Illicit Affairs

Dorcas Meadowes POV: Part Three 

“Hey, are you ok—oh, it’s you,” Dorcas stared down at the crying Marlene—she shared a night with her a few days ago, and she didn’t regret it. She deeply wanted to regret it. But she found herself smiling at the thought of Marlene, and she knew she was fucked. 

“It’s me,” Marlene nods, waving her arms around, her face resting in a frown. She avoided meeting the eyes of Dorcas; Dorcas was able to tell by the way Marlene played with her hands, pretending to care what her nails looked like—she always knew Marlene did this. “You haven’t talked to me for days.”

“It’s been three days, McKinnon,” she bit her bottom lip, rolling her eyes at Marlene, secretly enjoying seeing Marlene properly caring about her. “Drama queen.”

She laughed, ironically, “is that what you do to your friends? Call them drama queens when they’re crying behind a pillar?”

“Only you,” Dorcas shrugs, unexpectedly wanting to make Marlene feel better—not just better, though. She wanted to help Marlene McKinnon feel invincible. She wanted to get her hands on anything that could possibly hurt her, and protect her from all of it. But never in a million years would Dorcas Meadowes deserve Marlene McKinnon. “So what’s wrong, then?”

“You’ll think it’s stupid.”

“More than likely, McKinnon,” Dorcas smiles, finding herself sitting down on the floor; the ice cold concrete. She’d do anything for Marlene honestly. “But tell me anyway.”

She can see Marlene smile to herself from beside her, as she wipes the tear from her face. And Dorcas just sits there, waiting for her to tell her what’s wrong, because if Dorcas was going to do anything on Christmas Eve, the holiday of giving, she would spend the entire day giving herself to Marlene. 

“Dane,” Marlene frowned then, whilst speaking his name. She brought her knees up to her chest, exhaling heavily. “I don’t know what to do—I saw him. Near the lake. And I just walked away. Old Marlene McKinnon would’ve never done that. She would’ve marched up to him, and pretend nothing happened. I miss old Marlene McKinnon. She was stronger than I am.”

Her brother—Eric—was all she ever thought about when it came to Dane and Marlene. 

Dorcas hesitates, “maybe change is good,” she says. “Maybe we learn and grow, and we change. And that’s seen as such a negative thing.”

“It’s a negative thing to him,” Marlene murmurs. “He told me I changed.”

“I know,” Dorcas rolls her lips in. She was there. She was in the room beside them, listening to them argue. She hated herself for always being around. So, naturally, she began to avoid being there. “But Dane loves you.”

“He loves the old Marlene McKinnon.”

“I don’t.”

Marlene turns to her, and Dorcas slowly turns her head up to see Marlene hiding her grin behind her glare, “was that some attempt to make me feel better?”

“I would never want to do that, McKinnon, I would say I’m surprised you don’t know by now, but…” she trails off, and she knows she’s made Marlene smile—Dorcas can sleep happily now, knowing Marlene doesn’t hate her.

“You’re a knob.”

Your knob, Dorcas thinks. I’m yours. 

“Saying that as if you’re surprised.”

“I am,” Marlene moves, sliding her back down the wall, moving closer to Dorcas. Butterflies. Heat. Destined. “I am surprised. You’re so much different than I expected before.”

“I’m not that much different.”

“Why did you walk off, Meadowes?”

Because I’m scared, she wants to say. I’ve never loved somebody this much, and I’m scared it will end up the way it did for my brother. But she doesn’t. She shrugs her shoulders. 

“I wanted to,” she lied. She didn’t mean it. Why, why did she speak? Why didn’t she stay silent? Why can’t she open her mouth, and tell Marlene that she’s just scared? Why can’t she just stop being a coward for one second, and blurt out all her thoughts? Why? Why? Why?

“Right,” Marlene nodded, and she moved her body away. Dorcas' hand twitched, too afraid to pick it up, tell Marlene to stop, and stay with her. Tell Marlene she wanted her so much, it scared her. “Well I’m going now, I’m glad you're repulsed by me.”

