Illicit Affairs

Dorcas Meadowes POV: Part Two

Dorcas sat down on the floor, her head resting on the railing of the Astronomy Tower; she watched the world below her, seeing everything that seemed so huge before, seem so small—she found joy from it; seeing things from a perspective she hadn’t before. 

Marlene laid her legs out on the ground, looking not at the view, but at Dorcas instead. She watched her. As if there was nothing else in this world to do. She watched her as if her life depended on it, and Dorcas felt the heat rising in her body—unsure if it was the alcohol, or something else.

We need each other, Marlene had said to her only minutes before as they walked up to the Astronomy Tower. Dorcas repeated these words in her mind. Way more times than she would’ve liked to. 

“So, Meadowes, care to add onto our Solar Eclipse metaphor?” Marlene said, finally, her gaze rolling over to Dorcas who couldn’t help but grin—they’d created the metaphor as they walked up. She’d never enjoyed talking to somebody the way she did, then. And what made it worse, was the best conversation she’d ever had with anybody was her best friend’s sister, and enemy.

“No. I like where we left it, don’t you?”

“Oh, er—yeah—yeah, I suppose so,” she shook her head quickly, turning away from Dorcas. She’d been sending her weird messages all night, and Dorcas wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do with that. But she did know she was going to go back to normal tomorrow. “Did you start drinking before you even saw me?” 

Dorcas shut her eyes, yes. 

But, it wasn’t never because she found Marlene unbearable—she did find her unbearable, but it wasn’t because of that. 

“Yes, I did.”

She laughed, sadly. “Was it because of me? Because I personally don’t think I’m that bad.”

“Oh, McKinnon, you are certainly that bad,” She mumbled with her head on the pole behind her, her eyes fluttering shut. She was drunk. But she wasn’t that drunk. She may have been playing it on a bit, so whatever she did tonight, Marlene wouldn’t think much of it. “But it wasn’t because of you, so you can take your self pity elsewhere.”

“Meadowes, always so sweet, aren’t you?” Marlene drawled, with her own head pressed up against the railing. Her gaze felt so intense, and yet so comforting, as the two girls watched each other in silence—something had changed in Dorcas the moment she entered the Astronomy Tower at the beginning. But it wasn’t her that changed. It was Marlene. 

“Absolutely,” she smiled, and shook her head as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Marlene chuckled, looking away from her. “But I’d never want to be sweet to you, so just know it’s the alcohol.”

Marlene’s eyes shot down to her feet. “You mean, Dorcas Meadowes— the girl who used to insult me, and still does to this day, said she’d rather spend her life alone than spend any more time with me than she already had, would ever be nice to me whilst she’s sober. Yes, Meadowes, I know it’s the alcohol.”

Dorcas laughed, her shoulders rising, and dropping back down. “I’m glad.”

“ Merlin , do you remember when you said that to me?” Marlene had a smile plastered amongst her face; one Dorcas had never taken a proper look at. One she’d never really seen on Marlene’s face whilst she was talking to her. 

“Yes,” she nodded. Yes, she definitely did. She could write a book about her and Marlene. Every conversation she’d ever had with Dorcas held an unfortunately special place in her mind, and one where she could recite every word they’d ever spoken to each other. 

“I asked you, wanna play tag with me, and then you said—“

“ No, I would rather spend the rest of my life, nay, I would rather get drowned by the Giant Squid than spend any more time with you.”

“You were so mean.”

“And you laughed at me when I said that. You shrugged your shoulders, with that stupid grin on your face, and just ran away. You know how confused I was after that?”

Marlene ran a hand through her hair, twirling it around her finger as she grinned, staring into space. “I just figured you didn’t know how to make friends, and it was quite funny actually. You’ve always made me laugh in ways that other people couldn’t.”

“Ways where I basically told you that I would rather die than be your friend, yes.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t really mind when you were mean to me, you know?” 

Dorcas didn’t. She didn’t know why anybody would like it when somebody was mean to them. 

“So many people were always so nice to me, always sucking up to me, everyone wanted to be my friend. Except you. You didn’t. Which was a bit different. After that, you were the girl who sat on the swing with a different book in her hand every day, the girl who avoided everyone at all costs. Until my brother came along, of course. And then I’d see you around at home, but you avoided me, at that point. You were always so confusing. But I kind of—liked that about—you. I suppose.”

“Liked something about me, did you?” 

“Shut uuuup,” she groaned, covering her face with her hands. 

She liked something about Marlene, too. 

“No, I want to hear everything,” Dorcas pushed herself up, moving herself closer to Marlene. She grinned. That stupid grin. 

“Ok, I’ll tell you a secret?”

“My favourite thing, go on.”

“When we did that first competition in Potions, I wanted to impress you, but I lost, so I tried to, again.”

