as if he wanted to see what was so funny, or to see if Regulus was laughing.

Lily smirks, shooting a look behind him, as if to say, I know, “yeah, alright, Potter, I’m sure that’s all,” she winked before turning back to Mary—she could hear the uncomfortable shift in James’ body. Sirius crossed his arms. 

“Anyways!” Sirius smiled, shouting. “Finally left—what shall we call it—Satan’s building—“

“Hey!” Mary turned around, as she rushed over, punching Sirius in the arm—she let go of Lily’s hand, and Lily felt as if she wanted to fade. She knew Mary meant nothing by it—they were best friends. She liked boys. But something about it this time—it didn’t seem like something best friends would do—at least this time felt like that. “Satan is beautiful, and we shall not insult them like that.”

“Wow,” he said, surprised that Mary even gave a shit, turning away from her slowly. 

“Plus that’s Muggle stuff, where’d you hear that?” Lily said, as if she backed up Mary—she would fall in love. Mary turned her head, grinning at Lily—and oh, please let time stop so I can stay in this moment forever. Because it was—different.

“Marlene said it last term, thought I might adopt it,” he nodded his head, curling his lips, as he smirks. 

“Yes, because you’re entitled to everything, Black, aren’t you? You purebloods always think you are,” Remus scoffs, shooting a look at him. Lily genuinely cringes this time when she sees Sirius staring, as if he’d never seen anything so gorgeous. 

“Hey!” Peter and James said in unison—Sirius grinned. 

“Can’t call me that anymore, can you?” He shrugged his shoulders, smugly. “Got myself disowned this time—I decided to put up pictures of naked half girls, though. Mother—no, Walburga Black will be absolutely furious.”

“Should’ve put posters of half naked men—then she would’ve been absolutely, utmost disappointed because you’re gay,” Remus says, mumbling. But Sirius got it. He always got Remus somehow. Even when no one else did.

“You tell me this now?!” Sirius groans, wincing before he says this word; still slightly scared of the word gay. Lily couldn’t blame him. She couldn’t deny she wasn’t either—she’s the child her parents rely on now that she’s a witch, and she won’t even be able to give them anything. “Lupin!” 

“And also!” Mary added. “Women are not here to help make your mother mad. Jesus, Sirius, you should have some class. Christ!” 

Lily smiles to herself—and she’s thought about it. So much. Her feelings for Mary. How she loves every single detail about her. But she’s never loved her more than she has in this moment. 

“Yeah well, Sirius, I’m not trying to help you,” he lifted up his shoulder, beginning to pick up his speed slightly.

“He just called me Sirius—James, he called me Sirius instead of Black—Oh my—Merlin, I’m going to faint,” Sirius gasps, hand on his chest, as if he’s hyperventilating. “Oh, someone—get prepared to catch me.”

James jumped behind him—Lily wanted to shake her head at how dumb those two boys were, but shockingly exceeded in the majority of the classes they have. Except Defence Against the Dark Arts, which Sirius seems to hate the teacher in, but has always stepped back a bit in that class. Lily never knew why. To be honest, she never really wanted to find out why. But sometimes—and although it’s shocking—she knows that Sirius is a person. 

“Well you can’t call yourself a Black, can you?” Remus looks back, furrowing his eyebrows. Lily smiled. She was happy he found—justice—throughout it all. He deserved it. Even if Lily wanted deeply to kick James and Sirius in the balls sometimes. 

“Yeah, maybe I should call myself a Lupin,” he winked, smirking. All of them, except James, Sirius and Remus, threw their heads back, groaning at the comment.

“Oh my Merlin’s balls,” James almost melted. Lily watched him with concern—she was pretty sure that’s what it was. “And kiss!” He threw his arms up. 

“No, I would not like to see my brother suck his boyfriend's face off, Joe,” Regulus glared, as his group walked beside him—Pandora, Dorcas, Dane, Barty and Evan. 

