the dedications
It had been too long ago, too far out of his grasp, for James to still sit and ponder on him, he knew this and he also knew that healing took time, but alot…a lot of time had passed.
He was happy with his life now, he didn't want anyone to think he wasn't headed in a good direction for himself. He looked at people at the pub and imagined waking up next to them. He enjoyed the mornings filled with cheap coffee and eggs made by remus when he stayed over. The small walks he got to take to and from the library in town, the way he got to write whenever he wanted now.
James had created a life for himself, created a new world, but sometimes when he thought about why he created this world, who he had to become in order to lose the person he was becoming, sometimes it stays for a few minutes and then it becomes hours and then days.
James felt that maybe that's why he came to fall so heavily into poetry and all the books Remus would lend him, when he wouldnt leave his room.
Other people's pain made his feel tolerable, the honesty and brutal blood spilled onto the pages in letters scrambled together, they made it easier to understand,
not being able to forget was okay, not forgiving was okay.
Because he couldn't forgive and forget. He would rather drown than strip himself bare of it
He had once read a very beautiful quote that Remus had written down in the corner of the book he had picked out of the stack sitting in his room and it never really left him.
“Is there no way out of the mind”
So James became familiar with his mind, he made amends, he cleaned his room, he threw the curtains under his bed and let the light blind him when he awoke each morning, because sometimes he just needed the reminder that he was capable of being filled with light again.
When his book had come out and he was facing everything that he had been, in the lens of his new self, he was shaken, his fingers trembled and his lip drew blood from the edges of his teeth.
He felt raw and open and exposed and felt ashamed. So in honor of the man he was meeting again, he took advice from him one last time and ran.
So here James was again, running
And in all of that he ended up running into her.
She had been kind, her guest room was cozy and filled with windows and light and wonderful pillows for James to dive into every night. He enjoyed the change of scenery and co-existing with Lily was much more entertaining than living with sirius. Don't get it wrong though, James loved Sirius and he would always love him first, but they had grown a lot since they came to share a bathroom sink at 17.
James knew Sirius was going to go and live with Remus soon, he knew that he would be alone in the apartment and he knew, he knew deep down he couldn't bare to be alone. He knew that loneliness was no friend of his and he needed to figure that out.
He was excited for Sirius and his new adventures, the ones he wasn't meant to take with james. Remus was the loveliest man to Sirius and they deserved to be on their own and to start building their life, but James couldn't stop the anxiety that was building in his bones, the worry that he would be forgotten.
So he was here, with lilly. . She had told him to stay for as long as he liked and he was taking full advantage of that. They started taking turns making dinner and would pick a movie to watch on the couch till one of them did the dishes and brought out a carton of ice cream.
Tonight was much like all the others, james was sitting with his legs on the back of the couch head dangling by the floor, blood rushing to his cheeks, every couple of seconds his eyes would meet lilly who was dishing up dinner and she would give him a small laugh, she was making his favorite at the moment, marmalade pizza, he didn't know how she knew, but she tended to know just about everything.
“Do you want the pizza to be doughy or burnt?” Lily called, the oven had chimed and she was covering her face from the heat.
“Im offended you have to ask” he clutched his chest and let his head fall farther
Lily scoffed and he heard the oven door shut and her feet slide towards him.
“Why do you never pick up your feet” james slowly repositioned himself, feeling his head rush a little as his blood traveled back down
“What do you mean”
Jame got to his feet and proceeded to slide on the floor, like he was on ice, he grabbed her hands and motioned for her to do the same, her cheeks blushed as james delicately held her hands with his, they began to spin and dance, letting the music softly playing from the radio they had purchased earlier in the week, takeover.
“What a wonderful dancer you are James” lily tripped a little as she spoke, right into James, who held onto her, gathering her limbs before they fell further.
“Oh”
Lily looked up and fell right into the eyes of james and she felt herself cave in, james was everything lily would want in a man, but she knew that it would never end well, she knew this, lily knew this, so why was she not moving back, why was his face coming in closer, Why was she allowing herself to fall deeper into the pit that was James Potter ?
And when her phone rang lily thanked the gods above
“I better…” she separated herself
James swallowed and let her go quickly, taking a wide step back.
She watched as he placed himself back on the couch, his gaze pointed out the window, cars lighting the street as they passed, the rain had finally stopped so the stars peeked through the clouds, it was stunning to see, she loved the view, it was the only reason she kept the apartment
James frowned and lily felt her stomach drop a bit, no matter how many prodded questions she asked he never quite told her what she wanted to know about his past, she knew of heartbreak, shed had her fair share of tragic ends. James and his heartbreak ran deeper. She let her gaze drift back to her phone.
“Hey Lily, it's Thomas, I was calling on the subject of James, is he still with you?”
“Yes, he's actually sitting with me now”
Lilly snapped her fingers at James and he perked up, raising an eyebrow at her.
She set the phone between them, placing it on speaker and perched herself on the arm of the tattered couch.