She stood up quickly. She breathed out, she quickly looked behind her, unable to decide what to do. So she does it. She speaks.

“Good,” she says. She doesn’t have her sly smirk, Dorcas has a frown on her face, and she can feel her eyes filling with tears, watching as Marlene doesn’t move. She stares back at her. “I’m sorry,” she finally manages. “I didn’t…” She trails off. 

“I know,” Marlene steps closer to her again. 

“Please don’t,” she looks toward Marlene’s feet, avoiding meeting the eyes of her—it just stresses her out. And she’s sure it would stress Marlene out too. She just makes everything worse. “It’s—I get anxious.”

“You get anxious?” Marlene repeats, and hearing somebody else say it out loud makes Dorcas’ world cave in. It sounds idiotic. Ridiculous. Dramatic. She shakes her head, rubbing her face with her hands. Embarrassed.

“When you get too close,” she says, unsure whether letting Marlene close to her in distance, or emotion was the case. “I need you—I need you to go,” she shakes her head, again, gesturing into the distance—Marlene was the one crying before, and of course, she was about to burst into tears now. 

“I don’t want to leave you when you’re like this,” she points to Dorcas, she has her hands on Dorcas’ arms, her touch so soft, so tender that she wasn’t sure how long she was able to hold herself together. How much longer she was able to hold herself up, before sinking into Marlene forever.

“Just go!” Dorcas snaps, stepping away from Marlene. “I don’t fucking need you, McKinnon. Please go!”

“I—alright,” and she goes. Dorcas notices her lift up a hand to her face, and she does the same herself, sinking into the spot that Marlene was sitting before. And the scent of Marlene’s perfume filled the air in which she was sitting.

She cried. Because there was so much wrong with her.

She cried. Because she was an idiot. 

She cried. Because she made Marlene upset.

She cried. Because she allowed Marlene to walk away. 

She cried. Because she allowed herself to fall for somebody the way she fell for Marlene. 

So deep, she was unable to fix it. Once you fall, there’s no way to turn back. It marked her like a bloodstain. 

“Fuck,” she whispers, her nose completely blocked as she wiped her face—get over it, she can imagine her father saying to her. Get thicker skin, her mother would say. Sensitive. Worthless. Talentless. Dyke, dyke, dyke, dyke—she’d allow herself to fall for a girl. Knowing her love was wrong. No matter who she would fall for, her love would be abnormal. 

But it can’t be wrong to love Marlene. It can’t, Dorcas thinks. It can’t be wrong when she’s never felt this way about anybody else. It can’t be wrong when she is unable to feel this way for anybody else. 

Barty was walking up to her, clearly not noticing she was crying. He has his hands around his mouth, looking up and howling as he draws closer. It was so ironic, she couldn’t help, but chuckle, wiping her face before he could see. Dane was laughing, and crossing his arms.

Lastly, Benjy comes into sight, as Evan basically gets into his face, quizzing him on whatever it was about. He was grinning, uncomfortable, his top row of teeth resting on the bottom row, as he stared at him, nodding his head along with Evan.

“Dorcaaaas!” Dane throws his hands in the air. “I’ve just been at the lake, and fuck, I almost died.”

“That’s why I told you to drink alcohol, idiot,” Evan sighs, dropping to the floor, crossing his arms, as the rest of the boys follow him. 

“Well we aren’t all alcoholics, are we?” A sarcastic smile

spreads across Dane’s face, and Dorcas felt her face form into a grin, as her boys sat down on the floor—Pandora, Regulus and Dorcas would always joke about how those three, Dane, Barty and Evan were basically their children. Now they have Benjy too. 

“Hello Fenwick,” Dorcas nods. Benjy doesn’t speak, but waves. “And the rest of you.”

“Eugh, Dorcas, I expected a formal greeting,” Evan pulls her arms, so she’s sitting on the floor with them. “Anywho, we still haven’t spoken about the other night, mostly because you’ve seemed really depressed lately.”

