The Closest Star

The bus felt bigger now, the people farther and cold, Regulus always knew how to fill his world. Sometimes James thought it was bad how small he felt around the boy, how his movements seemed slower and his voice softer, but he would choose that over feeling this large hollowness.

He watched the familiar buildings pass as he rode, he hadn't been back to the city since they split and that had been almost three years ago now. He couldn't bring himself to face the changes. James wasn't one to like change.

But here he was, sat with his headphones on with a journal in his hand and his heart on the floor. He kicked his knees up and let his back sink down the seat, if he closed his eyes he could force the warmth at his side and pretend all the way to the city station.

“Last stop”

James let his head lull to the side and waited till he felt the bus come to a complete stop and only then did he let the world melt back into reality and he opened his eyes, slowly, unwillingly.

Making his way off he dropped change into the tip bucket the driver had and forced his feet down the steps.

“I haven't seen you in a while, where is the other lad?”

James let his foot hang on the last step and turned his head back to the man. He had in fact recognized him, they had taken this bus everyday for months, always making small talk with him. He was old and his eyes wrinkled when he smiled in a way that invited you into his conversations without words.

“Not here anymore i'm afraid”

The mans face fell and james pushed onward

“When two people look at each other the way you boys did, i'm afraid they never really leave”

“Is that a good thing though ?”

The man's face warmed a little and he closed the doors as James took the last step off. He stood in place and the bus faded in the distance.
Now James had a reason for coming into the city tonight, not just to avoid his friends at home, even though they had called and texted, he was missing his own after party after all, but he wasn't in the mood to be around the loud conversations.

He had a friend in the city and texted her as soon as he got on the bus an hour before. Lilly had worked with his publishing team and they had quickly built a casual friendship, she was easy and pretty and everything regulus wasn't. He felt it was easier to be around her, simply because she reminded him of nothing he had lost.

His phone vibrating in his pocket brought him out of his head and he felt relief seeing her name light up the screen. He brought it up to his ear just in time to hear her screams start on the other end.

“Where the hell are you, it's dark and looks like the rain will start any minute”

He smiled and started his walk to her flat, which frankly wasn't far at all so he took his time

“I'm about five seconds away lily please give me some credit when am i ever late to anything”

“How many meetings did you walk into late you bloody idiot, your anything but punctual”

James listened to her list off a multitude of other reasons he was an ass while he turned the last corner coming up to her front door. The rain had started falling and he tugged his jacket on tighter. Her building was large and old, the aged brick and large windows made James think of home and it brought him comfort in ways very little could now.

He found that since he first came here, he felt the tug to come back, he didn't want to think about how seeing lily wasn't such a bad side effect of the scenery either.

He knocked once, twice

Amd there she was opening the door, her hair tucked into a bun, small pieces falling in front of her eyes, she was pretty in her knit sweater, the sleeves pulled over her hands, she smiled warmly and latched herself onto him, hugging tightly, he felt her breath on his neck.

“You sad little twat”

James laughed and pushed them both through the doorway, stumbling on the welcome mat, he had bought that for her after his first visit, he had trailed mud all through the living room and shed told him off for it, the next time he came he placed it on the ground before he came in. he made a show of stomping and scuffing his feet, shed smiled at him oddly that day and he ignored the heat in his cheeks.

When she finally let him go after, what felt like forever, she pushed him on the sofa, gliding back into the kitchen ,her socks slipping on the wood floor, he liked the way she moved, intentionally, he hoped people thought these things about him.

She stated that she was going to get him properly drunk and make him talk, which he reluctantly nodded his head to and as soon as she moved out of sight , he dove nose first onto the many pillows she had stacked and let out a groan.

“Oh come on” she shouted “i haven't even forced you to talk yet”

He let out another muffled groan

“Here”

He felt the sofa dip next to him and a small tap on his shoulder, slowly he let his head come out of the soft fabric and gave her a wry look. He could tell his hair had become a mess and her hands fixing it only confirmed.

When she had patted the last piece into place he caught her eye and a heat rose to her cheeks, and he swatted her away and reached for the bottle in her other hand. Taking a swig he tucked his feet under him and faced her, mimicking her position, they were close now, closer than they had been before.

She looked at him for a beat, meeting his eyes

“What's wrong?”

when he rolled his eyes she gave him a look “i know your book was released today, that was a big accomplishment for you, you were so excited, so why don't you seem to be so down?”

