Illicit Affairs

Lily Evans POV: Part Two 

Lily felt as if she was going insane. As if her world was ending. She wanted Mary. She wanted her more than anything. She watched as the boys and girls would sit on the benches, sucking each other’s faces off, and as gross as that seemed to her, Lily wanted nothing more for that to be herself, and Mary.

Mary. She left that morning. Lily walked her down, as they chatted and laughed together. Remus joined them, and Marlene threw a pillow at them and told them to shove it up their arse, because she’s not waking up that early if she doesn’t have to. They shrugged it off, rushing out of the room. Should’ve known, she told herself, do not try and wake Marlene up. She gets up on her own. 

Despite the breaking having started, Remus and Lily sat in the library, finishing off the homework they’d been given for the entire break—as much as they loved it, they wanted to get it over and done with so they could have a break from it all. Marlene had her legs crossed, resting them on the desk, as a book sat in her lap. 

A few metres away, Dorcas, Barty and Dane sat, their faces focused on the books, and their parchment, a glance from the three of them every few minutes—Marlene told Lily about the fight from the night before. And as she saw the secret glances from each other, she realised they both wanted to say something to each other. She had no idea what. Because sorry didn’t exist when it came to those two.

“Go say sorry, apologies aren’t difficult,” Lily hissed to Marlene. She scoffed, rolling her eyes; not at Lily. At the idea of apologising to Dorcas. 

“They are when you know you’re right,” she snapped back, leaning back in chair, as she slammed the book on the table. She stormed off, into the aisle, earning a shh off the librarian. Lily smiled, shaking her head as she went back to her work, waiting for her to come back in a few seconds. 

“Lils,” Remus turned to her with his whole body. He wasn’t happy. That’s for sure. Because when Remus was happy, Remus would smile. And he wasn’t smiling. He curled his lips, his shoulders slouching forward as she turned her head towards him. “How do you get out of a date?” 

“Erm,” her shoulders sunk into her body, as she thought about it for a moment. She’d never been on a date, and she’s never been asked on one either. Not since third year—the year everybody decided was the year to ask people out. People stopped asking her once they’d realised she’d never say yes. “I don’t really know…why?”

“I don’t want to go with Barty. That’s a whole night with a wannabe death eater, understand what that means?” 

“Yeah,” her voice lowered. Yeah. That’s what Severus wanted to be. And that’s what he was going to be. She would stop talking to him once he got the mark, and he’d spend his days attacking people like her. 

“He’s smart, though,” she said. “He’s in Slytherin, but he’s one of the only ones who don’t mutter Mudblood under their breath whilst walking past me.”

“I know,” he nodded. “But he spends a lot of his time with those people.”

“Our friends don’t define us,” she shrugged. Avery and Mulciber don’t define Sev, she told herself. She would repeat it in her head. She never wanted to say he was bad. Admit that he was bad. But it was getting hard.

“You need to stop sticking up for Snape,” he told her—she stared, not opening her mouth for a few seconds.

“I don’t want to disappoint him,” Lily murmured, unable to raise her voice any louder. “I don’t want to disappoint anyone.” 

“Lily,” he spoke quietly, holding both sides of her head, his hands resting just below her ears. “You don’t need to impress anybody, and you should not worry about disappointing anyone, especially him.”

“I know,” she threw her hands up, collapsing into her lap. “I know, Remus, and there’s nothing I can do to stop myself from constantly wanting to do everything for everyone.”

“Is it about having a good impression on everyone?”

“No. It’s more—It’s making people—people not feel horrible about themselves, you know?”

“Yeah,” he lifted up his arm, his hand scratching the back of his neck. He sighed, picking up his shoulders. “Yeah, I do.” Their gaze met each other’s. “I feel as if I need to be perfect in order for others. Only sometimes I think about the approval I’ll get—“

“Because you’ve never got it before. Because of your parents,” she cut him off mid-sentence. He stared at her, confused. “My parents were so hard on me. And they only started paying attention when I was going to come to Hogwarts. And it was only because of that. It feels as if they only cared when they found out I would be able to do magic. Not about me. They were just happy they had a family member who is a witch.”