“The git isn’t my boyfriend!” Remus shouted at them, rolling his eyes. And their stares could kill if they really wanted to. Benjy smiled at them, turning away awkwardly.

Peter’s body shifted, his eyes following the group up the path—his stare so intense it was almost scary.

“And the name is James!” James calls out after him, scoffing as he looks down at his feet. “He doesn’t even bother to help you, and then he calls me Joe, he knows my name!” He pointed one finger up at the sky, his arm bent. Sirius stays silent. “He knows my name, right? I swear to grandmother Emma’s grave if you’ve never talked about me before—“

“Prongs!” Sirius called out. “You’ve talked to him before! I’ve literally seen you two talk. He obviously called you Joe to make you angry, and he clearly did, so good on him, I suppose.”

“I’ll never forgive him,” he says, his eyes following Regulus up the hill. 

“For calling you Joe?” Peter cringes. “I’m friends with a bunch of psychos,” he shakes his head.

“Don’t worry, Pete,” Marlene swings her arm around him, smirking. “Remus turned to the better group, just know we’re waiting for you, too.”

Peter smiles. “Yes, please save me from them,” he said, to which James and Sirius pretended to fall backwards, as if they were hurt. “So how was your Christmas, then?” 

“Eugh, I don’t even want to talk about it,” she groans. 

“I need to know now!” Peter jumps slightly, smiling with his hands clenched. Marlene rolls her eyes. “I’ll keep it a secret. I promise—do you know how many secrets I’m keeping for people right now? Many. So many!”

“Aw,” Marlene pouts, jokingly, looking at Peter. She squeezes his shoulder, softly placing the side of her head against his. “I wouldn’t want to add to your plate, then.”

Peter’s smile dropped, “how do I always get outsmarted by people?” 

“Don’t worry, Pete, someday you’ll outsmart us all,” Mary jumped over to him, her arm around him, and a grin spread across both of their faces. Lily smiled, tilting her head over to them so she could see them. “My Christmas was quite good though,” she smirked. 

“Was it?” Lily said—she was glad Mary enjoyed her Christmas—but Lily was partly disappointed to see how happy Mary was when she was away from her. Not that she ever really thought she’d have a proper chance. “Why’s that?”

“For one, I didn’t have to go to Church with my horrible father, and two, I may or may not have kissed somebody,” she winked at Lily. Oh no, Lily thought, here comes tears. Hold it back. Hold it back. You didn’t have a chance anyway. 

“Oooh,” Marlene said, in a high pitched whistle. She glanced back at Lily, shrugging her shoulders, as if she was asking, is this ok? And Lily had no choice but to nod. She couldn’t control Mary. Or Marlene. Or who they wanted to kiss. Or who Mary actually wanted to kiss. “Who was it?”

“Just this person back home,” she says, and Lily feels herself sink. She wanted to disappear. And not in the way she usually does around Mary. Like she wanted to run away so badly. “Did all holidays.”

“Wow!” Sirius said, leaning back. “Macdonald—wouldn’t expect you to score like that.”

“Well at least I can score, and keep them,” Mary rolled her eyes—if one person could compete with Sirius’ almost awful comments, or whatever he was saying, it was Mary. Not even compete. Absolutely demolish—and maybe that’s why Lily liked Mary so much. They were opposites, and balanced out each other the way they should. And she couldn’t deny that Mary definitely kept people. 

“Right—and I’m sure you’ve already tied the knot, then?”

“We stopped things—for now,” she shrugs. “They don’t go to this school, so…”

“Oh.” 

“I’m going to go,” Lily grunts, rushing back down the hill, feeling slightly sick to her stomach.

“The castle is up there, Lil!” Mary calls out, confused. 

For the first time, she ignored her, and continued to walk away—she’d felt heartbreak before. She knows she has. With her parents; the way she’d felt like a burden child when she was only ten years old. With her sister; feeling as if she was the reason Petunia was in misery. But never before had she felt her heart break the way it did when she found out she never had a chance with Mary. 