He lifted the drink to his lips again and let the warm substance burn his throat, he tilted his head back staring at the ceiling

“The book was never mine, not really” he sucked in a breath “its more of a letter, for someone else, every fucking word was meant for someone else, its thiers and they wont even” he took another swig “they wont ever know”

“Well we can send them a copy its not-”

“they took off out of nowhere so that is not exactly something we can do” he cut her off, he turned to her then, it felt good to tell someone.

“I can see the veins popping out of your neck, have you ever talked about your feelings like ever potter?”

“Your blunt”

She shrugged, but she was right

“I guess I never wanted to, I was so wrapped up in it all, it consumed everything, I wanted it to be ours, I didn't want to share, you know ? i felt like i was dreaming, he was something else entirely, god lily he was like, i don't know, he was ethereal” his throat stung, but he hasn't taken a sip for a while “and then it was just that, a dream, it was gone, like i had woken up and now” he goes quiet “well it feels more and more like a nightmare”

He brings his knees up and lets his forehead settle between them, suddenly feeling very naked in his words. He wasn't used to talking about regulus to anyone. He never told sirius because he was always so wrapped up in remus and he had shared everything with him since he was eleven, it felt nice to keep something for himself, never out of shame or worry that sirius wouldn't accept him, it would be bloody hypocritical if he didnt, but still, it was change.

So for almost a year and a half he would live his two lives, the one at home and the one with sirius.

And it was good, till it wasn't.

Sirius never asked what was going on with James when it ended, no matter how much he cried into his shoulder and his cereal and his mashed potatoes . No matter how many times he left to visit his parents alone, telling him he needed a change of scenery. He knew Sirius would just have remus over and forget about him, that was okay, it brought him some peace in his actions, but the small parts of him, the worst parts, knew he was just making excuses for his shitty actions towards his best mate.

Lilly watch him hide, she felt her heart tug in her chest as she lightly reached out to rub his back softly in circles

“You never know, you can never be sure of anything, he might read it”

James shrugged

“Maybe” he felt his breath hitch and that's when he let himself cry and cry and cry

Regulus. Regulus. Regulus

That's all he remembers going through his head until he felt himself fall back into the pillows and drift, the faint feeling of a blanket being draped over his arms was the last thing he felt before sleep took over and regulus was with him again.

—

The morning air felt good in his lungs, his shoes made a satisfying sound on the pavement and he took himself to the office. He'd put on his best suit for the occasion and felt the best he had in months. His hair was freshly cut, his curls smaller and falling right above his lash line, he liked that his mother let him keep it just a bit longer now, he also despised the fact that he had to beg her to let him keep it this way.

The office wasn't a far walk from the bus station. He'd taken the first bus that morning, grabbing a coffee as soon as he could. It wasn't good and he had to ignore the taste every time he took a sip, but it did its job. He hasn't slept all night, he'd spent it perfecting the last details of his collection.

He decided a month ago that if he was to give himself away to a life unwanted, that he'd give at least one piece of himself away willingly.

So here he was with all his favorite pieces he's ever written and he was about to give them all away.

“Mate would you slow the fuck down”

Oh and did he mention barty was there too ?

“Oh im so sorry let me slow down love”

Regulus doubled his pace and cast a grin back at his friend. Barty flipped him off.

Barty had come into his life when he showed up on his parents doorstep the day he came back home.. He'd been the one to open the door, being met with his chiseled face wasn't such a bad welcome back gift.

At first barty told him to fuck off or the cops would come and throw him in cuffs. Regulus had been in such a horrible and deafening mood that he punched him square in the nose and stepped over him, spitting next to his bloodied face.

“I love handcuffs”

Since then they had been best mates. He didn't like the way Barty had inched into his life, but he hasn't ever made a true effort to stop it.

“Really mate come on” barty panted, when regulus finally stopped, fully turning around now, he was met with a very red faced barty, his hands on his knees bent over taking deep breaths. Regulus admired the way his muscles flexed and then grimaced as he caught himself doing it.

Absolutely not

“Come on we have a deadline, if i knew you'd be this slow i would have lost you in the crowd minutes ago”

“God your an ass”

“Who said i wasn't”

Barty rolled his eyes and stood up straight again, muttering as he glanced up at the sky giving his lungs one last full breath and then he took off, grabbing regulus’ arm and tugging him along.

And Regulus let him, because he didn't mind the way girls seemed to stare at barty and then at himself because he was the one getting his attention. He smirked as he trudged along.

“So whats in this stupud book anyways” barty strained

“Poetry” he barked back “poetry is what's in this stupid book”

“Oh and you're just going to walk in and tell them to publish it are you?”