“You’re not supposed to say that shit to people, Ev,” Dane curls his lips, widening his eyes at Evan, as if they’d talked about it before. 

Remus Lupin begins to walk past them, his eyes following along a page. Benjy’s eyes narrow in his direction—she’d almost forgotten Barty and Benjy’s feelings. She wished they’d just tell each other already. She couldn’t bear it.

“It’s ok, Dane, it’s fine,” she lies, shrugging her shoulders. Benjy turns back to the group—he knows. She knows he knows, as his attention drew back to them once Dorcas spoke. 

“Oh yes, I’m sure that night with my sister would’ve been ‘fine’,” Dane lifted up his hands, creating air quotes. He rolled his eyes, bringing his knees up to his chest.

She loved Dane. But—she couldn’t tell him. Not yet. Not when she’s spent years arguing with Marlene. Not when she’s supported every single decision Dane has made along the way. Decisions that went against Marlene—if he found out that Dorcas suddenly turned, she’s not sure what he’d do. 

“Yeah,” she shrugs her shoulders. “It was fine, Dane, Benjy and Barty came up to the Astronomy Tower, making it less unbearable. Surprising, because Marlene McKinnon is always unbearable. No matter the circumstance.”

“I like Marlene,” Benjy raised his eyebrows, and Barty tapped his hand slightly, warning him, basically. He realised, nodding. “Well—erm—I’m finding Barty a girlfriend, if you all didn’t already know.”

“A girlfriend,” Evan laughed, and it even sounded a bit ridiculous to Dorcas as well. Barty with a girlfriend. She wanted to laugh at the thought of it. That boy is as gay as the day is long—just like Regulus Black. “Barty, you didn’t tell us Benjy Fenwick was a comedian.”

“I have,” he scrunched his eyebrows. 

“Oh yeah, actually, you have,” Evan tilted his head, squinting his eyes slightly, turning away from Barty. “Barty likes funny people,” he nods, leaning over Barty’s body to talk to Benjy. Barty hit him on the arm. “Ouch!”

“Shut up, Rosier, will you?” He hisses, crossing his arms. “Or shall we talk about the kind of people you like?”

“He told you?” Dane leaned in, looking at the both of them, as his shoulders sunk a bit.

“Rosier, I swear to Merlin, that is so unfair,” Dorcas let her mouth hang open, as she moved her body to get a better view of him. “When have I ever proved myself untrustworthy?”

“Ok, shut up everybody!” Evan clapped his hands. “If Benjy, here, is going to get Barty a girlfriend, we have to give him some things that Barty likes in a person, and after all, we are his best friends.”

“Won't be in a minute,” Barty grunted, as Benjy smiled, sitting up on his feet. 

“This might be useful.”

“Well funny people, definitely one of them,” Dorcas said. 

“Yeah, and Barty absolutely adores brown eyes, could stare into them for hours,” Evan grins. 

“We can’t forget, even though he’s an absolute evil knob himself, he loves kind people,” Dane chimes in. “Can’t get enough of them, y’know, maybe a Hufflepuff would suit him.”

“Oh yes,” Dorcas nods. “Dark hair—that is so attractive to Barty.”

“And dicks,” Evan says finally. 

“I thought you said he liked kind people,” Benjy furrowed his eyebrows, and Dorcas, Evan and Dane bursted into laughter, their hands flying to their stomach, barely able to keep themselves up.

“They mean male genitalia, Benjy,” Barty turns to him, his voice soft—and Merlin, Barty Crouch was in love with Benjy. “Very classy, I know.”

“You said you weren’t gay,” Benjy murmurs. But Barty just turns his body, staring at his hands. 

“Erm.”

Evan, Dorcas and Dane went dead silent, uncomfortable fidgeting in the places they were sitting. Slightly because they caused this to happen. Evan caused it. Dorcas felt slightly selfish because she continued it. But they needed to find out somehow. 

“He’s just not open about it,” Evan says. “No one at this school is, after—after what happens to you,” he shrugs. Dorcas turns away from them, feeling her body rise in temperature. 

