Chapter 1
Theodore is quiet. He keeps his head down and does what he’s told. Theodore is obedient. Following every word his parents have spoken to him, never hesitating. He hides. Every part of himself. Terrified of the consequences if he dares to show an ounce of emotion to another human being. Hell, even his mirror has never seen him crack a smile. And he is perfectly content in Malfoy’s shadow, never picked on but also never having a fan club.
Theodore remembers the way his father acted upon Cedric Diggory’s death, confirmation of His return. He remembers vomiting the contents of his stomach after watching Potter get dragged to the castle. He remembers how scared he was the first time he was brought to a death eater meeting and He was there. He wouldn’t dare show his fear, digging his nails into the palms of his hands.
He thinks It’s safe to say he gets very few moments truly to himself. Times when he can indulge in the small things.
And so it comes as no surprise to a majority of the Slytherin students, that the halls of Hogwarts have grown much quieter than the previous year. No surprise when more rumours of Potter come afloat even before the term begins, keeping the secrecy of His return, and breaking the trust so many had in Potter. Theodore knows it’s better this way. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t eat away at him in the night. Knowing him and plenty of other students know what’s going to happen.
But that quieter, darker part of himself takes a sort of satisfaction in the ignorance of the students who toot along the platform as if a war isn’t brewing right under their noses. Most days he wishes he could strangle that dark part of himself. His shoulders feel heavy while his eyes scan the platform, more unfamiliar faces than not. Young girls giggling as a group of boys pass them, and a group of first years clinging to their parents with tears streaming down his face.
I want that.
Theodore is an observer. And it hurts sometimes. To observe things he’s never gotten to have. Such as his parents seeing him off to the train. They were just always so busy with work, and Theodore isn’t much of a priority as the youngest of three boys. He isn’t the heir. A spare, more like. It sort of makes his chest ache to see the younger years so excited for school only because they don’t know what is really going on.
Up ahead Theodore spots Blaise with that unmistakable thatch of platinum blond hair next to him. The duo’s heads stick up above the crowd around them thanks to their long and lanky physiques from quidditch. Theodore never was much of one for quidditch, he prefers flying for the sake of flying. Not throwing a ball into a hoop. But he does enjoy watching his friends play. If that's what one would call Draco and Blaise, that is. They’re more associates to Theodore than they are friends and he’s sure they think the same of him.
The two boys nod at Theodore as he stands next to them, Draco’s prefect badge shining on his robes. And like usual, he follows them. Going completely unnoticed as they step onto the train and make a gesture at Theodore saying they’d see him at the carriages and then Blaise begins walking with Draco to the prefect's compartment -despite him not being a prefect, by the way- and leaving Theodore to his own devices. Finally. He nods to the boys and quickly finds an empty compartment.
It isn’t long until he feels the train jerk to life and all he can hear are first years crying and second and third years frantically looking for their friends on the train. He wishes he could tune everything out, the people, the noises. He wishes he could lay in a field, sun shining in the middle of nowhere near the ocean. His fantasies are interrupted as Daphne Greengrass throws open the compartment door, her brown hair flicking over her shoulder and a bright smile gracing her face.
Daphne is really the only person at this stupid school that he can actually tolerate. Daphne is a lot like him, quiet, obedient. He supposes this is the reason they got on so well, a mutual understanding of each other. Daphne sits down across from Theodore, her leg thrown over the other. He isn't sure why she spends time with him, he is a shadow and she is a star.
Theodore saw Daphne a lot over the summer during their family’s ‘business meetings’ but hardly had the time to speak with her. He spent his time at these meetings glued to his father’s side or off with Draco and Blaise. He just couldn't will himself to socialise with anyone outside those three people, almost scared they’d eat him alive despite having grown up around so many of them.
“Hey, T?” Daphne had been calling his name, waving a hand in front of him, silvers catching his eyes. He flicks his gaze away from her ringed hand and up to her face. “How’ve you been the last two weeks? Good, I hope?” Daphne’s voice is tired and strained but her eyes tell Theodore not to pry and to just answer her question.