Dorcas threw her head back. “No?!” 

“It’s, very unfortunately, true.”

“You’ve made a girl very happy. Basically admitting that I’m better than you.”

“Dorcas, Dorcas, Dorcas, I never did and never will say that, because I must not tell lies.”

“Yes you must not, because you just told the truth, thank you for that.”

“I hate you,” Marlene rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her legs. 

“Now, now, don’t mistake hate for jealousy, it’s ok. No one’s judging you.”

Marlene stayed silent, and Dorcas did, too, listening to the sound of music so far in the distance, it sounded like whispers. She was close; so close she could feel the warmth of Marlene’s body against her own—Marlene really was the Sun—you couldn’t ignore her if you tried. 

She was close. Dorcas thought again. Her knee rested against Marlene’s thigh, she didn’t even feel as if she had to move it. She just let it lie there, feeling the touch of her skin. 

She wanted her. She really did. She moved her hand slightly, her fingers attempting to reach out to Marlene—who looked up at this moment. Dorcas had never really seen Marlene’s eyes the way she did; she was watching them now; the brightest blue eyes she’d ever laid eyes on. 

For a moment, she could’ve sworn Marlene was leaning into her. Just for a moment, she felt every single worry that had entered her every single minute of the day just disappear . And she had realised maybe Marlene was the solution to all of it. As if she needed this. 

They heard laughter from the stairs below, and almost immediately sprung apart from each other, and some part of Dorcas was relieved. Another part of her was disappointed—a part that she’d never speak about aloud. But she really did want Marlene. As much as she’d wanted to deny that, all she had to do was spend one night with her, one on one, and she found herself falling.

“Oh, hello,” Benjy smiled; Dorcas had never really talked to him before. Her mouth fell open once she watched Barty walk out from behind him. The strong smell of fire whiskey filled the room. “I’m finding Barty a girlfriend—either of you desperate enough to get with him… Probably not, you’re both lesbian, aren’t ya?”

“Er—“

“This reminds me of someone. Sybill Trelawney. She’s got dark hair, you said you liked that, right?” Benjy rushed through his words—a fun drunk, he was. He didn’t allow Barty to speak again. “Oh yes, maybe we should go to her?” 

“I also said funny, Trelawney is funny, but she’s also a bit…Weird?”

“The only person you laugh around is me, darling ,” Benjy said, crossing his arms over his chest, as he put all of his body weight onto one side of his body, sitting on his hip. “I need to find somebody as well, don’t you think?”

Marlene cleared her throat, “why don’t you go out with each other?” She turned to Dorcas, winking at her. 

“Crouch is not gay, are you?” Benjy said. She wanted to laugh—how does she think Barty went out with Remus? Maybe as friends. She made a mental note to keep that one for later.

“Erm—“

“See.”

“He didn’t say anything,” Dorcas said, standing up from the floor. She glanced at Marlene, unable to really look at her; not after what happened a few moments before. What people would call, an almost kiss. “Maybe you should let him speak.”

Barty was her best friend; he had a lot to say, though he never really spoke what he was thinking. He had feelings, and emotions that he bottled up inside, and hid from the rest of the world, because would anybody ever really care?

He kept all of it to himself because he thought it wasn’t worthy of being spoken aloud, and oh, what Dorcas would do to change all of it—he was ashamed of being gay. She knew this. The way he never truly had feelings for women, but could stare at men for hours. He was ashamed; believing truly that he was not normal. 

If only, he would tell her, so she could help him.

If only, he would tell Benjy about the way he stares at him in whatever class they shared, and when he was around, he was unable to focus properly. 

If only, Barty would tell Benjy that he never stops thinking about him, and finds himself attempting to bring him up in every conversation. 

And oh, if only Barty would just tell Benjy about the stolen glances, the fantasies, the scenarios where Barty was able to be unashamed, and open with his love toward Benjy. 

Because it wasn’t just teenage romance— she’d never seen two people, not even Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, so in love, and so terrified of admitting it.

“I’m not gay,” Barty says, finally, and Dorcas feels her body shrink with disappointment. With so much anger that he’d allowed the world to make him believe that what he felt wasn’t right. “I—I want a—a girlfriend.”

“ See, ” Benjy repeats again. And no, Dorcas isn’t seeing what he does. She sees a boy so unfortunately, and unbelievably ashamed because he’s in love with a boy. 

And not just any boy. 

He’s in love with the one who’s standing only metres away from him, in the same room—the one whom he stares at when he knows he isn’t looking. And how she wishes that one day, Benjy will catch him staring. He will catch the gaze so full of love. 

