The Closest Star

James never really wanted to become a poet, never really saw himself feeling good enough for anything of the sorts, the arts were sirius’ thing. Gallery shows and posh dinner parties, but here he was at his first book release and it was going amazing.

The pride James felt bubbling in his stomach as he watched people read his collection, the collection he had spent months agonizing over, feeling exposed and wrecked as he sent the final drafts to the publishers.

But the joy he felt when he cracked the spine of the first copy, the smell of its pages and the soft cover, it was the happiest James had been in years.

James holds his breath now, standing in a suit that sirius had dug out of their shared closet, he felt good. The sleeves itched when he moved, shaking hands trying his best to remember names.

James and Sirius had moved to the small town as soon as they left school, they both needed an escape, both for their own reasons.

Though james and sirius normal todl eachother everything, james found that some things he couldn't get past his own lips, some things that he bit down so hard on it hurt to spit out again, he found sirius did the same thing, when he would slip up on a lie or come back late with a bad excuse, james found comfort in this instead of hurt.

But soon it wasn't just looking tired and being quiet, James had watched Sirius grow cold at school, watched his frame grow smaller, his wrist become thinner and his hair an unruly mess that not even he could comb through anymore.

So they ran.

James recalled the final straw, the push to go

sirius’ little brother had gone missing

james had never met his brother, much less heard more than two words spoken about him in the past 11 years they had known each other

“He's gone”

James could see the sag in his shoulders and the purple under his eyes, Sirius had never been one to not keep up appearances, a gift he had begrudgingly carried from his parents, always ready at a moment's notice, but this was not him at all. James had rushed to his best friends side and they sat like that for hours, like they had become one being, no long separated by blood or names, they were simplified to just

Them.

So when tears had dried and they came up for air, Sirius had looked at James then, his face holding an emotion he couldn't quite place, he looked so young all of a sudden that James wondered if maybe they were eleven again.

“Will you go with me?”

“Go where”

The curve of his mouth upturned “anywhere”

James gripped his best friend tighter, his brother, his soulmate, his everything

“Tomorrow”

And just like that they were gone, like smoke in the wind, like magic, the two boys grabbed their favorite shoes, cash they had saved since they knew how to count and disappeared.

When they finally decided they couldn't live off of gas station snacks their entire lives, James decided that the next town they came across would be home.

“we shall take over, claim it as ours and become its kings!” sirius had exclaimed

And that's what they did, they got the coziest flat they could find, when james had asked him what kind of place they should get he had simply answered “anywhere with a bloody roof and a window to have smoke after a shag”

And so they did just that, James had the attic and Sirius had the smaller room facing the back garden, said he preferred to be closer to the earth and farther from the stars and James had ignored him because he was too busy staring up at the skylight. It was more of a hole in the roof and a badly installed glass panel, but it was home and it was his.

Now three year later they truly had become the kings of the town, standing in the bookshop they had started working at those years ago alone now felt oddly suffocating, filled with people they had met along the way.

James looked at his best friend now, waving a tattered copy of his book around and felt content, like maybe he was a king.

“I read them all first before you lot, you think this is good, the first drafts were even bloody better!”

He's showing the book to anyone who will give him the time of day, he dressed up, much to his dismay and James found himself smiling as Sirius itched at the collar of his shirt without thinking.

Remus stood far but never out of reach, like an invisible string was tied from his hand to Sirius’. He had a fond smile that held something much softer than James’ smiles towards Sirius ever did.
Sirius had met Remus on the second day of work, he owned the bookshop they had applied to and they had been attached at the hip ever since.

He watched as Remus pushed through the crowd giving out small apologies until he reached his, well worse half, they shared a small embrace and Remus slowly guided them both to a table in the back of the store to get ready for the reading.

The reading

You see this is the part that James was dreading, letting people read your work is one thing, but turning around and reading it to them is another entirely.

He had never shared his poetry, not even to his friends before he finished the book in its entirety, this book was him, he had put all of himself into it, every wretched battered part of his being was cemented in those pages and on top of that, which one was he supposed to choose to read ? Did he want to make them all cry? Laugh ? Fall in love like he had ? feel foolish and unwanted ?

James had been losing sleep over it for nights until Sirius, god bless him, came about and ruined the first copy he ever made.

“Now which ones are about me then ? I reckon a good lot of them are about my hair or maybe my dashing smile” sirius made a good effort to smile at him then, teeth glowing in the soft light of the fire in front of them, he turned the book over in his hands, cradling it on his knees, his nose scrunched up as he flicked through the pages

“Maybe one or two about your eyes”

“Oh please don’t encourage him prongs your really are just as bad” remus huffed, digging his hand further into the marshmallow bag giving James a pointed look, but it melted as sirius piped up

“No I suppose you should leave that to moons, his eyes are much more magical than mine”

And James thought that maybe it's the way that sirius never even looked up from the book, and the flat sound of his voice as if this was fact and it bored him, but the envy he always had for the undoubted and unwavering love sirius and remus felt for each other was sometimes suffocating to be around.

