Illicit Affairs

Lily Evans POV: Part Three

Lily Evans woke up on the couch of the Gryffindor Common Room on Monday morning.

She sat up slowly, squeezing her eyes shut, and pressing the tips of her fingers against her eyes—she hadn’t gotten enough sleep, and she was pretty sure she had drunk a bit the night before as well. 

She and Remus spent the rest of the night together in the common room so Barty and Benjy could go off together, and it was always a good time with Remus. Laughing, putting on shows, dancing, imitating people, and she smiled remembering the fun they had, and the new inside jokes they had made the night before.

Remus laid on the floor, one arm and one leg stretched out, and his mouth rested slightly open. He still had a tie wrapped around his head from when he imitated Sirius Black the night before—and she had to admit, he looked worse than she felt if she was being completely honest.

She tapped his leg with her foot. He answered with a groan. 

“Remus, we should probably get out of the common room now, maybe we can go get your favourite for breakfast—Pancakes? Chocolate topping?” 

“Hmm,” he groaned again, and then rolled onto his back, whispering. “That does sound nice.”

“I know,” she grinned at him, pulling his arms, as she helped him to stand up. He smiled back at her, dropping his head onto her shoulder once they both dropped back onto the couch, dramatically. 

He took a deep breath; just as he did the night before, when he told her that he still loved Sirius, and that he wanted more than anything to push him up against a wall, and kiss him until they both ran out of breath.

She adjusted the way she was sitting, stretching one arm around him, remembering when she told him about Mary, and how she wanted to do exactly the same, and that if she was ever going to have her first real passionate kiss, she wanted it more than anything to be with somebody she really liked, the way she liked Mary. How she would find any way to just kiss Mary once, and for Mary to feel the same way about her. 

“Remember last night,” he laughed. “Merlin, we were drunk.”

“And most unfortunately, we were too honest.”

“Mhm, never again, I think.”

“Definitely agree if I’m being honest now,” Lily rested her head on top of his, twisted her fingers around his hand, squeezing. “You know—what Sirius did was absolutely horrible, and there’s a part of me that will never forgive him, but—if you love him, I won’t try to convince you otherwise. And—it’s not as if you have to immediately date him, one step at a time, my love.”

“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do,” he choked. “I—I do love him. But I can never really forgive him—he almost killed Snape. He almost exposed me to the rest of the school. I almost got kicked out of the first place that felt like home.”

“That was partly Sev’s fault as well,” her shoulders shrunk into her body, crossing one leg over the other. “He didn’t have to, but he wanted to get you kicked out. I—I’m so sorry for being friends with him.”

“Lily, you like him the same way we all love you, it’s your choice who you would like to be friends with, and I hope I never guilt you into thinking any different. You can make your own choices.” 

She sighed. “Yes, Remus, I know. I know. I know.” She smiled, tucking her hair behind her ears. “It’s a shame you only allow certain people to be your friend, you’re too good for this world.”

“And you—you’re too pure for this world, Lily, and yet here you are, before my eyes—I couldn’t imagine what I’d ever do without you. Probably die.”

“Don’t say that,” she nudged him softly, leaning toward him. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

He scoffs. 

“It’s true, Remus, and you know, the majority of the time, I’m not a sappy, sweet piece of shit that everyone thinks is way too good. I am a people pleaser; we all know that, but you know who I actually am, and I’m not like I act in front of everyone else, so if I compliment you, surprise, you’re very special to me.”

“Yes, Lily, you’re a bitch. That’s how you and Marls became friends,” he placed his chin on her shoulder, and she turned to him, pushing her head back as she rolled her eyes at him pouting, pushing his bottom lip out. 

“Excuse me?!” Marlene had her hands around her hips, walking over to them smirking—but there was something sad about it. Her eyebags darkened today, and she could barely hold her eyes open—as if she’d barely gotten any sleep. As if she cried the night before. “I’m a very kind person.”