“Oh.”

She shifts her body, staring at Dane, as he looks at her back. Morse code—they made morse code up when they were younger, so that Marlene, or anyone else, would have no clue what they were talking about.

Finally he knows at least, Dane says in morse code.

Barty wasn’t ready though, and it doesn’t look like Benjy was ready to find out either. 

Oh well. 

Fucking Rosier that arsehole. 

It’s not his fault, Dorcas, just leave him. 

Well this wouldn’t have happened if he could keep his mouth shut, Dorcas crossed her arms, glaring at Dane. Since when did he care so much about Evan, and what she said about him? 

“Should we go?” Evan points behind him.

“No,” Benjy says, quickly. “Nah, don’t go. I’ll just find him a boyfriend, then.”

“Oh,” Barty sighs. She wasn’t sure if it was in relief, or heartbreak—because his shoulders sunk, his face relaxed. He wasn’t smiling. He looked—small. In a way that she couldn’t really describe. “Oh ok.”

“That’s nice of you, Benjy,” Dorcas has her arm around Dane, sitting beside him. “Barty really does deserve some fun, he’s always alone up in his room, whilst the others all have hot dates.”

“Cass,” Barty said, staring. “Remind me again, who was your hot date?”

“I don’t share a room with you, therefore I don’t need to have a hot date,” she says quickly, glaring at him—giving him a look that only he would be able to see. Then, she smiled, turning her head back so the rest of the group were able to see her face. 

“Erm,” Benjy sighed, dropping his hands in his lap. “I suppose you’d like the same type of person in a guy.”

“Suppose,” Barty straightens up. 

And Dorcas saw it. Properly for the first time. She saw it for the first time. Because she spent so many years feeling it. She spent so many years feeling it. Only to realise it now. She only just realised.

It has always been Marlene. 

From the moment the insufferable, loud girl from the playground, and two houses down spoke a word to her, it was that girl. 

No. She shakes her head, hoping no one noticed it. She hated Marlene. She saw every single one of her flaws—she was loud, and spoke for ages about things she was passionate about. But it wasn’t normal things she’d talk about. She would go on for minutes on end on why the moon is a perfect metaphor of depression. 

She was fidgeting when she’s anxious, or nervous. Always rolling the rings around on her finger, twisting them as well. Rings that she’d gotten when she begged Dorcas to tell her where she got them from. And she was pushy. Not in the way that she touches people, and doesn’t stop. The way that she’s persistent. 

And Merlin, the way Marlene follows her around like a lost puppy—like she has so many other things in the world to do, and yet she still chooses to annoy Dorcas, because apparently that’s the best thing to do in the world.

Annoying. Pushy. Persistent. Arrogant. Competitive.

And yet—yet, Dorcas had never found herself so irrevocably in love with someone, despite their flaws. Then, she realised Marlene’s flaws were the exact reason she was in love with her.

She always thought of love as a choice. You either fall in love with someone. Or you don’t. That’s it. That’s how it was to Dorcas. That’s how simple it seemed to her.

That’s until she found herself head over heels in love with the girl she’d convinced herself she despised. 

“Benjy, why do you think you can make Barty fall in love with a person?” She asks. “You, out of all people, should know that love isn’t a choice.”

“Erm, well, like you said—he’s lonely, right?”

Evan laughed. “Lonely would be an understatement,” he nodded. “But what do you care, Meadowes? You’re always telling us we should give up because we’ll end up lonely in the end. Why the sudden positivity?”

“Just in a good mood, Rosier,” she grinned, sarcastically, resting her ear on her shoulder, whilst she looked at him. Dane scoffed, and her head snapped over to him.

“The words good mood coming out of Dorcas Meadowes’ mouth seems a bit wild,” he said, with a smile plastered across his face. And at that moment, she wanted the world to swallow her. Marlene, despite Dorcas being only sixteen, was the definition of her soulmate. Dane was something else. There were no words that could express how much she loved him. And she realised—he was her soulmate too. In a different way. But the feelings she had for Marlene. They were impossible to get rid of. Or she would’ve gotten rid of them by now. 

