Illicit Affairs

Mary Macdonald POV: Part Two

“Are you sure?” Mary asks Darcy; her best friend after Lily ditched, and forgot about her those years ago. But in all honesty, she didn’t know which one she’d rather be around. She’d probably choose both. Even if given the option. 

“Yes, Mary, you’re fit. Anyone will have you. Boys, girls ,” she adjusted the hair that sat just over Mary’s shoulders. She smiled at her, once their gaze met each other’s. “Just wondering, you’re ok with queer people, right?” 

She nodded quickly. “Yes, of course. Of course.”

It was a silly question really. Back at Hogwarts, (or in other words, her fancy, private school), she just happened to meet about five of them. And they were all her closest friends; Sirius, Remus, Marlene, Peter and Dorcas—two of them were on a date that night. Marlene and Dorcas. She wondered how it was going. 

“Right, that’s good, then,” she looked away quickly, avoiding Mary’s eyes. She shrugged, looking away from the taller girl. 

“So who’s going to be here tonight?” Mary asks, attempting to remember the names of everybody. 

“Isaiah, and William—they’re like…They fancy each other, though they refuse to admit it. And then we have Nicole and Jason, who are together. Grossly, by the way. Melissa and Christopher. Completely platonic. And I’m sure that’s everybody. Might want to be careful what you say around Isaiah though. That lad will make you regret your whole existence.”

“Noted,” she grinned, and Darcy, again, looked away from her quickly. As if looking at her was an awful sight. Mary frowned, did Darcy not like her anymore? “So how’s the past few months been? You’ve got to tell me everything about the people from school.”

“There really isn’t much to tell,” she shook her head. “It’s so boring without you, but I’ve got to say it’s been quite a breeze without Severus, that slimy creep, eugh.”

“Oh yeah, you don’t have to see him for almost a whole year, lucky bitch,” Mary smiled—Darcy would talk shit about people with people she actually likes, meaning she wasn’t angry with her, or didn’t hate her. “He’s worse at school.”

“Is he? What’s he done?” She leaned forward, curiously.

“Well you’ve got to promise not to tell?”

“Won’t tell if your life isn’t in danger, my love,” Darcy said, as Mary’s stomach turned. There was something too beautiful about the way she navigated herself through her sentences—Mary was jealous. 

“It’s not,” Mary said quickly, shaking her head. “Well his friend keeps asking me out. Has been since two years ago. I’ve said no. Have since two years ago. And then, this time, I told him I’d rather die than go out with him.”

“Bless!” Darcy shouted, throwing her hands up, immediately slapping them to her mouth afterwards. “You didn’t?!”

Mary grinned, nodding. “I did, and then he slammed my head into the wall,” the last sentence was quieter. Darcy’s smile dropped. 

“What the fuck?“ That was all she had to say for Mary to realise she shouldn’t have told her. She should’ve kept it to herself. “Mary, are you serious?”

“No, that’s my friend.”

“I’m not joking, Mary.”

“Yes he did, and I’ve been having nightmares about it, but they’ve stopped since I’ve gotten home. Nice knowing that my parents are here with me.”

“That’s absolutely horrid. Fuck him. Report him.”

“Nah, Darce, I promise it’s ok. I don’t want to cause any problems for anybody.”

“You’re not causing problems for anyone,” she states as if she was a professor teaching at Hogwarts, or the police officer that Darcy had to talk to a few years ago, whilst Mary sat beside her and Darcy’s mum at the station. “Mary, please tell somebody.”

“I’ve told Lily, it’s fine.”

“Oh,” she turns around in her seat, away from Mary, again . Why does she keep doing that? 

It didn’t matter, because a few minutes later, the two girls, and Jason, and Christopher, a few spaces behind them, were two boys, that she guessed was Isaiah, and William; whispering to each other. 