“It was alright, I guess. Same old, same old.” Theodore answers her, running a hand through his dark hair. “Dad introduced me to another woman, this one from France.” He let out a hollow laugh at the memory of the dinner he’d been forced into by his father and the girl’s father. He later learned the girl’s name was Céline and she was actually quite lovely. But it was forced and she let him down at the end of the summer - much to their fathers’ disappointment - but Theodore hadn't been hurt by it. He had been relieved.
Daphne laughs, a genuine heart warming sound that often brought a twinkle to even Draco’s eyes. Daphne was probably the most optimistic of the Slytherins in their year, a breath of fresh air for the stone cold statues that made up her housemates. “Sounds a bit fancy even for you, T. How’d it go then? Scared her off, I bet.” Daphne continued to laugh heartily, likely at the thought of Theodore sitting at a dinner table with his father and a French family.
“Yeah, she let me go at the end of the summer. That’s alright though, father will surely find another one by Christmas. How about you? How’s Astoria?” Theodore returns the question, trying his best to keep their conversation going even though Daphne would surely have no problem continuing it. “Ahh, dear Astoria. Drooling over Malfoy of course. Merlin should’ve seen her at all those gatherings this summer. Ugh. And me? I’m great. Still the favourite daughter, of course. My cousin is getting married over the Christmas break though, she says I ought to find a date.”
Theodore wrinkled his nose at the thought of Daphne trying to find a date for a wedding she very obviously didn’t want to attend. He supposes a small, youthful part of him has always fancied her a bit. He’d never act on it though, especially not with her massive thing for Dean Thomas. And so he isn’t sure why he says it, but he does. “I’ll be your date, Daph. Save you the embarrassment of asking every guy in our year.” The friendly insult comes out naturally, fitting in perfectly with the friendship he’s carved for himself with Daphne.
“Awe! Always knew I could count on you, T.” She reaches over to punch his arm, her smile bright and a light dusting of red on her cheeks. And for a brief, selfish moment he let himself think she actually liked him and not some Gryffindor. Some Gryffindor who would surely side with Potter when the time came. Alas, he shoved the feelings deep, deep down where no one could see them.
Daphne peered outside the window at the Scottish countryside, a light bulb seeming to go off in her head. “We’re almost there. You best be getting changed.” She gets up and heads towards the door and he almost asks where she is going but decides against it. And she was right, he realised as he looked down at himself and saw he was still in his jumper.
The train finally stopped and first years were just itching to leave, hurtling down the aisle past Theodore as though he wasn’t almost six feet tall and very clearly could be seen. Something Theodore has learned about himself since attending Hogwarts is that he really dislikes kids. Little kids are alright, he supposes. It’s older kids that are annoying. Such as the first and second years barrelling into him as they flood off the train.
Once they’re finally gone he can make his way off the train and onto the platform in peace. Draco and Blaise were nowhere in sight, only unrecognisable faces surrounded him on the platform, all of them scrambling in different directions to get where they needed. Did Theodore mention he hates first days? Because he does. He loathes them. He can’t help but stand off to the side, away from the main group of the crowd, waiting for it to thin out a bit before he walks to the carriages.
Sometimes he wishes he could take the boats across the lake to the castle again, to take it all in properly. He was far too anxious about sticking by Draco’s side to fully bask in how spectacular Hogwarts actually looks. Especially when on the lake. Besides, ever since his mother passed he’s really hated the carriages. Hated seeing what was really tugging them towards the castle each year. Hated knowing what it meant. So he ignored them, looking for Draco’s unmistakable blond hair.
It doesn’t take long before the platform is more clear, not as loud, and he can finally breathe properly. He hears Draco’s voice before he sees him, the unmistakable irritation in his voice making it obvious it’s him. “I hate first years,” Theodore sees Draco roll his eyes as he watches the last of the first years run after Hagrid to the boats, not bothering really to keep his voice down. “They’re too loud and giggly.” Draco nearly shivers as he finishes his sentence, likely recalling bad run-ins he’s had with first years.
“Not to mention sticky.” Blaise says matter-of-factly. The two stay still while talking as Theodore makes his way over to them. Only once he’s standing next to them do they begin to walk through the trees to the carriages. In a weird way, Draco and Blaise are extremely considerate of Theodore. They know he hates walking alone, especially to the carriages - though they’ve never asked him why. They’ll even wait for him in between classes so he won’t have to walk alone. It was uncomfortably endearing to Theodore, to have the two of them take the time to do those things for him.