“Excuse me, McKinnon,” she gasped, her hand slapping to her chest. She smiled. She didn’t have to force it. That’s how easy it was with him. “I thought we were friends!”

“Friends!” He scoffs, jokingly. “I guess the other night meant nothing to you, then.”

“You’re right,” she rolls her eyes, attempting to remain serious. “It didn’t mean anything to me. You’re nothing but a warm mouth to me.”

“Traitor!”

“Merlin, you two are just fucking plain odd,” Evan scrunches his eyebrows, making a face as if he can smell something disgusting. And Dane’s head snaps over to him, but he doesn’t say a word. 

“Ok, Rosier,” Dorcas shrugs her shoulders, narrowing his eyes in his direction. Not that she was angry. Or anything. “At least we’re not a freak who can’t even tell us who he’s hooking up with—probably because there’s no one.”

“Quit it, Meadowes, you’ll never find out.”

“Eugh,” she looks away from him, toward Dane. Dane. Dane who is staring at Evan. He didn’t look away from him once. Not even as he continued talking. Dorcas had tuned Evan out. But Dane. He was listening. She furrowed her eyebrows, widening her eyes, because how odd. 

“Benjy, do you have a boyfriend?” Evan asks. Oh no, Dorcas thinks—nothing Evan ever says comes out decent. But she stayed silent. Because she wasn’t any better. Even if she had to sit through the most awkward conversation between two people, she would sit there. She loved chaos. As long as it wasn’t her chaos. 

“No, I don’t.” he says quickly. As if it wasn’t true—and maybe she believed it wasn’t true.

“Then why are you trying to get Barty a boyfriend if you don’t even have one yourself?”

Benjy bit his bottom lip, “not sure.”

“Ev, just leave it,” Barty shook his head, widening his eyes at him, shooting him a look. The stare where you know a person likes a person, but they’re trying to give a subtle one. The look to show a person they’re protective of them.

“I’m just asking a question, Crouch,” he raises his eyebrows. Dorcas clenches her jaw—she likes Evan. She wouldn’t be around him if he didn’t. And the majority of the time, he was a good friend. A great friend. But when he acts like this—she wants to punch him in the face. 

“Well he doesn’t want to answer your questions, fuck face,” Barty snaps back, his hands pressing on the floor as he holds his body back. 

“How do you know he doesn’t? Benjy is fully capable of making his own decisions,” Evan glares, biting the insides of his cheeks. 

“It’s fine,” Benjy cuts in, sitting up straighter. He obviously forces a smile onto his face. “Really it’s ok. I don’t have a boyfriend. But it’s ok. I don’t care.”

“Why don’t you date Barty?” Evan points towards him—and for once, Dorcas actually thinks that was a pretty genius move. One she never would’ve thought of. Surprisingly because it was Evan Rosier. “I mean, you two have been spending every single day together since that party, all day, every day, you seem to like each other a lot. 

Benjy laughs, “nah—no, we’re just friends,” she knows he’s lying. You only have to glance at the both of them to know that they’re lying. Because they fancy each other. They always have.

“Didn’t you always used to fight before, though?” He pushes his bottom lip out slightly. “For as long as I can remember, you two always used to argue. What changed?”

“We became friends, Rosier,” Barty also lied—Dorcas has created many lies in her life; she knows how to recognise one. And she knows how to hide—she’s them in a way. She’s spent her entire school life hating Marlene. And now—it was different. She was in love. “Why don’t you tell us who your boyfriend is if you’re so interested?” 

Evan tilts his head, clearing his throat. He glances at Dane, who adjusts the way he’s sitting, slightly leaning in towards Evan, “it’s—erm—it’s Pettigrew.”

Dorcas gasps. And then freezes. She’s unsure if she can move—Evan and Peter—Peter and Evan. What? She stares at him, her eyes widened. She thought she knew him. She knows secrets. And lies. She knows it all. But this time—she didn’t.