“Okay you are on speaker, what's going on”
“Well we just got updates on the books and james has debuted for second best selling author of our poetry branch”
James frowned running his hands through his hair “whose first”
Lily scoffed at him, slamming her hand into his shoulder
“Of course you would ask that you fucki-”
“A new author who has joined had a book published last minute and it seems his book has had a rather large effect that was not planned, if we thought this would happen we wouldn't have published them so close together”
“Well whos the bloody author, i'd love to meet him” james bit
He poured his entire life into a book for others to consume and they decided it wasn't even good enough to have as a main course.
“Well that's the problem, he also decided to keep his name off the record and publish with only his initials”
“You know what, don't tell me then, lily and i will go and get the book ourselves, see what a best selling authors got to give” james stood up then making his way to his jacket that hung on her door “right lily” james looked over expectantly
She sat still for s second, her phone sliding off the couch, she moved only to catch it before it fell
“Yes i suppose” she slowly spoke “that's the only ….. Logical thing to do”
“Indeed, so let's go”
James opened the door without another word and made his way down the stairs and into the street, he stood on the sidewalk and kicked at the rubble lining the garden path behind him.
He was mad, he was fuming and James could only count to ten so many times before the effects wore off and his breath was still fast and rough. It was only his first book, he hadn't expected to get any high achievements, but second, fucks sake, to know he came so close only for the rug to be ripped from beneath him.
Any rational person would be mad right ?
And it was only seven and the shops would be open till about nine, so yes, he needed to find the book now, he needed to see what he was getting bested by.
“James really calm down”
Lily came up from behind him and wrapped an arm around his and just barely tripped as he took off with her now caught up.
“The bookstore is just round the corner, this isn't that brash” he bit out
He knew Lily was rolling her eyes but he just guided them down the road farther.
He was going to find this bloody book.
The bookstore was empty when they went to the door, the small chime that greeted them would normally fill James with excitement, but now he twitched and beelined for the new release section. It was still odd to see his book sitting neatly on the shelf, dust just barely collected on its cover.
Next to it was the book Thomas had mentioned.
“Pollution of the heart” james rolled his eyes “bit posh”
Lily scoffed and grabbed it out of his hands “i'm buying this and we are going home”
James went to bite back but Lily was gone before he could get anything out, he huffed and grabbed his own book.
Like he often did, James got into the habit of rereading his work as if he weren't himself. Some days he would spend hours switching the lense of each poem trying to see if he should have changed them, never quite satisfied, but it was his first try and it was okay to need improvement
Skimming the book he let it fall to a page he often wondered too, the poem was direct and simple, it was one of the first poems he wrote
“I wait like a dog, for a world i might want And i let my pride win the war
Like every time before, now i'm stuck and fresh out of luck
Wondering why i ever tried in the first place
Circle the drain, till i don't know a thing and the only thing i can feel is my feet on the floor
I idolize my youth, like i was doing any better
I saw right through the truth, i always was a shitty liar
I lost blood for you, set myself on fire
I dont step outside my room
Sometimes it all feels too violent”
He let the words roll around in his head. Soaked them in like he had never felt them before.
“James”
His head snapped up, Lily was looking at him with worry, he knew the look too well, the knit in her brows and the frown that made James feel guilt he didnt think should be there, but it was. It ate at him till he placed the book back on the shelf.
“Lets go home”
Home, was that what the flat was becoming ? What lily was becoming ? he couldn't displace the warm feeling he got writing in the little guest bedroom, knowing she was always going to come back when the street lights turned on. He liked it, he had to admit it, though he could never see lily and him trespassing the closeness they had cultivated, he settled in it.
So home they went, curled up on the couch, blankets draped over their legs, her small lamps lighting up the room in a dull orange hue, tv muted and running some late night talk show they paid no mind too.
When all was settled, lilly grabbed the book back out of her bag and placed it in james’ lap, he studied the cover for a second, it was soft like his and every inch was filled with flowers of all kinds in soft silver and blue.
He flipped through admiring the small flowers that were placed in the corners, they all looked hand drawn and james felt himself smile as he studied them all.
“The dedication was quite sweet”
James flipped back to the second page, the first was all publishing information and James ignored it and landed on the small cursive letters on the next page.
“Roses are red, violets are blue, if you run to me, i shall run to you, forever till the sun you hold bleeds right through”
James felt the room grow quiet. The light that filled the room felt cold and distant. The gnawing empty feeling that followed him spread into his bones again.
The book fell out of his hands and he felt the first tear fall before he let out the breath that was stifling his lungs.
It was clear then, who had written the book, he could only imagine him, sitting at his creaky desk, scribbling till ink was covering his hands and he needed James to hold them till they stopped aching and he could write again. The notes he would find hidden in all his jeans and jackets, sometimes it would just be little hearts with his name inside them, other times, when regulus was doing better than other days he would find haikus and back to front lines about anything and everything.
The world of words that regulus created, was one that was no longer in reach, but looking back at the book sitting in his trembling hands, suddenly it was very very close.