The trio’s shoes crunch on the twigs and gravel covering the path to the carriages, the sound only intensified by the students walking around them. Everywhere he looks, he only sees people. Girls giggle and boys throw one another around. He can hear seventh years talking about their plans for after Hogwarts and sixth years excitedly talking about who they plan on taking to the first Hogsmeade trip. How anyone can possibly think of anything besides the obvious truth behind Diggory’s death is something Theodore cannot even begin to try and wrap his head around.
He doesn’t know why he’s so worried over it, really. He knows what side he’s on and he knows which side has a higher chance of winning and he knows what’s required of him. But, a small part of him wishes everything had been completely decided the night Potter’s parents had died. Just so this war isn’t something he’s so anxious about.
Theodore shakes his head, trying to shake away his thoughts, as he tries to tune back into whatever Draco and Blaise are going on about - something about who they think the new defence against the dark arts teacher is going to be. Theodore could care a whole lot less about who’d be teaching them this year. He honestly hasn’t cared much about it since third year. He stays silent as Draco and Blaise spot a small group of Slytherin students standing next to a carriage, none of them familiar at this distance. As they get closer it’s easier to see faces and put them to names.
Pansy is loudly arguing with Crabbe and Goyle, the argument going in one of Theodore’s ears and out the other. He makes sure to ignore Pansy as she asks for his opinion, preferring to keep to himself than get involved, as he follows closely behind Draco into the carriage. He tries his best not to flinch as he hears the thestral huff, an unpleasant and unwelcome reminder of his mother. Pansy rolls her eyes at Theodore, sitting down across from Draco, next to Blaise. “My bad! I forgot Draco’s shadow doesn’t talk.” Her voice drips in sarcasm and she rolls her eyes so far back Theodore hopes they’ll get stuck.
Right about now, the idea of getting stoned in the girls' lavatory sounds like an amazing idea. And the thought only becomes more appealing as the carriage ride goes on. Pansy’s shrill voice jabbing into his head and Crabbe and Goyle’s stupid jokes making his head hurt - especially when they laugh, dear Merlin - and hearing Draco and Blaise argue nonstop over quidditch makes Theodore want to walk the rest of they to the castle. Maybe he should skip dinner and head straight to his dorm and then the lavatory? But he knows skipping dinner will just further provoke Pansy.
Plus, he actually does want to see who the new teacher is. Draco and Blaise each have 30 galleons on who the teacher will be: Some ministry worker (Theodore would have put his money on that) or some off the grid person no one has ever heard of (like Lupin). And he'd be lying if he said he wasn’t curious about the outcome of their bet. So he ignores his urge to seclude himself and forces himself to stay with his group as they step off of the carriages, again surrounded by a horde of students in the courtyard.
The horde of students moves towards the doors leading into the castle, laughter and screams ringing out around Theodore. The walk to the great hall seems longer than normal as he’s shoved around by bodies as they move, his shoulders constantly knocking into Draco’s. It feels like hours have passed rather than minutes by the time they’re finally filing into the great hall, sitting at their respective house tables, Slytherin and Gryffindors alike glaring over the Ravenclaws.
That’s something Theodore doesn’t really get. The house rivalries. He understands it more when it comes to quidditch. But it’s an everyday thing. Especially between Gryffindor and Slytherin. A hatred that seems to be as old as the castle itself. It’s a meaningless hatred that causes tension in every aspect of the students’ lives. It drives Theodore up the wall. And it just exhausts him when he’s dragged into Draco and Potter’s drama, the two of them recklessly egging one another on any chance they get.
He leans his elbow on the table and places his chin on his hand while he waits for the first years to enter and be sorted. After his first year this has always been his least favourite part of the first days. When he was younger he’d been excited and nervous all at the same time to be sorted and make new friends. His hopes had quickly been crushed by the end of his first year. The only friends he had were the ones he’d had before coming to Hogwarts and having been placed in Slytherin deterred any potential friends.