“Darcy darling!” Isaiah called out, throwing his hands up—immediately reminding Mary of Benjy Fenwick—one of her good friends. He was gay, too. He was often bullied for it; being the only openly gay boy at school, he copped it the most. “And is this the infamous Mary Macdonald?!”

“Indeed it is, Isaiah,” Mary bowed, hoping after she spoke that she guessed correctly. That it really was Isaiah.

“Wow! I’m just saying, from what Darcy has told us about you, apparently you’re great.”

She gasped, “can’t you just tell I’m great by looking at me?”

“Oh no, of course I can, especially by that. We need more arrogant knobs in this world, don’t we?”

“You’d love my friend James then.”

“Oh, I’m sure I would,” he winked. William scoffed behind them, and eventually they started walking into the cinema. Mary, and Isaiah linked arms as they walked in. “Now is he fit, or?” 

“Yeah, I suppose you could say that,” she shrugged her shoulders. When it came to James, Mary had never really seen him as more than a friend. It was strange. She looked back, as William snapped his head behind him, as if he wasn’t watching them. “So…Is there a special guy in your life?”

“Hmm, depends on what we’d define as special. Because if we’re talking about something certain, I have a few of them,” he whispered, shooting a wink back to William. 

“Is he…”

“Oh no, he’s not gay,” he tucked his lips in, giving Mary the look. “And I mean…He can be whatever he wants to be, but y’know…Gets a bit hard when you’re the one waiting around for him to figure out what the fuck he is…And it’s not that I have a problem with him figuring whatever is out. I just don’t like waiting.”

“You’re honest,” Mary nods, squinting her eyes as she studies him. “I like you.”

“I like you too, darling. So tell me, the first person who comes to mind, tell me about them.” 

“Well…” Lily. 

Lily. Lily. Lily. 

She missed her—it’d been days since she left Hogwarts, and wasn’t able to see her. She supposed Lily was busy getting ready for the Christmas party, which she seemed to be really excited for. Mary watched as Lily’s eyes lit up when somebody talked about it. Maybe because Lily had never been invited to a real party. Then, that made Mary excited, too. But she went with Benjy as a friend, so why couldn’t she have gone with Mary as a friend?

She realised that when it came to Lily, she became a bit possessive; might be the word for it. She never found herself like that with her other friends, but she supposed that was because Lily was the closest one.

“My best friend…Lily, you may know her. She lives close to us.”

“Hmm, redhead? Evans?”

“Yeah, yeah,” she says, quickly. “That’s the one.”

“She lives on my street. What about her?”

Coincidence, Mary thinks.

“I dunno. You told me the first person who came to mind, and she was the one who came to my mind,” Mary shrugs—maybe it was jealousy that got her. Maybe it was the fact that she chose Benjy over her. She didn’t care about Marlene and Remus not taking her—because Marlene was going with Dorcas, and Mary has been trying hard enough to get them together. And Remus; she didn’t know why, but she didn’t mind much when it came to him. But Lily. Why couldn’t she have asked her? 

“You like her, don’t you?”

“Erm, well no, I like boys.”

“Do you?” Isaiah asked her, as if it was the craziest thing ever. She nodded, slowly. “Then why didn’t a boy come to your mind?”

“I—I’m not sure, really,” she shook her head quickly. Because there’s no boy that is important to me that they compare with Lily—no one compares with Lily. She thought only. Because she was afraid what it might mean if she was so possessive over a girl friend, rather than a boy one. 

“It’s ok. You can figure it out when you’re ready,” he rubbed her shoulder, shooting her one last grin—that would stick with her forever. Only a few people are like Isaiah; tanned skin—probably mixed—a smile that wrinkles below his eyes, and one so wide, he had dimples. He was quite beautiful; Mary thought. And people that are beautiful, inside and out; they don’t get the time they deserve. 

“Oi, Lopez!” William called out—talking to Isaiah obviously. Mary smiled, as he ran off to him immediately. William swung his arm around him, being only a few inches taller than him. Darcy ran up to her; the rest of her friends followed her, too.