“I used to be close to my father,” he informed her, quietly. “Ever since,” he cleared his throat. “Ever since the man—Greyback—Ever since that night, he’s hated me. And my mum. I love her. And she could be so close, and yet,” he stopped. 

“And yet, so emotionally far,” she felt her tears burning her eyes. He hugged her, his hand on the back of her head, and she wrapped her arms around him—she didn’t care about people seeing her. Because at least people wouldn’t think that she wasn’t able to get any boys. “You’re my best friend.”

“You’re my best friend, Lily,” he whispered. “Till the very end.”

“Till the very end, Remus,” she said, as their bodies separated. “And you have to promise me that you’ll never leave me. Even if everybody else,” Severus. “does. Promise me that you’ll be here?”

“Of course I’ll be, I promise you I will be,” he smiles. “Promise me, then?” He says, after a few seconds of pure silence between them.

“I promise. You know I’ll always be here with you. Even when no one else is.”

“Yes, and you’ve proven that.” 

They stayed quiet, the silence taking over. But it wasn’t awkward. She could sit hours, without a word, beside him. And none of it would feel awkward. She started to think they were made for each other. 

And not in that way that Romeo and Juliet way, or Amy and Laurie. 

In a Jo and Laurie way. In the way they meant for each other. In every single universe, they were meant to find each other. And it didn’t matter where, but they would, and she knew they would. 

And this, Lily thinks, is what it means to have a soulmate.

“Remus, I’m gay.”

“I figured.” 

And she didn’t have a problem with him figuring it out on his own. She smiled, and Marlene came back shortly, without a single book in her hands. She collapsed into her seat, her stare locked onto Dorcas. The tension rose, as the two girls were unable to keep their eyes off each other, with their glare full of rage and fury. 

She soon rushed up to her room. Her mind was taken over by Mary. As it always was. But it was strange. Mary wasn’t around. She wasn’t as close to Lily as she usually was, and yet she clouded her mind more than anybody she could spot in the corridors. 

“Lily!” Severus called out from down the hall. She stopped dead in her tracks, wanting her world to stop. She just wanted time to stop. Why won’t it just fucking stop? She barely had time to breathe. And he suffocated her. She couldn’t breathe.

Faint. 

Pass out, and it may disappear. 

Run away. 

Pretend you didn’t hear. 

Just run.

Fucking die, Lily. 

Just drop dead.

She turns around, forcing every muscle in her body to form a smile onto her face. One that she knew wasn’t sincere. One that she hoped looked sincere. His hair hid his parts of his face, and the features of him, and she watched as he drew closer. And she wished there was a way to make it stop. 

She knew everything he said to muggleborns—behind her back. What he did to the other muggleborns. Mudblood. Talentless. Waste of space. Don’t belong. Will never belong. Worthless. Die. I hope you get killed. In a few years, that’s what will happen. You-Know-Who knows. Voldemortknows. Being a mudblood wasn’t enough, now you’re a poof. All his words. All the ones she’s overheard from the other muggleborns speaking about him. And his friends.

And yet, she’s refused to admit he was wrong. Although a part deep inside her, a part that will never be revealed, or spoken aloud. Kept a secret until she died. And she will spend her life as an unhappy person. Maybe even married to him. Vile.

But as she studied at him, if she’d have the choice between him or Remus, she’d choose Remus. 

“What’s up, Sev?” She tightened her grip around her books. He was beside her, staring at her, as he often did when they were like this—difference, she could spend hours with Remus in silence, she was unable to do so with Severus. And she hated it. She hated that they weren’t able to be the way they were before. 

“Heard you asked Benjy Fenwick, the m—“ he cleared his throat. “Yeah, I heard you’re taking him with you. Shouldn’t you have waited until somebody asked you?”

“Why?” She asks. 

“Because you’re a girl,” he drawls, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “The boy is meant to ask the girl.”

“What if a girl wants to be asked by another girl? Or a boy wants to ask a boy?” She felt her hands tightening more, rage rising up in her. She exhaled, the ball of fury lowering. Or that’s what she wanted to do, of course. 