Now, he hates the waiting. Having to sit at a crowded table, squished between Draco and some Slytherin fourth year while kids squeal and scream with one another. Hates having to watch the first years nervously approach that dirty old hat, expecting great things to come when in reality, their lives will change but likely not for the better.
Theodore is pulled from his thoughts upon hearing the doors to the great hall open, the room going quiet as Professor McGonagall strides to the front of the room where a stool and a dirty old hat reside. Behind her is a large group of first year students, all of them mindlessly gawking at the ceiling and the candles above. Theodore recalls the memory of stepping foot into the great hall for the first time, although a little bleary from his raging anxiety, he’d still been blown away by the bewitched ceiling.
With the great hall so quiet, Theodore has no choice but to focus on McGonagall as she begins reading out names from her list. Her list this year is quite a bit longer than it had been when he had been a first year. That’s very common though. For every year to have more students than the year with Harry Potter in it. He knows it’s because of Him. Everyone knows.
Theodore doesn’t even notice that the sorting ceremony is finished or that Dumbledore has spoken until food suddenly appears on the table in front of him and the great hall has become loud again. Shaking his head, Theodore fills his plate, quietly eating while the Slytherin fifth years talk around him. Out of the corner of his eyes he sees Blaise hand Draco a fistful of galleons. “How’d your summers go everyone?” Daphne’s voice reaches Theodore’s ears causing him to flick his gaze up at her and his heart stutters in his chest upon seeing her smile. He shoves the warmth blooming in his chest away, looking at Blaise as he answers her question.
“Wasn’t bad. We went to Italy for dad’s work, and of course, I saw Giullia.” Draco ‘oohs’ while Pansy and Daphne giggle, demanding details. “Ah, well, turns out she’s fancied me for a few years so the night before I was due back to England we had a few drinks..” Blaise trails off, a smirk and a blush adorning his face, making it easy for his friends to fill in the blanks of what transpired on his last night in Italy.
Theodore has met Giullia once before at a banquet. He honestly only remembers the banquet at all because all of his friends had found someone to snog except for him, leaving him to sip some random alcoholic beverage in the corner hoping his friends would come back. Only Daphne had come to sit with him. After snogging with some guy in a jacket closet though.
“Well, I guess Crabbe owes me money then, yeah?” Pansy’s annoying voice cuts through his memories. Their virginity's are another thing they’ve all bet on. Who’d be the last one, who’d be the first, who’d it be with, etc, etc. The bets were endless, but Theodore hasn’t lost a single one of the virginity bets yet. “Now, it’s between Draco, Theodore and Daph for the last one.” Theodore rolls his eyes at Pansy, but she’s too busy receiving money from Crabbe to notice.
“Honestly, I’m still shocked Draco hasn’t removed himself from the standings. I mean, you literally have the entirety of fourth to seventh years to choose from.” Blaise points out to the others. “Blaise, darling. He’s been raised as a not-until-marriage boy.” Pansy says before eating meat off her fork. “Now what shocks me, is that Crabbe and Goyle got their willy’s dirty before Mr. Nott over here.”
This realization starts a chorus of laughter and friendly pokes directed at Theodore, effectively taking the heat away from Draco. Everyone knows Pansy had a thing for Draco when they were younger -but she says she doesn’t feel like that anymore- so no one questions her actions. Some think she just wants in his pants. Theodore knows Pansy doesn’t think that lowly of herself though. He also suspects she has her eyes on someone at the moment, although he’d never ask her.
“I just want to know how Theodore always manages to win all of the bets?” Draco says, slightly irritated about the money he’s lost to Theodore over the years. “I didn’t think you were any good at divination, huh?” Draco accuses lightly. Theodore shrugs at Draco, finishing his last bit of food before responding.
“I don’t even take divination, first of all. Second of all, divination doesn’t work like that.”
Draco rolls his eyes and huffs earnings a snicker from Theodore. Draco opens his mouth to say something but Dumbledore’s booming voice echoes across the room, cutting Draco off. “If fifth year prefects would stand up from their seats and wave to your new first years?” Draco and Pansy slowly get up from their seats making themselves known to the first year Slytherins.