“Right,” Dorcas glared. Not at Benjy; because that poor man is so in love with Barty, himself—it was so obvious. So clear to everybody else but them. But she was glaring at Barty—she wanted to hint to him that she knew. “Well then go on, Barty, what kind of girlfriend do you want?” She tilted her head. 

“Yeah Barty,” Marlene placed her arm on Dorcas’ shoulder, as if they were detectives, and partners at all times—and at that moment, Dorcas never wanted to move. She wanted to die right there. She wanted to die if it meant that Marlene was the last person who got to touch her last. She closed her eyes, dropping her gaze to her feet. How could she allow herself to feel this way?

“Not sure,” he shook his head. Dorcas crossed her arms, glancing at Marlene again. “ You’re a cute pair,” Barty said, as she realised this was now a competition. 

“I am cute, thanks,” Dorcas ran her tongue over her teeth, tapping her foot on the ground of the Astronomy Tower. 

“Yep,” Marlene added. “I am, too.”

“Glad you think I’m cute, McKinnon, but you aren’t, but if you makes you feel better—“

“Eugh, shush,” she scoffed, nudging her with her shoulder softly. 

“But, you and Benjy, you two are what we shall all aim to be,” Dorcas pointed at them, smirking at him; that’s what Slytherins should be—sly, smart, and of course, a total and utter shit friend when you have to be. 

Benjy laughed, slightly snorting at the end. “Baby Crouch here is not queer,” he has his hands on Barty’s shoulders, and a grin on his face; he was staring at him, watching him, yearning for the touch of him. He clenched his hands into fists, swallowing. “Erm, anyways, we really need to find somebody, Marlene, Meadowes, loves, are you two in?”

“Erm, of course we are,” Marlene smiled, jumping over to him. She pulled Dorcas’ hand, as she felt a rush of heat flush through body, letting herself grin. “Now, I’m not entirely sure if Dorcas knows anything about matchmaking, because she’s never been on a date with anybody for…Obvious reasons.”

“I’m on a date right now, McKinnon,” Dorcas furrowed her eyebrows at her, placing her hands on her hips. 

“Oh,” she cleared her throat. “Yeah—yeah right.”

“Erm…Ok then,” Benjy sat down, crossing his legs. He smiled, gesturing to the ground around them. “Take a seat, sweetheart,” he said to Barty; Dorcas noticed Barty’s cheeks turned a bright pink, as he listened to his words. “And you two, lovebirds.”

“We’re not lovebirds!” Dorcas snatched her hand away from Marlene, sitting beside Barty. “Sit down, McKinnon, or do we need to do a step-by-step tutorial for you?”

“I know to sit down!” She crossed her arms, dropping to the ground, begrudgingly. “Now, Benjy, do you have a…”

“Boyfriend,” Benjy confirmed for her. “And no, no one wants to date the boy who gets bullied for being gay, and the loser who has no friends. But it’s fine. I’m sure it’ll happen eventually.”

“Well fuck them, right?” Barty leaned closer to Benjy. “You’re better than them. You can make me laugh, remember?” 

“Is that what qualifies to be the best around here? Able to make Barty Crouch laugh?” 

“Yeah,” he squinted his eyes, letting a grin grow onto his face, one corner of his lip curved up. He leaned closer to Benjy, as he rolled his eyes looking away from him, laughing. Marlene and Dorcas shared a look, raising their eyebrows at each other. 

“Maybe you should date me, then,” Benjy states, staring at Barty, hopefully. Though, he said it as if it was a joke, but it wasn’t one. It was painful watching them want each other so much, and not being able to do anything about it. “I was—kidding—I was joking. I wasn’t being—“

“Yeah—yeah, I know,” Barty stuttered, scratching the back of his neck, as he tucked his lips in, biting his bottom lip.

“So Sybill Trelawney is off the list?”

“She was never on it.”

“Erm, what about Pandora Lestrange?” He asked; not hopefully. He didn’t want him to say yes, Dorcas could tell that much. “She’s quite pretty, I think.”

“No, she doesn’t date anybody, never likes anyone. I don’t know why, but she told me she doesn’t feel attraction towards anybody, and I’m not going to try and change that.”

“See ladies, Barty Crouch can be sweet in secret,” Benjy says. “Respectful, I suppose. Well…There’s also Emmeline Vance.”

“She won’t like Barty,” Dorcas erupted suddenly. She felt her cheeks warming up. “It’s got nothing to do with you, she just won’t be into you the way you think.”

“So she’s off the list then. What about—Dolores Umbridge?”

“Absolutely not. She’s a meddling piece of shit, and she’s a bully, I’ve heard what she’s said to you, Benjy,” Barty glared, a grimace on his face whilst thinking about it—Dorcas smiled. Or wanted to—imagine somebody refusing to go with somebody because they were mean to you? How did Benjy not realise?