What Regulus had failed to mention is that he'd shagged the man who owned the company after meeting him at one of his mothers garden parties. When he had one too many drinks and woke up the next morning with his nose deep in his journal, regulus promptly took the closest pillow next to him and flung it hard at his head.

“Oi whats that for”

“Those are personal” regulus scolded as he reached over and plucked the weathered thing from his hands and stuffed it back under his pillow, shoving himself out of the bed and kicking the man as he still sat on the floor.

“Well they're brilliant so sorry if i got a little carried away, i woke up with the leather sticking to my face”

Regulus huffed and kicked the man again “Out”

“Have you ever published anything?”

Regulus went to kick him again because how could he be so dense as to not take this sign to get the fuck out, but he cought his ankle and regulus would be lying if he didnt find the action a huge turn on

“Do you know anything about me?”

Regulus gave him a bored look “no sorry should i have asked your favorite color when your dick was in my mouth before or after ?”

The man smirked and let go of his leg, standing up and regulus tried not to watch his abs flex as he stretched his arm out

“Hi, my names thomas and i own the most successful publishing company in britain”

Regulus was sure his eyes had doubled in size and he tried his best to keep his composure as he took thomas’ hand in his own.

So when Barty thought that he was going in blind all he could do was send a smirk in his direction and keep moving.

“Oh god you didn't” barty gasped, stopping mid step “you shagged someone didn't you”

Regulus raised his eyebrows at barty and he took his turn dragging him up the path

“You cant just use sex to get eveything, regulus really”

“Try saying that when your holding my published book in your hands bitch” Regulus waved his transcripts in his hand and turned the corner.

The day was warmer and he felt good, better than he had in months and significantly more sober. Once he had the goal of finishing his collection he decided to clean up his act.

He missed feeling sharp, missed being the smartest man in every room, so he threw out his bottles and flushed his medicines and called it a day. He spent most of his time at his desk when he wasn't at wedding rehearsals or dinners, the dreaded walk into his parents house was always a small snap back to reality. When he was sitting in his small room, littered with books from just about every time period, he could pretend he was elsewhere, maybe america, no actually maybe not america, but anywhere bloody else.

He liked being alone, the quiet was nice, things often felt too loud and brash. If he had it his way he would die alone in this room he thinks, but when he starts writing again about the annoying james fucking potter,and the freedoms he once had, he sinks back into his desperation.

You see it was easy to pretend that James Potter was just a problem he couldn't solve, like an itch that won't go away, to simplify him is all that could get Regulus through the day. So that when he wrote about him it felt like ink on paper, not a knife digging in his chest, swiping away till he was pieces at his feet.

He would always be at the mercy of james fucking potter.

Regulus felt relief as he looked up at the massive building, it was dark and gloomy compared to the weather outside, he bloody loved it. He looked back to Barty once more and then sprinted up the steps, skipping two at a time.

God he hadn't felt this good in a while.

As his foot hit the last step, Regulus recognized the curly headed man standing at the door, he blushed, Thomas looked damn good in a suit, any person would admit that. Usually he preferred not to meet up with the people he shagged, but he would certainly be making an exception for this man.

The building was much brighter inside, men and women running around in pencil skirts and blue suits, the walls a nice soft white color and there was about every type of plant you could think of potted around the floors and walls, bookcases lining the hallways.

“Have you published all of these” he inquired, his hands softly trailing the spines as they walked

“No just decoration” thomas deadpanned, but then a smile broke his features “yeah, these are all just the titles we published this year”

Thomas stopped and motioned to the endcase, there was just one book sitting on the shelf.
Regulus admired the cover, it was a simple soft black with the words “the closest star” printed on the front in gold, He picked it up and searched for the author's name.

“He didn't want his name on the book, we published it just yesterday, its doing quite well”

He flipped through the pages and saw it was another collection like his, before he could read any Thomas motioned for him to follow, when he turned his back, regulus stuffed the copy into his inner jacket pocket.

They could always print another right ?

Before he stepped into the meeting, Regulus went to turn to barty to comment on how he would have thought the place to be fancier, he should donate some money to do the place up.

“Oh god wait a minute” regulus stopped and waved his hands at his side waiting for his friend to appear, with his eyebrows knitted and his lip a bit, he sprinted out the hallway and down to the front doors. Of course the lazy git, sitting on the steps smoking a cig was barty, regulus kicked his back lightly as he came behind him.

“Forget something?” barty inquired raising his eyebrows

“Come on mate, we've got a book to publish”