So she did nothing, but walk, her beanie pulled over her ears, and her scarf wrapped around her neck. She could see the sight of her nose bright red. With her hands stuffed into her pockets, she stared up, between a tree lined path, and Mary. Mary. Mary. Mary. 

Why? 

Why has she always been so unlucky?

Sure. She met Remus, Marlene and Mary—the closest people in her life. Along with Benjy, and Peter. Plus Emmeline, and Alice. And she’d never been so lucky knowing that she got the chance to meet them all. But her friends were happy with falling in love with people. And she was too. But she didn’t have anyone who loved her the way she loved them. The way she loved Mary.

She wished she could stop loving. In general. But she fell too hard too quickly. And it wasn’t even with romance. It was the way she loved her sister too much to stop caring. The way she loved her parents too much to move on. The way she loved Remus too much she would hurt someone for him. And especially Mary who she loved too much she would do all of that for, and more.

And maybe that is why she always thought herself so unlucky. Because love doesn’t always promise you happiness. And loving is all Lily ever really does.

“Lily,” a voice says behind her, whilst she stands in front of the icy lake, her hands still in her pockets. She turns around to see Severus, almost mirroring her exact actions. His lips thin, as he grins at her. She smiles back, as she looks away. “What’re you doing here?”

“Just getting some fresh air,” she smiles, staring into the distance. “Fancy joining me?”

“It’s absolutely freezing, Lil.”

“I know,” she shrugs her shoulders. “I kind of like it though.”

He winces, but lifts up his shoulders. “Alright. Did something happen? Do I need to talk to anybody?”

She chuckles, “No, Sev, nothing’s happened,” she lies. But she deeply wishes she could tell him. Never in her life did she want to more than right now. But she knows him. She knows that he’d call her a dyke and leave her alone. In the cold. Alone. 

“Macdonald is back though,” he grunts. “I thought you’d be with her.”

“What do you mean?” She blurts. “I’m not with Mary, that’s ridiculous.”

“Yes, obviously,” he looks at her strangely, as if to say what the fuck. “You’re standing right in front of me.”

“Oh,” she let out a silent breath of relief. “Alright?”

“Alright, and you?”

She stops for a second—she knew it was just a second, because he didn't glare the way he did when he found something strange. She just watched him, and she thought about every single memory she’s ever had with him—and she knew at that moment, she’d do anything in her power to keep it the way it was right now. 

“Yeah, I’m ok,” she shrugs, beginning to spread a smile across her face.

She felt torn after she’d heard that Mary kissed someone else—absolutely shattered, which is frankly why she knew she was lying when she said she was alright. She knew Severus wouldn’t be able to see it, but she was breaking inside, and no amount of words could express the way she felt. 

Can’t you just tell Mary, she asks inside her head, thinking about it, truly. Just tell her how you feel.

Then, for some odd reason, the voice of Marlene appeared in her head—just tell her, Lily, what’s the worst that could happen?

Lily thinks. Before responding. Responding to her own voice. Herself. She tilts her head, wondering what the fuck she was doing. Then she knocks back the judgemental thoughts of Lily Evans’ brain, and agrees to talk. 

Erm, my entire world could fall apart. I could kiss her. She would punch me. She wouldn’t be friends with me. Then, you would be on her side. Because you know. And then, Remus will leave with you, and then James and Sirius will go. And if James and Sirius go, everyone will go. If everyone goes, then everybody will find out. Then Sev will find out, And I’ll be stuck with no one. Forever alone. 

Jesus, Marlene says, though she’s not even really there.

“I’ve–erm–gotta go, Sev, but I’ll talk later,” she begins to walk away, stomping through the snowy hills, feeling the cold air hit her face. “Bye!” She calls out finally, turning away as she sees him wave to her.