“Well just give me the book, yeah? And i'll point em out to you pads”

“No i'm not done reading yet”

“Well give it here, I don’t care”

“Its my bloody book you gave it to me”

“Its my bloody book, I wrote it”

“Yes for me”

James reached over and grabbed the book from sirius’ hands, sending him flying towards the fire and without a second thought James threw the book down and yanked Sirius back as fast as he could.

“My hair!”

Sirius and James landed with a thud into the mud below them and wrestled for the book a little more before they wore themselves out.

“What about this one it's literally titled “the closest star” that's got to be about me James”

James felt his body stop for a second, his limbs going stiff as they were still tangled with Sirius’. He swallowed hard and picked himself off the ground.

“No that one's just about astronomy and such, wrote it for fun”

“You wrote a poem… about astronomy.. and published it” remus said slowly, looking up from his stick still catering his marshmallow that James could tell would catch fire any second
“I would’ve let that one in the bloody drafts mate”

“Oh go fuck yourself”

“Oi that's my job”

Sirius threw the book back in his lap and he took a seat next to his boyfriend and let his head rest on his shoulder.

“Read it to us James”

And so James did, and he knew in that moment, that it would never get easier.

“Today I will be reading the first poem I ever officially wrote, it seemed only suiting that I make it the first poem of my book and the first I read to you all here today, before I read it i'd like to thank my best mates for helping me and inspiring me every day since I met them”

James gives a weak smile to his friends sitting in the back row, Remus and Sirius give him a thumbs up, James feels his face heat up and looks back down at his notes taking small breaths

“I just wants you all to know that I never thought of myself as a poet and ive ever known of one other poet in my life and he” James felt his throat close up, but pushed himself to go on “and he is the reason this book truly exist, this poem is titled the closest star”

James looks into the crowd, just to make sure he’s not here, or maybe he’s wishing he was, maybe he did wish every night before he slept and every morning he woke that he would return, that his breathing would stay calm when he saw a head of dark curls sitting ahead of him one the he bus,
Maybe he wished that the heart he once had would let itself heal and finally close up, he sometimes felt that if he paid enough attention he could hear it wearing down. his heart. sometimes he wouldn’t take his headphones off his head all day just to drown it all out.

A breath in

A breath out

“The cruelty of knowing you
Was much worse if not more harmful than the cruelty of losing you
Because to have you is to know that I may lose you
But to lose you is to understand what it is like to have to live without you
To understand the I had you and could not keep you
You are the closest star to me and I burn, like no other at your touch
i am still frayed and scorched at the ends even as you die in front of me
Even as the days grow cold and desolate, like you were never here
And only the ash at my feet from where we used to come together is what's left
When will you come back to me my cruel lover
When will you burn again
And be the closest star”

As James finished he could feel the hot stream of tears falling down his cheeks and a heat rose on his neck. He wished in that moment that the earth would swallow him whole, that he could disappear. But instead his feet cemented to the ground he faced the crown and waited.

Remus was the first to clap, Sirius jumping to his feet, a smile etched on his face so big James wondered if he'd ever seen it before.

He bowed his head once and then forced his feet to take him to the door,casting a glance back to Sirius whose smile had fallen and a look of confusion had taken over, Remus placed a hand on his shoulder when he went to follow, good on remus James thought.

His feet carried him down the street and he just kept moving and moving. He hadn't thought about him in so long, usually kletting his mind stay out of the places he occupied, but since it was his day, since this was all his doing, James let himself enter the space that he would always live in.

“Your a poet”

“I am not”

“Roses are red violets are blue,” James read allowed from the old wrapper he snagged from regulus’ bag “I may be the stars but I am nothing on you, the suns met his match, in the flash of your teeth, if you only knew, id let you ruin me” James gave out a bark and doubled over “Oh regulus this is marvelous”

Regulus huffed and crossed his arms pouting, the sun had given his pale arms a light golden touch and James made sure to keep their weekly dates outside as much as he could just to see him soak up the sun.

“James if you would stop making a mockery of me, id very much like that” regulus quipped “your the poet here, I just like to rhyme…sometimes”

James and Regulus gave each other a knowing look and then both doubled over, clutching their stomachs till the dull ache left and they could breathe again.

James whipped his eyes and looked at Regulus, it was like the world had gone dark and the stars had come out early, James could never get enough of him. James didn’t have very many lovers in his life, he felt as though maybe it just wasn’t something for him, he was an observer since he was young, plotting and waiting. But regulus, well regulus was the first thing James had ever touched, loved, smelt, kissed, tasted, regulus was everything. James had met Regulus in his creative writing classes he took in the town over, but they had never met before that and James felt that was a damn shame because he wasted so much of his life waiting for him.