“To whom, exactly?” Remus laughed, as he lounged on the couch, watching her as she collapsed beside Lily with the same smirk spread across her face. 

“People,” she crossed her arms. “Hey, erm, guess what happened last night?”

“Please don’t make me guess, I’m too hungover for that shit,” Remus sighed, as he dropped his head into Lily’s lap. 

“I kissed Dorcas Meadowes.”

“You what?!” Remus and Lily snapped their heads over to her, speaking in unison, as their mouths fell open. They gaped at her as if their world had just been turned upside down. She widened her arms, avoiding the gaze of the two of them. 

“Erm, you’ve got to tell us everything,” Lily said. “I mean, I always knew it was going to happen, but last night?! Marlene, I’m so happy for you!” 

“Don’t be,” Marlene groaned, dropping her face into her hands, burying herself, as if she wanted to hide forever. “She told me she’s never liked me—never has, never will. What am I supposed to do now?”

“Pretend it never happened?” Remus shrugged. “That’s what I did with Sirius after everything that happened that night. I suppose you could do that with Dorcas.”

“Remus!” Lily punched him in the arm, as his arm flew to the spot that she had clearly punched him. “We should not encourage unhealthy coping mechanisms!”

“Says the one who likes her best friend and is too scared to tell her for some reason,” he mumbled, poking his tongue at her. “Did she kiss you back?” 

“Yes—I think—I mean—it lasted longer than three seconds. That’s like the ultimate rule, right? Like—if a kiss lasts longer than three seconds, you’ve had enough time to process what you’re doing. So—we definitely—she kissed me back. But then—then she said that—which honestly is a bit confusing after snogging me on the mouth for longer than three seconds.”

“Wow,” Lily gaped, shutting her eyes for a few moments. She was so invested she almost forgot how tired she was—until she blinked. And then, it hit her like a train. “So, what do we do, now?”

“I’ll maybe try to talk to her,” she shrugs—and of course Marlene would attempt to talk to her. Bigger balls than the rest of the year. More confident than anybody she’d ever known. But also unfortunately dishonest. Not that she lied. Moreover, she refused to admit she wasn’t completely ok—she’s never spoken about her brothers. Nothing.

“Yeah—yeah, you should do that,” Lily nodded, smiling at her. And she wished she was able to do that. She was able to pull Mary into a kiss, without fearing the aftermath that would follow, and the way she would speak to Dorcas afterwards. 

“Do you think I should talk to Sirius?” Remus says, eruptly, his shoulders sinking into his body, but rising in hope at the same time. 

And oh, how much he truly missed Sirius with every single fibre in his body. He really did, and Lily was able to tell by the way his eyes lit up whenever he spoke of Sirius, regardless of everything—because pain and suffering is every day, and Sirius Black was the reason Remus smiled to the point it hurt his face, the reason he was unable to contain his laughter, and the reason Remus stayed up late; unable to sleep because he was so happy. And the reason he didn’t shut up for months on end.

And god damn Sirius—Remus never smiled around people the way he let himself shyly grin around Sirius, but confident at the same time. He was so much himself around Sirius Black. And two months ago on Saturday, he’d completely broken his heart. 

“No, you’ve got to make him regret his existence first,” Marlene grabbed onto his hand, reaching across Lily. “Remus, don’t forgive him so easily—I know you like pleasing everybody, but I know you can do this. Not until…February, March.”

“You think I can actually do that?” Remus frowns. “What if I give in?”

“Then, you think about what he did to you, but you don’t think about it to the point it hurts so bad you can’t breathe, you just think to the point you know you can’t forgive him yet, and eventually, when the anger wares off, maybe, you should talk to him again—but if you talk to him whilst you still have so much pain inside you, it’ll never work, and it will end up happening all over again,” Marlene is in front of him know, bending down, as she looks up at him—Lily realises, she knows a thing or two about suffering. A thing or two about losing someone you love so deeply. Because that was her brother.