“Now, if you wouldn’t mind, first years please follow your fifth year prefects to your dormitories.” Dumbledore’s loud voice makes Theodore jump when he speaks. He hears Pansy take charge of the first years and lead them down to the dungeons. It’s now that Theodore notices a blur of bright pink at the professor’s table. The new defence against the dark arts teacher. And it isn’t for another twenty minutes until the rest of the school is dismissed to the dormitories. Theodore, Blaise and Daphne are quick to separate themselves from Crabbe and Goyle, not wanting to walk with the two of them.
The walk down to the dungeons is cold and filled with a comfortable silence as they round the corners leading to the Slytherin dorms. Theodore has always hated sleeping in the dungeons. It’s cold, first of all, and it’s the farthest dorm from everything. But, he’ll always love the view the dorm has into the lake. Adoring all the creatures he’s able to see and loves the light filtering through the water in the mornings even more.
Walking into the dorm Theodore’s senses are immediately overwhelmed. The smells of perfumes too strong. The sound of confused first years threatening to burst his eardrums. The feeling of his jumper on his skin is almost itchy as it gets pressed against him more by the people around him. Did he mention he hates first days? Because, in all honesty, it does.
But Theodore doesn’t stay in the common room for long, only standing there long enough for the crowd to thin out more, giving him a clear path to his dorm room. He’s sure Draco and Blaise won’t be there yet, likely too focused on other things (those other things being girls and first years, of course) meaning he won’t have to worry about them seeing him.
It’s a bad habit he’s gotten into the last few years, mostly since his mother died. It was really a miracle he’s been able to keep it up while at Hogwarts. But, luckily for him, Madame Pomfrey grows the stuff for “medicinal purposes”. He doesn’t believe that. He’s 98% sure she grows it for extracurricular purposes, but he sure isn’t complaining.
This habit though, is something that needs to stay just that. A habit. A quiet, guilty pleasure he indulges himself in on those tough days. Which lately seems to be most days. So he does his best to keep it to himself. Keep it away from his friends. Especially Daphne. A part of him is worried about what they’ll think if they know, scared they’ll judge him. But another part wants to keep it to himself because it’s his. It’s his thing. That small part of him is worried they’ll want to try and that it won't be his anymore.
He heads up the stairs to his shared room, peeking inside to make sure neither Draco nor Blaise were inside. Theodore lets out a breath and runs a hair through his dark curls while stepping into the room and to his bed. He’s been sharing a dorm with Draco and Blaise since first year and how they’ve managed to live in his controlled (it really isn’t controlled but he tells himself it is) chaos of a room for the last four years, he’s unsure of. Compared to him the two are neat freaks, absolutely nothing out of place. While he usually has books and jumpers thrown everywhere.
The contrast is quite alarming.
He rummages through his luggage until finding the small lock box he’s looking for. He pulls a necklace out from his robes, on it only two things: His mother’s wedding ring and a key. He unlocks the box with the key and pulls everything necessary for him to hide in the far corner of the girl’s lavatory with the window cracked open (yes, the windows open.) He locks the box again and stuffs it at the bottom of his trunk, throwing some jumpers on top of the box and making his area look somewhat lived in before heading towards the door with his things in his pockets.
Unfortunately he doesn’t make it far before Daphne spots him, a bottle of firewhiskey in her hands and a flushed face waving him over to her and the other fifth year Slytherins. Older students lounge about the common room still while the younger students have long settled into their rooms, not daring to leave until morning. He’s sure Draco scared them all into it, not wanting them to get him up in the middle of the night for something small.
And Merlin, how he would love to ignore her perfect smile and soft voice and go toke in the lavatory to make himself feel better. He can’t. He, in all the years he’s known Daphne Greengrass, has never been able to just ignore her. Her perfect hair and enchanting eyes always managing to pull him in no matter how hard he tries to run away. So he does what any sensible person would do: walks over to her.
Theodore swears that the smile she flashes at him when she notices him coming to her could light up all of England, her eyes just as bright against her red face. Once he’s close enough she tugs his sleeve to pull him closer to her and wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulling him down to be her height. Sometimes he forgets how tall he is since he’s usually with Draco and Blaise who are only a little bit shorter than him.