Benjy grinned softly, the corners of his mouth turning up. He bit his bottom lip, turning down to his feet, “oh well, thanks, Crouch. You didn’t say anything to her, though, so,” he shrugged his shoulders.

“ Not when you were watching ,” Barty mumbled beneath his breath. He’s watching his feet, as if he didn’t mean for Benjy to hear—and Dorcas knows that he didn’t mean for him to hear him. But Benjy’s smile grew uncontrollably on his face. 

“You’re a shit-stirrer, Crouch. Shut up,” he looked up, gazing at Barty. 

“Do you need us to go?” Marlene pointed down to the door. Benjy snapped his head towards her, scratching the back of his neck. Barty shook his head quickly. “I probably should get Meadowes to bed, though, anyways.”

“Oh,” Benjy smiled, attempting to hide it from Barty. Dorcas jumped up, willingly, following Marlene down the stairs. 

“Now we should probably get you some water,” Marlene told Dorcas. “Unless you’d be ok being really hungover tomorrow.”

“Oh, no thanks.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought—maybe I should sneak back into the party and grab some water bottles there were on that table.”

Dorcas sniggered, crossing her arms, “I’d like to see you go in and out without being noticed by anybody.”

“Please,” Marlene smirked. “I could go in and out without being noticed, and get more than one water bottle too.”

“Challenge accepted, McKinnon,” Dorcas said, realising what Marlene was implying. 

Of course. You could always count on Marlene McKinnon to never change. Probably think she’s too good to change—Dorcas thought to make a mental note so she can use that one later.

“We have to be in there for at least five minutes, and come out with at least five bottles of water each, and we can’t be noticed by anyone.”

“Deal, so when is this five minutes going to start?” 

“Now. Let’s go,” Dorcas started walking away, towards the door. She placed her hand on the door knob. “Meet out here in five minutes?”

“Yep, let’s go.” 

She opened the door, and the two girls separated, neither of them in sight of each other. Dorcas headed in one direction of the room, bunching into groups of people, before quickly moving from one to another. She met Marlene at the table, at the exact same time as her. 

“Anyone see you yet, Sun?” Dorcas started grabbing the bottles, sliding them onto her arm.

“No, not yet, what about you, Moon?”

“No, never do,” she winked at Marlene as she walked away from her again, with the five bottles of water in her arms. She rushes through the crowd, slowly down, speeding up, ducking; anything she can to avoid being seen, and she wondered how Marlene was going. 

She glanced one last time before leaving, seeing Marlene rushing towards the door, looking around the room. Dorcas smiled once they saw each other. Marlene caught her on the way out, as they left the room beside each other.

“Fuck,” she sighed, pressing her back against the wall—she had to admit, she was kind of relieved that no one had seen her or Marlene—not that they would’ve gotten into trouble for going to a party she got invited to. 

Before she knew it, before she could think, before she could take another breath, Marlene had her body against Dorcas’, and her mouth pressed against hers. Her hands dropped down to Marlene’s hips, squeezing as she pulled her closer—she wasn’t thinking, allowing this to happen, as Marlene’s hands slid up her body, resting her hands below both of Dorcas’ ears. 

Dorcas pulled away. She stared for a moment, completely out of breath. For many reasons. She hadn’t breathed for a few moments, and she’d never felt this kind of looseness in her chest. As if she’d done the completely right thing, and yet the completely wrong thing. Marlene stared at her, a frown on her face. 

“I’m so sorry, Meadowes, I’m so sorry,” she repeated, and Dorcas was unable to speak aloud. Marlene McKinnon established this, Dorcas didn’t. She may have kissed her back, but she didn’t establish it. That’s all she needed to keep herself sane. She wiped her mouth, turning around—she was unable to look at her. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean—I’m really—“

“It’s—not fine,” Dorcas bit her bottom lip, wanting more than anything to experience it longer—but there’s something about falling for the wrong person. Because Marlene really was the sun, and Dorcas was the moon; meant to be together in every reality, because the moon needs the sun to survive, but does the sun need the moon the same way the moon needs the sun. She had no idea. 

But she was sure, there was no chance Marlene would fall for her the same way Dorcas did for her. 

“I’ve never liked you, McKinnon,” she says.

And the thing is, she really did think it through. She wanted Marlene gone. She wanted Marlene here. She wanted Marlene. She wanted her so bad. She wanted her so bad that she needed her gone. 

“I never have, and I—I never will,” she walked off, rushing through the halls. 

Her eyes burned as her heart broke; she wouldn’t allow herself to believe she had a chance with someone like that. 

She’d never be enough. She wasn’t enough to keep her brother at home with her. She wasn’t enough for her parents to love her. 

She wasn’t even enough for herself. 

How could she ever be enough for someone like Marlene McKinnon?