“What if—whenever I think about it—I still feel as if I have a storm being created inside me? Like—what if I still feel so much pain that I can barely contain it?” His eyes fill with tears, as Marlene and Lily watch him, comfort him. Lily reaches around him, pulling him closer, and Marlene sits on the other side, staring at him.

“Then it will hurt you more by attempting to act as if nothing happened between you and someone who’s really  hurt you.”

“Marls,” was all Remus said to answer her—it was, you’re right, and as if he was asking her why she knows so much. How she knows so much. 

“My,” she sighs. “My brother,” she murmurs, only barely getting it out, as she lets out a heavy sigh. “I used to be really close to him, something happened between us. It was a fight. He said something to me. It really hurt me—I tried to pretend it didn’t happen, and it just ended up creating a bigger issue inside me. So—now I haven’t forgiven him, and there is some part of me that feels relieved; neutral about that decision, but there’s another part that—just wants my brother, my best friend, my twin, back.”

Lily was sure she’d never heard more words come out of Marlene’s mouth that were completely, and absolutely honest. As if she’d been given verita serum, and asked what her deepest secret was—because she’d never spoken about her brother with no filter. She wiped the tear off her cheek, laughing as she looked back. 

“Never saying more than that,” Marlene shook her head. 

“You should tell us more,” Lily frowned. “If you’re comfortable, of course.”

“No,” she says quickly. “No, because Lily; you have so much going on at home, with your sister, and bullying from some people where they call you stupid names, and Remus, you have full moons and shit that I don’t have. I can't—I don’t want to burden you when you’ve already got so much shit going on.”

“You’re not burdening us,” Remus told her, quickly, as if he’d never heard anything so completely deranged, and crazy. “I used to think that I was burdening James, Pete and Sirius with everything, but—they chose me over leaving. And, you aren’t a burden, alright? You’re our friend, we would be so happy to hear about it. Mary would, too.”

“Yes, and I know that, because Mary is the most pure person that there is out there. Even if people think she isn’t because she has so many guys after her, and how could someone with the amount of people who’s asked her out be so pure, because she’s Mary. And she’d be almost relieved that you were able to confide in her. She’d be so upset for you, but so happy, because you felt comfortable enough to share what’s wrong,” Lily ranted.

“Jesus Fucking Christ, Evans,” Marlene’s mouth fell open, her eyes widened. “You really fucking like her, don’t you?”

She shrugged her shoulders, chuckling softly.

Yes. Of course she did. Fucking of course. Because why would she choose suffering over happiness? Why would she choose the girl who’s never cared about her more than just a friend over the boy who’s been after her for years? 

Of course, James wasn’t just after her, after she noticed his obvious pining over Regulus Black. But that wasn’t entirely the point—she could’ve agreed ages ago. She could’ve asked him out, and they would’ve fit together better than she and Mary ever could. 

People would smile at her and James, and think, what a cute pair. And people would glare at her and Mary and think; dykes.

Not to mention, the non-reciprocated feelings of intense pining towards Mary, and the secret feelings she felt for her, knowing well and truly that she would never feel closely the same as Lily did for her. 

She left the common room with Marlene by her side, as Remus refused to leave his room without changing into different clothes—Lily and Marlene knew barely anybody was actually at school, so they saw no problem with going down. 

They entered to find Evan and Dorcas looking basically dead, Evan’s face pale, and Dorcas’ eyebags darkened, just as Remus’ did when he was hungover, and tired—Barty and Benjy sat beside the two, speaking to each other; Benjy’s face was slightly green, Lily was able to tell, and  Barty was speaking to him in a low voice. 

Dorcas froze once she saw Marlene enter the Great Hall, as if she began to remember everything from the night before. She stroked her hand over the top of her head, shaking her head, as she grabbed Evan, basically running for the winds. 

“Fuck,” Marlene sighed.

