The Closest Star

Regulus always knew the end, he knew the world around him had bars and the itchiness of his wrist would never subside from the cuffs placed on him the second he was born. His mothers hands curled around his thin shoulders guiding him through life as if it were her own. Even as he ran for years he never felt the coldness leave. Even when he was clouded by the infatuation of a life that felt so real he could almost reach out and touch it, even then, Regulus knew the end.

His mother had welcomed him back with open arms, he suspected she would do as much, act as if he hadn't been gone for years, as if the life he created beyond the garden walls was just a creation of his mind, pages in a book he forgot to finish. It filled him with dread that he almost wished he hadn't left in the first place.

A week after he slept in his childhood bedroom again, he awoke to a wedding invitation, his name printed in cursive at the top, he vomited into the toilet, washed his hair and went down to the breakfast table to help his mother pick flower arrangements. It was an odd feeling for him, the way he could switch into automatic, he watched his hands move through pages of magazines and he felt distant when he chose to speak, his voice smooth and constant. His body folded back into the mold that it was to own the name black.

When he walked into the wedding dinner that night, he beelined for his seat, the roses lining the walls nauseated him, such an ugly choice, his mothers of course. Gold and silver lined the tables and chairs, a marble floor that let heels click as women floated from each table grabbing a flute of wine and drank it in one long sip.

Ignoring the faces he passed lit by the soft yellow hue of candlelight, regulus found his way to the center table where he would be waiting to meet his fiance for the first time, he knew of her but nothing that sparked any interest.it was purely a financial ploy created by the family friends and regulus couldn't help but laugh at the devastation of it all. He was a bargaining chip.

His fiance , Vivienne Price, sat down in front of him after what felt like hours sat alone. She smiled politely and let her gaze float down to the empty plate in front of her not bothering to say anything to him as minutes ticked by. He grew twitchy.

“Are you wanting to have children?” the words tumbled uneasy from his mouth , she squirmed in the seat, Regulus suddenly felt like stone, his mothers eyes in the distance carving away at him, always watching, he made sure he kept his gaze away from her.

Head dipping down he rolled his eyes “i asked a question”

“It's not really my choice is it” she bit

“One rarely gets to make choices in a position such as ours”

Frowning, she placed her hands on the cloth of the table, tracing the embroidery. She was pretty, her hair falling past her shoulders in a way that he could tell she spent time working on, her cheeks a light pink, her eyes bold and daring, it was the only feature of hers he truly liked.

“Im sorry” he offered “for being brash”

She looked up finally, here eyes were a soft brown “i don't want to marry you”
Regulus found himself letting out a laugh and quickly stifled it

“Glad we can agree on something then”

She looked over his shoulder and then back down at her hands, then without warning she stood up and offered him a hand, he hesitated, not daring to look back at his mother who was surely watching as he took the hand in front of him and let it guid him out the doors to the hall and down the stairs and out into the night, he didn't dare let his gaze move from the back of her hair, curls flowing into the open air.

When she stopped they were halfway down the street

“Sorry i couldn't stand to be in there, the roses were dreadful”

Regulus felt himself laugh again and let out the breath he was holding.

“I always find it easier to talk outside” she smiled at him then, her eyes drifting over the landscape around them, the street lamps lighting up the street, the ground still damp from the rain that had come in full force that morning.

Regulus kicked the ground letting the ends of his shoes scuff slightly, he did feel a little better now, the cool air brushing his cheeks, the heat that had curled around his neck from the anxiety bubbling in his stomach had subsided. He wondered then how they would end up after the wedding. Would they survive the white roses and blood stained carpet leading them down the aisle ?

When he was younger, Regulus dreamed of a wedding in the church down the street from his grandfather's estate. It was small and barely held more than fifty people, but it brought him warmth and a strange feeling of safety, though he was far from attending any sort of religious gathering, he enjoyed the beauty of the stained glass and paintings that cluttered the walls.

He wondered who he might be now if he was the type of person he observed in the church, if he sat down in the confessionals and spilled his guts instead of stuffing his head into a toilet.

“Do you want this” it didn't feel like a question when it left his lips

She took in a small breath and regarded him for a second, her lip slipping between her teeth. Regulus wondered if the action would draw blood, after what felt like a prolonged lapse of silence, she shook her head.

Regulus looked up to the sky, the clouds blocked the stars and he suddenly felt trapped again, like his mother had commanded the stars to hide.

“I want to be free of this all”

Regulus scoffed and kicked his shoe again

“Not a luxury i've dared to entertain”

It was her turn to scoff at that, she stepped towards him, picking up her long dress that hugged her chest, the pale pink made her look young, he wondered if they shared a similar childhood, maybe she too wished for a different life as much as he did.