“Oh, Lily, that’s hilarious,” he placed his hand on her shoulder, immediately feeling as if she wanted to shake it off. But she didn’t; she stood there, silent. Like an idiot. “That shit is deranged. Don’t worry, I’m not like Black and Crouch, the disgusting poofters.”

“That is a horrible thing to say, Sev,” she choked, managing the words —she knew he was talking about Sirius. When he talked about Regulus, he’d say Regulus. But when it was Sirius, he’d say Black. 

“Oh, don’t be silly,” he scoffs. “You don’t even like Black, why even bother?” 

“Because,” She grunts. “It’s not a nice thing to say. He’s still a person.”

“A person who almost killed me.”

Oh, you just lovebringing that up, don’t you? She deeply wanted to scream aloud. Definitely not manipulating him into selling out his boyfriend, and then acting traumatisedto get my best friend out of the school. Fuck you. 

She couldn’t help but laugh, whilst Sev stared her in the face. Insane, mad woman. “There’s nothing even down there,” the lie came out quite easily.

“I saw it! Why are you always sticking up for him?!” He asked. He meant Remus. Obviously. His jealousy was blatant. And not too mention, just a bit irritating. 

“Remus is my best friend, Sev,” she stated. “So are Mary and Marlene. Now can we stop talking about the choices I am allowed to make?”

“Fine, well why’d you ask Benjy Fenwick? We could have  gone together.”

Yes, so I could listen to complaints, and critics all night. Yes, that would be cheerful, wouldn’t it?

She missed their old friendship. Before Hogwarts. Where they’d lie down on the hill, and speak about everything that came to their mind—he would talk about his father, and his mother, and how his mother’s maiden name was Prince, and that that should mean something. As if he was a prince or something. She couldn’t help but chuckle, whilst he’d sit there confused. And… And she’d talk about… Nothing really. He’d talk, and she’d listen. That’s how it went. 

“Erm, didn’t really think of it, plus he’s a rather kind boy, too.”

“I find him quite irritating,” Severus remarks.

“Erm, well we are allowed to feel however we want about me, aren’t we?” She forced a grin onto her face, looking up to him. Almost a stranger. Not almost; he really was. He wasn’t the young boy anymore, with a clean face, and shorter hair. His face was defined, and his crooked nose barely sat in the middle, but it did. He nodded, smiling now. “I’ve got to go now, but see you later, Sev.”

“Ok Lily,” he picked his hand up, waving to her. She turned around, the portrait of the lady appearing into sight—people called her the fat lady. Lily didn’t think that was very nice, as she spoke the password, stepping into the Gryffindor Common Room. Wasn’t much, but it was home. 

Barely any Gryffindors stayed back that Christmas. It was only Lily, Remus and Marlene in the Common Room at that moment, whilst Marlene modeled dresses, attempting to decide which one was the best out of all—Lily thought all of them seemed pretty good. 

“Lily, Lily! What do you think of these?” Marlene picked up her leg, the clear muscle showing in them. Lily smiled, shrugging her shoulders. They were nice, but they didn’t scream Marlene fucking McKinnon. “Ok, so not great,” she shrugged her own shoulders now, looking around the pile of shoes. 

“What about these?” Lily reached for Doctor Martens boots on the floor. She’d never gotten a pair, because, according to Petunia, they were too dyke-ish. But despite that, she wanted them. Maybe especially for that reason. But also because they looked cool. “I think that they suit you.” 

“Why thank you, Lily,” She creates a smooching noise, as she leans over toward her, immediately falling onto the couch; happy she’d finally found some shoes. “What do you think—“ 

“I think Dorcas will love them,” Lily states, interrupting Marlene before she finished her sentence. Remus snapped his head up from the book on his lap, smirking as he raised his eyebrows. “Now who wouldn’t tackle the love of their life?” 

Remus scoffed, “if Regulus is the love of James’ life, then,” he laughed, his shoulders lighting. His face rested in a grin. “James tackled him the other day, dunno why.”