Lily decides she’ll talk to Marlene about it. The real Marlene. Not the harsh, mean Marlene voice that Lily Evans’ brain created–she felt kind of stupid that she didn’t think about it before. She rushed through the corridors of the castles, running up the stairs, and–

James Potter. Without his clone. Sirius. He was just wandering through the castle by himself. He put his hand out. She glances at it, before picking herself up, and brushing her thighs. 

“Potter,” she glares.

“Evans,” he nods, with that stupid, almost contagious grin of his. But it was awkward–as if he’d just spoken to someone else–that someone else was coming around the corner. “Erm–why did you run away? Earlier today. I mean. Obviously.”

She glanced at the person walking beside her–she smirked, as she looked back towards James, “ok.”

“Oh yeah,” he clears his throat. “Reginald.”

“Reg-u-lus,” he rolls his eyes, correcting James. James could almost–melt. Even more than he did in front of Sirius and Remus, those few hours ago. Lily cringed. He definitely has a type; people who are mean to him, and basically do not give a flying fuck about him. “Joe.”

“I must not be the only one forgetting names, then.”

“You must not be,” Regulus folded his arms. 

Except it wasn’t careless. Regulus cared a lot–his jaw tightened, and his hands twitched, his blinks sped up, and his eyes altered from James’ right, to the left. He was flustered. Not that many people would notice this, though. Lily learnt to be observant. Sometimes it was a trap, and she’d know everybody’s business without even wanting to.

“Eugh, I’m going,” she pushed in between them, walking past. 

“Wait, Evans!” Regulus called out. She stopped, as he ran up to her. “Erm, I saw the look you gave over there, is there something going on between you and Ja—Potter? I mean, I know he fancies you, but I’m just—you know.”

“There’s nothing, I promise, Regulus. I’m not even sure if he fancies me anymore, he seems much more into somebody else,” she stares at him, hopefully—she hated James, but she was rooting for the two of them.

“Do you think?”

“Yes, Reginald, I do.”

He rolled his eyes, “not Reginald.”

“I know,” she smiled. “But it was quite funny, and Joe over there is absolutely head over heels for you. Reginald. Trust me.”

And the corner of his lips turned up in a way she’d never seen before, “thank you, Lily,” he said, saying her first name for the first time. “I used to hate you—because I thought he fancied you. I knew he did. But—but now I can see why he does.”

“Thank you, Regulus, that truly does mean a lot to me, and I’m sure something good will come out of it. Now that—well he doesn’t fancy me as much, would you like to be friends? Or just acquaintances?”

“Yeah,” he nods. “Yeah. That sounds nice. But I’ve got to go now, I’ll see you later,” he waves, heading in the opposite direction. 

She smiles to herself—Regulus Black; she’d always notice things about him. That he’d be furious to find out that someone knew—she knew he was the secretive type.

He wasn’t always reading, but he always had a book in his hand, and only ever had his backpack on one shoulder. He attempts to keep his hair neat everyday. As much as he can. But he had curly hair, so it wasn’t always easy to keep tame. He was always glancing around the hall, looking for a specific person, and other times—a lot of those times—he would be sitting, and staring into space. This was the only time he didn’t have a book. He would observe people, just like she did. 

And when he wasn’t by himself, he would be with Dane McKinnon, or Dorcas Meadowes. But especially Pandora Lestrange. He looked the happiest when he was with Evan, Barty, Dorcas, Pandora and Dane. He looked happy as if he finally had an escape to his miserable life.

She knew he was miserable half the time as well. Sirius would talk about his mother in the common room, and she’d always hear. Even if she didn’t really want to listen, because that would be intruding. But Regulus tried to hide his misery, but she could see through the mask.

He was a sad boy, with a sad life, but he had potential to find happiness—he just didn’t have much hope. Or motivation to do so.

And she understood why. 

When the only person you’ve ever truly cared about in this world turns on you, it seems like the end of the world at first. It seems as if life won’t go on. But it will go on. 

And she wished she could convince him, but she would never be able to do so—and she couldn’t blame him.

She could only hope now. To help him. To help him the way she has to help herself. 

By herself.