“So…Mary,” Melissa said to her, whilst Nicole and Jason made out with each other behind her. Christopher was beside Jason, attempting to look anymore but where the couple were snogging. “Tell us about yourself.”

“Erm, well, there isn’t really much to tell,” she shrugs. There wasn’t much to tell. She never found herself interesting; nothing but a pretty face, the boys would tell her once she rejected them. She supposed it could be a tactic to make her feel bad. But she wasn’t an interesting person. Probably would bore someone to death with the uninteresting thoughts that ran through her mind all day, every day. 

“You look interesting, surely you have interesting things to say,” Melissa insists. But Mary knows; nothing but a pretty face. 

It sucked, because when she was younger, when she found out she was a witch, when she stepped foot into Hogwarts; she thought she had so much to offer to the world. To the Muggle World, and the Wizarding World—she’d never gotten bad grades, except in Science. How she hated Science. 

It began sucking when she was in her third year; she’d recently turned thirteen. Boys and girls started to ask each other out, they called their dibs, and many of them chose Mary. She rejected them. Nothing but a pretty face, she would be told. And slowly, it ripped out a bit of confidence. 

She tried to get used to it, and as Lily would tell her, don’t let them take you away from yourself. But…Lily, as much as she was more than enough for Mary, her words weren’t enough. And she’d allow them to take a part of her away from each insult. 

“Maybe,” Mary chuckled, putting the pretty grin she’d practiced in the mirror many nights onto her face. Turning her head back to Darcy, she allowed her true smile onto her face once again. “But we should go in, shouldn’t we? It’s quite chilly.”

“Innit?!” Christopher shouts, immediately reminding her of Peter Pettigrew. In other words, the king of drama queens. Somehow every time she glanced in a certain direction, it would remind her of her friends back home. At Hogwarts. “Let’s go!” 

She stared at him, as he marched over to the door, shivering dramatically. 

He was lonely. 

She could tell by the way he stared back at Jason and Nicole, who were unable to keep their hands off each other. He watched them, not with a smile, and not with a glare. In the way that he wished for their type of romance. He shook his head in a you coming way, as the rest of them rushed up. 

Isaiah winked at her, whilst walking in, as she held it open for the rest of them. And he was the definition of having a lot to offer to the world. Yes, Mary was there, but he was everything. He had William, who cared about him. He had friends. He was everything and a pretty face. 

After the movie finished, they walked back out together, saying goodbyes as Nicole, Jason, and Christopher headed a certain way; all of them staying together that night. Melissa rushed to her mother’s car, and Isaiah, and William were staying at Darcy’s that night, along with Mary. 

“So how’d you like the movie, ladies?” William asked, his hand brushing against Isaiah’s hand. Longing for his touch. She recognised this. She’d be able to recognise this if she saw it from a mile away. It was as if she was watching Remus and Sirius before they came to terms with how they felt. And oh, how she felt watching them wanting each other, deeply relating for an unknown reason. 

“It was alright,” Darcy shrugged, swinging her arm around Mary. “What about you, Mary?”

“Erm, I don’t really like thrillers, to be honest. I don’t like the anxiety it gives me.”

“You, and me both, darl,” Isaiah sighs, gazing up at the sky; and not a star was in sight. “Too bad, I’d watch it willingly if I had a boyfriend, but William forced me to come tonight…Happy I did though, wouldn’t have met you, Mary. My soulmate now.”

Mary jumped over to him, Darcy’s arm sliding down her back, slowly inching toward William, as the group bunched back together, attempting to not freeze to death. 

“So glad I met you too, Isaiah.”

“And why do you want a boyfriend, Isaiah?” William turned to him, glaring. Jealousy. Anger. Offended that he implied he didn’t have a boyfriend. 

“Is there something wrong with that?”

“No,” he snapped, crossing his arms over his chest. Mary, and Darcy raised their eyebrows at each other, looking away from them. Never had she seen two people so determined to hide their feelings from each other. Not even Sirius and Remus. “I was just saying.”