Daphne giggles as Theodore lets out a surprised sound from being pulled down so low, taking another sip from the bottle in her hand before passing it on to Pansy. Theodore can’t help but stare at Daphne while she continues to giggle, her hair falling into her face. With both of her hands free, Daphne wastes no time in linking her arms around Theodore’s neck, resting her head on his shoulder. He’d be lying if he said he isn’t enjoying this. But he knows she’s only doing this because she’s not sober.
“Where are you going?” She giggles out again, “We were just talking about you, weren’t we?” She looks at the others in the group, waiting for an answer to back up her words. Once they all nod she turns back to him, smiling widely, expecting an answer from him now.
“Oh, um.” Theodore fumbles on his words, unsure of what to say despite the many carefully cultivated excuses he has. “I was-um just going for a walk, nothing special.” What time is it? He was sure it was nearing midnight by now and judging by Daphne’s red face they hadn’t been drinking for long. “Daphne, you aren’t looking very well. Why not have Pansy take you upstairs, yeah?” Theodore suggests to a drunken Daphne, hoping she’ll let him leave. Why is she such a lightweight?
“Why? Have you got somewhere better to be, Nott?” Pansy interjects, making Theodore painfully aware of how obvious he’s being about not wanting to be with them right now. “I-no. No, I don’t. But she looks about ready to pass out. Best give her a pepper-up potion soon or she’ll be very unpleasant in the morning.”
“Pansy get off his back, yeah? He’s right, look at her.” Draco speaks up this time, locking eyes with Theodore in a sense of understanding. Pansy rolls her eyes and groans at Draco but makes no move to argue with him.
“But, T,” Daphne speaks up as Pansy begins to move towards Daphne. “I wanna spend some more time with you.. We never have any classes together, our schedules don't align ever!” Daphne whines but immediately grabs at her head in pain. “I’ll make time for you, don’t worry.” Theodore sends her a small, genuine smile before handing her off to Pansy to take back to their dorm room.
Draco’s standing up now, facing Theodore. Theodore’s almost worried he’s going to say something but Draco turns away and heads to their own dorm room with Blaise following closely behind, leaving Theodore alone in the common room. He waits alone a few minutes longer, his only company the few fish that swim by the window, before he decides he’s in the clear to leave the dorm.
He doesn’t bother looking around for prefects or Filch and his cat, Mrs. Norris, just heading straight for the lavatory. The lavatory isn’t far from the Slytherin dorm, only a few flights up from where he is in the dungeons, up on the second floor. He knows he won’t get caught toking in this particular bathroom since it’s not only the entrance to the chamber of secrets but also occupied by a dead student, Myrtle.
Theodore has honestly grown quite fond of Myrtle since he started spending more time in her washroom over the past few years. She’s a rather good listener. And she doesn’t ask unnecessary questions, always very straight to the point. He likes that about her.
He keeps his footsteps light in the large hallways, carefully looking around corners until he finally makes it to the washroom. Immediately upon entering he pulls out a joint he rolled before leaving for the train station this morning. Without thinking, he uses his wand to light it up, taking a deep breath and letting the sting settle in his lungs before letting it out.
A warm feeling slowly washes over him, taking away a bit of the anxiety from earlier. Despite quite literally ruining his lungs by smoking weed, he feels like he can breathe again. And he feels content, moving towards the windowsill he always sits on, not registering the silence in the washroom. Or the girl sitting on his windowsill.
“What the fuck..?” It takes Theodore’s brain way too long to process the royal blue robes contrasting against the dark stone walls. “What the fuck.” Theodore whispers more to himself than the girl sitting in front of him, her face level with his thanks to the height of the windowsill. He suddenly remembers the joint sitting between his fingers and takes another puff without taking his eyes off the ones in front of him.
“I’m not leaving.” She states, hardening her stare. Theodore now notices the red tinge of her eyes, making it obvious she’d been crying before Theodore had burst in on her. “Besides, this is the girl’s lavatory. What the fuck are you doing in here, huh?”
It’s then, as he continues to take puffs and stare dumbly at this girl while she glares coldly at him, that he realises things are changing. Everything is changing. And it all started with the death of Cedric Diggory and the return of Him.
So he takes a long puff and takes a seat on the ground, ignoring the girl on the windowsill.