“Where were you all those years then? Whilst I was in that god awful house? Waiting on you to come back to take my bloody hand in marriage ? i was kept in that house, they thought i was going to run like you did” she took another breath “do you think i want this ? this life ? this is no life”

Regulus felt himself shrinking, he wanted to slap the look off her face. He hated the violence that lived inside himself .

“I was foolish” he met her stare, his voice breaking, he hated himself “i didn't know that my actions caused you this much harm, i apologize for that”

“Would you do it again?”

“Run?”

She nodded, her voice seemed gravely and Regulus didn't dare look her way again. He hated when people cried around him. Hated being the cause of the rolling hot tears even more. Gave him a look, emotions that he couldn't place reflected and he looked away as he heard her footsteps descend”

“No” he said to himself, the sky swallowing him “i don't think i would”

—

“Regulus you are such a brat”

Regulus sat atop his friend's kitchen counter, his slacks and button up discarded on the floor below him, a bottle of wine settled between his hands. He raised the boittle in solute to Barty, who sat on the chair in front of him in the small kitchen.

Regulus often found himself settled in this spot, the moon peeking through the open window, a cool breeze trailing behind it and the fridge light making bartys face visible. His eyelids felt heavy and his head lolled back every now and then. Barty always let him in, no matter the time, he always seemed to be awake, sober or not.

“Why are you here? I thought you had your little wedding party tonight”

Regulus let out a sharp laugh and took a swig in response. Fuck the wedding and fuck everything else.

“Mate you can't get married”

Regulus wanted to smack the words out of his friend, retract every memory Barty had of himself and let him go, let the burden of his unrelenting life be his and only his. Too often did Barty pry open his wounds and let them bleed on the floor, only to wipe it all up again and stuff it back inside. He was his best friend, his only friend and he hated him.

Hopping off the counter in a swift motion he watched his friends eyes widen and let his face inch closer until their noses just barely touched, he wondered if he should kiss him.

“Tell me barty” he shoved the bottle into his friends chest “what else im supposed to fucking do”

“I love you regulus but”

“But” regulus shoved barty again “i love you regulus but, but i cannot stand you, i love you regulus, but your insufferable, i love you regulus, but i actually don't love you, not even a little”

Barty sighed and his eyes went to the floor, he knew he meant well, he knew Barty wanted to help, like he always tried to do, but there was nothing left to try.

So he stood up and set the wine down next to his feet and shrugged on the jacket that made his arms itchy, the alcohol helped tone it down. The door was four steps away and he was only three steps in when Barty spoke once more.

“You shouldn't have come back”

Regulus wanted to die. Without another word he took the last steps.

The night air brought him no resistance as he swept his limbs into the street. He could run away again, he thought, maybe become a monk, shave his head and take a vow of silence, devote his life to a higher power other than his mother, but he loved his hair and he was pretty sure monks couldn't shag.

“Fucks sake”

Maybe he could just divorce when his mother died, hopefully the wicked woman would die swiftly and softly and he could take her money, shove it at Vivienne and leave. He could say no and just shed the name, but what would that leave him, he was alone for so long before James and he hated it.

James.

He wondered what he was doing now, he would probably laugh at regulus, drunk swaying through the street. They loved night walks, when the summer air kissed the grass again and they could lay for hours, counting stars and swapping spit.

He let his feet guide him through the night until he was too tired to stand and he let himself fall into the sidewalk, he had no idea where he was, how far home was. He stretched his limbs out and grabbed at the cement a trick that James taught him when he felt overwhelmed.

“What the hell are you playing at”

James sat in front of him now, his hair falling just past his ears, Regulus thought he looked godly, a soft blush dusting his cheeks, he looked like summer. His stomach tied together and he wished he could catch the butterflies inside him and give them to james.

“Im grounding myself”

“We are sitting on the ground right now, how can you get more grounded”

“Shh, i'm trying to concentrate”

“James rea-

Before he could finish james had clamped a hand over his mouth, eyes still closed

“Just do it with me and shut u-” james yelped “did you just fucking bite me”

Regulus flashed his now free teeth and james and closed his mouth quick as james leaned in and kissed the smirk off his face

“Please”

When Regulus closed his eyes with James, he knew when to obey and with James he did it so well. peeking once to make sure James was still next to him when the silence settled around them he let his hands fall to the dirt.

“When i get nervous or overwhelmed, i like to grab the earth to remind myself im still here and that i am in control?” he let out a huff “i don't know, it helps though”

Blindly Regulus searched for his hands and when he felt his fingers he clasped his own around them, giving a small squeeze.

“It's just us”

James smiled a bit, eyes still closed, then he was inches away from Regulus, his breath smelled of mint and cake from their lunch. Regulus thought his heart might run right out of him. Even after all this time being so close to James filled him with a high that nothing could ever beat.

“will you be my boyfriend”

Regulus felt the rain start again and he couldn't tell if he was crying or not.