“Just saying what?!”

“Nothing, don’t worry!” He threw his hands up.

“Are you saying that I can’t get a boyfriend?”

“No, I literally never said that,” William laughed; not an actual laugh. A sarcastic laugh. He narrowed his eyes on Isaiah. 

“That’s what you were implying!”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Why are you two arguing again?!” Darcy shouted, running her hands through her hair. She rolled her eyes, stepping in front of them. “You’re so determined to try to convince each other— and yourselves —that you don’t have feelings for each other, and you’re just hurting each other in the process. I’m so sick of this!” Mary had never seen Darcy like that. “Now, William, be honest, do you fancy Isaiah?”

He stayed silent for a moment, his eyes shooting to his feet, and then; “Yes,” he said, firmly. 

“Isaiah, do you fancy William?”

“Yes,” were all the words he spoke, like William did. 

“Ok! Well for fuck’s sake, let’s walk back now, without any arguments,” Darcy turned around, leaving them behind, as she rushed off. William and Isaiah glanced at each other, before their hands rushed to the back of their necks; blushing, and embarrassed. 

“Wow, Darce, impressive,” Mary whispered once she’d caught up to her. 

“I know,” she smiled; Darcy and her mischievous grin. Like the Cheshire cat. “Let’s walk quicker. Leave these two to snog. Or some shit.”

William glared at her, as the two sped up, stomping through the snow. Mary glanced at Darcy, whose cheeks and nose were a bright pink. She rubs her hands together, letting out a shaky sigh. She smiles once her gaze catches Mary’s.

“Yes, Mare?”

“No. Nothing,” she shakes her head rapidly. Very convincing, Mary, fucking brilliant you are, Lily’s voice tells her. But it’s not really Lily’s voice–it was unlike her to speak that way, really. Speak that way to Mary, of course. She’d heard Lily swear under her breath many times.

“‘ No, nothing’, ” Darcy chuckles, as Mary watches the fog leave her mouth each word she speaks. Mary wasn’t a winter person, but she couldn’t deny the beauty of it. Darcy was winter. She shook her head. Toujours purs, Mary. “Try to sound a bit convincing next–”

“Are you gay?” Mary finds herself asking before she could think. Darcy laughs, her eyes dragging down to her feet. 

“Only just figured that out, have you?”

“Have you ever kissed any girls before?” 

“Erm,” Darcy sighs. “Yeah, I have.”

They’ve stopped walking now, and Mary stares at Darcy, studying her body language, and the way she looked in that light, and oh, how she wondered what it would feel like to feel the warmth of Darcy’s mouth on hers. And even more oh, how she found herself unable to not hear Lily’s voice. And see Lily’s face. And think about Lily, and how she clouded her every thought.

Before she could think, she pulled Darcy’s neck, their bodies against each other’s. She could feel the smile of Darcy through the kiss, and she thought. She really did. It was the only thing, (besides kissing her best friend), she was doing.

She thought she liked boys, and yet, she found herself enjoying this, thinking about it, being into this as she’s always been–but you couldn’t like both, could you? She’d never met anybody who did. 

She’d heard of it; bisexuality. But she figured that was just something that people made up, because they were too afraid to say they were gay. But she really did feel attracted to boys, and she really felt attracted to girls, too.

And all of a sudden, she felt a burning feeling down her throat, as her lips parted from Darcy’s. She squeezed her eyes shut, hearing Darcy breathe heavily, in and out–and she felt a sensation. One she’d never really felt before. More than anything she’d ever felt.

She was bisexual.

You’re supposed to feel relieved when coming to that conclusion, right? 

So why did she feel as if the world was going to cave in. As if there’d been invisible walls around her body, and they’d finally had enough. They were finally done carrying the burden of protecting somebody so deeply in denial, they were no longer going to do that for her anymore.

So as she stared at Darcy, the last thought she really made sense of was she was bisexual.