Knowing he was only a step away for so long sometimes filled James with so much hatred for the world that he had to stomp all the way to regulus’ arms and stay there till his lungs let his heart mend and regulus would hold him tight as if it was the last time he’d ever get to.

the bubble they lived in, the world they created without the harsh realities they would have to face, it was always second away from popping

Everyone knew it wouldn’t last,

I guess everyone but them.

———

“Regulus darling, what are you wearing ?”

Regulus was standing in front of his mirror, his suit was wrinkled and his tie was cut in half, his nails caked with dirt and the bags under his eyes a deeper shade of blue then they were the day before.

“This was the suit I was to be married in” regulus answers

His voice felt rough and cold, separated from his body, he much preferred ink and paper to communicate, but his mother was not someone who would tolerate the silence.

“Take it off now, its disgraceful, I raised you to be a man and you are behaving as a child”

Regulus gives a small nod letting out a string of apologies, she clicked her tongue and told him that she would be expecting him to come home as soon as the summer was over

“The wedding will be wonderful, the warm august breeze and sun, it will be talked about for ages”

“Yes mother”

“Please make sure you bring the suit I bought you, and clean this room its a mess I raised you better”

“Yes mother”

“I unenrolled you”

At this regulus turns from the mirror slowly, his stomach sinking into the floor, right where his heart is

“Mother I still have a year left of my schooling”

“Well when your married, you will take over the family business, your father and I were just letting you have some fun”

Regulus felt his face heat, fire eroding his body, yet inside he still felt cold, chilled, like ice had filled his bones.

“Yes” he gritted out “of course mother”

At that his mother left without a word and regulus fell to the floor, his limbs like clay and they stuck him to the wood floor and he watched himself disappear.

But maybe he already had

Maybe he was already a ghost and this was just all in his head

But of course he would surely have let himself keep James if this was just in his head

Surely he wasn’t that cruel to himself.

In one week Regulus was to get married, he was to put on his bravest face and best suit and walk down an empty aisle, in an empty church to live a new empty life. Crawling on his knees he pushed his limbs onto his desk chair and threw himself into it.

Positioned perfectly so that as soon as the sun would set, an orange light would leak though the shades, it reminded him of James, the natural warmth he felt with no doubt.

he would sit there alone and let himself think of James until the sun was gone

James James James

James

James

Regulus let the five letters run though his head until they meant nothing, till it was sour on his tongue and he had to spit it out.

Regulus knew this day was coming, knew that this was his fate and that fighting it or even running away again would be useless, he chose this life.

When Regulus left, he was swift and cruel, he looked at James and told him it was over the love he felt had left him, that maybe it was never there. Regulus wanted to cut him so deep hed die in front of him.

Regulus knew all along that he wouldn't be able to stay. That forever was never theirs to keep. He was always counting down the days, closer and closer to his twentieth birthday. That once the clock struck twelve, he would be ruined.

And he was

regulus was absolutely ruined

But it was deeper than that, he was undone.

When James looked at regulus that night, he kept his stare.

“You don't mean it” James was smiling. regulus was stone. He was painted in james’ light still and he wanted to feel dusk once again, he wanted to sink into shadows to the spaces he was safe.

“I do, i'm sorry if i led you to think this was anything but something to entertain the hours i am away from home”

“So your going home”

“Why wouldn't I ?”

James grimaced

“ i was never going to be able to run forever, i have nowhere else to run”

“run to me”

Regulus took a step back

“You will have to understand”

“I'll do whatever i bloody like regulus”

“James”

“This is what you want?”

James looked at him softly, regulus wanted to turn to dust and settle on the floor, let james kick his remains into the wind.

“The first time” james choked a little on his words “the first time i kissed you, i told you, you would never be alone, that stands true regulus”

“James please”

“You will always have me and you will never, you will never be alone”

With that regulus gave him one last look, he drank him in and then like the sun rises he watched it fall, till all he could see was the dark street leading him far away from his home.

Sitting at his desk now, Regulus feels the same deep ache that always comes at times like this. He wanted James to be as cruel as him, to hate him and curse his name,

He wanted James to punch him and bruise him. He wanted James to give him something physical that he could watch heal to know that at least some of it could.

But Regulus still felt like an open wound with a knife that continued to dig.

and dig and dig and dig.

Scanning his desk, Regulus let his pen click in his hand till he found his journal, the same one James got him on their second date. He slowly opened the book, careful not to rip any of the pages and let his fingers stop at a blank one. Breathing softly in the last seconds of sun, Regulus waited for the dark to swallow him up and only then did he begin to write.