Barty’s leg began to bob under the table, as Benjy threw his head back, laughing—Lily knows—she found out the night before. Barty and Remus had created a plan; Barty was attempting to make Benjy jealous, so that maybe he would confess instead of Barty doing so. But Benjy thought they went as friends. 

Remus needed to make Sirius angry, and what better way to do it than Sirius’ brother’s best friend asking him out—he told Lily he thought it was basically genius, clearly quite proud of himself. Lily just smiled whilst she listened, but she knew—she knew how it felt to be completely and utterly in love with somebody, and unable to tell them.

Barty and Benjy’s case was different to hers though. They were never really friends. But they never looked more like friends than right now, as a smile upon Benjy's face, and Barty’s shoulder sinking into his body, admiring Benjy from where he was sitting. As if he’d never seen anything so flawless. So beautiful. 

But then again, Lily thought, he probably hadn’t seen anyone like Benjy—the same way Lily had never seen anyone like Mary, the same way Remus had never seen anybody like Sirius, the same way Regulus and James stared at each other from across the corridors, and the same way Dorcas and Marlene want each other so deeply. 

“At least Barty got his end,” Remus groaned as he walked past the two girls who were frozen in the middle of the hall. He took a seat at the edge of the table, grabbing the pancakes that Hogwarts made especially at Christmas time, because barely anybody was there, and they weren’t spending Christmas with their family. 

Marlene chased after him, sliding into the seat beside him, “he didn’t. He didn’t get his end. Benjy doesn’t think he’s queer,” she shook her head, rapidly. “So shall we do the gay thing, and meddle in it?”

“I would love to be involved in the gay things,” Lily sighed, her hands on the table as she lowered herself into the chair. 

“Who said you weren’t involved?” Marlene smiled. “Ok, so Lily, you cheesy hopeless romantic, what are your ideas?”

“Erm, excuse me? ‘cheesy hopeless romantic’, says the girl who kissed the girl she’s been competing with for years, but actually likes her, on the Astronomy Tower!” Lily crosses her arms over the table, staring at Marlene. 

“It wasn’t at the Astronomy Tower,” she confirms. “But we almost kissed there.”

“You what?!” Lily and Remus said, as they did when they were back in the Common Room. 

“Can’t wait for Mary to get back you prudes.” 

“Just ‘cause you’re a slag who almost kisses a girl in the most romantic place in the school, and then actually kisses her in a less romantic place,” Lily says, and Marlene gasps—jokingly, of course. And Lily is joking too. She’d never call Marlene a slag for real. 

“Excuse you?!” She places a hand over her chest, a smile growing on her face. “Anyways,” she shoots a glare at Lily. “Let’s back to our meddling.”

“Oh yes, of course,” Lily grinned, as she looked over to Remus, and Marlene followed her lead, staring at him, waiting for his agreement. 

“Ok fine!” He runs his hand through his hair, sighing. “I do love to meddle in other people's love life, if I’m being honest.”

Lily gasped, “Honesty coming out of Remus Lupin’s mouth—I think the world’s ending, Marls,” she spread her arms out, glancing around the hall, as if she was making sure they weren’t dying.

“Me too,” she lets her mouth fall open, sarcastically, with a smile spread across her face at the same time. 

Lily loved them. She loved the way Remus agreed to their nosy meddling into putting couples together; Frank and Alice being one of those examples, just because he saw how happy it made them to do so.

She loved the way Marlene’s face lit up in those conversations that they have when they’re talking about other people, and when she realised she could help other people. Especially other queer people.

And she especially loved the amount of energy Mary would add to the conversation if she was there, and how her jokes make them three burst out in laughter. And how she’d almost always get the librarian to get angry at them because they were unable to contain their laughter in there, because of her. 

Mary, Marlene, Remus and Lily used to study in the library together when everything was still well with him and Sirius—but now, they were almost together, and she could never be so honest about not minding something, because she loved them so, so much.

And this, Lily thinks, is what it’s like to have a chosen family.