“Oh right, newest couple, James and Regulus,” Marlene laughed, her hand resting on her cheek. “They’d be cute, don’t you think?” She stopped for a moment, looking at Lily from the corner of her eye. “Oh, erm, sorry Lily. I didn’t mean to talk about the gay shit around you.”

“No, it’s ok,” she shook her head quickly. “Which girl would you put me with, then?” She slowly rested into the chair, her head on the back of the chair. She almost immediately started freaking out. Was that a good way to say it? 

“Hmm,” Marlene squinted her eyes, looking up and down, studying Lily. Or as if she is studying Lily. She was saying it as a joke. “I think… Mary.”

Lily snapped her head up, her eyes widened. She kept telling her body to stop making it so obvious, of course it wouldn’t listen though. Mary. 

Which girl would you put me with? Mary. 

Which girl would you put me with? Mary. 

Which girl would you put me with? Mary. 

She repeated it in her head. 

Would she and Mary Macdonald really be a good couple? She thought about it for a moment. 

Mary Macdonald. Her beauty was so ineffable that it was impossible to put into words. A beautiful colour that didn’t yet have a name; indescribable—although, never once did she feel bitter. She’d stare at Mary till she took her last breath if she’d been given the chance.

And her beauty didn’t lie only in her appearance, it shone in her personality. It made her appearance seem like a piece of crap. Because no one Lily had ever met would sit in the Common Room for hours on end, making sure their friend was absolutely feeling great, making sure she’d listen to every word until they were done explaining; ranting. 

She was smart. So, so smart. Not with school. Well she was with school. But her words, and the way she navigated through her sentences was perfect to Lily. She’d listen to Mary talk for hours as her favourite song.

One of a kind.

Flawless. 

Sympathetic, Gracious, Charming. 

Addictive. Touch. Love.

Would she ever be able to describe Mary to the absolute fullest? Would she ever be finished doing so? 

As she lied in bed the following night, she decided she wouldn’t. Someone like her deserved to be spoken about for hours. Deserved someone who completely adored them with everything they had. And Lily did. But she’d spend the rest of her life, wishing to be more than just friends.

But. But Remus thought the exact same thing about Sirius, and they became a thing. But look at it now, Lily thought as she stared at the ceiling, they don’t even talk—but that’s different. She wasn’t a werewolf, and Mary could never betray Lily the way Sirius betrayed Remus. 

She was unable to sleep. 

Even as she squeezed her eyes shut, attempting to keep them closed, she was unable to fall asleep. She rolled out of bed, resting her feet softly on the ground as she stood up from it. Her shoes lay near the door, tiptoeing over to them, she kept her eyes on Marlene’s bed, careful she wasn’t awake. Slowly, she placed her hand on the doorknob, rushing out to the Quidditch Pitch. 

She had layers of clothes on. The night was already cold enough, the fact it was winter became worse. But it’s ok, because she’d use a spell to warm herself up, whilst practicing other spells—she practiced her patronus some nights when she’d be out. She did it once. A doe. Wasn’t exactly thrilled by it, but it was ok. 

“Hey Evans,” James winked. This was first year. When she had a proper introduction to James, after the whole train, Severus Snivellus thing. He’d been quite consistent with starting conversations with her. “How are you doing on this fine afternoon?” 

And she’d almost always reply with a shrug, or a roll of the eyes. It’s not that she didn’t like him. Or that she hated the idea of him. She wasn’t sure he was the one she truly wanted. She didn’t wish, or yearn for his touch. Her last thought wasn’t him before she fell asleep. Her first thought wasn’t him when she woke up. Though, those feelings don’t really exist when you were eleven, but she came to realise, they never ended up existing.

But she didn’t hate the idea of him.

He was James Potter; became surprisingly kind over the years, an uncommonly good friend, unharmful jokes, always pranking people, running around the halls as his hair bounced on his forehead. All good traits of a person.

She never understood why she was unable to feel for him as she should. As she was told to. As she was asked to, and questioned about.

That’s until she realised everything in her screamed Mary. 

Mary. Mary. Mary.