She kind of felt as if her world was falling apart. As if she was going crazy. She loves Marlene, and now, she barely knows her friend. 

She felt as if she  was   going   insane—as if she didn’t want to be herself. Someone else.

Dane shrinks. She can see from the corner of his eyes. And she’s seen many kids in her life. And yet, not a single one of them looks smaller than he looks right now—Marlene is friends with Peter, Dorcas thinks. Evan is with someone who is friends with his sister.

He gets up. He rushes away. Benjy and Barty tighten, both of their eyes flying to each other. But she was sure that wasn’t because they felt awkward about this. 

Evan’s mouth drops, as if he’s about to say something. But he doesn’t. He stays silent. And Dorcas gets up to run after him. She shoots a glare at Evan, before leaving the three boys alone. 

“Dane!” She calls out, beginning to pick up her speed, when she realises he wasn’t going to listen to her, “DANE!” She shouts out, again, putting every bit of energy she has into her scream. He stops. “I know,” she puts her hands on his shoulders. “I know that you’re upset because he’s with somebody who’s friends with Marlene, and you’re allowed—“

“What the fuck has she got to do with this?” He snaps his head over to her, as she watches a tear roll down his cheek. “I know you hate her, but she’s my sister, and she’s got nothing to do with this bullshit.”

“I—I—what?” She shakes her head, taken aback that it wasn’t about Marlene. And it most definitely showed on her face that she was surprised. “I thought—I thought that if he got with someone who is close with your sister—it would feel like he betrayed you.”

“Merlin, Barty could be in love with her for all I care!” He throws his arms up, collapsing into the seat behind him. “It wouldn’t hurt as much as this is.”

“But—why?” She blinks, surprised. “I mean—surely it would hurt if someone got with Marlene, right? Like—unless it’s Peter that you’re..” And she stops. “In love with.”

“No,” he says.

“Evan,” she manages, barely.

He doesn’t answer. 

The   silence. It’s loud.

It says more than he ever could. 

He runs his hands through his hair, squeezing his eyes shut. And oh no, she feels herself breaking. Marlene. She was mean to her for nothing. She watched Marlene break today, and now she’s watching Dane break right before her eyes.

“You’re in love with him,” she says. But it wasn’t a question. She stares at him. He has his face covered by his hands. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I knew he didn’t love me back.”

“No—why didn’t you say anything to me, Dane? I could’ve helped you—I would've—I could’ve done more—you didn’t have to go through it alone, you didn’t have to suffer in silence—“

“Oh my god, Dorcas—you do!” He stands up, his body towering over hers. “You do it all the time. You push every single person away from you just so they don’t see you suffer. There’s been so many times where I’ve tried to help you when you’ve been in a depressed state, but you just distance yourself from us. And then—when there’s something wrong with any of us, you’re never there. Because you hate to see us suffer. And that’s sweet. Whatever. But no, I couldn’t have told you because you would be nowhere to be seen!” 

“It wouldn’t be like that with you,” she says, quietly. “You’re my best friend. You’ve never let me down, Dane. I would never let myself let you down.”

“Oh, is that right?” He sighs, walking back and forth, and his breathing has sped up. 

“Your anxiety is bad now, isn’t it?”

“How would you know? Hm?”

“Because,” she snaps. “Because I’ve never distanced myself from you in hard times, so don’t you ever tell me that I’ve done that. Because I would never do that to you, especiallyyou.”

He sighs again. He drops back into the chair, and he cries into his hands. She walks over to him, sitting closer, stretching her arm around him, and holding him close to her. She can feel her shirt beginning to stain with tears, but she didn’t care. She would hold him to the very end—and she wanted to kill Evan for ever hurting Dane. 

“I swear to Merlin, Dorcas, if you ever ditch me—“

“That will never happen. I swear.”

And she wanted to desperately tell Dane—that she was in love with Marlene. But she would rather go insane than break his heart even more